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Post by shan-ah-doo on Mar 2, 2019 19:45:09 GMT -6
shan-ah-doo agree...and the whole “trickle truth” thing is so true. I would dig before I brought up any suspicions...bank accounts, phone bill, anything. I would want to get as much info as possible without making him aware so he could delete/hide stuff. There is something going on for sure. The 50k investment thing is strange as fuck. Yes, the trickle truth!
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bobyn
Diamond
local baby-making menace
Posts: 28,395 Likes: 169,484
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Post by bobyn on Mar 2, 2019 19:54:45 GMT -6
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 2, 2019 20:00:36 GMT -6
That makes sense, shan-ah-doo, I've caught MH a few times in a lie and he just kept lying until I had factual evidence in front of his face he couldn't deny. It's a really fucked up feeling being lied to, but that person is going to do all they can in the moment to keep their life from blowing up. And as far as I was concerned we had an amazing relationship. Sex was good, we were best friends. So that’s why I say it has nothing to do with that, they’ll give themselves permission to do it even if they have to make up a reason. He hit middle age and went through a midlife crisis. Got his ego stroked by some bar fly (who is barely average looking btw) and let it happen. I’m sorry you are going though this, a friend had a similar thing happen a few years back and their marriage is even stronger now they’ve worked though things.
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 2, 2019 20:01:53 GMT -6
Has he already left for the event? He actually stayed home and fell asleep putting our kid to bed.
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Post by shan-ah-doo on Mar 2, 2019 20:09:16 GMT -6
His biggest complaint is that I’m not affectionate. It’s true. I’m not the type that’s going to come up and hug you, I’m detached, not sensitive (I’m sure some of you are very well aware of this). But guess what? You had 20 years to tell me this bothered you. While yes I do lack in these things it’s still not my fault. I’m not a mind reader.
You guys would be impressed though. Since therapy I’ve become pretty affectionate and kinda sensitive. I know it’s crazy to think how hard is it to just give someone you love a hug, but it is for me.
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bazi
Opal
Posts: 8,731 Likes: 54,666
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Post by bazi on Mar 2, 2019 20:13:42 GMT -6
shan-ah-doo hugs. OP, Im sorry you are going through this. To me, there are a lot of red flags. Honestly, I’m trying to think of an innocent explanation for the “investment” and I just can’t get there. I’m always amazed at the risks men take with their real lives, all to get attention from dumb bitches who don’t know their flaws.
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Post by shan-ah-doo on Mar 2, 2019 20:14:18 GMT -6
That’s not to say suspiciouswife that sex isn’t important and something I strongly urge you guys to work on, just that it’s no excuse to step out on your marriage. That was basically my whole point but my thoughts got away from me.
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Post by sweptaway on Mar 2, 2019 20:14:30 GMT -6
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ttcbabyj
Platinum
Long hair, don't care...
Posts: 2,408 Likes: 8,776
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Post by ttcbabyj on Mar 2, 2019 20:15:28 GMT -6
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Post by shan-ah-doo on Mar 2, 2019 20:16:05 GMT -6
I guess I don’t feel like my husband cheating on me could be my fault for not being affectionate enough. Or, like, any excuse he could give for cheating. Fuck that. Right. But they scrape the bottom of the barrel to avoid taking responsibility.
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ttcbabyj
Platinum
Long hair, don't care...
Posts: 2,408 Likes: 8,776
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Post by ttcbabyj on Mar 2, 2019 20:19:47 GMT -6
I also second or third getting as much evidence as possible. Not only will it help with the confrontation but it may help you with the next steps. A really good friend of mine is currently going through a divorce because of infidelity and she said she couldn’t have made that definitive decision with all of the information. I’m sorry you are going through this rough time.
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Post by icedcoffee on Mar 2, 2019 20:21:36 GMT -6
Has he already left for the event? He actually stayed home and fell asleep putting our kid to bed. Did he suspect you saw anything or was him staying home a coincidence? Just wondering if you decided to mention anything yet or keep digging or what
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Post by veganontuesdays on Mar 2, 2019 20:21:39 GMT -6
Right. But they scrape the bottom of the barrel to avoid taking responsibility. Like, Oh honey, here’s a hug! Therapy taught us I better show you affection so you don’t fuck some other woman. Let’s snuggle. This is making me feel some sort of way.
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klondike
Sapphire
OHIO
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Post by klondike on Mar 2, 2019 20:22:35 GMT -6
The $50k thing would really bother me. Hopefully he was just inflating his own ego by saying he can drop that kind of money. I can understand waiting to dig up more info on infidelity, but full stop on a $50k investment without my knowledge (if it's true). The fuck are you doing with our money? couldn't come out of my mouth fast enough.
I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you can get honest answers to be able to move forward. Trust your gut when it comes to the explanations you're given.
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lizblue
Sapphire
Posts: 3,564 Likes: 27,798
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Post by lizblue on Mar 2, 2019 20:24:06 GMT -6
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bazi
Opal
Posts: 8,731 Likes: 54,666
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Post by bazi on Mar 2, 2019 20:24:43 GMT -6
shan-ah-doo hugs. OP, Im sorry you are going through this. To me, there are a lot of red flags. Honestly, I’m trying to think of an innocent explanation for the “investment” and I just can’t get there. I’m always amazed at the risks men take with their real lives, all to get attention from dumb bitches who don’t know their flaws. Hold up, why is the other woman a dumb bitch? I don’t like that narrative at all. Even if she knows he’s married, she owes his wife no loyalty. Honestly I just wasn’t being careful in my word choice. I certainly don’t think she’s any more culpable than the husband.
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Post by shan-ah-doo on Mar 2, 2019 20:25:04 GMT -6
I strongly recommend the Surviving Infidelity site. It was a big eye opener for me. You might might not even realize the red flags that were already there. When I read posts there I’m like “yes, that did happen!” “How did I miss that?!”
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Post by veganontuesdays on Mar 2, 2019 20:25:37 GMT -6
Like, Oh honey, here’s a hug! Therapy taught us I better show you affection so you don’t fuck some other woman. Let’s snuggle. This feels very harsh. We’re taking about a real life person on this board going through this. Take it down a notch. A real life person who went out on a limb to share a part of herself here while also being very clear that A: it was hard to do so and B: That she's good today where things are at with her H and has chosen to work hard with him to make shit work. Like wtf
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Jesslfar
Ruby
Posts: 22,609 Likes: 75,168
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Post by Jesslfar on Mar 2, 2019 20:28:25 GMT -6
The $50k thing would really bother me. Hopefully he was just inflating his own ego by saying he can drop that kind of money. I can understand waiting to dig up more info on infidelity, but full stop on a $50k investment without my knowledge (if it's true). The fuck are you doing with our money? couldn't come out of my mouth fast enough. I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you can get honest answers to be able to move forward. Trust your gut when it comes to the explanations you're given. That's where I am with this money. The casual offering of money without discussing it with a spouse makes me wonder what is going on with the rest of the finances and if there are not other investments she doesn't know about or if he is hiding money.
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 2, 2019 20:28:57 GMT -6
So I was super stealth and got his phone out of his pocket while he was sleeping and was able to use his finger print to open the phone. He’s a heavy sleeper so it was fairly easy. Very casual conversation with the girl from earlier today, she seems to have a SO who is working but he didn’t actually message her back today. I went though most of his text messages and email and found nothing. No pics, no messages. I didn’t get a chance to go through his call history but I have the most recent phone bill. I got greedy and tried to use his print to open the location visited on his IPhone but it locked me out. I was also trying to get into his banking but I think I can make up a good reason to get him to login and for me to see his accounts since we have joint and separate accounts.
I don’t want to say for sure there is nothing going on but the conversation with the massage therapist is so weird. We obviously have issues in our marriage that the lack of sex is a symptom of. His behavior has been disappointing and I feel like he misses his old pre kids life of partying. We have been in therapy on and off and are both slightly emotionally unavailable which makes having these big serious conversations difficult. When he wants to he can be a great father and partner but he occasionally drinks or uses edibles or smokes on the weekends to the point he is sleeping all day, unable to drive and be actively engaged in family life or activities. Its a cycle of it getting bad, me calling him out, it gets better and then it’s back happening again. It’s exhausting and making me bitter to be the default parent, work a full time job while he lays around and sleeps on the few weekends I have off of work and we are supposed to be enjoying family time together.
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Post by jubilantsquirrel on Mar 2, 2019 20:29:07 GMT -6
Right. But they scrape the bottom of the barrel to avoid taking responsibility. Like, Oh honey, here’s a hug! Therapy taught us I better show you affection so you don’t fuck some other woman. Let’s snuggle. This is rude AF.
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pobre
Ruby
Posts: 22,416 Likes: 203,632
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Post by pobre on Mar 2, 2019 20:29:37 GMT -6
Right. But they scrape the bottom of the barrel to avoid taking responsibility. Like, Oh honey, here’s a hug! Therapy taught us I better show you affection so you don’t fuck some other woman. Let’s snuggle. Shut the fuck up, my god.
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Post by shan-ah-doo on Mar 2, 2019 20:29:39 GMT -6
Right. But they scrape the bottom of the barrel to avoid taking responsibility. Like, Oh honey, here’s a hug! Therapy taught us I better show you affection so you don’t fuck some other woman. Let’s snuggle. Well, it’s not quite like that. Marriage is a give and take. We all have needs and if someone I love very much needs something from me I’m going to try to do what I can. Not do he won’t cheat, but because he needs something from me. That’s kinda the way it goes if we’re going to reconcile. That doesn’t mean it was my fault.
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Post by suspiciouswife on Mar 2, 2019 20:31:50 GMT -6
He actually stayed home and fell asleep putting our kid to bed. Did he suspect you saw anything or was him staying home a coincidence? Just wondering if you decided to mention anything yet or keep digging or what I don’t think he suspects anything. His behavior didn’t change and it was a long week and he stayed up late last night. I did read messages between him and the friend he was supposed to meet up with and he was actually going to his home. This girl is a fan of the sport they were going to watch so I guess he asked her to come along since her SO was working.
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Post by bunnyfungo on Mar 2, 2019 20:33:02 GMT -6
I’m glad it doesn’t seem to be infidelity at this point (maybe?) but being out of it from alcohol/edibles is still a red flag!
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pobre
Ruby
Posts: 22,416 Likes: 203,632
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Post by pobre on Mar 2, 2019 20:34:16 GMT -6
Honestly, I apologize. I kind of flipped out and this was super shitty of me. I responded before I saw your apology. It’s a triggery subject for sure.
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brux
Diamond
Posts: 35,445 Likes: 283,468
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Post by brux on Mar 2, 2019 20:35:42 GMT -6
This was Cher’s favorite thread today. Husband is shady. Can I send you a cake, OP?
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McBenny
Unicorn
#sickomode
Posts: 52,390 Likes: 297,342
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Post by McBenny on Mar 2, 2019 20:36:59 GMT -6
Two years of no sex would tell me he's gotten sex somewhere barring a medical condition.
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Cher
Global Moderator
BMB, GD, Special Interests
Posts: 58,441 Likes: 443,386
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Post by Cher on Mar 2, 2019 20:38:24 GMT -6
OP, have you guys talked about the intimacy in your relationship at all? I’m just surprised there seems to be issues for almost 5 years and it didn’t seem to be a problem until you saw a thread about it this week.
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wasabi
Moderator
Posts: 18,920 Likes: 120,116
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Post by wasabi on Mar 2, 2019 20:40:51 GMT -6
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