Help with consequences

[hardlyluck]

I'll try to keep this short but I'm not sure I'll succeed.
I stay home so my 3 yo DS spends pretty much all day with me. He is in a science class though out recreation district that is the first non-parent participation class he's been in. It's not gone great but i have seen improvements over the last two months. Until today...today was the last day of the class and he apparently decided to take over 200 National Geographic magazines out of their holders and dump them into a pile on the floor. Then he went to the story area and started rolling up the carpet. I heard the teacher say "Okay 'M' I'm going to get your mom, I'm done with you" (I stay out in the hallway so I can't see into the classroom but can I can hear when they are close to the door).
All the teacher said to me was "M is choosing to tear things apart in here so he needs to come sit with you for awhile and then he needs to come clean this mess up".
There was only 5 min left in the class so I made him sit in time out in the hallway until class was over, I hadn't seen how bad the mess was until I took him in when class let out to clean it up. He then sat down and scream/cried refusing to help clean anything up. Normally I would just stay there until he cleaned up the mess but I had to go pick my youngest from my moms so I didn't have time for a battle of wills. So I ultimately gave up and cleaned up the magazines myself.
I try to whenever possible use natural and immediate consequences, but my window for that has passed. I guess I'm looking for advice on what his "punishment" should be? And maybe some commiseration for butthead toddlers. God sorry that was definitely not short, hopefully that word vomit makes sense.

Tl;Dr My kid was an ass in his class today and I'm looking for appropriate consequences for his behavior.

[billyhorrible]

I don't know how other people deal with this, but personally, I think that once the moment has passed, the moment has passed. They're not quite able to connect later punishments with past actions.


I think I would focus more on what you can do for these type of situations in the future and not as much on what happened today.

I will also say, that if this behavior has not been occurring during the class previously, this could be his way of expressing anxiety or disappointment with the fact that he doesn't get to do something he enjoyed anymore. At 3 he can't say "I'm upset" but he knows he feels a certain way and often acting out is an expression of that. I probably would have discussed a little of the "why" with him at the time.

[hardlyluck]

I think you're right and I normally stick to the "in the moment" consequence. This was just my first time dealing with another person, the teacher, being involved so I didn't want to be complacent.

[billyhorrible]

If it makes you feel better, I don't think the teacher handled it especially well. Telling a kid "I'm done with you" rubs me the wrong way.

[danib]

I agree with billyhorrible (on both posts). At 3, delayed consequences really don't work as they are too young to commect the dots once so much time has passed.
To focus on prevention, you could start doing some "feelings" work (if you haven't already), and talk about transitions/difficult situations as they approach (how we feel, what we are going to do, etc).

[budders]

I agree that once you're out of the moment, it's over. And that a teacher should NEVER say "I'm done with you". I cringed as I read that.

It does sound like what the teacher DID do that I would have done in her shoes is remove him from the situation. I would have used different words, but I think that provides an appropriate immediate consequence ( missing the rest of the activity) given the situation. While I always like to see a student (or my own child) demonstrate an appropriate version of the behavior to get back on track (in this case, restoring the area that was destroyed), it sounds like too much time and other stuff happened in between to make that a realistic goal, and I think you were right to move on.

Also, since the incident happened with the teacher, I feel like if it was going to be finished with anyone, it should have been her. I understand why she had to pass him off to you logistically, but in general I don't think you were complacent. It was her role to close out the incident and wrap things up.

[sheilathetank]

I have questions:
Do you stay for every class? Did he know that this was the last class? Did the last class have a different structure than all the others? How many other kids are in the class? Has your son done anything like this before?

I'm wtfing this teacher but I asked the questions above just to be sure. He is 3. 3 yos are notoriously assholes. For her to just throw her hands up and audibly say "i'm done with you" is something else.

[hardlyluck]

Jun 13, 2017 6:50:39 GMT -6 sheilathetank said:

I have questions:
Do you stay for every class? Did he know that this was the last class? Did the last class have a different structure than all the others? How many other kids are in the class? Has your son done anything like this before?

I'm wtfing this teacher but I asked the questions above just to be sure. He is 3. 3 yos are notoriously assholes. For her to just throw her hands up and audibly say "i'm done with you" is something else.

He knew it was the last class because I'd been talking up having fun and using his best listening ears for the last day. This is the first non-parent participation class he's been in so no other structured classes to compare it too really. There are usually 9 kids in the class but there were only 6 yeasterday.
He's knocked books of shelves at home and similar things, but I've always stopped it long before it got this bad, and he is always required to pick up whatever mess he made. I'm definitely not question whether or not he did it, I have no trouble believing he did. Honestly I was frustrated with the way the teacher handled it and I just wanted to make sure I didn't let that frustration/embarrassment excuse or justify DS actions, which is why I wanted to check with you smart people making sure he'd had appropriate consequences. Basically I'm using you guys to keep my knee jerk protective instincts under control😉

[sheilathetank]

Jun 13, 2017 8:30:47 GMT -6 hardlyluck said:

Jun 13, 2017 6:50:39 GMT -6 sheilathetank said:

I have questions:
Do you stay for every class? Did he know that this was the last class? Did the last class have a different structure than all the others? How many other kids are in the class? Has your son done anything like this before?

I'm wtfing this teacher but I asked the questions above just to be sure. He is 3. 3 yos are notoriously assholes. For her to just throw her hands up and audibly say "i'm done with you" is something else.

He knew it was the last class because I'd been talking up having fun and using his best listening ears for the last day. This is the first non-parent participation class he's been in so no other structured classes to compare it too really. There are usually 9 kids in the class but there were only 6 yeasterday.
He's knocked books of shelves at home and similar things, but I've always stopped it long before it got this bad, and he is always required to pick up whatever mess he made. I'm definitely not question whether or not he did it, I have no trouble believing he did. Honestly I was frustrated with the way the teacher handled it and I just wanted to make sure I didn't let that frustration/embarrassment excuse or justify DS actions, which is why I wanted to check with you smart people making sure he'd had appropriate consequences. Basically I'm using you guys to keep my knee jerk protective instincts under control😉

With the additional details, I am definitely side eyeing the teacher. It sounds like your kid was upset that it was the last class and was acting out, also given that mommy wasn't there the first time and it sounds like there was no direction from the teacher he got a little out of control. No big deal and typical for the age. I think removing him from the situation and making him pick up his mess is fair. Other than that there is not much more you can do unless it happens again.