How sure were you?

[100poppies]

Hi! I don’t go here, but I’m hoping to ask super personal questions....

I have one boy, 3, and my H and I had always sort of planned on two kids. But we both have felt very unready for a second. Last summer he gave himself permission to be ok with just one kid—instead of just assuming we needed two—and he’s been really relieved and content with that. I’m still very torn. But I’m not sure enough on 2 to sort of have to convince him, if that makes sense. I like our little family, and I like what having only one means in terms of resources and time and personal time (like being able to trade off time with him and have that amazing time entirely by yourself). But I also love the idea of a second child, and think a sibling might be good for our son.

I guess what I’m really asking is: did you ever really know? People are telling me that I’ll know. But I don’t think I KNEW when I married my H, or when we had our first. I was pretty sure. But there was no epiphany.

Will I always second guess having a second until it’s just too late? Is this something I’ll always regret a little bit? My H is convinced that no matter what we do, we’ll tell ourselves it was the right decision and that there’s no “right” answer. He’s so rational.

[Deleted]

Our reason for OAD is mostly medical. I had health complications during and after pregnancy, so stopping at one made sense for both of us. Financially, it's better for us too. I'm able to stay home (or work a part time job now that she's in school) and care for her without the expense of childcare. We'd be completely broke trying to pay for two kids on one income. She'll be 7 this year and neither of us have second guessed our decision.

ETA Welcome! We're a quiet board, but stick around!

[bellatrix]

I thought I wanted 2 kids, then I had DD (5.5) & the desire to have a baby never returned. I've wondered the "what ifs" and thought about what life would be like with another, but I'm content with one. I know my life would change exponentially if we added another child & I don't want that. I'm also 37 and past the age I wanted to have babies. I love all the "perks" of having an only affords us. ☺️

[NamasteBirches]

Being OAD wasn't something that we long decided to be or really thoughtfully planned out. I've always said that once DS was born (he was a preemie & gave us quite a scare from the start), I just never desired another child. Things felt "right" with the three of us & have been for the past 6.5 years. When I look to the future, I only imagine just the 3 of us & can't wait to see how many more great adventures we get to go through together. It feels like things are definitely the way they were supposed to be.
I don't think I'm cut out to be a parent of multiple kids anyways, DS is super demanding & requires a lot of our attention. I couldn't imagine having to take that away from him & splitting it with another kid.

[misspeansmama]

I have always known I only wanted one child, even before DD was born. DH wanted two but then she was born premature and we went through a pretty traumatic experience. It was immediately after her birth that DH decided that he too only wanted one. Having only one affords us the opportunities to do so many things we otherwise wouldn't have the time, money or sanity to do. We feel that our family size is perfect. Neither of us regret our decision. We actually talk about the fact that we are not cut out to parent multiple kids all the time...it usually comes up when we spend any length of time around people with more than one.

Just for reference, I am 37, DH is 39 and DD is 6.

As far as regret goes, my words of advice are think about which regret would be more mentally taxing...the regret of not having a child, or having a child then realizing it wasn't right for you then regretting the decision to have that child. You can't send a kid back where they came from. Your husband may be right that whatever you choose you'll convince yourself it's the right decision. But personally, I know that if I wasn't 100% sure about the choice, there'd always be a little nagging voice in my head planting seeds of regret.

Good luck with your decision. I know it's a major one. Please feel free to stick around here. It's a small and quiet board but we are a close, supportive group.

[100poppies]

Thank you all. I think what I’m really a struggling with is that it is a pure choice. It’s not about being able to afford another, or my health, or terrible pregnancies. I was/am lucky with all that. I feel like it’s just coming down to feeling slightly selfish about our time and resources. Which sounds far more negative than I mean it to. But thank you for sharing all your experiences.

[bellatrix]

Feb 6, 2018 9:08:02 GMT -6 100poppies said:

Thank you all. I think what I’m really a struggling with is that it is a pure choice. It’s not about being able to afford another, or my health, or terrible pregnancies. I was/am lucky with all that. I feel like it’s just coming down to feeling slightly selfish about our time and resources. Which sounds far more negative than I mean it to. But thank you for sharing all your experiences.

When DD was a baby I got stuck in that mindset about how I was being selfish. It took me awhile to figure out that it was ok to be selfish about my family planning.

[100poppies]

Feb 6, 2018 10:16:12 GMT -6 bellatrix said:

Feb 6, 2018 9:08:02 GMT -6 100poppies said:

Thank you all. I think what I’m really a struggling with is that it is a pure choice. It’s not about being able to afford another, or my health, or terrible pregnancies. I was/am lucky with all that. I feel like it’s just coming down to feeling slightly selfish about our time and resources. Which sounds far more negative than I mean it to. But thank you for sharing all your experiences.

When DD was a baby I got stuck in that mindset about how I was being selfish. It took me awhile to figure out that it was ok to be selfish about my family planning.

That’s probably what I actually needed to hear—thank you!