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Post by ouiserboudreaux on Jun 1, 2017 12:30:51 GMT -6
In the meantime - google some stuff from The Gottman Institute. John Gottman has written some great books on marriage, broken trust, etc. We were reading What Makes Love Last last fall per our therapist. If anything else I found a lot of stuff very eye opening, validating, and helpful in my processing.
ETA: I think this can be helpful whether you ultimately choose to stay or go.
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itsme
Silver
Posts: 335 Likes: 1,499
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Post by itsme on Jun 1, 2017 12:37:38 GMT -6
I ate almost an entire chicken sandwich yesterday, what do you want from me?
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Post by ouiserboudreaux on Jun 1, 2017 12:41:46 GMT -6
Sorry - I keep having thoughts.
I would operate on the assumption that everything out of his mouth is a lie right now. He just got caught in a pretty big fuck up. He could be trying to save face, he could be being honest. Only time will tell. But ultimately his words mean nothing. He needs to walk to the walk for a substantial amount of time before y'all can make any kind of true progress, be it as a couple or not.
I know this is so hard and I'm sending you more squeezes.
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Risscaboobs
Sapphire
Fuck is by far my favorite F word.
Posts: 2,971 Likes: 10,175
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Post by Risscaboobs on Jun 1, 2017 12:41:54 GMT -6
--SNIPPED--- CHICKEN SANDWICH Yay! Protein! (maybe aim for two?)
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itsme
Silver
Posts: 335 Likes: 1,499
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Post by itsme on Jun 1, 2017 12:43:54 GMT -6
Fuck this fucking shit omg.
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wasabi
Moderator
Posts: 18,849 Likes: 119,853
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Post by wasabi on Jun 1, 2017 12:51:06 GMT -6
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Post by silvermelody on Jun 1, 2017 12:54:17 GMT -6
Sending you big hugs.
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Post by wickedcandy on Jun 1, 2017 12:56:40 GMT -6
itsme, I am so pissed for you, please look into talking to someone just by yourself, so YOU can decide where you want things to go, right now he need to sit down & shut up. Please take care of yourself or I will be forced to send you chocolate bars...
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Tlex
Ruby
Posts: 22,759 Likes: 154,991
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Post by Tlex on Jun 1, 2017 12:57:24 GMT -6
I am trying to figure out a way to sensitively word that I want to caution you to remain aware of the idea that some spouses when caught behave in certain ways that are really hard to fathom... because they're too cowardly to end things so they want their spouse to do it for them.
I am not saying ANYTHING about your situation. I just want you to be eyes open to that possibility should you develop a nagging feeling or something.
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Post by ouiserboudreaux on Jun 1, 2017 12:58:32 GMT -6
Also what flex said. What kind bs is coming out his mouth right now?
That should said tlex not flex. Sorry girl.😂
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Post by ouiserboudreaux on Jun 1, 2017 12:58:43 GMT -6
Also feel free to tell me to shut up.😬
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gingy
Opal
Posts: 7,680 Likes: 35,501
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Post by gingy on Jun 1, 2017 13:00:51 GMT -6
I was going to rec this also. They have some good articles in addition to the forum. itsme, I'm sorry you're feeling all the things right now. It may be quite a while before you reach "normal" again. And even then, shit will happen and you will spiral because you're human and that's what we do. If you ever want to chat, don't hesitate to let me know.
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McBenny
Unicorn
#sickomode
Posts: 52,189 Likes: 296,706
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Post by McBenny on Jun 1, 2017 13:10:29 GMT -6
Wasn't he having sex and got caught in the act? I missed the OP. What is there to come back from?
As for the being honest part, I mean he was caught. He admitted it didn't he? He told you this has been going on so it's on you where you want to go from there.
No one can pick or decide for you.
Me myself, hell no. You were banging cooch while me and your kids were in the house? I don't think I can come back from that.
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Post by cardboardpirate on Jun 1, 2017 13:11:52 GMT -6
Sending you love. Please be kind to yourself. You are not on any kind of schedule to get back to "normal" (what a shitty word).
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McBenny
Unicorn
#sickomode
Posts: 52,189 Likes: 296,706
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Post by McBenny on Jun 1, 2017 13:11:59 GMT -6
I don't know why I would need counseling if I didn't fuck up but I know this is the norm here so I am releasing it.
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McBenny
Unicorn
#sickomode
Posts: 52,189 Likes: 296,706
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Post by McBenny on Jun 1, 2017 13:14:51 GMT -6
I am also not in the camp that his messing around means he doesn't care about you or love you or that this was all a lie.
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McBenny
Unicorn
#sickomode
Posts: 52,189 Likes: 296,706
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Post by McBenny on Jun 1, 2017 13:19:24 GMT -6
I would definitely need some distance so I would be telling him he needed to get the fuck away from me. While he is there in your face, I don't see you able to think clearly.
You didn't throw him out or insist that he leaves. So, this time is going to be a nightmare. You will wax and wane with emotion.
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Post by ellewoods on Jun 1, 2017 13:19:26 GMT -6
Don't let him rush you into anything. He was cheating for 2 years - he should let you have all the time you need to process this.
What do you want. Do you love the person you thought he was? Can he be that person again?
I would have a hard time with the betrayal - knowing that this was going on while you were sleeping and that they must have had glances while you were present. Did he care for her?
I'm a jealous person so I'd have a very hard time.
But there are kids involved and if you loved him -and if he's willing to put the effort in, you can come back from this.
Only you and he can decide the right answer but fuck no to rushing you,
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Post by bellatrix on Jun 1, 2017 13:22:05 GMT -6
Sending hugs your way itsme.
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McBenny
Unicorn
#sickomode
Posts: 52,189 Likes: 296,706
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Post by McBenny on Jun 1, 2017 13:22:28 GMT -6
I don't know why I would need counseling if I didn't fuck up but I know this is the norm here so I am releasing it. I feel like she is still worried about his feelings and comfort a lot and the thought of doing it alone is very overwhelming to her. Counseling can also help her sort through some tough decision-making. I didn't say that for anyone to chime in.
I mean I am just not with paying someone to tell me things when they don't know me or my situation. A doctor you already have a relationship with is one thing.
A counselor is not going to make it suddenly not overwhelming.
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McBenny
Unicorn
#sickomode
Posts: 52,189 Likes: 296,706
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Post by McBenny on Jun 1, 2017 13:24:31 GMT -6
I thought you told people who you were so this AE thing is odd.
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itsme
Silver
Posts: 335 Likes: 1,499
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Post by itsme on Jun 1, 2017 13:25:22 GMT -6
I would definitely need some distance so I would be telling him he needed to get the fuck away from me. While he is there in your face, I don't see you able to think clearly. You didn't throw him out or insist that he leaves. So, this time is going to be a nightmare. You will wax and wane with emotion. I did yesterday.
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itsme
Silver
Posts: 335 Likes: 1,499
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Post by itsme on Jun 1, 2017 13:25:47 GMT -6
I thought you told people who you were so this AE thing is odd. okay
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McBenny
Unicorn
#sickomode
Posts: 52,189 Likes: 296,706
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Post by McBenny on Jun 1, 2017 13:27:10 GMT -6
You either are going to ask him to get out or not.
You are either going to work on it or not. *This is dependent on him. You can't fix this alone.
For me, I would need to decide the first one ASAP. You don't have a deadline on the other.
From what you posted, his being there is not healthy for you.
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McBenny
Unicorn
#sickomode
Posts: 52,189 Likes: 296,706
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Post by McBenny on Jun 1, 2017 13:27:56 GMT -6
I thought you told people who you were so this AE thing is odd. Well I don't know. I was not involved in that thread.
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itsme
Silver
Posts: 335 Likes: 1,499
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Post by itsme on Jun 1, 2017 13:28:18 GMT -6
I am also not in the camp that his messing around means he doesn't care about you or love you or that this was all a lie. I agree with that too. Sometimes it's just sex and the novelty of illicit sex is hot for some people. This is why him even doing it in house with her there is not as scandalous to me. Clearly both of them kind of got off on that part of it. I think this is all true. Like it just even feels ridiculous to me to say this? Like you are all rolling your eyes at my naive little self but I don't know. I think this.
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itsme
Silver
Posts: 335 Likes: 1,499
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Post by itsme on Jun 1, 2017 13:29:33 GMT -6
You either are going to ask him to get out or not. You are either going to work on it or not. *This is dependent on him. You can't fix this alone. For me, I would need to decide the first one ASAP. You don't have a deadline on the other. From what you posted, his being there is not healthy for you. it's not and I finally realized and acted on this.
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teatime
Gold
Posts: 985 Likes: 4,807
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Post by teatime on Jun 1, 2017 13:29:34 GMT -6
I'm curious about his "you're leaving me so let's just get it over with" attitude. I know this sucks and you're having trouble discerning whether he is being honest or not, and I'm trying to figure out how to say it carefully, but listen to what the end result of his suggestions would be.
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itsme
Silver
Posts: 335 Likes: 1,499
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Post by itsme on Jun 1, 2017 13:30:55 GMT -6
Fuck him! What's the point, to make you more miserable than he is? I am so sorry. The other woman is telling tales to her husband to spin it to try to make herself look better. Like she didn't admit to it having gone on for 2 years, so I'm thinking she was playing the well it was this one time and we were drunk kind of thing that maybe her marriage can come back from.
It's me just needs to realize that it wasn't a one time thing and it's an ongoing years of lying thing that is going to be almost impossible to come back from to have a marriage built on trust or love
she's painting herself as a victim in a terrible way yes. But I can't keep focusing on them. I blocked the husband.
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McBenny
Unicorn
#sickomode
Posts: 52,189 Likes: 296,706
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Post by McBenny on Jun 1, 2017 13:31:02 GMT -6
I can easily separate sex and love. Not everyone can. My issue would be the level of disrespect you went to. Out of all the people in the world, someone I know. In the house, with me and your kids.
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