Rant / Advice please

[adeline]

So my DD is 2.5 + a little bit. She has a cousin, A, who turns 2 in 2 weeks. So they’re about 7 months apart.

DD is going through some tough developmental milestones at the moment. She’s by no means a mean or tough kid, but she’s taken to pushing A (and any kid not just A specifically) in the chest when she wants something or is fighting over a toy etc. It’s not nice and I am trying to stop it.

Problem is - A’s parents, her dad in particular, see DD do anything at all in defense of a toy she has or interacting with A and swoop in and pick A up and segregate them. It’s really hard to teach DD not to snatch a toy or not to push when A gets taken away crying and sulking so DD gets to keep the thing she was pushing her over.

It’s to the point that the last few times we’ve been together, they take A away to play alone with them and DD doesn’t understand what’s happened, just that she doesn’t have her buddy to play any more. Dad even takes A away when she walks up to DD and cries, without any contact.

My mum told me this morning after seeing this that I need to speak more sternly to DD to stop the pushing, so she thinks it’s all my fault. Meanwhile, A bites so hard she leaves bruises up DD’s arms and tackles her to the ground and scratches her face with her nails. So it’s not like it’s always one sided.

Everyone says because DD is bigger she inflicts pain and is too rough. But it’s definitely not one sided all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m mortified whenever DD pushes like that and it’s really not ok.

So questions:
Should I just keep them apart for a few weeks to placate my sister?
Should I do something else to stop the pushing? What?? I’d love to know what to do. It’s awful to see her upset her friends like that.

Thanks, appreciate any wisdom from those of you with a kid already who have been through the ‘sharing’ lessons of life. Damn it’s hard.

And of course because I’m a huge ball of hormones I just lost it today and started crying and just left my family birthday breakfast at my sister’s house. Cool. God I sound 12.

[Speedy]

I can't offer any advice, but I'll wish you luck on getting it resolved.

[budders]

Ugh this age is terrible. You have all of my commiseration and sympathies.

V is very physical, so I know this has come up at daycare a lot, and with H and I, but we all focus on working through it. It’s hard when the other parents are so overprotective that there is no teachable moment to learn from and practice a more appropriate reaction.

One thing that you could do when you see her push, even if the Dad takes A away, is talk about the behavior. “I saw you push A. I know you wanted the toy, but pushing makes A feel sad. Let’s use nice words and ask A for a turn with the toy” or something along those lines. That gives you an opportunity to bring her to A and practice what she can say when she wants a turn and resolve the conflict appropriately. If she refuses (which V will do sometimes when he’s feeling really unruly and stubborn), you could say “I’ll hang on to the toy until you are ready to ask”. That way there is no accidental positive reinforcement of her getting the toy.

We also work a lot on gentle touches, which V gives very freely and is comfortable with. Usually that’s how he rectifies things, with sorry and a hug (if the other person wants it), though I know not all kids are comfortable with that.

[robot]

My DD is also 2.5 and a bit and this age is super tough. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

For me, anything purposefully physical warrants an immediate removal from the situation. So even if they remove A, I would also be removing my DD. I say something like, “Pushing is not okay, this is not what we do to our friends. You need a break to calm down.” I would leave the toy behind obviously and take her to sit quietly in another room, on the stairs, outside, whatever for a minute or 2 then “we can go play again but if you push we’re going to have to take another break.” Maybe this is similar to what you’re already doing, idk. I just know this technique works fairly well for us. As well as anything does at this age!

[numbears]

Ugh you have all my sympathies. Behavior problems are rough.

We have kind of the opposite problem. DS isn't aggressive with other kids. He's normally the one that gets shoved, toys taken from, etc. His teachers taught him to find an adult instead of responding himself when things like that happen.

And like robot said, I actually think removing the kid from a situation is the appropriate response. DS can be aggressive toward adults. When he is, we remove him from the situation, talk about why he was mad and what he did, make him say sorry. It's hard because of that age, but I really think reinforcing that works.

[jessila]

Like numbears, O (2.5) is usually the one on the receiving end but he's the size of a 4yo. He doesn't escalate often when someone takes something from him. We have one friend, C who is a tiny feisty 2 1/2+ yo, who your DD reminds me of. Whenever she takes things, hits, shoves, or is unkind her mom removes her for a time out and talks about how to love friends. I always leave my O where he is unless he's really upset. Last time we had a playdate C hit, shoved, and took multiple toys. O finally had enough and kicked her in both shins, hard. C flew at least 2 feet and was mostly shocked that O did something back. Of course, I removed O in this case. Both kids were crying, I think O was more so because I was angry which doesn't happen often. They gave each other a hug and kept playing nicely the rest of the time.

I think you're doing the right thing. I would be sure to talk to your DD before your next playdate. Also remember that this age is still a little early developmentally for easy sharing. I would talk to my sister about it and have her talk to your BIL. Explain that you feel like it would be better if only the perpetrator was removed from the situation while they had a cool down time and that your DD isn't going to learn unless she can have more than one chance.

[itsmemeg]

In this situation I would remove your DD and show A or any other child the attention, not your DD. Sometimes it’s attention seeking behavior. My DS can be physical too and we really reinforce that “hitting/pushing/biting/pinching/spitting” is not nice and hurts. We do time outs at home for this and he isn’t allowed to get up or do whatever he was doing previously until he apologizes and states what he did and that is was not nice and what do we do instead (hugs, nice touches, walk away, take a break, ask for space).

We had really rough go with biting at daycare when he was 15 months old or so and the book “teeth are not for biting” really helped us. We would read it before bed every night.

At this age, I would really reinforce what nice behavior is and when she does something nice praise her.

[ajm]

We've had this issue with my DD and her cousin, K, who is about 1.5 yrs older. Her cousin is smaller for her age so we had a problem with DD hitting or pushing. We took DD away and gave K the attention. It eventually stopped as I think it's mostly an age thing. We still have to pull them apart sometimes when they aren't sharing, but I think that's common.

[lily]

As previous posters have said, this is a rough age.

I’d make sure to talk about what we do and don’t do outside of the situation. You can role play it with dolls or just you and your daughter. Take turns being the pusher and pushed. Role play appropriate behavior too.

If she responds well to books, Hands Are Not For Hitting is fabulous. You can repeat key phrases from the book just before social situations and in the moment.

You can loop your sister & mom in - we are using phrases X and Y to remind to use nice hands, nice words, don’t push, don’t snatch. Please help us by using phrases X & Y so the lesson is learned / habit is broken faster. Hopefully this can mentally put you all back on the same team, if you will.

[lemons]

What were you previously doing when she was hitting/pushing?

I agree with robot that you should be removing your DD from the situation and discussing with her why.

[adeline]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate it.

I have been taking whatever toy off DD and taking her over to one side of the room and explaining that it’s not ok and she’s making A sad and we have to share if we want friends to play with us. It calms her down 50% of the time but I think I need to start keeping her right out of the fun (another room?) for a few minutes to make her feel like she’s missing out on something.
I’ll speak to my sister about an approach we can both do so if A is the aggressor she does the same and hopefully DD will start to see that whoever is inappropriate misses out.
Thanks.

[bebbysue]

I'm a little late but I did want to offer this as well. My DD is 2.5 + some and her cousin is 13 months older. DD tends to be on the receiving end (my niece has really aggressive behavior) but there was a point when she was lashing out by biting her. We would just remove her from the situation, for a short time, and then let them play together again. I don't think keeping them apart is going to correct any behavior. I think eventually they will learn.

Also, I will say, we have been on a few playdates and DD is so well behaved with other kids. There is just something about her cousin that they fight, like siblings would I assume. So just know you're not alone. I hope it gets better for you soon