Can we talk toddler stubbornness and tantrums?

[lucilleaustero]

I swear, I feel like a first time mom again with this kid.

DD was such a breezy toddler. DS...well, he is not.

He is so stubborn. When he has it in his head that he does not want to do something, it is game over. Even when given the choice between a preferred activity and his stubbornness, he chooses being willful every damn time. Eventually, he comes around, he always does. But, I fly solo in the mornings due to my DH's work schedule and I have to get DD and DS out the door to daycare and school and get to work on time. Any tips on stubbornness?

Also, how do you handle tantrums? Not the throwing themself of the floor kind, but the 'I am going to cry and scream loudly for no apparent reason kind'.

I know part of it is that he has CAS and cannot verbalize his feelings well and he is in therapy for that. But, this would be his personality even if he could speak.

[billmurray]

Jun 9, 2017 7:22:07 GMT -6 lucilleaustero said:

I swear, I feel like a first time mom again with this kid.

DD was such a breezy toddler. DS...well, he is not.

He is so stubborn. When he has it in his head that he does not want to do something, it is game over. Even when given the choice between a preferred activity and his stubbornness, he chooses being willful every damn time. Eventually, he comes around, he always does. But, I fly solo in the mornings due to my DH's work schedule and I have to get DD and DS out the door to daycare and school and get to work on time. Any tips on stubbornness?

Also, how do you handle tantrums? Not the throwing themself of the floor kind, but the 'I am going to cry and scream loudly for no apparent reason kind'.

I know part of it is that he has CAS and cannot verbalize his feelings well and he is in therapy for that. But, this would be his personality even if he could speak.

DS is also very stubborn, and does do the throwing himself on the floor kind of tantrum. Sometimes I try talking to him, but sometimes I just let him be (ensuring he is in a safe area and will not get harmed). I ignore him, and sometimes go into the next room.  He'll usually stop, though it might take a few long minutes, and then come over to me.  I'll be following this thread to see what others do. Toddler tantrums are the worst.

[littlelion]

Here's a few ways I try to handle L's tantrums. (he's 2.5 yo)

- Ignore it. This happens a lot when he wants to play on my phone or DH's (all dh's fault). And also when he wants something that's not healthy like when he gets bday treat bag and wants more than 1 piece. He ends up crying but if I tell him "he can have one later" or give him a hug, he kind of gets over it. Sometimes I'll pretend to cry, that makes him run over and hug me.  
- If it's trying to get him to do something (like go outside with me, or take a bath), I'll use his baby brother such as "No, baby can't take a bath, it's L's turn". Makes him think he's getting a turn on something good. 
- The I'm-giving-you-to-3 method. Usually this is used for putting on shoes, clothes, and diapers. I tell him he has until the count of 3 to let me do it or I'm going to make him do it. And then I count and if by 3 he's not sitting down, I grab him and hold him down to get the stuff on him. This is the morning routine. I used to bribe him with promising him a donut but then he'd remember and keep asking for it. The counting to 3 is not a great concept yet. He does understand that I'm upset at him afterwards and he looks sad. But sometimes when I say I'm going to count to 3, he starts counting. LOL.

[billyhorrible]

Mornings are the WORST. I seriously feel drained by the time they leave the house.

I try to keep things moving. Up, dressed, breakfast, car. I give choices on clothes and breakfast, but if you don't respond, mom picks it out. There is stubbornness and "fighting" but again, I try to just keep moving through them without engaging. There are lots of tears in the morning.

As far as tantrums you're describing, I try to acknowledge what is usually an expression of frustration. LBB did well with hugs and being held. BH needs to be alone, so I'll tell him that it sounds like he's frustrated, and I'm sorry he can't do x,y,z, then I'll let him be.

[ohreally]

The biggest thing that helped our morning routine was time. Meaning I gave us more time to get ready. If we're rushed, I am short and have no time for shenanigans. Giving us 40 minutes to get out the door allows us to move at their pace and makes a better start for everyone.

My kids also thrive on routine and being independent. We pick clothes out for the week on Sunday and lay them out for the next day the night before. They know they get up, go potty, and change. Many mornings I have to remind them to stay on task but giving them the ability to do it themselves improves their moods.

In desperate times, we also use the "count of three" method. I always tell them what's going to happen at three so they can decide if they'll do it themselves or force me to help them.

As for random tantrums, we just ignore them, but honestly, they are rare.

[littleliverpill]

No advice but I'm here in solidarity. DS is capable of tantrum screaming for literally more than an hour straight, and nothing I do makes a difference. I try to ignore the behavior. It isn't working that well. So hugs, because I get it.

[budders]

Our best tactic for V is redirection. Usually I just say "Oh, do you hear that?" And he stops to listen. Then we'll hunt for any sound. His desire to spot a motorcycle, helicopter, etc. is larger than his will to scream forever, thankfully.

Lots of hugs and good thoughts, that sounds so stressful.

[Taitai]

DS is very strong willed, so we deal with this issue too. Redirection works well for us right now. I fear as DS gets older though, it's not going to work as well and he won't "let go" as easily.

Another tactic is telling DS "there's no need to cry over this" or singing a specific jingle from Daniel Tiger. "If you're feeling mad, like you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to four....1, 2, 3, 4...[deep breath]". It shockingly works more often than not, which I think is because DSbhas an affinity for music, and the song also probably distracts him from what he was so upset about.

If those don't work, we will just ignore and let him figure it out. I hate that he can spin up in a rage sometimes, but I feel like some of this is just unavoidable toddler stuff (at least for us and our kid).

[italianmommy]

A good acronym to fall back on is "ACT"

A - Acknowledge the feeling (I see You're mad/frustrated/angry/sad, etc)
C - Communicate the limit (but we have to go home now/but rocks are not for throwing/but there are no more treats, etc)
T - Target an alternative (let's read a book in the car/let's play with this instead/let's have some fruit instead of yogurt/let's walk not run, etc)

If we're at home and she throws a tantrum, I'll say/do something like "Aww, I see you're mad. You're very mad. Ok, well you can be mad. Mommy's going to do laundry now." (walk away.. wait for her to calm a bit.) If she follows me, or starts to de-escalate, I'll offer a hug and some redirection.

When they can't verbalize their feelings or needs, it's an incredibly frustrating time for everyone involved. But try to imagine yourself as the port in the storm - the rocky weather will pass and your kid needs a strong, stable unit to hold on to until the powerful feelings pass. I also remind myself not to take it personally. My kid isn't purposely trying to ruin my life (at least not yet, anyways) with these meltdowns, so I try to remind myself that this is a normal, expected phase of toddlerhood and this too shall pass.