Ask Anything & Survival Guide *all welcome*

[lemonliz]

I saw a few new people come over! I just wanted to say hello! Stop in here and say hi and feel free to ask anything that might be on your minds.

I thought that maybe it would be helpful for some grads and vets and regs to pass along any tips, tricks, or pieces of wisdom they have. Sort of an IF Survival Guide, if you will.

Bonus points for IMG, GIFs or memes.


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[lemonliz]

Comparing yourself to other people will DRIVE YOU CRAZY. That applies to comparing yourself to fertiles and infertiles. It's super hard not to compare and I am still not very good at it, but I'm cognizant that it makes me more miserable to let myself wallow in the "why her and not me" than it does to just accept where I am and play the hand I'm dealt.

Also: keep all of your IF cycle paraphernalia in one container, that way you can easily grab it and move it out of sight when company comes over.


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[daisy818]

One thing I would go back and tell myself if I could is that the people in my life that I care about have by and large been super supportive as I've come out about my IF, and I wish I hadn't spent so long worrying about telling them. I finally came out to some friends last month, and several of them told me about their own IF struggles that I had never known anything about (esp. since most, like me, are still waiting on a THB). You'll know your comfort zone, but I wish I hadn't spent so much time feeling like I had to battle this on my own.

That being said, if you don't feel comfortable setting some ground rules with someone (such as "let me bring up my IF struggles rather than you asking me about it") then they might not be someone you should tell - even the most well-meaning people can sometimes be really dense with this stuff, so make sure you feel comfortable telling them when they've done something hurtful.

[lemonliz]

Jun 2, 2017 7:30:33 GMT -6 daisy818 said:

One thing I would go back and tell myself if I could is that the people in my life that I care about have by and large been super supportive as I've come out about my IF, and I wish I hadn't spent so long worrying about telling them. I finally came out to some friends last month, and several of them told me about their own IF struggles that I had never known anything about (esp. since most, like me, are still waiting on a THB). You'll know your comfort zone, but I wish I hadn't spent so much time feeling like I had to battle this on my own.

That being said, if you don't feel comfortable setting some ground rules with someone (such as "let me bring up my IF struggles rather than you asking me about it") then they might not be someone you should tell - even the most well-meaning people can sometimes be really dense with this stuff, so make sure you feel comfortable telling them when they've done something hurtful.

This is a good one. I like this advice. I'm also really terrible about sharing our struggle with a wider audience. We've kind of only filled people in bits by bits and we definitely keep parts of our struggle hidden (most people IRL don't know we're still cycling, for example).  

[ketchup]

I know I saw a couple of people who meant to intro over on TCF, and I'm sure there are lurkers from GKU. My tip/wisdom is for you. 

I feel like it is important to acknowledge the beginning, because there is just so much you don't know and so much fear about what you may find out. It's lonely, it's scary, and it is easy to convince yourself that "doctor knows best". I also encourage those who lurk in the beginning but don't feel that they "go" here because they haven't started more advanced treatment to knock that shit off and come intro. We don't play the pain olympics with IF, and I swear to you that if you ever have to journey down this horrible fucking path, these are the women you want by your side. The support, knowledge, and overall sense of "I get you" is priceless. Your journey is just as important as someone who is a vet at treatment. Don't be afraid to seek the answers/support you need. Plus, there is nothing more "satisfying" about being experienced with IF than being able to pay it forward and offer advice to someone who is starting their journey. We get it. We get you. 

I guess my biggest BTDT to pass along to those in the very beginning stages, is that you have to be your own advocate. Don't blindly follow the white coat. Especially if that white coat is your OBGYN who wants to "try a few things" before giving you a referral to an RE. If you have been trying for 12+ months (or 6+ if 35<), then you are entitled to a referral to a specialist. Don't let the fear of standing up for yourself or questioning your medical professional set you back any further, and for the love of hay sous, do NOT try any treatments without testing. And yes, the "Clomid Challenge" is treatment, and is dangerous AF to do without proper testing/monitoring. Ask me how I know. 

[butlerfan]

Do you want me to spoiler my signature with the mention of foster kids? If so....how do I do that again?

[butlerfan]

Jun 2, 2017 8:51:07 GMT -6 ketchup said:

I know I saw a couple of people who meant to intro over on TCF, and I'm sure there are lurkers from GKU. My tip/wisdom is for you. 

I feel like it is important to acknowledge the beginning, because there is just so much you don't know and so much fear about what you may find out. It's lonely, it's scary, and it is easy to convince yourself that "doctor knows best". I also encourage those who lurk in the beginning but don't feel that they "go" here because they haven't started more advanced treatment to knock that shit off and come intro. We don't play the pain olympics with IF, and I swear to you that if you ever have to journey down this horrible fucking path, these are the women you want by your side. The support, knowledge, and overall sense of "I get you" is priceless. Your journey is just as important as someone who is a vet at treatment. Don't be afraid to seek the answers/support you need. Plus, there is nothing more "satisfying" about being experienced with IF than being able to pay it forward and offer advice to someone who is starting their journey. We get it. We get you. 

I guess my biggest BTDT to pass along to those in the very beginning stages, is that you have to be your own advocate. Don't blindly follow the white coat. Especially if that white coat is your OBGYN who wants to "try a few things" before giving you a referral to an RE. If you have been trying for 12+ months (or 6+ if 35<), then you are entitled to a referral to a specialist. Don't let the fear of standing up for yourself or questioning your medical professional set you back any further, and for the love of hay sous, do NOT try any treatments without testing. And yes, the "Clomid Challenge" is treatment, and is dangerous AF to do without proper testing/monitoring. Ask me how I know. 

100% agree.  IF sucks no matter what. We aren't doing treatment for so many reasons and we have closed that door and opened the foster care one instead. However, we still have IF and always will and this group has been nothing but welcoming and supportive.

[daisy818]

Totally agree with ketchup. I've been posting on 3T/IF for well over a year, and I'm just now moving on to treatment beyond medicated TI (and I didn't even move on to that until 6 months after I introed here). I have learned so much, and had so much support, even though I've been at a super early stage for a really long time.

[butlerfan]

Jun 2, 2017 7:22:35 GMT -6 lemonliz said:

Comparing yourself to other people will DRIVE YOU CRAZY. That applies to comparing yourself to fertiles and infertiles. It's super hard not to compare and I am still not very good at it, but I'm cognizant that it makes me more miserable to let myself wallow in the "why her and not me" than it does to just accept where I am and play the hand I'm dealt.

Also: keep all of your IF cycle paraphernalia in one container, that way you can easily grab it and move it out of sight when company comes over.


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This...however when you have to go to baby showers you can't help but compare. At least in my case.

[butlerfan]

Some days are easier than others. Some days are harder than others. It's a fact of life but so true about IF.

[bonzo]

Jun 2, 2017 10:59:56 GMT -6 butlerfan said:

Some days are easier than others. Some days are harder than others. It's a fact of life but so true about IF.

This is so true. I have days when I feel good and optimistic, and days when I just want to cry because life is so fucking unfair. And everything in between. IF brings such a range of emotions, and it can be hard to find people who truly understand. But you end up finding strength you never knew you had, and you have to trust that it will carry you through the bad days. Because we will all get through this one way or another.

[bananas22]

Jun 2, 2017 12:22:15 GMT -6 bonzo said:

Jun 2, 2017 10:59:56 GMT -6 butlerfan said:

Some days are easier than others. Some days are harder than others. It's a fact of life but so true about IF.

This is so true. I have days when I feel good and optimistic, and days when I just want to cry because life is so fucking unfair. And everything in between. IF brings such a range of emotions, and it can be hard to find people who truly understand. But you end up finding strength you never knew you had, and you have to trust that it will carry you through the bad days. Because we will all get through this one way or another.

+1 to all of this. There are days when I just want to quit because I feel like I can't do it anymore. Then I look back on what I've survived already and I keep going.

[amberr]

On the note of comparing:

It took me awhile to realize that I don't HAVE to do as much as others when it comes to treatments. For me and MH, we have set clear limits from the beginning. I'm a major planner so I *need* to know before hand, how much I'm investing such as number of cycles/tries. It's made the end of this particular treatment style easy to accept and move on.

I used to feel guilty when I didn't want to do a million IUI and umpteen IVF cycles. But, for me, I have a limit and I've accepted that my path is mine, and it doesn't have to look like everyone else's.

[justjudy]

My little trick for IVF was putting all my meds and accessories into daily portion baggies, except for the refrigerated stuff of course. But I'd literally put alcohol and cotton pads, syringes, and meds into a small plastic bag. Then I'd just grab a bag and my pen from the fridge each night to do my injections.

[westiemom]

My biggest tip is to always make a plan to do something fun after each cycle if it isn't successful. We took a trip (some small, some big) after each failed cycle/loss. It gave us something to look forward to and kept us "together."

[fatpony]

I don't have any tips, since I'm #newtoIF

I'm sure I will have lots of questions as we move through this process.

However, Jess from the New Girl pretty much sums up all my feelings.

[specter]

So many great things mentioned already, so I won't repeat them. One of the things I wish I knew from the get-go:

Don't put your life on hold because of your IF. I used to plan everything around treatments, and can't tell you how many fun things, trips, events, etc. I missed out on because of this. I've come to the realization that IF has already robbed me of so much, and I won't give it so much power over me anymore. I'm going on the holidays, participating in the girls away weekends, and having a life again. It's been very freeing.
(And I realize that this perspective isn't for everyone.... but heck, it's working for me at the moment).

[shananagins]

Totally agreeing with the wise lemonliz. I had a really, really hard time not comparing myself--to people with other dx, to my friends who blinked and got pregnant, to my mom who popped out 3 kids at a much younger age than I was when I made it into the door of an RE.

It's so easy to forget that IF is an umbrella and there are SO many dx that fall within the spectrum, and each of them is completely unique. The beauty of IF (and this community) is that despite the fact that we are all at different stages of this journey, with different dx, and different paths to get there, everyone here supports everyone else.

It's also easy to forget that we all have our threshold for treatment. I love amberr's advice. DH and I mapped out exactly what we were willing to do in terms of treatment, and knew what we were willing to try before moving on to something else. For us, the having a plan A, B, C, and D was comforting. I know that for others, they just need to take each step as it comes. And neither one is the "right" thing to do. (The other important thing I figured out is that it's 100% ok to change your mind. As many times as you would like. We had a firm 2 IVF cycle only plan. After ER for IVF 2 I was all "Just kidding, maybe one more.") So definitely so what makes the most sense for you.

Also echoing butlerfan. Sometimes you feel really positive and sometimes you feel really sad and sometimes you just want to light the world on fire. Feel your feels, and lean on the amazing ladies here for support when you need it. (3T and DOR check-in have some epic blanket forts. Just saying.)

No matter what, just know that you are not alone. You have an entire community of people rooting for you and holding your hand along the way <3

[ponyhairs]

Jun 2, 2017 14:45:24 GMT -6 justjudy said:

My little trick for IVF was putting all my meds and accessories into daily portion baggies, except for the refrigerated stuff of course. But I'd literally put alcohol and cotton pads, syringes, and meds into a small plastic bag. Then I'd just grab a bag and my pen from the fridge each night to do my injections.

I totally did that too.  It was so handy.  My H mixed everything so I would just pull the baggie and he would hand me loaded and mixed syringes.

[grover]

Jun 2, 2017 16:57:17 GMT -6 specter said:

So many great things mentioned already, so I won't repeat them. One of the things I wish I knew from the get-go:

Don't put your life on hold because of your IF. I used to plan everything around treatments, and can't tell you how many fun things, trips, events, etc. I missed out on because of this. I've come to the realization that IF has already robbed me of so much, and I won't give it so much power over me anymore. I'm going on the holidays, participating in the girls away weekends, and having a life again. It's been very freeing.
(And I realize that this perspective isn't for everyone.... but heck, it's working for me at the moment).

Totally agree with this. We missed out on a lot because of putting stuff on hold. Then last March we said fuck it, and went on our vacation we had finally planned even with Zika. And even though while there our nurse called and said our treatment would be postponed 8 weeks out rather than the 4 weeks they had told us the week before, we totally needed that vacation and time away. 

Also, feel free to tell any person who reminds you "to just be calm and have sex on vacation" to fuck off. It was very freeing, even though one of the people was my own mom.


Oh, and don't feel like you need to go to every baby shower that you are invited to. I was upfront to my mom and sister that I might not make hers, and that I would have to decide the day of. I did land up going, though I bawled the car ride there and back. 

[lemonliz]

Jun 2, 2017 17:31:11 GMT -6 shananagins said:

It's also easy to forget that we all have our threshold for treatment. I love amberr 's advice. DH and I mapped out exactly what we were willing to do in terms of treatment, and knew what we were willing to try before moving on to something else. For us, the having a plan A, B, C, and D was comforting. I know that for others, they just need to take each step as it comes. And neither one is the "right" thing to do. (The other important thing I figured out is that it's 100% ok to change your mind. As many times as you would like. We had a firm 2 IVF cycle only plan. After ER for IVF 2 I was all "Just kidding, maybe one more.") So definitely so what makes the most sense for you.

Do you want to hear my funny story about this? 

I had been lurking in the background on TB back in the day (circa 2013), but when we got our first DX (MFI), I intro'd that day, all freaked out about MFI because our OBGYN's nurse said something to the effect that his MFI was the worst she's ever seen (*insert eye roll* it really isn't as bad as she said). And I'm fairly sure that I said something in my intro like:

"I don't know if we'll ever pursue treatment and I am pretty sure IVF isn't in the cards, but I just want to hang out here for now."

[three years, two surgeries and 9 cycles later...] 



In all seriousness, I didn't know a lot about IVF when we were diagnosed. I had a lot of misconceptions about it. Especially the part about it working LOL. We just had to learn to adjust our sails along the way because once we got to the CLNBC juncture, we knew it wasn't somewhere we could stay. 

[bethkate]

Jun 2, 2017 16:57:17 GMT -6 specter said:

So many great things mentioned already, so I won't repeat them. One of the things I wish I knew from the get-go:

Don't put your life on hold because of your IF. I used to plan everything around treatments, and can't tell you how many fun things, trips, events, etc. I missed out on because of this. I've come to the realization that IF has already robbed me of so much, and I won't give it so much power over me anymore. I'm going on the holidays, participating in the girls away weekends, and having a life again. It's been very freeing.
(And I realize that this perspective isn't for everyone.... but heck, it's working for me at the moment).

So much this. It was liberating when I decided to try to just live my life and not let IF and treatments dictate everything all the time.

I also agree with ketchup on the ob comment. Personally, I went straight to a RE, but a good friend is going through a disaster of a time because of 6 months of testing and "treatment" through her ob. REs are a million times better at this, generally. Also, advocate for yourself. Always. Speak up. If something seems weird, do your own research and ask questions.

[Dogpaddle29]

amberr I agree with this. MH and I set clear expectations from the start. When we got to that number we moved to the next thing. It felt good to move forward together on the same page. It also saved us from a lot of fights.


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[Dogpaddle29]

specter I agree with this. I also put things on hold because "what if" now I plan it all and if I have to cancel then I cancel, but at least I go and do things when I can.


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[Deleted]

Jun 3, 2017 21:30:53 GMT -6 Dogpaddle29 said:

amberr I agree with this. MH and I set clear expectations from the start. When we got to that number we moved to the next thing. It felt good to move forward together on the same page. It also saved us from a lot of fights.


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Checking in with your SO and having continuous open communication is a huge help as well. Things can get overwhelming very quickly, and it helps to have your SO to talk to and vise versa.

[murrt]

*grad*

Well shit, I could write a damn book about this. My shorter version of advice (shorter than the book) is:

1. Pay attention. Seriously. Don't just listen and nod your head to the RE plan. I hope you trust him or her, but you're gonna want to know the details of your diagnosis and your protocol. I remember for my first IVF someone asked if I was doing antagonist and I had to look it up. Know your shit. It will come in handy if you want to question your treatment plan or if something goes wrong and you want to do something different the next time.


2. Share your diagnosis details and your treatment plan with the women here and if you want honest advice, ask for it, and open it up to grads. Lots of women have been through a lot here and if we can help you short-cut to a successful pregnancy, we'll try to do our best to help. But you have to ask. Also, lemonliz is pretty much an encyclopedia of peoples' cycles and diagnoses, so use her as a resource. She is wise.


3. I needed to change my mind many times with how far I was willing to go with treatment, and that's OK.


4.People will say stupid, hurtful things whether you are public about IF or not. When I was private about it I heard the "when will you have a baby" and "just get drunk" and dumb crap. When I was public I heard "aren't you worried IVF will screw up your kid?" "I don't think IVF should be covered by insurance" (and that was my sister!) . The good news is, you have the ladies here to bitch about it with and they will get it. Use them! It helps to know you're not the only one. Also, I felt like a weight lifted when I was open about it....when people said dumb things at that point I just put them in their place.


5. Some of you will have more treatments and surgeries and it will take more time than others. Infertility is a spectrum disease and some people will have a timed intercourse cycle or an IUI and will graduate. Others will go through several IVFs and many FETs or use donors or need several surgeries before IVF even has a shot. It's painful to watch your friends graduate while you process another BFN. So when you graduate, reach out to your friends that are still trying....even if it's just in the grad check-in, mention that you're thinking of them (without tags), or send a PM to see how things are going. I had many people do this for me. It helped. A lot. I don't know if she's here, but @rainbowbridge14 was especially amazing as a pal and still is. And I'm always wowed at how shananagins kept up and continues to keep up with cycles and mentions people in the grad-check-in. So, they are my examples. When you graduate, keep reaching out. And if you're one of the ones that are on that shitty end of the spectrum where you have to spend a good long time here, I'm sorry my friend. It sucks. But use the wisdom you've gained to help others and ask for support when you need it. Keep trying as much as you're able, but take breaks for sanity when you need to. And know that there are many people pulling for you...even if they don't always speak up.

**loss/trigger warning***
6. Unfortunately, some of you will experience loss too. It's fucking awful to go all the way through IVF and then experience a loss. Miscarriage, termination for medical reasons, and stillbirth are all things women have experienced in this community. It's awful. It's heartbreaking. You might not think you can try again. I hope you do. But for this very reason, I am a HUGE advocate of PGS testing. Even if the odds are in your favor, some people are on the wrong side of the odds. I was one of them. PGS will not guarantee you won't experience loss. But, it can help boost your chances. Not doing PGS testing for my first IVF is the regret of my lifetime...and my RE didn't recommend the testing (see point one)

Oh, and if you stay in the IF community long enough, these people will be your best friends. You might even make a vacation of a weekend and meet up with some of these ladies, or text more often than you do with your IRL friends.

For every thorn there is a rose. The women of this community are your roses.

[murrt]

And save your meds and donate when you're ready to! It's an amazing feeling. And yes, as I understand it, donating is legal, selling is not.

[king26]

Learn all you can about the process and ask questions. Ask questions of your RE, of your nurse, and here. I learned so much on these boards and was able to ask questions so my RE and I could put together the best possible plan.

Also, don't let them push you into something you don't want to do. If you think your cycle isn't going the way you want it to you have the right to stop it. One of my biggest regrets is not cancelling IVF #2 because I knew it was going to be a crappy outcome and it was.

Talk to your partner. Get it all out. Talk about what you are both willing to do, how far you are willing to go, your fears, your hopes, everything. After IVF #1 I bottled a lot up inside of me and we ended up having a huge fight about treatments. After that we made sure we discussed everything before going to our appointments and it made things so much easier when we were already on the same page.

Don't postpone things because you might get pregnant. I've postponed too many things and I've learned to just plan things and adjust if needed. The "what ifs" made me too sad.

[justjudy]

Jun 4, 2017 18:34:39 GMT -6 murrt said:

And save your meds and donate when you're ready to! It's an amazing feeling. And yes, as I understand it, donating is legal, selling is not.

Yes!!! I recieved some donated meds and was also able to donate some extras after we finished IVF. It truly is an amazing experience to share in that burden.

[mellyknu]

Oh, man. I'm trying to think of things that haven't already been said. There is much wisdom here already!

If somebody is talking about a protocol or diagnosis or anything that you're unfamiliar with, ask! Don't be shy about it. Just because you haven't heard of it, doesn't mean it's not relevant to you and knowing it may help you to support somebody else. I promise, nobody will make you feel dumb/annoying for asking questions.

Stop symptom spotting!! Every pregnancy symptom you think you might be feeling during 2WW could also just be side effects from your meds. Do yourself a favor and keep yourself occupied so you don't have as much time to obsess over every little thing your body does! You will drive yourself insane.

Possible trigger warnings on the last one....


Be prepared if/when you do get that BFP... PAIF isn't all sunshine and rainbows like you think it's going to be. The majority of us develop what we lovingly refer to as "PAIF brain." I can only describe what it felt like for me, but this may not be the case for everybody. Basically after a day or two of euphoria, I closed up. I was paralyzed with fear. My body hadn't done anything right up to that point so what made me think it would now? I never fully relaxed and trusted the pregnancy until my A/S went well and I found out the sex. The point of relaxation comes at different times/milestones for everybody, if it comes at all. This is where it's really important to lean on the women in PAIF. You will need each other. For this same reason, intro on PAIF ASAP!