Do I fire my mom or not?

[wedding]

My mom is a retired hairdresser. Since we moved here she has been cutting Cs hair. The haircuts aren't great and quite uneven. She suffers from rheumatoid arthritis so it's a combination of her hands failing and also a bit of her not doing what I ask.

She had another hand surgery last week and C was in desperate need of a cut so I took him elsewhere. He looks super cute and he loved going to the salon with the mirrors and chairs. I told my mom we went and even though she had told us it would be ok, I could tell she was hurt. She then said "don't fire me though. I love cutting his hair!" Some of this "love" is because my brothers ex wife won't let her cut their boys hair. So she feels hurt by that.

Now I feel like I'm stuck and can't go elsewhere even though it's more convenient and he looks so much better. What do I do? Or what can I do?

Here's C at the salon

[flamingo]

That is really tough, I'm sorry you're in that position. His new cut is super cute!

I'd probably just keep taking him to the salon and not say anything, and if she asks 'blame' it on convenience, how much C loved the experience, etc. (I obviously wouldn't tell her you don't think her haircuts are as good!)

Maybe she won't even ask if she sees that he shows up each month with a fresh haircut...do you think she'd just let it go? My mom probably would, but I know not everyone would.

Again, super tough, but I'm a stickler for my kids' appearance and hair, and if I felt like the salon did a better job, that's what I'd do.

[csho]

I think this really comes down to what you care about more and what kind of relationship you have with your mom.

How do you think she would handle a compromise?

I would definitely approach the situation with the benefits for your mom (less pain or stress for her, better recovery for her hand, more relaxing time with you guys). I would also thank her for all the wonderful free haircuts over the years.

Then suggest the compromise:

My compromise would be that your mom gets to be the one to take C to his salon haircuts so she can tell the stylist what to do. Encourage her to make it special.

ETA: I would introduce the topic by saying something like, "Mom I never noticed how hard it must be on you to cut C's hair until you had surgery on your hand and we had to go to the salon."

[calimocho]

If it were my mom, I'd just be honest that the last few haircuts were uneven, and C loved the salon, so from now on you want to use the salon -- but I think it's a great idea to tell her that you aren't firing her, just reorganizing her role to "official hair salon visit overseer" - it will let the haircut keep being a special thing between them.

[peachsmama]

I don't see an easy solution here.. I could not look at a bad/not great hair cut for years though. That would drive me nuts. Could you make it like it's a big special thing with you and C and he loves it so much?

[wedding]

Jun 22, 2017 18:27:24 GMT -6 flamingo said:

That is really tough, I'm sorry you're in that position. His new cut is super cute!

I'd probably just keep taking him to the salon and not say anything, and if she asks 'blame' it on convenience, how much C loved the experience, etc. (I obviously wouldn't tell her you don't think her haircuts are as good!)

Maybe she won't even ask if she sees that he shows up each month with a fresh haircut...do you think she'd just let it go? My mom probably would, but I know not everyone would.

Again, super tough, but I'm a stickler for my kids' appearance and hair, and if I felt like the salon did a better job, that's what I'd do.

Oh she will notice and she can hold a grudge for decades. I'd be on the shit list for sure.

[wedding]

Jun 22, 2017 18:28:22 GMT -6 csho said:

I think this really comes down to what you care about more and what kind of relationship you have with your mom.

How do you think she would handle a compromise?

I would definitely approach the situation with the benefits for your mom (less pain or stress for her, better recovery for her hand, more relaxing time with you guys). I would also thank her for all the wonderful free haircuts over the years.

Then suggest the compromise:

My compromise would be that your mom gets to be the one to take C to his salon haircuts so she can tell the stylist what to do. Encourage her to make it special.

ETA: I would introduce the topic by saying something like, "Mom I never noticed how hard it must be on you to cut C's hair until you had surgery on your hand and we had to go to the salon."

I've tried phrasing it like taking a load off of her but she is insistent that she is fine. I'm not sure she would bring him. That might hurt her more.

[flamingo]

Yeah I agree with you wedding, I think having her take him to another hairdresser would be worse, in terms of hurt feelings. Also, if your mom doesn't always follow your directions, as you said in the OP, I might be afraid of what he'd come home with if she's 'supervising' (plus that might be super annoying for the stylist).

I would just keep repeating, gently and kindly but firmly, 'we're going to use the salon for awhile. C loved it, he wanted to go where his friends go, and it's convenient.' Make sure C still gets to spend plenty of time with your mom. That's really the best you can do, unless you either tell her her haircuts suck (which isn't a great option) or are ok with her cutting his hair and having it look less than ideal. I know it's easy for me to say this bc it's not my family, but if she holds a grudge and misses out on time with her grandson as a result, that's on her. Hopefully it won't come to that, though, and she will give in gracefully.

[csho]

Jun 22, 2017 18:45:47 GMT -6 wedding said:

Jun 22, 2017 18:28:22 GMT -6 csho said:

I think this really comes down to what you care about more and what kind of relationship you have with your mom.

How do you think she would handle a compromise?

I would definitely approach the situation with the benefits for your mom (less pain or stress for her, better recovery for her hand, more relaxing time with you guys). I would also thank her for all the wonderful free haircuts over the years.

Then suggest the compromise:

My compromise would be that your mom gets to be the one to take C to his salon haircuts so she can tell the stylist what to do. Encourage her to make it special.

ETA: I would introduce the topic by saying something like, "Mom I never noticed how hard it must be on you to cut C's hair until you had surgery on your hand and we had to go to the salon."

I've tried phrasing it like taking a load off of her but she is insistent that she is fine. I'm not sure she would bring him. That might hurt her more.

I'm sorry wedding this is a tough one.

Obviously, the best case scenario is that you can get your mom to agree to the salon without any hurt feelings which is the challenge.

My gut says that someone with rheumatoid arthritis and recovering from hand surgery really shouldn't be cutting hair anyway. Maybe you can stand your ground on medical reasons?

I wouldn't say anything about the haircuts being "bad" I'd say you noticed it's getting harder and harder on her.

[peachsmama]

Can you correct her as she cuts it and hope it gets better? Or would she get offended?

[lahdeedah]

That's a tough one. Since C loved it, can it become something he and YH does? Like male bonding or something? I would not continue to let her cut it if it's bad and you don't like it. Insist that she let her hand heal for the time being and maybe she will back off the subject. I hope you can figure out something that makes you all happy.

[mskatiep]

Does your brother's ex refuse because she's an ex now or because the quality is less than stellar?

This is a really tough situation. Can you alternate between the two places? Explain that it's because he loved the salon so much?

If her feelings would be super hurt, I'd most likely just let her cut it and then try to even it up myself. I really hate hurting feelings so I avoid it as much as possible.

[wedding]

Jun 22, 2017 19:25:23 GMT -6 peachsmama said:

Can you correct her as she cuts it and hope it gets better? Or would she get offended?

I've tried to correct her but it always comes out different than planned. She used to do this to me when I was younger. No matter what I asked for she cut it however she wanted.

[wedding]

Jun 22, 2017 22:06:10 GMT -6 mskatiep said:

Does your brother's ex refuse because she's an ex now or because the quality is less than stellar?

This is a really tough situation. Can you alternate between the two places? Explain that it's because he loved the salon so much?

If her feelings would be super hurt, I'd most likely just let her cut it and then try to even it up myself. I really hate hurting feelings so I avoid it as much as possible.

The ex likely didn't allow it because she didn't like my parents and didn't want to spend time with them. Since she set that precedent from the start, even though they are divorced now and she wouldn't see them, she gets the boys haircuts on her own.

Alternating may work. I think I'm going to show her what I like about his current haircut and see if she can replicate it next cut and go from there. She's so sad about her hands and I hate the idea of taking away yet another thing she used to be able to do but can't. She still cuts my dads hair and he's had some quality problems too but just deals with it.

[peachsmama]

I would emphasize that you had never thought about this style on him before, but now that he has it you really like it on him and would like to continue it. And see if she can replicate it.

But if she's just doing whatever she wants no matter what you tell her, I would have to fire her. When my mom first started watching Matthew, she would do stuff that I didn't approve of. Like I'd come home from work and they'd be gone, and she wouldn't have told me where they were going or when they'll be home. I told her that if she couldn't follow our rules, we'd pay the sitter that does. So now she's good about following our rules.

[yummeecookee]

I think the idea of alternating might be a good one.
And I would keep emphasizing how much C loves going to the salon and gets a big kick out of it. Maybe you will get lucky and C will start vocalizing this more.