Grandparent Woes

[clementine]

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[alwayscheese]

No advice or experience, but hugs! I might end up being in the same situation with both of our moms and just ugh. Definitely have that conversation.

[calendula]

You'll need to let go of certain things, particularly as they get older...my kids get spoiled more with their grandparents than they do with me, and in the long run the close relationship they have is worth far more to me than how much crap they eat at my moms or how much my MIL babies my son (she literally still wipes his ass and he is six LOL). So you give a little.

However, what you are describing is a matter of safety, and that is non-negotiable and you're right to be concerned. I don't think a whole long conversation or discussion is necessary. "We are choosing to parent our child according to the recommendations of our pediatrician and our own values. It isn't personal, but much has changed since you were a parent and you need to respect our decisions. I know we both have the same goal and want L safe and loved".

And if she can't show you that she can be trusted, then the time L spends with her is going to be supervised. You don't need to make this a threat or a dagger in the relationship. It just is what it is. Grandparents aren't entitled to monopolize the parenting of their grandchildren but at the same time parents aren't entitled to free babysitting. You just kind of have to accept it and move on.

Good luck to you. It totally sucks but you're not wrong to want to address it now. The internet is full of horror stories about grandparents over the line, introducing inappropriate foods too early, getting haircuts without permission, even baptizing without permission. Not using carseats properly. Giving cold medicines. All sorts of things that would have been passable 30-40 years ago but not anymore.

[Leaf 🌱]

calendula I’m pretty sure my MIL would like to have baptized DD1 and has probably thrown some holy water on her head 😂😂

clementine forgive me for asking a few questions but have you been super clear with her? Are your parents together? Is just your mom coming to babysit and not your dad? Does she laugh it off when you try to correct her? Can you explain more about the previous conversation?

We have had minor issues with my mom and car seats bc she thinks extended rear facing is dumb and that I strap them in too tightly. She’s never done anything but make comments about DD1’s legs being squished and left straps a little looser but I made it explicitly clear to her that this is the way it is. I literally said “ok you may feel that way but this is the safest option and she will not be turned around until I say it’s ok.” I don’t care if she side-eyes, but she has to comply.

Did you explicitly say “do not put her in the counter/to sleep on her belly” before it happened? Some parenting stuff has changed so I try to give them the benefit of the doubt.

When/If you said “the baby needs to sleep on their back” did she kind of dismiss you or outright say “no I will not do that”? I’m ok with them rolling their eyes at my “crazy millennial parent worries” or whatever as long as they “humor” me by doing things as I ask. Thats as good as I am going to get without making it a HUGE FUCKING DEAL ya know?

My ILs have created some issues and I explained to DH that if I can’t trust them to listen to me in the small stuff, I don’t feel comfortable about the big stuff so I’m assuming that’s how YH feels now. Can you approach your mom from a “DH is super worried and nervous so I need you to promise you’ll carefully follow our instructions to the letter” kind of place? Is YH definitely not going to let her babysit now? I know that if DH told my MIL I didn’t trust her to watch the kids that it might cause some irreparable damage. It may be best to all have a conversation about what your mom can do to help ease his concerns before any final decision is made.

That being said, you’re both the parents so you both have to feel good about it and respect his concern. He obviously has every right to his own feelings and parenting decisions.

[Leaf 🌱]

Whoa. Sorry for the novel.

TLDR: you have to be extremely clear with grandparents, over-explain current “safe parenting” practices, and give them the opportunity to do better. But you always have to do whatever is needed to make sure you’re comfortable and your kid is safe.

[smilesp]

As for the things you mentioned...those are safety issues not parenting choices. I would say “It is not safe to place a baby in a seat on a table or counter” and “It is not safe for a baby L’s age to be put to sleep on their belly. Please only put him on his back to sleep”. I would make your expectations and wants clear but avoid emphasizing that you guys want to do things differently because I can see how that might come off as offensive.

[auri]

I just want to give hugs. Family dynamics can be tough. All of these ladies gave great advice though. This is definitely a conversation that you need to have now while L is still small though. It’s tough, but the longer you put it off, the more your mom will think it’s ok to not comply with you parenting decisions. I do wish I had a conversation with my in laws because they are used to doing anything they want with my nephews and think the same went for my kids.

Please don’t quote I will delete this later. Spoilered for crazy wall of text anecdote.

Poof

[snowmoon]

I just wanted to echo what everyone else has said that there is a difference between safety issues and parenting preferences. If any of my kids grandparents put them at risk by doing something I told them not to, they would not be caring for my children.

We have lived with my parents since my son was 2 months old. We have butt heads with them on every. single. thing that goes along with child rearing. At the end of the day you have to pick your battles or stand your ground on the non-negoitables. Safety is not negiotiable.

[nevertoomanyshoes]

Jun 27, 2018 13:08:54 GMT -6 smilesp said:

As for the things you mentioned...those are safety issues not parenting choices. I would say “It is not safe to place a baby in a seat on a table or counter” and “It is not safe for a baby L’s age to be put to sleep on their belly. Please only put him on his back to sleep”. I would make your expectations and wants clear but avoid emphasizing that you guys want to do things differently because I can see how that might come off as offensive.

This. Be blunt about the safety stuff. It’s not about values or beliefs. It’s safety. “Mum, things have changed since you had babies. It is not safe to do X. Do Y instead.” End scene.

My MIL is like that. We just tell her that’s not considered safe anymore do not do it. “But we did that with you and you’re fine bla bla bla”. “Well H is obviously one of the lucky ones. Don’t do it. Not up for debate”.

If she does it again after being explicitly told not to then no more babysitting for her.

[clementine]

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[clementine]

Omg so much info. Sorry for the novel.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I really really am not great with confrontation, but I know this needs to happen sooner rather than later. Like you said auri, it’s only going to get harder and I know there will only be more situations. calendula, the meds and foods things are issues that will come up I’m sure.

I definitely will try to approach it as “this is not personal” and try not to emphasize the “doing things differently” so as not to be offensive.

I am a little worried about making it seem like it’s just H’s worry. My mom is very much “think for yourself” and “don’t let anyone tell you what to do” so I’m worried she might think H is making the decisions and that I don’t have a say if we don’t present as a unified front. H has already said he’s fine if I blame it all on him, but I don’t want to do that.

I think I might talk to my dad about this first. I don’t want it to seem like I’m going behind her back though.

[clementine]

Ugh I’m so frustrated for you auri. What a terrible situation.
I’m sorry so many of you have had similar family issues. It’s so tough.

[smilesp]

Omg Auri I would lose my mind if someone took my kid in a car without a car seat. And then lied about it. Holy shit.

[nevertoomanyshoes]

clementine don’t mention that it’s your H that’s worried. She’ll just make him the bad guy which will make other issues. You guys are a United front. She is ignoring safety stuff because she thinks she knows better than you, since she’s continued after you corrected.

[cornpop]

So we went through something similar with my ILs. They're hoarders and it wasn't safe,IMO, with all the stuff piled around their house. They were planning on cleaning it out but I said I wanted them to watch Em at our house until they did.

It went... Really badly. Like... Really badly. They called me manipulative and crazy. And probably permanently hurt our relationship.

I'm not trying to scare you, but I would try to be as calm and logical as you can about everything.

If they live so far away, is it something you could put off doing for a while? I know I'm still kind of fragile post partum and if I had a conversation like that... It probably wouldn't end well right now.

[cornpop]

Jun 27, 2018 18:16:26 GMT -6 nevertoomanyshoes said:

clementine don’t mention that it’s your H that’s worried. She’ll just make him the bad guy which will make other issues. You guys are a United front. She is ignoring safety stuff because she thinks she knows better than you, since she’s continued after you corrected.

Omg yes. So much this.

[Leaf 🌱]

Jun 27, 2018 18:36:48 GMT -6 cornpop said:

Jun 27, 2018 18:16:26 GMT -6 nevertoomanyshoes said:

clementine don’t mention that it’s your H that’s worried. She’ll just make him the bad guy which will make other issues. You guys are a United front. She is ignoring safety stuff because she thinks she knows better than you, since she’s continued after you corrected.

Omg yes. So much this.

YES THIS. I realize I said to mention YH’s worries but I meant it as YH’s worries about leaving the baby in general vs leaving the babynwith your mom. I definitely should have been more clear. This would just give you a neutral, relatable concern instead of really making it about them. It works for DH with his parents bc he can say “Leaf gets so nervous about other people driving the girls, so let’s go over car seat safety one more time. I can show you how to buckle in the girls when we leave for dinner. Then you can can do it when we leave to make sure you have the hang of the car seat straps.” I can say “thanks for doing that - I really appreciate you taking the time to learn bc it freaks me out.”!Does that make sense? It gives them an actual opportunity to learn, let’s them know it’s a point of concern, and makes things way less awkward.

What I really want to say is “I’m pretty sure you’ll screw this up so listen closely.”’ But I’m working on that.

ETA: My ILs are *~*~*sensitive*~*~* so this is the most effective way to ge them to listen/learn without a huge issue. My mom gets the blunt treatment from my original post bc that works best with her. Who knew grandparents needed such babying?!

[clementine]

I’m so sorry cornpop. That must have been so hurtful. Do you and your ILs still get along okay?

I’m trying to avoid permanent damage to our relationship since we’ve always been pretty close. It’s just so hard to have this change in dynamics where I’m now in a position to make decisions that my parents will (hopefully) follow, as opposed to them always being in charge while I grew up.

I don’t want to put it off much longer since we have to do it before that wedding in mid July. Plus I worry if we keep putting it off, more things will happen and the feelings will just pile up. And I want to try to be as calm about it as I can, like you said.

[clementine]

Leaf 🌱 yeah that makes sense! I think it might help to phrase it in that way. You are so right about the grandparents needing babying. I did not anticipate this when thinking about having kids. Not that it would have changed anything... just really makes you see your parents in a different light, I feel like it amplifies their good qualities but also their not so great qualities.

Thank you all again for your advice and support. It has all been really helpful!

[cornpop]

Jun 27, 2018 19:41:10 GMT -6 clementine said:

I’m so sorry cornpop. That must have been so hurtful. Do you and your ILs still get along okay?

I’m trying to avoid permanent damage to our relationship since we’ve always been pretty close. It’s just so hard to have this change in dynamics where I’m now in a position to make decisions that my parents will (hopefully) follow, as opposed to them always being in charge while I grew up.

I don’t want to put it off much longer since we have to do it before that wedding in mid July. Plus I worry if we keep putting it off, more things will happen and the feelings will just pile up. And I want to try to be as calm about it as I can, like you said.

Eh no. We basically all just tolerate each other. It's not fun.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. And honestly the last thing I want to do is scare you. I would just try to be as calm as you can and be open to what they say,while still making sure you feel comfortable with everything

[leatherpants]

Jun 27, 2018 14:39:04 GMT -6 nevertoomanyshoes said:

Jun 27, 2018 13:08:54 GMT -6 smilesp said:

As for the things you mentioned...those are safety issues not parenting choices. I would say “It is not safe to place a baby in a seat on a table or counter” and “It is not safe for a baby L’s age to be put to sleep on their belly. Please only put him on his back to sleep”. I would make your expectations and wants clear but avoid emphasizing that you guys want to do things differently because I can see how that might come off as offensive.

This. Be blunt about the safety stuff. It’s not about values or beliefs. It’s safety. “Mum, things have changed since you had babies. It is not safe to do X. Do Y instead.” End scene.

My MIL is like that. We just tell her that’s not considered safe anymore do not do it. “But we did that with you and you’re fine bla bla bla”. “Well H is obviously one of the lucky ones. Don’t do it. Not up for debate”.

If she does it again after being explicitly told not to then no more babysitting for her.

I fully agree with all of this.

And I’m really sorry you have to do this with your parents. It’s not an easy conversation. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[sweetc129]

You got a lot of good advice, so I just wanted to add good luck. Having these conversations are always tough but necessary when it’s safety issues.

auri OMG is flip

[ArielMermaid]

I see everyone has covered it nicely. I’ve just got hairpats for you.
And holy fucking hell I hate the “well I raised you and you survived,” thing, my MIL LOVES that line.

[woodenshoes]

I have nothing to add but I know how frustrating it is when parents think they “know” better than you. Like Leaf 🌱 mother my mother gave me a lot of grief about extended rear facing DS1 no matter how much I told her it was safer. She didn’t get that DS1 didn’t know any differently so he didn’t care what way he faced. I also am not looking forward to our Iowa trip in August because I am bringing the PnP. My ILs have a crib but it is ancient and I am not letting L sleep in it due to safety concerns. This is going to annoy my H too.

[Leaf 🌱]

Jun 28, 2018 9:39:26 GMT -6 woodenshoes said:

I have nothing to add but I know how frustrating it is when parents think they “know” better than you. Like Leaf 🌱 mother my mother gave me a lot of grief about extended rear facing DS1 no matter how much I told her it was safer. She didn’t get that DS1 didn’t know any differently so he didn’t care what way he faced. I also am not looking forward to our Iowa trip in August because I am bringing the PnP. My ILs have a crib but it is ancient and I am not letting L sleep in it due to safety concerns. This is going to annoy my H too.

Why is every one in such a rush to turn them around? We turned DD right before DD2 was born at just over 2.5. I would have left her RF longer but I literally couldn’t lift her into the seat anymore.

They’re going to be reallllyyyyyy annoyed by how long I leave her in a five point harness and then a booster 😂😂😂

[katietopaz]

I just wanted to echo the support and suggestions from PPs. It's so frustrating when parents aren't on the same page generally speaking, let alone when we're talking safety that's backed up by solid statistics (SIDS and back to sleep, RF carseats, etc) Even my mom, who is a NICU NNP and stays up-to-date on the latest research, sometimes needs a nudge about things.

I hope the convo goes well. Keep us posted.

[auri]

Jun 28, 2018 11:13:17 GMT -6 Leaf 🌱 said:

Jun 28, 2018 9:39:26 GMT -6 woodenshoes said:

I have nothing to add but I know how frustrating it is when parents think they “know” better than you. Like Leaf 🌱 mother my mother gave me a lot of grief about extended rear facing DS1 no matter how much I told her it was safer. She didn’t get that DS1 didn’t know any differently so he didn’t care what way he faced. I also am not looking forward to our Iowa trip in August because I am bringing the PnP. My ILs have a crib but it is ancient and I am not letting L sleep in it due to safety concerns. This is going to annoy my H too.

Why is every one in such a rush to turn them around? We turned DD right before DD2 was born at just over 2.5. I would have left her RF longer but I literally couldn’t lift her into the seat anymore.

They’re going to be reallllyyyyyy annoyed by how long I leave her in a five point harness and then a booster 😂😂😂

DD is going to be 5 on the 16th. She’s still in a 5 point harness.

[woodenshoes]

Jun 28, 2018 12:46:45 GMT -6 auri said:

Jun 28, 2018 11:13:17 GMT -6 Leaf 🌱 said:

Why is every one in such a rush to turn them around? We turned DD right before DD2 was born at just over 2.5. I would have left her RF longer but I literally couldn’t lift her into the seat anymore.

They’re going to be reallllyyyyyy annoyed by how long I leave her in a five point harness and then a booster 😂😂😂

DD is going to be 5 on the 16th. She’s still in a 5 point harness.

DS1 who is 4.5 is still in a 5 point harness too. He has rode in a booster seat a couple times for emergency situations when I had no other options, but he just now is at the bottom weight and height limit for the lap belt booster, so he will be in his car seat for a while longer.

[nevertoomanyshoes]

clementine any updates? If you’ve not spoken to her yet, good luck and I hope it goes well.

[clementine]

We’re planning to talk to my parents tomorrow sometime. I’ll report back, hopefully with good news.