Intro ( TW)

[peaseblossom55]

Hi
I figure I would intro here, although somewhat reluctantly.  I have a daughter E who is almost 8 months old.

TW's
We lost our daughter Anne.liese at 22 weeks TFMR, after finally conceiving, then went through more IF several failed IVF cycles and I got pregnant with twins, lost baby A Magg.ie at 16 weeks and was told I was going to lose baby b too, but she defied the odds and survived.  I did get pre-eclampsia and was induced via emergency c section with twin B Em.ilia at 29 weeks, and she had a 2 month NICU stay.  

She is perfectly healthy and doing great, but we went through so much just to get a living child here.  I wouldn't mind the IF treatments again, but I worry about another loss or another preemie and how it would affect E.  I also said I would not go past 40 for being pregnant.  I do have another 2 years to decide but I lean towards being OAD.  I will always feel like our family is incomplete due to our losses, I also feel a bit sad E won't have the sibling she was supposed to from being a twin.  
I do like the idea of having just one allows us to focus our attention on just her, allows us better vacations, and other things as well.  H & I haven't really officially decided anything but for now this where I feel I land.  I hope you will allow me to participate when I can ( work blocks this site, boo).  If I have said anything offensive please let me know.  I look forward to getting to know you all.

If I may ask- any regrets on being OAD? Is it normal to flip flop on the decision?

[csho]

Hi peaseblossom55 welcome!

We are OAD by choice and don't regret it. There are a lot of great benefits to being OAD! This board is a great community!

I feel like I can dedicate a lot of individual attention to my son! We do so much together, I feel that we will always have a special parent-child relationship. There are a lot of joys to be gained by having only one child:)

Although this isn't much of a deciding factor for us or probably for many, it's just that I do feel more secure about what we can provide financially. Again, just the side benefit of less financial stress.

[bobyn]

I'm so sorry for your losses. ((hugs))

We are OAD mostly by choice (partially by life circumstances), but never dealt with IF. I know there are others here who have similar stories to yours and I hope they chime in with their perspective.

As for us, I'm happy that I can give B my full attention and provide not only necessities, but also fun things as well. I didn't get to do extracurriculars as a child because my parents weren't financially responsible, so that is one of our top priorities in life for B - to offer him enriching and exciting things to do.

[yellowwallpaper]

Welcome. I'm so sorry for your losses.

I don't have any regrets being OAD. Two early losses and MFI did impact our decision but they were not the only reasons. Like bobyn, one of the reasons we are OAD is to be able to do more with/for our son. We could financially swing another child but we would have to severely cut back.

I think it is normal for people to go back and forth, even if not everybody does. We have had many "on the fence" posters on this board and discussions about it so please feel free to post, you are not being offensive at all.

[NamasteBirches]

Hi & welcome! I'm so sorry for your losses.
We are OAD by choice & have no regrets. DS was a preemie & although he was not as early & did not spend as much time in the NICU as your LO, if we decided to have another, I would be considered high risk. Although that is not a main reason why we are OAD, it is something I'd rather not go through again considering he's had/has a variety of special needs since the getgo.
I'll echo others in saying I think it's normal for people to go waiver back & forth in their decision making while others don't. Your LO is still young & like you said, you still have those 2 years to thoroughly decide. Feel free to stick around!

[misspeansmama]

Hi and welcome! I am very sorry for your losses.

We are OAD by choice, however, for DH our daughter's premature birth really solidified his decision. While I don't have any experience going through IF, I do know what it is like to have a premature baby and dealing with the NICU. It's damn scary! At my first follow up visit after DD was born we were told that if we chose to have another child, there were things they could do to help reduce the chances of another premature birth, but there was still a good 70% chance it could happen again.

I knew I only wanted one child before I even got pregnant, but DH had thought he might want more. When that 70% number came at us, he basically said "no way in hell are we going through that again". And it didn't take long for him to feel our family was complete with just the three of us. Not only do we both feel our family is complete, having one also allows us the ability to do a lot of things we otherwise wouldn't be able to (as a family and as a couple). I have no regrets about being OAD and could not imagine our lives any other way.

I think given your struggles and losses, it's completely normal to not know exactly what you want. It seems as though it's all relatively fresh for you so it may take you some time to decide. Having open discussions with YH about this and how you both see your future is important and may help shape your decision.

[dutchkatie]

Hi there and welcome peaseblossom55. I am very sorry for your losses.

We are OAD because we feel we can reasonably aspire to be half decent parents to one, but with more it would wear us out emotionally, mentally and financially. So no real struggle or regrets here.

Wishing you peace wherever you land, in the meantime, welcome!

[peaseblossom55]

Thank you so much everyone. I really like the financial aspect of being OAD. Especially as we think about saving for college. I always envisioned being OAD but sometimes I think hoe great it would be to see her as a big sister.


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[jillywilly]

Hi, peaseblossom55, I have been lurking the OAD board for a little bit and debating intro'ing because H and I are very fresh in our decision to be OAD, and have flip flopped A LOT, like every five minutes, so I just wanted to say yes, it is so normal (at least in my experience) to want a sibling for your child, but also feel that being OAD is the best choice for your family.

[Deleted]

Welcome! I'm sorry for your losses.

DD is 6 now and we have no regrets. I had a high risk pregnancy and DD ended up being 4 weeks early, plus post partum complications for me.
Like others have said, larger vacations and time in general are huge benefits to having only one. We can put DD in multiple summer activities and I don't feel stretched thin for time or money.

[skategirl128]

Welcome! I'm so sorry for your losses.

I've been OAD mostly due to circumstance. I've wrestled with this decision for the past six years- DS is now 9. I've enjoyed him as an only, but still have that wonder in the back of my head. I've been on the fence for a while now (secure with my SO and life circumstances have greatly changed for the better), but I continue to hang here unless something changes. It's a great group of us!


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[LED]

Welcome. *Hugs*

[punkypower]

I'm sorry for your loses!

DS is 11 1/2. We were OAD. But decided a few years ago to try for another. Life happened though. We casually tried for two years maybe-meaning going through periods of not trying because of outside circumstances. I hit the point where I would have been over 40 if I got pregnant. My first pregnancy wasn't smooth so we decided we didn't want to continue trying. DH got a vasectomy.

We do not regret not having another. DS though has asked for a sibling. I'm not of the mind that they are a must-obviously. I also know plenty of siblings who aren't close. There is a smidge of guilt but life is what it is.

[cam]

Welcome!

[Deleted]

Welcome! I'm so sorry for your losses. I think it's normal to question this decision and it's totally fine to talk about it here.

[helenahhandbasket]

Hi, I am so sorry for your losses.

I think some of us flip flop occasionally to constantly.

My DD is 5, and I am a combination of OaD by choice and circumstance (money, live in a hcol area, a divorce, I'm 37 yadda yadda ). When I find myself felling like I'm on the fence, I remind myself how cool my kid is and how lucky I am to be her mom. Seriously, we have such a close bond, I don't know how I'd ever have that with another child (I know it's different once you do have a second child). I feel like I'm spread very thin as it is, I can't imagine having less to give her.

I'm not sure if any of that helps you, or makes it worse, but please hang out there and participate as much as you like!

[spicysalmonroll]

peaseblossom55 , hey friend! E is getting so big and adorable. It is definitely normal to flip flop and question it, especially after everything you've been through. I in a FB group for OAD that has really, really helped me. Parents point out all the positives and it has given me so much confidence and excitement about our decision. I can definitely add you if you'd like!

ETA- not that this group here isn't awesome, I just don't have time/access to log on much!

[pennyandthejets]

Welcome, and I'm so sorry for your losses. We are OAD by choice but, a big part of it is also finances. I also get sad sometimes thinking about never giving DD a sibling but, I know this is the right choice for my husband and I and try as much as I can to focus on all the positive aspects of being OAD.

[peaseblossom55]

Jun 28, 2017 13:34:49 GMT -6 spicysalmonroll said:

peaseblossom55 , hey friend! E is getting so big and adorable. It is definitely normal to flip flop and question it, especially after everything you've been through. I in a FB group for OAD that has really, really helped me. Parents point out all the positives and it has given me so much confidence and excitement about our decision. I can definitely add you if you'd like!

ETA- not that this group here isn't awesome, I just don't have time/access to log on much!

Hi friend! Thank you so much.  I will let you know if I want to join your FB group. Right now I have so much going on its hard to keep up with so many groups on fb, and message boards.