AE and I have a question.

[kiwi9819]

Last night H and I went out. It was lovely until it wasn’t it started when we got home and got in a stupid fight. He was drunk (I didn’t realize at this point) and he got upset about something that wasn’t an issue.

He was argumentative but mostly belligerent. I was going to just let it go and tell him to sleep. But while he was fighting with me (ish), he grabbed me and and slapped my ass wayyy harder than any kind of normal. I asked him wtf and he said yeah he wanted to hurt me.

Then I looked at him, saw he was way more drunk than I thought and just let him sleep. Next morning he was very loving and embarrassed.

I guess I don’t have a question. That’s either the beginning or the end right? He’s never done anything like this but I’m reticent to give him another chance. I feel very violated.

[Deleted]

I’m sorry that happened to you. I can imagine how scary that was.

Does he drink often? Have you ever noticed violent behavior before drinking or not?

I don’t really have advice because I think it’s for you to decide how you feel either way and I don’t want to say how I would feel. It’s just important how you feel.

[kiwi9819]

It’s the first physical altercation but not the first questionable verbal altercation. He’s already requested info for a couples counselor.

I always though physical anything was my line. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the chest.

[leatherpants]

I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how you feel.

Did you guys speak about it this morning?

[leatherpants]

Apr 18, 2018 21:36:15 GMT -6 kiwi9819 said:

It’s the first physical altercation but not the first questionable verbal altercation. He’s already requested info for a couples counselor.

I always though physical anything was my line. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the chest.

I’m with JG - I think her post was really wise. My only advice is that if he’s looking for counseling, maybe it should be for himself first. This was him crossing a line and that is separate from your argument as a couple. You were to have a disagreement with him without becoming physical.

[enchanted]

I'm so sorry that happened. I can't imagine how violating that must have been. I wish I had advice or anything useful to say.

Are you able to get some distance, even just sleeping in another room while you figure things out?

[Deleted]

It is a line. And it’s totally ok if that is your line.

And it’s totally ok if it’s not your line based on one time.




If I were in your shoes, I would reach out to an individual counselor or access my work Employer Assistance Program for one or two counseling sessions to talk through a) warning signs of a more serious anger/violence issue on his part and b) what it looks like for you if this is the end of your relationship.

[Yogurt]

I'm sorry that happened to you.

[Tlex]

I'm sorry, OP. All I know for sure is that I don't know what I'd do in your shoes, so I'm here with a non judgemental heart and it's open to you. I do want to validate how upsetting that must have been. Take your time figuring out how you feel and take care of yourself.

[SweetPotato]

If this is it for you that is completely understandable. And if you thought it was but it isn’t that’s understandable also.

At the moment I’d focus on whether you feel that you (and any kids if you have them) are currently safe.

[cyprissa]

This is a really tough situation and I’m so sorry that you experienced that. I think it is ok to be unsure of where your line is...it’s not something most of us think about regularly. I would absolutely look at counseling for yourself so you can sort through your feelings. A counselor that is only for you can also objectively access if there are other warning signs in his behavior. I would also stay away from couples counseling until you have spoken to an individual therapist since couples counseling is not recommended for domestic violence: www.co.washington.or.us/CommunityCorrections/VictimServices/Services/upload/12-Reasons-Why-Couples-DV.pdf


nasw-michiganblog.weebly.com/blog---the-social-worker-perspective/why-couples-counseling-is-not-recommended-when-domestic-violence-has-occurred

Hugs!

[adelbert]

I'm so sorry. One thing which stood out to me was that you didn't realize he was drunk. Why not? Was he secretly drinking? That would be an issue for me. Like the others said whatever you decide is OK and this is only on him.

[goldenbird]

You've gotten some good advice already. I wanted to say I'm sorry that happened and that you're going through this. We're here for you. ❤

[shan-ah-doo]

Yeah being drunk is no excuse. If I remember my research right, getting somewhat abusive when intoxicated is an alcohol issue even if he doesn’t drink often.

I wouldn’t let him off the hook.

[shan-ah-doo]

Apr 19, 2018 4:45:47 GMT -6 shan-ah-doo said:

Yeah being drunk is no excuse. If I remember my research right, getting somewhat abusive when intoxicated is an alcohol issue even if he doesn’t drink often.

I wouldn’t let him off the hook.

With that being said, I wouldn’t divorce him over it. If he didn’t say he wanted to hurt you I’d just see this as him acting like a drunk ass. We’ve all been there.

[helenahhandbasket]

I’m sorry this happened. I don’t really have any advice, but I’m glad he’s agreeing to seek therapy.

[piratecat]

I am sorry that you're dealing with this. I'm not sure what I would do in your situation. I just want to offer you a hug.

[notblanche]

I'm very sorry this happened.

[rvasc]

YGPM

[veganontuesdays]

Apr 18, 2018 22:06:08 GMT -6 Tlex said:

I'm sorry, OP. All I know for sure is that I don't know what I'd do in your shoes, so I'm here with a non judgemental heart and it's open to you. I do want to validate how upsetting that must have been. Take your time figuring out how you feel and take care of yourself.

This is where I am completely. I am so sorry this happened to you. 

[Minerva]

I’m sorry this happened to you. You have every right to feel violated and any other emotions you may be feeling. I think @juliagulia gave some wise advice. I also think that while drinking too much may be an explanation for his behavior, it is not an excuse.

[zoeylucy]

I agree with everything @juliagulia and Tlex said. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

[4PrivetDrive]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I didn't want to read and not comment. You've gotten a lot of wise words already.

[kiwi9819]

I also think couples counseling was kind of bullshit and knee jerk. Kids were asleep.

[kiwi9819]

Apr 19, 2018 2:43:43 GMT -6 adelbert said:

I'm so sorry. One thing which stood out to me was that you didn't realize he was drunk. Why not? Was he secretly drinking? That would be an issue for me. Like the others said whatever you decide is OK and this is only on him.

Maybe? I had 2 beers and thought he had the same but he had more obviously so idk.

[bazi]

I don’t have any advice beyond what PP already said, but I’m really sorry this happened to you. Beyond the physical violation, saying he actually wanted to hurt you is awful.

[darcyjulep]

I think you've received great advice already.

Since you said this was certainly crossing a line for you, I would very clearly communicate that to your H (if you feel safe having that direct of a conversation at this point) and let him know what you need in very clear terms, whether that is some time apart (hotel, separate bedrooms, etc), counseling, etc.

I also think the suggestion above for you to seek individual counseling or advice regarding other warning signs to look for is important.

Do you have any concerns about behavior towards your kids crossing a line, or is it just towards you at this point?

[adelbert]

Apr 19, 2018 7:57:34 GMT -6 kiwi9819 said:

Apr 19, 2018 2:43:43 GMT -6 adelbert said:

I'm so sorry. One thing which stood out to me was that you didn't realize he was drunk. Why not? Was he secretly drinking? That would be an issue for me. Like the others said whatever you decide is OK and this is only on him.

Maybe? I had 2 beers and thought he had the same but he had more obviously so idk.

Yeah that would bother me a lot. Sometimes my H and I go out and it's clear that we will both getting drunk but if we're just drinking a few beers I would expect and assume that neither of us were getting drunk.

I don't want to speculate too much since I don't know all the facts but it sounds like getting drunk and starting a fight with you about something stupid has happened before. This wouldn't be an OK pattern for me. My H goes out quite often with his friends and they normally get a bit drunk but his normal pattern when he comes home is to say good night to me and go to bed.

How are you feeling about it all today?

[wickedcandy]

I'm sorry this is happening to you Kiwi...

I would not go to couples counseling , I would do a few sessions for yourself first & your H needs to see one on his own for however long it takes, then maybe you could start couples. The wanting to hurt you comment & the drunk belligerent stuff gives me pause, but only you know your limits, but please stay safe & (hugs)

[Deleted]

Is he usually belligerent when drunk?

What did you mean by "when he was fighting with me (ish)"? Had the argument stopped and then he sought you out to hurt you?