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Post by charlotte on Feb 9, 2018 15:41:31 GMT -6
I think it is fine to say no. But I think if you know you’re protective about your DD sleeping over at friends’ homes, it would be nice to try to improve the issue with your dog so that she may invite them to sleep at her house instead. (I might have misunderstood the comment about the dog.. if so, sorry)
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Post by lifesaverz on Feb 9, 2018 15:45:16 GMT -6
Due to all I’ve heard in my line of work I’m extra cautious about these things too.
And to the PP that asked would you feel the same if it was an adult daughter, I get it, I really do. And I hope I would be equally cautious of any adult, male or female. But I still think it’s not wrong to acknowledge that percentage wise if something were to happen, it’s more often a guy. It doesn’t mean all guys should be suspected, but I also can’t deny that fact. People just have to do what they think is best for their kid.
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Tlex
Ruby
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Post by Tlex on Feb 9, 2018 15:46:13 GMT -6
Ok I'm at a bit of a loss for the words I want and obviously I project on this issue but... there's nothing, NOTHING crazy here about being hesitant to have your child sleep at a home with adults you've never met present.
Period. It's not crazy. It's prudent.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 15:46:46 GMT -6
My mom was always super strict about sleepovers and I hated it as a kid, but now as I parent, I totally get it.
I would say no and not feel bad. If you’re not comfortable that’s reason enough.
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ripper
Opal
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Post by ripper on Feb 9, 2018 15:47:43 GMT -6
MH and I let each other make the other a scapegoat in a situation like this. I would say "sorry, MH has really strong feelings about not letting our girls have sleepovers in homes where an adult male lives that isn't the father figure he knows well. It's nothing against your son as we obviously don't even know him! But MH draws a hard line here and I just go with it. It's his thing and I have my own, you know how it is. We'd love to host sleepovers here instead if you're comfortable with that!" no, this is too much explanation and makes you sound like a douche. People should just say no (and offer to host in their own home, if possible, to smooth the whole thing over). I feel sorry for the adult male. I get wanting to meet the people in the house, but to say it like that ^^^^, just no.
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Post by bugglesbee on Feb 9, 2018 15:48:15 GMT -6
I think it is fine to say no. But I think if you know you’re protective about your DD sleeping over at friends’ homes, it would be nice to try to improve the issue with your dog so that she may invite them to sleep at her house instead. (I might have misunderstood the comment about the dog.. if so, sorry) No, you are right. I think I could host it, the dog just adds a bit of complication. I replied no, and enthusiastically offered play dates instead.
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Post by charlotte on Feb 9, 2018 15:48:51 GMT -6
+1 I would simply state you’re not comfortable with that right now if you feel you need to explain. I would not highlight their son’s presence as a reason why.
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ripper
Opal
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Post by ripper on Feb 9, 2018 15:49:37 GMT -6
I have to say I do not look forward to approaching this topic with my own kids as my nearly 7-year-old daughter already asked about having sleepovers. I just honestly don’t see any reason why she has to be sleeping over at someone else’s house when she can spend time with her friends and still sleep at home. Sleepovers were the thing when I was a kid. I have so many good memories and I always felt bad for the 1 or 2 girls who were NEVER allowed, even when we were older (early teens).
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Cher
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Post by Cher on Feb 9, 2018 15:52:06 GMT -6
I mean, it’s every parent’s own judgment call. If you’re not going to let her, you say no. No further explanation required. My mom used to veto sleepovers all the time. I have no idea why. She would say “not tonight”, I would beg, she would say no. It’s probably better not to give her a reason to take back to her BFF who would take it back to her parents.
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Post by cdnfroggy on Feb 9, 2018 15:53:02 GMT -6
I never said it was a bad thing to be hesitant, I just think it's important to understand exactly what makes you hesitant and if it is a valid concern.
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Tlex
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Post by Tlex on Feb 9, 2018 15:54:49 GMT -6
MH and I let each other make the other a scapegoat in a situation like this. I would say "sorry, MH has really strong feelings about not letting our girls have sleepovers in homes where an adult male lives that isn't the father figure he knows well. It's nothing against your son as we obviously don't even know him! But MH draws a hard line here and I just go with it. It's his thing and I have my own, you know how it is. We'd love to host sleepovers here instead if you're comfortable with that!" no, this is too much explanation and makes you sound like a douche. People should just say no (and offer to host in their own home, if possible, to smooth the whole thing over). I feel sorry for the adult male. I get wanting to meet the people in the house, but to say it like that ^^^^, just no. I concede that it's probably a situation where the less explanation offered the better. I guess I just try to arm myself for those people who needle and ask for more to lessen my anxiety before the conversation goes down.
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Cher
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Post by Cher on Feb 9, 2018 15:57:03 GMT -6
There was definitely a time when sleepovers were the epicenter of my social scene. Telling secrets and quietly playing Jagged Little Pill (so their parents didn’t hear “are you thinking of me when you fuck her”) was the highlight of my childhood. I understand the desire to keep my kids sleeping in my house every night for the rest of their lives, but I also know that at some point I have to bite the bullet and let them hit the sleepover scene.
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Post by lifesaverz on Feb 9, 2018 15:57:29 GMT -6
+1 I would simply state you’re not comfortable with that right now if you feel you need to explain. I would not highlight their son’s presence as a reason why. Yeah initially I liked Tlex’s idea, but after some thought I think if I mentioned anything I would keep it more general, like “we don’t feel comfortable with sleepovers unless we know everyone in the family” kind of thing.
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brux
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Post by brux on Feb 9, 2018 15:58:11 GMT -6
The only friend's house I wasn't allowed to sleepover at was Crystal's. My mom just kept saying no.
As a kid, I guessed at why she was saying no, and I probably should've kept quiet about how cool it would be to have her mom's female "roommate" drive us to the amusement park in the bed of her pickup truck.
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Post by hedgeday on Feb 9, 2018 15:58:14 GMT -6
Honestly I don’t know when I’d ever feel comfortable, and my son is 7. Luckily it’s not really a thing in his group of friends yet, but they have started talking about it. Can you offer to do sleepover at your house? If you're willing and able, obviously.
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Tlex
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Post by Tlex on Feb 9, 2018 15:59:56 GMT -6
There was definitely a time when sleepovers were the epicenter of my social scene. Telling secrets and quietly playing Jagged Little Pill (so their parents didn’t hear “are you thinking of me when you fuck her”) was the highlight of my childhood. I understand the desire to keep my kids sleeping in my house every night for the rest of their lives, but I also know that at some point I have to bite the bullet and let them hit the sleepover scene. Same for sure but I do wonder if this will change a bit as the culture of parenting in general shifts.
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Post by lifesaverz on Feb 9, 2018 16:00:41 GMT -6
I loved sleepovers as a kid, but my parents always knew the family. There was never a situation where they hadn’t met one of the family members.
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emma
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Post by emma on Feb 9, 2018 16:01:14 GMT -6
I can never quite pinpoint why these conversations always make me feel some kind of uncomfortable way. Like i want to defend my male child and would hate that his presence in the house would prevent a sleepover
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 16:01:21 GMT -6
I do not know what age I’ll be comfortable. I only had sleepovers with my bff (parents close friend of mom, same apartment complex) and my cousins. No school friends.
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Post by bugglesbee on Feb 9, 2018 16:02:44 GMT -6
I just told the mom I wasn’t comfortable, she wasn’t sure about it either, so all is fine. I am hosting a play date tomorrow and DD is currently cleaning her room. A happy ending!
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brux
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Post by brux on Feb 9, 2018 16:05:15 GMT -6
I'm going to be the creepy mom offering to have kids sleep over all willy nilly.
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Cher
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Post by Cher on Feb 9, 2018 16:05:28 GMT -6
I can never quite pinpoint why these conversations always make me feel some kind of uncomfortable way. Like i want to defend my male child and would hate that his presence in the house would prevent a sleepover Exactly why it’s better to not give a reason. Regardless if you say no offense, saying I don’t know everyone in your family or you have a son, etc. will definitely cause people to get defensive.
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Post by bugglesbee on Feb 9, 2018 16:08:12 GMT -6
I can never quite pinpoint why these conversations always make me feel some kind of uncomfortable way. Like i want to defend my male child and would hate that his presence in the house would prevent a sleepover I also have son, so I get this. It’s not so much about gender, it’s just knowing who will be around. A sleepover feels very intimate, if that’s the right word, it’s a big leap in trust. I would be just as strict, if it was my son. He is older, but he has not had a sleepover yet at all.
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adelbert
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Post by adelbert on Feb 9, 2018 16:09:11 GMT -6
There was definitely a time when sleepovers were the epicenter of my social scene. Telling secrets and quietly playing Jagged Little Pill (so their parents didn’t hear “are you thinking of me when you fuck her”) was the highlight of my childhood. I understand the desire to keep my kids sleeping in my house every night for the rest of their lives, but I also know that at some point I have to bite the bullet and let them hit the sleepover scene. Same for sure but I do wonder if this will change a bit as the culture of parenting in general shifts. My almost 8 year old is super into sleepovers. He and his friends love doing them and this year all he wants for his birthday is a sleepover party. It totally reminds me of my childhood and I think it's super cute. But it drives me crazy when they don't go to sleep. That also hasn't changed.
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Post by charlotte on Feb 9, 2018 16:11:28 GMT -6
I can never quite pinpoint why these conversations always make me feel some kind of uncomfortable way. Like i want to defend my male child and would hate that his presence in the house would prevent a sleepover This is sort of an odd thing I think. Someone can say they are not comfortable having their kid around older siblings of the opposite sex without condemning your own child as a predator. Logically, it makes sense. I understand this line of thinking perfectly even if I am not sure I feel exactly the same. WTBS, I think if a mother were caught off guard by OP saying this (& I know IRL OP already resolved the situation) she may react defensively in the moment, potentially doing some damage to the relationship. Yeah he is an adult of the opposite sex, but that is their family & their home... easy things to feel very defensive about.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 16:11:34 GMT -6
I'm going to move into a smaller house to avoid sleepovers.
Kidding. Kind of.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2018 16:12:16 GMT -6
I think "I must know all people in the home well" is a pretty reasonable rule for approving a sleepover.
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Post by Sweetjane on Feb 9, 2018 16:14:03 GMT -6
A group was having this exact conversation last night and we all have daughters. Several people said they will never let their girls sleepover in a house where there are older brothers living. They were not comfortable with that level of risk and potential for the brothers to have friends over too. This was the first time I'd heard this line of thinking, I admit inside I was nodding in agreement. We have our own history and experiences that color our thought process so I know that is a factor, it's not always personal against the other party.
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Post by charlotte on Feb 9, 2018 16:14:16 GMT -6
I was just thinking now is as good a time as any for your daughter to learn that you will not always make the same decisions/rules regarding different friends. I imagine this will be super relevant during the adolescent years.
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Post by icedcoffee on Feb 9, 2018 16:15:15 GMT -6
The thought of having to deal with sleepovers with my kids soon just makes me feel super uncomfortable. I'm pretty breezy in a lot of ways, but I get super paranoid thinking about all the things that can go wrong in a sleepover situation. So I'm on team go with your gut. If something about it makes you uncomfortable, then say no. Your kid will survive. And maybe down the line you will feel more comfortable and be okay with the sleepover. Can you offer to just pick up later so they get lots of playing time but still are home to sleep?
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