TTCAL 3/20

[sammysam]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive, after a loss, every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.


If you get a BFP, kindly either spoiler alert it or do not post it here at all.


**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**



How are you doing?



Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):



Diagnosis (if applicable):



Updates/questions:



Debbie downer (a place to vent ) : 

[charliefox]

How are you doing? Okay, but it's only cd7


Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC


Diagnosis (if applicable): unexplained 2IF


Updates/questions: just ordered my trigger shot for next week (that I have to give to myself). Definitely having a SJGR moment.


Debbie downer (a place to vent): nada at the moment

[purple]

How are you doing? Oh dear. I thought I was doing okay, I then I remembered that my BFP with Gracie was two years ago next week. I can't talk to H about it because his mind doesn't work the same way and I'll just upset him.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/a

Updates/questions: Nope. Pretty sure this is not the month because of bad timing.

Debbie downer (a place to vent ) : I look back at my innocence two years ago and I'm not the same person. It took two years to conceive L and I had a difficult pregnancy and birth so I didn't think I was innocent. One near death experience and six lost babies later... I'll never be that person again.

[sammysam]

purple Sorry you're feeling so down. Guys don't get it at all...no matter how supportive they are. Sorry about the BFP anniversary. Those dates creep up on you and just throw you for a loop. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Know that we're all here for you!

[sammysam]

How are you doing? OK.



Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC



Diagnosis (if applicable): NA



Updates/questions: This is going to sound weird...did anyone have a feeling before their loss that they were going to lose their pregnancy? I kept dreaming about blood leading up to my US where things started looking bad...so I was expecting things to go wrong and wasn't really too surprised when they said things wern't looking good. If that makes sense. But now I feel like I'm putting too much stock in dreams. I keep dreaming of pregnant people (presumably me but not actually me) in dreams where things go wrong with the mother. And now it's freaking me out. I'm not sure if it's just some form of PTSD from the hemorrhage or what. But now part of me is super worried that if we get pregnant again something bad is going to happen to me. Am I being completely insane?



Debbie downer (a place to vent ) : FF gave me an O date that I'm pretty sure is totally wrong. Timing is still good ish either way but Argh! I don't understand. It seems so obvious to me that O was 2 days after what FF is showing. I know it's not a big deal but honestly everything TTC related feels like a big deal these days.

[sammysam]

charliefox When do you take your trigger shot? So excited for you!

[purple]

Mar 22, 2018 3:30:44 GMT -6 sammysam said:

This is going to sound weird...did anyone have a feeling before their loss that they were going to lose their pregnancy? I kept dreaming about blood leading up to my US where things started looking bad...so I was expecting things to go wrong and wasn't really too surprised when they said things wern't looking good. If that makes sense. But now I feel like I'm putting too much stock in dreams. I keep dreaming of pregnant people (presumably me but not actually me) in dreams where things go wrong with the mother. And now it's freaking me out. I'm not sure if it's just some form of PTSD from the hemorrhage or what. But now part of me is super worried that if we get pregnant again something bad is going to happen to me.

If you're insane, I am too. My pregnancy with Gracie was so different from my pregnancy with L. I kept trying to put it down to the fact that L was only ten months old, and she wasn't sleeping so neither was I. And of course every pregnancy is different. But even after we saw the heartbeat I thought something wasn't right. So I wasn't at all surprised when we found out we'd lost her / him. And I still dream about floods of blood sometimes.

As for the twins, that pregnancy started strangely because my surprise bfp was the day before we went to Italy for a fortnight. We were literally between houses, all our stuff was in storage. So I couldn't start testing my blood sugar straight away. (I'm type II diabetic but very well controlled outwith pregnancy, and I don't need to check my blood sugar regularly. That changes when I'm pregnant.) So although I definitely had pregnancy symptoms and felt pregnant, it felt a bit unreal. Then we came back from Italy, moved into the new house, and then I had my first scan, on my fortieth birthday. And we found out that it was twins and there were complications. Although H was hopeful, I just felt I was playing a waiting game after that until I actually lost them thirteen days later.

With each chemical pregnancy, I've had pregnancy symptoms very early and I've been hopeful.

This probably hasn't helped much, unless it's to reassure you that you're not the only crazy person. I don’t know whether the traumatic loss with haemorrhage and surgery is a contributory factor.

[sammysam]

Thanks purple . It helps knowing I'm not the only one. I tried explaining it to SO but he doesn't get it.

[purple]

sammysam, that's why I ended up coming back to HIH. My husband is very supportive and he doesn't get it all. My bmb went to a private board and they're lovely, and a lot of people have fallen pregnant within a few weeks of ttc. So they don't always get it. So here I am.

[wildhoney]

How are you doing? I’m feeling pretty anxious about testing on Saturday.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent ) : I find that during the beginning of my cycle, I feel really hopeful and feel okay emotionally. During the TWW, I feel anxious and the closer it gets to testing time, the more I start thinking about my previous losses. I’m just a nervous wreck right now. I want to see a positive, but what if all happens again? How can I deal with this a third time?

[wildhoney]

charliefox I’m excited for you! Is this the first trigger shot you have done?

purple I’m so sorry about the emotions you are feeling due to the anniversary. I also feel like I can’t really talk to my H about it all. The innocence that is lost after going through a loss is one of the hardest things. Sending so many hugs to you.

sammysam No, I don’t think you are insane at all. I think reading into dreams is something we all do. I hope your dreams will change to something peaceful. It’s not fair how loss even haunts in our sleep. We just can’t get a break. I had a really bad feeling about my second pregnancy. I didn’t have bad dreams, but I just felt like it wouldn’t happen because it was too good to be true that I was pregnant so quickly after.

[Yogurt]

Mar 22, 2018 3:30:44 GMT -6 sammysam said:

This is going to sound weird...did anyone have a feeling before their loss that they were going to lose their pregnancy? I kept dreaming about blood leading up to my US where things started looking bad...so I was expecting things to go wrong and wasn't really too surprised when they said things wern't looking good. If that makes sense. But now I feel like I'm putting too much stock in dreams. I keep dreaming of pregnant people (presumably me but not actually me) in dreams where things go wrong with the mother. And now it's freaking me out. I'm not sure if it's just some form of PTSD from the hemorrhage or what. But now part of me is super worried that if we get pregnant again something bad is going to happen to me. Am I being completely insane?

Honestly, no. Just like it never crossed my mind I'd struggle to get pregnant (because I got pregnant easily the first time), once I got the bfp, I had the normal worries of any pregnant woman (not pgal), but I did not think I'd lose it.

When I saw all the blood I was fucking shocked. Like I couldn't fucking believe it.

[charliefox]

wildhoney, yep - first trigger shot!

sammysam, I wouldn't put much stock in dreams, mostly I think they're just our minds running a little crazy. I tend to be pretty pessimistic/worrisome so my MCs weren't ever super shocking. Personally, I would think it was your thinking things might go wrong that spurred the dreams, not the other way around. Just my 2 cents

[sammysam]

Thanks charliefox that makes so much sense. I think I just needed to hear it from someone who has been through it so this helps so much!

[sammysam]

Possibly a dumb question...I was supposed to have a pap after I delivered (I was overdue for one) but then of course had the loss. They did pathology on the tissue from my d&c so does that count? Like would it technically be testing for the same thing or do I still need to get a pap done? Really not feeling like having people poke around down there again if not completely necessary.

[charliefox]

Mar 25, 2018 12:29:55 GMT -6 sammysam said:

Possibly a dumb question...I was supposed to have a pap after I delivered (I was overdue for one) but then of course had the loss. They did pathology on the tissue from my d&c so does that count? Like would it technically be testing for the same thing or do I still need to get a pap done? Really not feeling like having people poke around down there again if not completely necessary.

I can't imagine how your d&c testing would have anything to do with a pap. During a pap they swab your cervix to check for cell abnormalities (as I understand it) that have to due with cervical cancer, whereas the pathology they did on the tissue would be checking for genetic abnormalities within that tissue specifically.  

I'm in the same boat, I am due for a pap and my midwife was going to schedule it to happen during one of my regular pregnancy appointments but then that ended and I'm really not feeling up to going back to my midwife if I'm not pregnant. 

[remi]

Mar 25, 2018 12:29:55 GMT -6 sammysam said:

Possibly a dumb question...I was supposed to have a pap after I delivered (I was overdue for one) but then of course had the loss. They did pathology on the tissue from my d&c so does that count? Like would it technically be testing for the same thing or do I still need to get a pap done? Really not feeling like having people poke around down there again if not completely necessary.

How overdue for it are you? Most GYN providers follow the new guideline that women only need a pap every 3-5 years. Especially if you’re not changing sexual partners.

[sammysam]

Thanks charliefox . I thought it was a bit of a stetch but they never told me exactly what samples they collected and tested. I was kind of hoping that since they were right there they might have collected a same from the cervix to see if there was some abnormality that caused the hemorrhage. Blah. I hate paps.

[sammysam]

remi they told me at one of my prenatal appointments that my last one was 6 years ago...which seems crazy...so now it's probably closer to 7. I'm super overdue. I should just schedule it and get it over with.

[remi]

Mar 25, 2018 20:30:15 GMT -6 sammysam said:

remi they told me at one of my prenatal appointments that my last one was 6 years ago...which seems crazy...so now it's probably closer to 7. I'm super overdue. I should just schedule it and get it over with.

Yea I would just schedule it and get it over with.