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Post by Madymoiselle on Jun 1, 2017 13:31:08 GMT -6
Fuck him! What's the point, to make you more miserable than he is? I am so sorry. The other woman is telling tales to her husband to spin it to try to make herself look better. Like she didn't admit to it having gone on for 2 years, so I'm thinking she was playing the well it was this one time and we were drunk kind of thing that maybe her marriage can come back from.
It's me just needs to realize that it wasn't a one time thing and it's an ongoing years of lying thing that is going to be almost impossible to come back from to have a marriage built on trust or love
I don't think that's what's going on, I would bet the other woman is saying PO's H was the one initiating and asking to keep it going when she was trying to end it all this time and blabla and she is blaming ALL on him. Such a fuck up seriously, I am so upset and queasy for you itsme.
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itsme
Silver
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Post by itsme on Jun 1, 2017 13:32:20 GMT -6
Well he in general has a very low opinion of himself so he's very self defeatist. I don't think he's angling or manipulating on purpose for that. He's afraid that I will leave.
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brux
Diamond
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Post by brux on Jun 1, 2017 13:34:50 GMT -6
He should be afraid and he should have a low opinion of himself.
That would bring me joy right now. I'm petty.
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Post by tatorhead328 on Jun 1, 2017 13:34:58 GMT -6
That self defeatist BS would piss me right off. You don't get to play boo-hoo, woe is me today, dick.
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Tlex
Ruby
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Post by Tlex on Jun 1, 2017 13:40:28 GMT -6
Well the solution is not to fix his self esteem right now. That's very selfish thinking on his part to be obsessing about why he would do such a thing to you, why he feels so low about himself etc. It's all him him him with that line of thought. He feels like such a turd, he doesn't deserve you, he is such a low life and he hates himself. Those are all part of making the narrative about him. He needs to be thinking about YOU and the hurt he has caused you, and really taking time to accept and acknowledge that wound if it's ever going to heal.
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Post by imapenguin on Jun 1, 2017 13:40:35 GMT -6
I would not be dealing with me needing to be careful of his feelings in your situation. No. He did this. He gets deal with all the consequences with the speed at which they come.
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brux
Diamond
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Post by brux on Jun 1, 2017 13:45:32 GMT -6
Fake it until you make it...Show him that there are areas of you that he doesn't know and that one of them is your new shiny spine of steel. THIS! ::emoji praise hands:: This is what will get you through.
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wasabi
Moderator
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Post by wasabi on Jun 1, 2017 13:51:21 GMT -6
Well the solution is not to fix his self esteem right now. That's very selfish thinking on his part to be obsessing about why he would do such a thing to you, why he feels so low about himself etc. It's all him him him with that line of thought. He feels like such a turd, he doesn't deserve you, he is such a low life and he hates himself. Those are all part of making the narrative about him. He needs to be thinking about YOU and the hurt he has caused you, and really taking time to accept and acknowledge that wound if it's ever going to heal. Yeah he sounds a little bit narcissistic. Not to throw out any diagnoses.
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Post by tattooedtragedy on Jun 1, 2017 13:53:11 GMT -6
He also need to paint your husband as the villain. Maybe it will help him work through his issues but THATS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. This. Right now, your feelings are the most important thing. Take care of you, take care of your kids. everyone else needs to deal with their own shit.
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Post by helenahhandbasket on Jun 1, 2017 13:54:49 GMT -6
OP I am not sure I know which poster you are.
I did not see your other thread.
I know some will disagree with me but a 2 year relationship (that's what this was) is a lot different from a one time drunken mistake. A mistake I think I could personally forgive. As for an ongoing, 2 year relationship-- I am not sure what the other person would have to do to earn my trust back.
For now, get him away from you. You will not be able to make a clear headed decision with him moping around and trying to manipulate you with sad doggy eyes.
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Post by fikafairy on Jun 1, 2017 13:59:29 GMT -6
everything @🍍🍊PO🍍🍊 said. Infidelity is also my end point, having been on the same side you are with someone I thought I would be getting engaged to. Except when I caught him for real, it was the 3rd time I was put in an awkward position about it - denial denial denial everywhere. I "caught" it twice, but there was enough doubt around both situations that I let it go, but was cautious. When I found out about a 3rd, I didn't care whether it was true or not, I was done. I'm 1000% sure it also wasn't only 3 times either over the course of a year also. He also lied his face off to everyone about it - claimed it was a 1x thing when he was drunk, blah blah blah, until he made the mistake of saying this is front of the wrong person, who essentially flamed him into oblivion.
My big concern is his attitude of "just get it over with." It feels like he is trying to force you to end things so HE can play the victim to someone else later. Or that he can play the victim to the other wife, like she is trying to do with her husband.
Take all the time you need, and ONLY ONLY ONLY take care of you and your kids. Do not even give your H a moment's thought about his feelings, because he certainly disregarded yours the last two years.
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Post by enchanted on Jun 1, 2017 14:07:13 GMT -6
You've gotten so much good advice. I'm so sorry you're in this position. I wish there was something any of us could do to make it easier or go away. Hugs!
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rvasc
Emerald
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Post by rvasc on Jun 1, 2017 14:07:23 GMT -6
I mean, fuck him.
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teatime
Gold
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Post by teatime on Jun 1, 2017 14:08:18 GMT -6
My big concern is his attitude of "just get it over with." It feels like he is trying to force you to end things so HE can play the victim to someone else later. . This. Speaking from experience (not infidelity, granted) when I let things go repeatedly and always said No, I wasn't leaving, I wasn't hearing my ex. Only after everything finally ended did I realize what his actions and asking if I was leaving actually meant.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2017 14:16:28 GMT -6
I don't really have any advice but can offer hugs (( itsme))
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Post by wayfarerson on Jun 1, 2017 14:19:51 GMT -6
continued hugs
Sorry if I missed this, but is your BFF home yet? Have you talked about things IRL yet?
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pumpkin
Sapphire
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Post by pumpkin on Jun 1, 2017 14:22:31 GMT -6
My big concern is his attitude of "just get it over with." It feels like he is trying to force you to end things so HE can play the victim to someone else later. . This. Speaking from experience (not infidelity, granted) when I let things go repeatedly and always said No, I wasn't leaving, I wasn't hearing my ex. Only after everything finally ended did I realize what his actions and asking if I was leaving actually meant. Agreed. He's "telling" her everything she needs to hear (regarding how he wants this all to play out from here), she's just not in the right mindset to comprehend it yet. When she gets in that mindset and is ready to hear it, she will. And then it will all make sense! This is definitely something I realized in a similar infidelity situation, though I was not married. It's like telling your best friend that their SO isn't right for them/is a POS/etc. They won't see it until they want to see it.
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Post by sarahdove2 on Jun 1, 2017 14:35:23 GMT -6
I know someone said this in the original thread, but you need to try to treat this like oxygen masks on an airplane. You need to take care of yourself first before you can even think about what you are going to do next. Take the time to feel what you need to feel. Then decide how you are comfortable moving forward.
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Post by radiantfate on Jun 1, 2017 14:44:57 GMT -6
If I can give you a glimpse of how things could be down the road..in 2013 ex dropped a nuke on our family after repeated infidelities. I was crushed. I took over a year just to myself to heal, to grow, and to get comfortable with myself and my "new normal". In 2015 I met my now husband, who I just married 3 weeks ago. It was hard as hell being a single parent while recovering from that level of devastation but both DD and I are on the other side of it and we're okay. I don't know if this is helpful, but I hope it is.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
If you ever need to talk I'm more than happy to lend an internet stranger ear.
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itsme
Silver
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Post by itsme on Jun 1, 2017 14:55:47 GMT -6
That self defeatist BS would piss me right off. You don't get to play boo-hoo, woe is me today, dick. for sure. I told him to figure out how to deal with that without me because this is far from over and I'm being way nicer than I could be.
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itsme
Silver
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Post by itsme on Jun 1, 2017 15:01:10 GMT -6
I know it's easy to say but it's sure fucking hard to do, okay. I'm listening I appreciate all of this. But it's hard as fuck.
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itsme
Silver
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Post by itsme on Jun 1, 2017 15:03:33 GMT -6
My BFF is a long distance friend but yes we talked.
My pretty much only IRL friend near me is in the middle of ridiculous hectic life and just moved an hour away but I had to reach out and and she showed up with a lunch for my kids and a freezer full of food and just took care of us.
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itsme
Silver
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Post by itsme on Jun 1, 2017 15:04:49 GMT -6
I just don't know. Like is this something people could get over? Am I being stupid? Is this normal? What's normal? I just feel everything all at once all the time.
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rubysue
Amethyst
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Post by rubysue on Jun 1, 2017 15:07:09 GMT -6
I don't have any additional advice, itsme, but I didn't want to read and not comment. So much love to you.
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itsme
Silver
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Post by itsme on Jun 1, 2017 15:08:59 GMT -6
I called some places, I still couldn't find any appointments for earlier but I tried. I'm going to keep calling. I think you're right that I do need to go alone but I think it would be helpful to have kind of a mediator? I don't know.
I just wish someone could tell me the right thing.
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Post by billmurray on Jun 1, 2017 15:09:21 GMT -6
Sending you lots of love.
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CeeBug
Opal
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Post by CeeBug on Jun 1, 2017 15:10:01 GMT -6
I have missed quite a bit, but I have gathered the gist of what you are going through. I'm so sorry. I'm sending lots of love and support!
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itsme
Silver
Posts: 335 Likes: 1,499
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Post by itsme on Jun 1, 2017 15:10:24 GMT -6
I'm all queasy all the time. My friend brought so much food but I just can't eat. I'm drinking more coffee though it has cream and sugar? And I set a protein shake near me.
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rubysue
Amethyst
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Post by rubysue on Jun 1, 2017 15:10:36 GMT -6
I think getting over something like this is dependent on the person and their partner. I don't know that there's any sort of "normal" in this situation.
I don't think it's abnormal to want to salvage a marriage, or to not know for sure.
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bubbles
Gold
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Post by bubbles on Jun 1, 2017 15:10:50 GMT -6
You are not being stupid. There is no normal for this situation. Some people can and do get over things like this. Will you? That's not something we can decide. You feel everything all the time because it's still fresh. Let yourself process your emotions, you don't have to decide if you can move with him right now. I'm sorry you are going through this.
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