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Post by hufflepug on Feb 7, 2018 17:28:57 GMT -6
This is probably a dumb thing to ask for hair pats for, but here it goes anyway:
I feel like I am failing in all aspects of my life.
My husband and I fight constantly and I feel like my marriage is falling apart around me.
My child will not sleep at night or eat like a normal human. I feel like I'm failing at teaching her things that seem to come so easily to everyone else. Like, why I am the only person with a freaking 17 month old who won't sleep? What am I doing wrong? I can't even drop her off at daycare without a giant meltdown every.single.morning.
I feel like I am constantly being told I suck at my job. I have been there since August and have not had one positive thing said to me. I was observed again today and the admin requested a meeting to discuss it, which I don't think is standard practice so I'm sure I'm in for another fun chat on Friday. On top of being shit at my job, I'm always broke which feels great too. This is my fourth year teaching this grade level(obviously different schools/admins) and I've never had these kinds of negative comments ever.
It just feels like everything comes so much more easily to everyone around me and I am constantly swimming upstream in everything I do and I'm exhausted and wishing my days away because I'm miserable. I am struggling to come up with one single thing I'm doing well lately. I don't feel like I can talk to my H about any of this, BFF just had a baby and I don't want to bug her. I don't even have a friend at work to bitch to when things are going badly. I feel alone and disconnected from my own life. Half the time I walk around in a daze feeling like a zombie. I want to retreat to my bed and never come out again.
Anyway. Thanks for reading. I don't know what I'm asking for here. Advice, hair pats, anything is welcome.
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Post by flippinchica on Feb 7, 2018 17:42:13 GMT -6
I'm sorry everything is coming at you af once. Lack of sleep makes everything else harder and seem worse as well so I would tackle that first. I would look at some child sleep books, Weisbluth, sleep lady shuffle and such and make a plan and stick to it. Then tackle other issues.
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Post by angelashly on Feb 7, 2018 17:48:10 GMT -6
I'm sorry everything is coming at you af once. Lack of sleep makes everything else harder and seem worse as well so I would tackle that first. I would look at some child sleep books, Weisbluth, sleep lady shuffle and such and make a plan and stick to it. Then tackle other issues. This. Sleep will help with other things so start there and try and give yourself a break
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 17:50:03 GMT -6
First, hugs.
Next, I promise you're not alone. It's so hard to see when you're in the thick of things, but you're comparing your worst to other people's highlight reel. Lots of people just don't talk about their kids not sleeping, their marital issues, struggles at work.
If it helps, I have friends whose daughter didn't sleep through the night til she was 5, acquaintances whose son eats NOTHING but mac and cheese and chicken fingers for every meal at age 7, and i learned a few weeks ago that my step brother used a pacifier til he was 14.
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Post by bellatrix on Feb 7, 2018 17:50:08 GMT -6
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Post by goldenbird on Feb 7, 2018 17:51:53 GMT -6
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Post by lucilleaustero on Feb 7, 2018 17:54:40 GMT -6
First, hugs and hair pats.
Second, you are not failing. Fail is a harsh and strong word. Sometimes we stumble. Sometimes we stumble a lot. But, that does not mean we are failing.
Are you taking any time for you? Self care is crucial and it is usually the first thing we neglect to do when overwhelmed.
As for parenting. This shit can be hard. There is no rule book and some kids can be more challenging. Do you and your DH split parenting responsibilities?
Do you and your husband go on dates? My husband and I went through a 15 month rough patch. We did not have sex for a full year. We fought all the time. We decided, even when we were so mad at each other, to start going on dates, to hold hands, to have sex. It took effort, but it got us back on track.
I am sorry you are in such a rut, but you can come out of it.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 17:57:05 GMT -6
Hugs. Give yourself some grace. Not sleeping well will mess with every single aspect of your life.
Would YH be willing to let you get away for a weekend to go to a hotel and catch up on sleep? And then start fresh and a little bit better rested and start working on DD's sleep?
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Post by hufflepug on Feb 7, 2018 17:59:26 GMT -6
I'm sorry everything is coming at you af once. Lack of sleep makes everything else harder and seem worse as well so I would tackle that first. I would look at some child sleep books, Weisbluth, sleep lady shuffle and such and make a plan and stick to it. Then tackle other issues. We have read the books and tried all the plans. We've consulted multiple doctors. Everything brings a little success. 6 months ago she was up every hour. Now we get 2 or so wake ups a night. The consensus has been she's just a shitty sleeper.
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Post by ArielMermaid on Feb 7, 2018 18:00:47 GMT -6
I’m here to comiserate with the non sleeping child. My DD didn’t come close to sleeping through the night until she was over 18 months old. It was long and hideous and I’m so sorry you are there too. I felt very similar to how you are feeling now and I think it was a mix of not sleeping and an undiagnosed case of PPD. As soon as she started sleeping life changed. If you can figure out a way to sleep train her, do it.
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Post by hufflepug on Feb 7, 2018 18:01:57 GMT -6
First, hugs and hair pats. Second, you are not failing. Fail is a harsh and strong word. Sometimes we stumble. Sometimes we stumble a lot. But, that does not mean we are failing. Are you taking any time for you? Self care is crucial and it is usually the first thing we neglect to do when overwhelmed. As for parenting. This shit can be hard. There is no rule book and some kids can be more challenging. Do you and your DH split parenting responsibilities? Do you and your husband go on dates? My husband and I went through a 15 month rough patch. We did not have sex for a full year. We fought all the time. We decided, even when we were so mad at each other, to start going on dates, to hold hands, to have sex. It took effort, but it got us back on track. I am sorry you are in such a rut, but you can come out of it. We try to do dates. See: being broke. We have a budget and we're working on it, we're just getting crushed by student loans. I should get some loan forgiveness there this summer so there's a glimmer of light at the end of that tunnel. It has been.....a very long time since we've had sex. It just feels like one more thing I have to do and by not doing it, one more thing I'm doing badly. Vicious circle.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 18:02:39 GMT -6
Hugs. Like PPs have said, sleep deprivation is a big factor. I’m dealing with that myself and feel out of control, just going through the motions most days as well. Others have given good advice, I hope things start to feel better soon.
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Post by ArielMermaid on Feb 7, 2018 18:03:23 GMT -6
I'm sorry everything is coming at you af once. Lack of sleep makes everything else harder and seem worse as well so I would tackle that first. I would look at some child sleep books, Weisbluth, sleep lady shuffle and such and make a plan and stick to it. Then tackle other issues. We have read the books and tried all the plans. We've consulted multiple doctors. Everything brings a little success. 6 months ago she was up every hour. Now we get 2 or so wake ups a night. The consensus has been she's just a shitty sleeper. So, this is fucked but what finally made my kid sleep. We tried only sending my husband in at night when she woke up. We figured out she wanted me and once I was off the table she gave up. I don’t know what your situation is, and I know this isn’t traditional sleep training but it worked for us.
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Post by hufflepug on Feb 7, 2018 18:06:38 GMT -6
We have read the books and tried all the plans. We've consulted multiple doctors. Everything brings a little success. 6 months ago she was up every hour. Now we get 2 or so wake ups a night. The consensus has been she's just a shitty sleeper. So, this is fucked but what finally made my kid sleep. We tried only sending my husband in at night when she woke up. We figured out she wanted me and once I was off the table she gave up. I don’t know what your situation is, and I know this isn’t traditional sleep training but it worked for us. This has been most successful for us. It's more like we make progress, and then have some setback (moving, sickness, teething, time changes, etc) and have to start all over again and the things that had been working don't work anymore.
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hawkward
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Post by hawkward on Feb 7, 2018 18:12:09 GMT -6
((Hugs)). First, you're not failing. You're seeing everyone else through the filter we present to the world. Trust me, it's not just you while everyone else has it together. DS1 was an absolute shit sleeper. He definitely wasn't sleeping through the night at 17 months. Like your daughter (IIRC) he had some health issues that made us establish bad habits, and then we had a hard time breaking the cycle too. It was frustrating and depressing and made everything else in my life feel awful. And to be honest, the only thing that helped was time. She will sleep. I promise. In the meantime, do what you have to do to survive. For us, we coslept until we had a break and could just focus on establishing good habits. It wasn't the best solution, but it got us through. H and I had to do similar to lucilleaustero to get back on track too.
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hawkward
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Post by hawkward on Feb 7, 2018 18:14:48 GMT -6
First, hugs and hair pats. Second, you are not failing. Fail is a harsh and strong word. Sometimes we stumble. Sometimes we stumble a lot. But, that does not mean we are failing. Are you taking any time for you? Self care is crucial and it is usually the first thing we neglect to do when overwhelmed. As for parenting. This shit can be hard. There is no rule book and some kids can be more challenging. Do you and your DH split parenting responsibilities? Do you and your husband go on dates? My husband and I went through a 15 month rough patch. We did not have sex for a full year. We fought all the time. We decided, even when we were so mad at each other, to start going on dates, to hold hands, to have sex. It took effort, but it got us back on track. I am sorry you are in such a rut, but you can come out of it. We try to do dates. See: being broke. We have a budget and we're working on it, we're just getting crushed by student loans. I should get some loan forgiveness there this summer so there's a glimmer of light at the end of that tunnel. It has been.....a very long time since we've had sex. It just feels like one more thing I have to do and by not doing it, one more thing I'm doing badly. Vicious circle. We "date in" a lot to save money. We cook something "fancier" than we normally would, put the kids to bed a little early, and then eat dinner on the couch in our pajamas and watch a movie together. Sometimes we talk and sometimes we just sit together.
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justbecause
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Post by justbecause on Feb 7, 2018 18:15:08 GMT -6
Hugs. H and I were a mess after we had ds2, who was a terrible sleeper until age 2.
Lack of sleep really creeps in to all facets of life.
Therapy can help. Budgeting is always a smart move. Date nights don’t have to be $$. Get a game out and play after LO goes to sleep. Make a new recipe together. Red box a movie and make you favorite snacks.
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Post by ArielMermaid on Feb 7, 2018 18:15:54 GMT -6
hufflepug ugh. Yes all the fun set backs. It seemed like every time she got close to sleeping through she got sick or got a tooth. I’m just sorry. It sucks.
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joy
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Post by joy on Feb 7, 2018 18:16:05 GMT -6
::hugs::
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Post by hufflepug on Feb 7, 2018 18:18:46 GMT -6
I think a big part of the issue is that I solo parent from bedtime Sunday until after work Friday. My H has his own set of issues that I've discussed here some before. He has weird sleep issues and is in bed very early most nights, so we can't even hang out and talk after she's in bed. It's me and her all week and sometimes I love what that's done for our bond and sometimes I just want a fucking break or to have something that feels like what normal people do.
It also doesn't help that BFF and I have girls very close in age (like, a week apart) which makes it hard not to compare.
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gussie
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Post by gussie on Feb 7, 2018 18:23:06 GMT -6
Huge hugs. I know when I'm not getting sleep, all other parts of my life quickly go downhill. I can't imagine what 17 months of no sleeping would do to me. You are not failing. Parenting is hard. Marriage is hard. Careers are hard. And everyone else doesn't have it all together, they are just showing you the best parts of themselves. I have felt like you so many times in the last 5 years, this life is tough sometimes.
Can you carve out some time for yourself? Get a nap, or a massage or wander around target for a few hours? MH and I do date night in sometimes when we don't have a babysitter. I know it might be hard if your kid doesn't sleep, though. Do you have any family you could talk to or hang out with? Or that could take your DD for the night? I would give your BFF a call too, maybe she needs to have a bitch session if she has a newborn and you guys can trade stories.
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Post by hufflepug on Feb 7, 2018 18:27:30 GMT -6
Huge hugs. I know when I'm not getting sleep, all other parts of my life quickly go downhill. I can't imagine what 17 months of no sleeping would do to me. You are not failing. Parenting is hard. Marriage is hard. Careers are hard. And everyone else doesn't have it all together, they are just showing you the best parts of themselves. I have felt like you so many times in the last 5 years, this life is tough sometimes. Can you carve out some time for yourself? Get a nap, or a massage or wander around target for a few hours? MH and I do date night in sometimes when we don't have a babysitter. I know it might be hard if your kid doesn't sleep, though. Do you have any family you could talk to or hang out with? Or that could take your DD for the night? I would give your BFF a call too, maybe she needs to have a bitch session if she has a newborn and you guys can trade stories. I know if I talked to my parents about any of this, they would swoop in and save the day. Money, help, whatever. And I know BFF would make time for me too. I just feel so much...idk shame? about so much of this. I feel ashamed that I'm struggling to make my marriage work and that I'm struggling in my job, especially considering my parents paid a shitton of money so I could get the degree to get the job.
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gussie
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Post by gussie on Feb 7, 2018 18:27:42 GMT -6
hufflepug, it's so hard to not compare. My cousin had a baby 2 months after my DD2 and she seems like she is doing everything before my DD. But even my own kids are so different from each other and I raised them all the same, so I know it has nothing to do with me. They are tiny little people who have their own personalities, there are some things we have no control over.
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Post by Uncaripswife on Feb 7, 2018 18:28:44 GMT -6
I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. FWIW, I was feeling very similarly a year ago. Hugs, friend.
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gussie
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Post by gussie on Feb 7, 2018 18:30:39 GMT -6
Huge hugs. I know when I'm not getting sleep, all other parts of my life quickly go downhill. I can't imagine what 17 months of no sleeping would do to me. You are not failing. Parenting is hard. Marriage is hard. Careers are hard. And everyone else doesn't have it all together, they are just showing you the best parts of themselves. I have felt like you so many times in the last 5 years, this life is tough sometimes. Can you carve out some time for yourself? Get a nap, or a massage or wander around target for a few hours? MH and I do date night in sometimes when we don't have a babysitter. I know it might be hard if your kid doesn't sleep, though. Do you have any family you could talk to or hang out with? Or that could take your DD for the night? I would give your BFF a call too, maybe she needs to have a bitch session if she has a newborn and you guys can trade stories. I know if I talked to my parents about any of this, they would swoop in and save the day. Money, help, whatever. And I know BFF would make time for me too. I just feel so much...idk shame? about so much of this. I feel ashamed that I'm struggling to make my marriage work and that I'm struggling in my job, especially considering my parents paid a shitton of money so I could get the degree to get the job. I know, I hate asking for help too. You have to do what is best for you, but I don't think you should ever feel ashamed if you need help. Sometimes, I call my mom to just unload about stuff, and part of me feels like i shouldn't, but part of me feels like I'll explode if I don't have someone to talk to. Your parents sound like wonderful people that love you unconditionally.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 18:33:29 GMT -6
Oh man. I hate that you’re feeling like this. Please know that you are not alone and you can always talk to us about this stuff. That’s what we do around here!
17 months is a tough, tough age. You are still in the things are rapidly changing with your child phase and it’s just hard to feel confident parenting that age.
You are not a failure. You’re just going through a rough patch. Be kind to yourself and celebrate the little wins.
Hugs.
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Post by hufflepug on Feb 7, 2018 18:33:40 GMT -6
I think a big part of the issue is that I solo parent from bedtime Sunday until after work Friday. My H has his own set of issues that I've discussed here some before. He has weird sleep issues and is in bed very early most nights, so we can't even hang out and talk after she's in bed. It's me and her all week and sometimes I love what that's done for our bond and sometimes I just want a fucking break or to have something that feels like what normal people do. It also doesn't help that BFF and I have girls very close in age (like, a week apart) which makes it hard not to compare. I don’t know what his weird sleep issues are but dude needs to be s partner to you in the evening parenting if he’s home & physically capable otherwise. Is he going to bed so early as an avoidance tactic? Because wtf to basically dumping it all on you? What is HE doing to contribute here? He struggles with anxiety and depression exacerbated by lack of sleep. And he's an insomniac. He gets up at 3:30am to run before work, so I'm ok with the early bedtime. He takes more duties on weekends. ETA he won't seek treatment for above issues. His refusal to do so and therefore his general demeanor this days are the crux of our issues and, should our marriage fully unravel, this will 100% be the cause.
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gussie
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Post by gussie on Feb 7, 2018 18:42:33 GMT -6
I just want to let you know also that my DD1 completely fell apart at 16 months and wouldn't sleep at all for like 2 months. I think it was mostly teeth, a time change was in there, and probably a mental leap. So hopefully that age may be part of your issues and once she gets over that hurdle, she will start sleeping more.
And I'm sorry about YH's issues, hopefully you can get him to understand that it is affecting you as well and it would be beneficial to both of you if he seeks help. It's not fair at all to put the entire load on you 5 days a week. I can't imagine working full time, coming home and parenting full time, then not getting any sleep at night. No one can do that.
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rvasc
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Post by rvasc on Feb 7, 2018 18:43:44 GMT -6
❤️❤️❤️ I have more to say but not enough time right now and couldn’t read without responding.
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Post by charlotte on Feb 7, 2018 18:44:17 GMT -6
“It just feels like everything comes so much more easily to everyone around me...” When I read this part of your post I thought of this drawing I saw yesterday (the artist’s name is in the pic, her Insta has more). You are not alone and you’re not the only one struggling, but I know it feels that way. I am sorry things are so hard right now.
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