Parenting Guilt about Loss

[purple]

Hi. I guess right here on this board is where I am most likely to find people who will understand.

L is two years and eight months old, bright, articulate, and very affectionate. And I am often wracked with guilt about how much our losses have affected her. My mum was seriously depressed for most of my childhood and it definitely had a negative impact on me, so I am aware that I'm over sensitive about this. But I also know that I've been depressed and physically unwell for most of my child's life (counting mild post partum depression and a difficult recovery from pregnancy). So she's never really had a fully healthy mother.

And yet, at this stage, I would feel even more guilty if we stopped trying to give her a sibling. I grew up an only child and I definitely don't want that for her. If it happens, so be it, but I don't feel ready to say that's it yet.

There isn't really a purpose for this post, I suppose. Except Aarrgghh! Why is nothing ever easy?

[oldbaylover1024]

You are an amazing mom and have given your child love and support. That makes you a wonderful parent. The fact that you wrote the post above shows how much you love her.

PAL is really tough. The 'what ifs' and worries about the future are really, really hard to deal with. Add PPD and a difficult recovery and that adds to the stress of new parenting and future planning. I'm sorry you dealt with PPD. I did, too. My son just turned one and I am still dealing with a lot (A LOT) of PPD/A. If you ever want to talk or vent, you can PM any time.

I'm sorry you're struggling with guilt. I won't tell you to not feel guilty because those feelings won't just go away. BUT I will say that depression/anxiety can make negative feelings so much harder to deal with. Have you talked to your OBGYN about the PPD/A/depression in general? It's a tough thing to face, but it may be a first step in your journey to feeling healthier, both mentally and physically.

{{hugs}}

[hawkward]

I understand how you feel. I had similar feelings about DS1 when he was that age and before DS2. I wish I had better advice, but the only thing that has helped me is time.

If it helps, DS1 is almost 7 now, and he barely remembers “the time when Mom was sad.”

[purple]

oldbaylover1024, hawkward, thank you so much. Both your posts are very helpful. Hawkward, it's reassuring both that time heals, and that your son barely remembers.

I've asked several times about support for depression, both PPD and more recently. I've been constantly depressed since my first loss in May 2016 as every time I dare to think things might be getting back on track I have another loss. Unfortunately, my area is shockingly bad and there is nothing unless I travel to the big city. More than two hours' travel each way is just not an option. So no counselling or therapy for me. This is something I feel very strongly about and in the medium to long term I hope to set up some kind of peer support group. But I still don't have the emotional energy for that.

[hawkward]

purple, I live in an area with inadequate services too. Fortunately we have a very good PCP, but if we need anything specialized, we are likely driving to the city over an hour away.

Have you considered online counseling? There are several organizations that offer it via facetime or skype type programs.