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Post by clementine on Jul 1, 2018 16:18:07 GMT -6
Well.. it went okay. The first half of the convo was “let’s all be ok the same page” and “please respect our parenting decision” was fine. Both my parents agreed. Then we brought up the belly sleeping and radio silence from my mom. I could tell she was talking to my dad still just not loud enough for speaker phone. He said “well naturally Mom is upset” and “Mom just said maybe you should try to take advice from someone who raised two kids rather than a book”. 🙄 then L woke up from his nap so we just hung up. I definitely wasn’t as articulate as I wanted to be and I’m sure I missed things I meant to say but I hope the main point came across. I’m not sure what will happen with my mom. No talk of having her babysit coming up or not. I’m hoping next time we talk to her the way she responds will make it easy for us to decide.
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Post by alwayscheese on Jul 1, 2018 16:25:09 GMT -6
Ugh. I am angry for you clementine. A book. Really. She should have been at the meeting about SIDS etc that I was at. Facts and research are not just "a book".
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Post by nevertoomanyshoes on Jul 1, 2018 16:50:50 GMT -6
Ugh. I am angry for you clementine. A book. Really. She should have been at the meeting about SIDS etc that I was at. Facts and research are not just "a book". This! clementine Can you send her some safe sleeping stuff from your SIDS organisation? WTF to her doubling down on that shit.
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Post by clementine on Jul 1, 2018 17:27:41 GMT -6
Ugh I don’t know. She gets defensive pretty easily so I think that was her snap reaction to being called out. Which is still not okay. I hope she comes around and acknowledges her mistake and how she handled it. We literally said earlier in the convo we didn’t want to have to defend every parenting decision we make, whether it comes from advice from the pedi or grandparents or whoever. I think she agrees with the big picture, she just cannot handle actually doing it when the time comes.
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Leaf 🌱
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Post by Leaf 🌱 on Jul 1, 2018 18:59:49 GMT -6
clementine whoa. I’m so so sorry that was her reaction. I don’t understand what the big deal is - safety recommendations change all the time. It’s not like you’re asking her to do something ridiculous. It sucks that she’s digging her heels in when a simple “lol that’s not how we did it but I’ll make sure he’s on his back” would have made this a non-issue. You and YH need to do whatever makes you feel most comfortable. I hope she apologizes and y’all work this out quickly.
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Post by clementine on Jul 2, 2018 18:33:53 GMT -6
Talked to my mom on the phone today and it went even worse than before. It’s way too much to type out and honestly I’m so hurt and frustrated that I don’t even feel like rehashing it all. Basically she said that we don’t need to worry about not trusting her because she’s not going to babysit anymore. And that she isn’t going to apologize for doing what she’s comfortable with, like putting him on his belly. But I’m pretty sure we’ve hit the level of permanent relationship damage. I do still feel like the discussion needed to be had, especially with the way she responded today, but I am in such disbelief that this is how it happened. I’m hoping to continue talking to her about it but she just wants to be done with it. I just know it won’t ever really be done and now I’m sure we’ll be having this same discussion 50 more times throughout L’s life. Blahhhh. I really wish we could sit down and talk about it with some sort of mediator. It’s so hard being 3 hours away.
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Post by nevertoomanyshoes on Jul 2, 2018 19:19:00 GMT -6
Shit I’m so sorry clementine. That seems a massive overreaction on her part and extremely manipulative. Is that her “style” or is this out of the ordinary. It is not ok for her to guilt or manipulate you for disagreeing with her and standing your ground regarding safety and your parenting wishes. Honestly I know it’s easy to say when it’s not happening to you, but I wouldn’t engage with her about it any further. She does not know “better” than you regardless of how many kids she raised. She didn’t raise your kids, that’s your turf. End of discussion. I’m sorry she’s being so immature and difficult. ETA: fixed tag. And damn it, it’s her freaking loss if she doesn’t want to babysit your LO now. I’ll bet she tries to make that your fault in 5 years.
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Leaf 🌱
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Post by Leaf 🌱 on Jul 2, 2018 19:47:02 GMT -6
I’m really sorry she didn’t come around. Hopefully your dad can help talk some sense into her. She is giving up precious time with her grandson bc she doesn’t want to follow a few safety guidelines. It’s ridiculous. I’m so sad and angry on your behalf.
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Post by clementine on Jul 3, 2018 5:19:30 GMT -6
I kind of never saw it before because it was never directed towards me, but I’m beginning to see that this is her “style”. I can already see that in her mind, it’s me who is causing this issue and my fault that she can’t feel comfortable babysitting her grandchild. I want so badly to just resolve this all, but I really don’t think she’s open to discussing it. And even if she’s willing to talk, I think it would just be to continue defending her point of view instead of trying to listen and come to some sort of compromise.
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polson
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Post by polson on Jul 3, 2018 6:43:35 GMT -6
i feel bad reading and not responding even though i don’t really have any advice. i’m so sorry you are dealing with this. i’m having a hard time understanding why she can’t see that this is a know better, do better thing. i’m hoping that your dad can help mediate the situation.
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Post by calendula on Jul 3, 2018 7:23:05 GMT -6
clementine I'm so sorry. I'm sad and angry on your behalf too. Truly one of the hardest parts of this stage of my life has been learning to accept distance between my parents/brother and I. Its really hard to accept that you can't change other people, especially when its people you love so much and want to be a part of your kid's life. It feels like loss, like something you grieve. Huge hugs. Honestly my unsolicited advice is to let it lie for a bit. Give her some space and take time to focus on your own family. Its hard not having grandparents to babysit but plenty of people do it, and plenty of kids still have good relationships with grandparents without that solo time together. You're right to be hurt that she doesn't respect you and YH as parents. But what she has told you through word and deed is that you can't force it. I think you're right that continuing to try to "talk it out" won't be productive, and might make the damage worse. The burden is on her to make the change, not you.
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cp3
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Post by cp3 on Jul 3, 2018 7:35:54 GMT -6
I'm so sorry clementine. It is beyond frustrating that she won't see this as a safety issue. It isn't about her as a parent but how things have changed since then. If she doesn't want to follow safety guidelines and not babysit her grandson then that is on her and she is missing out. I'm sorry though because it understandably makes you upset. I agree to let things kind of settle for now and not push it. Maybe she will come around. You have done what you need to do and it is on your mom now to how she wants to proceed going forward. I'm sorry again.
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Post by ArielMermaid on Jul 3, 2018 7:37:20 GMT -6
This is her loss. She’s the one who will lose precious time with her grand baby because she can’t be bothered to keep him safe. I’m sorry she can’t see reason and come around. I’m sorry you even had to have this conversation. I can’t believe she would double down on something that is so unsafe at this age.
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snowmoon
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Post by snowmoon on Jul 3, 2018 9:36:22 GMT -6
I have no advice to offer but agree with what everyone else has said. It might be best to just let it lie for a while. It is her loss. You're doing what is best for your child and she's choosing not to repect that.
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Post by ArielMermaid on Jul 3, 2018 10:53:08 GMT -6
I’m so mad for you. I keep thinking about this. I want to shake your mom.
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Post by leatherpants on Jul 3, 2018 18:20:25 GMT -6
Oh man clementine. That’s really heartbreaking. I’m sorry it’s going like this. I hope in some time you guys can start repairing your relationship. You do not have to compromise on safety, even for grandparents. I just wish it had gone better for you. I agree with every word calendula said. I think that was excellent advice.
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