addymac
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Post by addymac on May 8, 2024 20:40:42 GMT -6
My kiddo is doing his first season of baseball. The entire team minus 1-2 players are newbies at this. They’re all 6/7/8.
There was this one mom there today who was just being absolutely horrible to her child. I heard her yell at him something about how he acted up at school and now he was having an attitude at practice so I think her fuse was short already.
But then she proceeded to just yell at him about everything. She didn’t even notice another kid pushed him and they got into a little fight bc the kid cut him in line and he yelled at the kid. She yelled at him bc he was in a bad mood and that she was gonna extend his punishment another week. She yelled at him bc he was crying because he got hit in the face with a baseball- bc he was wearing glasses so why would that hurt / if he was wearing his helmet low enough/correctly he wouldn’t have been hit. She screamed at him because he wasn’t fast enough helping to pick up the baseballs. She yelled at him bc he was carrying his backpack by the top strap not by the arm straps. Because he was still wearing his batting glove. Because he wasn’t sure if his ball was in the bag. She screamed at him saying he was fucking stupid, did he have a brain, was he fucking retarded, she was gonna beat his ass when they got home, etc.
I literally just wanted to cry and hug the kid. I did not feel like I could say anything to her at that time. I get we all have bad days and that I’m certainly guilty of snapping easily at my kids and yelling over dumb shit. But this was so far over the line to me, and in public.
But I’m at home hours later and I can’t stop thinking about that poor boy and I just feel like I did a disservice to him by not telling her to stop. 😔
What would you have done / would you say anything next time you see her?
ETA: there’s also a weird social dynamic at play. We’re on the south side of Chicago in a very mixed neighborhood where you’re either there bc you grew up on the south side or because you have a connection to the university or hospital. She looks a lot younger than me, I’d put her at mid-late 20s, I’m 38. She’s AA, I’m basically white (white Latina with white kids and a white H), her kid is at local public school, my kid is at a private fancy university affiliated school. We may be in the same socioeconomic class, I have no idea, no clue about anything else about her. These are just the differences between us that I can see and know about.
I worry if I say something it’ll come off as a white woman savior type thing that needs to MYOB.
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Post by GhoatMonket on May 8, 2024 21:31:42 GMT -6
Would I say something to her personally? No, probably not. Like you, I have a pretty good idea of how that will land no matter how well intentioned.
More likely I mention it to the coaches, if for nothing else that they are aware and can maybe be a little bit of a crap deflector for him at practice/games (have the kid come to them if he gets hit, not go to mom).
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AmyG
Ruby
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Post by AmyG on May 8, 2024 22:16:43 GMT -6
Yeah what she said ^ There's unfortunately little you can say to fix this for the kid.
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roselab
Silver
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Post by roselab on May 9, 2024 5:46:24 GMT -6
Agree with pp. If she feels comfortable acting like that in front of strangers, then hearing from a stranger that they don't like how she's acting is unfortunately unlikely to have any affect on her behavior. So I agree that the best way to help this poor kid is to make sure he has other adults in his life who don't treat him like that and build him up, and the coaches are in a good position to do that if they are willing/able. Other than talking to the coaches, the only other things I would do would be to go out of my way to cheer for this kid and try to build him up as much as another parent bystander can, or MAYBE if you ever see another adult with the mom at a game or something AND she is excessively yelling again, say something to them because they might be in a better position to say something to her.
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Post by goldenbird on May 9, 2024 6:04:52 GMT -6
I would not say anything for reasons already mentioned.
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shadows
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Post by shadows on May 9, 2024 7:52:05 GMT -6
I completely understand the urge to say something, but I can't imagine any scenario in which that would not go poorly, so I agree with everyone else here.
The ball field can be a tough place for kids, unfortunately.
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Post by lifesaverz on May 9, 2024 8:34:39 GMT -6
Personally, I would talk with the coaches, get any information you can about the kid (name, contact number, what school he attends), & would call & make a CPS report. What you heard was definitely emotional abuse, & with mentions of possible physical abuse. Now I'm a mandated reporter in my job, so I am fairly comfortable/familiar with the process, but that's what I would do. And for me it's not about "savior" anything, but every kid deserves to be protected. CPS may or may not be able to do something with what you tell them, but since you'd also talk with the coaches, at least they can be there for the kid too. And if I heard any worse things at future games I'd report that as well.
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🍍 🍊 Fineapple 🍍 🍊
Emerald
I never gossip, I observe...And then relay my observations to practically everyone.
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Post by 🍍 🍊 Fineapple 🍍 🍊 on May 9, 2024 9:17:03 GMT -6
I am conflicted. Looking at this as a Black person, I would feel how you feel. I would also be inclined to speak up. Even if she cursed me out and told me to mind my business, because if you can act like that publicly I would hate to see what is happening behind closed doors. I had to look as to why I was taken aback at lifesaverz, mentioning CPS. And I know why:Black children are removed faster, in care longer, and have lower rates of reunification and the older children have higher rates of aging out of care. Foster care is hell for millions of kids and plenty of adults say they would rather the abuse from family vs strangers. It is a hard call, but I would escalate in hopes that there are sources for her to parent in a more effective method. As a current mandated reporter- I would absolutely say something.
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Post by gallagher on May 9, 2024 10:12:05 GMT -6
What in the world could you possibly say to her that wouldn't be offensive and condescending? This is a mind your own business situation unless there becones reportable abuse suitable for CPS.
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trueblue
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Post by trueblue on May 9, 2024 10:35:55 GMT -6
I wouldn’t call CPS, absent witnessing physical abuse or a continuing pattern of verbal abuse. What I would do is attempt to be approachable and make small talk with the mom in the coming weeks at practices and games. In my experience when moms are overwhelmed with their kids behavior it seeps out into conversations with other moms who shows a hint of grace and understanding, more so if it’s clear that each mom’s kid is having a hard time.*
Maybe she’s overwhelmed and needs another adult to talk too. Maybe she’s an abusive asshole parent. Maybe she’s had a horrid day and fell back into a learned pattern of parenting she’s been working hard on changing. You just don’t know
So I would try to give grace and be there to listen, if she wants to talk, and offer advice IF it’s asked for, relevant, and something you have personal knowledge of.
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McBenny
Unicorn
#sickomode
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Post by McBenny on May 9, 2024 10:41:16 GMT -6
I wouldn't say anything to her.
I also feel you have a snapshot of her day and you don't know her. You don't know anything about her or him. You don't have backstory, full picture, you just don't know. So, what could you say? You posted that you wanted to tell her to stop. That's funny to me. Like, LOL ok.
I know if it were me, that would not land well with me. My response would depend on how I felt on that day. Basically, you parent how you choose, and you should mind your business the rest of the time.
I also feel if you didn't say anything then, the ship has sailed. I would not be going around talking about it. If you would have said something, then loud and publicly then maybe shame and the eyes of others would have helped.
I am a mandated reporter, and this isn't even something I would report. I would have to be there because I remember the "I never yell" conversation we had here so I would need to hear it for myself. Yelling to you and yelling to me may not be the same.
I most certainly not say something the next time I saw her if you didn't address it right then. That's just me though.
I damn sure would not call CPS on anyone based off what was posted. I also wish a coach would give my child's personal information out to a parent. The hell fire I would bring down on that organization. I wish the fuck they would.
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FlightView
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Post by FlightView on May 9, 2024 10:47:56 GMT -6
There was a dad on DS’s hockey team like this. He had two kids on the team and was just so awful to his kids. And throughout the whole season it was the same. Yelling and belittling his daughter mostly, and the mom or wife would never interfere. I never knew if she was bio mom or not though.
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🍍 🍊 Fineapple 🍍 🍊
Emerald
I never gossip, I observe...And then relay my observations to practically everyone.
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Post by 🍍 🍊 Fineapple 🍍 🍊 on May 9, 2024 11:35:02 GMT -6
What in the world could you possibly say to her that wouldn't be offensive and condescending? This is a mind your own business situation unless there becones reportable abuse suitable for CPS. She didn't care about being offensive and condescending to her child. And honestly, this is part of the problem. No one speaks up until it is too late and then everyone sings the "I wish I had said something".
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agm04
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Post by agm04 on May 9, 2024 11:59:39 GMT -6
Happens at softball frequently. Our league has little tolerance for that kind of thing - the parent would get reported to the league and they'd reach out to her privately to discuss appropriate behavior/language at fields, around other kids, etc.
How far into the season are you? Chances are, the coaches have already seen/heard it and are aware, but if it's early in the season and you think they haven't, it's worth mentioning.
The other parents in our league generally go out of their way to cheer that kid on. There's also a decent amount of "don't be too hard on her, she has to shake it off and keep playing" from one parent to another. I know you're talking about more than being yelled at for performance during a game, but people just try to address what's in front of them. If nothing else, it's a reminder that people are watching.
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Post by lifesaverz on May 9, 2024 12:35:58 GMT -6
I should add, one thing that makes me feel more comfortable with reporting is that I've made many, many reports over the course of my career, & I do receive follow-up information on what happens as a result of those reports, & out of all of them only one child was ever removed from the home. And that was an active sexual abuse situation. So I've seen & have real evidence that it's quite rare for them to remove a child from the home, & so I'm more likely to look at making a report as bringing attention & resources to a situation, because at least in my area that is typically what happens. And I wouldn't want that child taken away, but it could be helpful for the mom to potentially get some parenting resources & support.
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McBenny
Unicorn
#sickomode
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Post by McBenny on May 9, 2024 13:52:28 GMT -6
I should add, one thing that makes me feel more comfortable with reporting is that I've made many, many reports over the course of my career, & I do receive follow-up information on what happens as a result of those reports, & out of all of them only one child was ever removed from the home. And that was an active sexual abuse situation. So I've seen & have real evidence that it's quite rare for them to remove a child from the home, & so I'm more likely to look at making a report as bringing attention & resources to a situation, because at least in my area that is typically what happens. And I wouldn't want that child taken away, but it could be helpful for the mom to potentially get some parenting resources & support. I don't really want to go into this conversation, but this post here - it really doesn't mean anything to me. I don't know where you have worked and reported as in the area, as in knowing the population and demographics. For the life of me, I have never heard of anyone looking at CPS as attention and resources. You merely mention only one child being removed from the home. From that to me (not saying I am correct), you seem so out of touch to all the other ways a family can be impacted by CPS. What would make more sense to me would be, what were the investigation outcomes? How many ruled out? How many reasons to believe? Any administrative closures? Now, let me be clear. I do not need the answers to these questions. I do not want to discuss them really. I am just saying this post screams to me - not in touch. Or maybe this is all facts for your area but it's not the norm.
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blurnette989
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Post by blurnette989 on May 10, 2024 9:18:45 GMT -6
I should add, one thing that makes me feel more comfortable with reporting is that I've made many, many reports over the course of my career, & I do receive follow-up information on what happens as a result of those reports, & out of all of them only one child was ever removed from the home. And that was an active sexual abuse situation. So I've seen & have real evidence that it's quite rare for them to remove a child from the home, & so I'm more likely to look at making a report as bringing attention & resources to a situation, because at least in my area that is typically what happens. And I wouldn't want that child taken away, but it could be helpful for the mom to potentially get some parenting resources & support. Your experience with CPS will not be the same as with other communities. Your experience with CPS is nothing like the experiences I have had working in the legal systems of Virginia or New York. And I am sure my experiences do not reflect a number of other communities. Most states have fairly vague laws with regard to the definition of neglect and abuse, so the implementation of the laws can change and vary drastically, even over time within the same communities. I say all this just because CPS is not where my brain jumps right away. Not based on what has been described.
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origami
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Post by origami on May 10, 2024 9:26:18 GMT -6
Having just listened to a keynote from the federal commissioner of the ACF yesterday, the vast majority of cps removals are for neglect, effect BIPOC communities disproportionately, and the vast vast vast majority of that “neglect” is actually just the effects of poverty. Those were the words from the top dog of cps herself who actually has some power to change that in rules but not in perceptions and biases of state systems and case workers.
CPS is dangerous for poor people, communities of color, and immigrants and refugees. And reporting isn’t In a vacuum. There are such strained and limited resources that reporting for everything is actually harmful for children suffering legitimate abuse because their cases are slower to being addressed.
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Post by lifesaverz on May 10, 2024 12:46:56 GMT -6
I should add, one thing that makes me feel more comfortable with reporting is that I've made many, many reports over the course of my career, & I do receive follow-up information on what happens as a result of those reports, & out of all of them only one child was ever removed from the home. And that was an active sexual abuse situation. So I've seen & have real evidence that it's quite rare for them to remove a child from the home, & so I'm more likely to look at making a report as bringing attention & resources to a situation, because at least in my area that is typically what happens. And I wouldn't want that child taken away, but it could be helpful for the mom to potentially get some parenting resources & support. I don't really want to go into this conversation, but this post here - it really doesn't mean anything to me. I don't know where you have worked and reported as in the area, as in knowing the population and demographics. For the life of me, I have never heard of anyone looking at CPS as attention and resources. You merely mention only one child being removed from the home. From that to me (not saying I am correct), you seem so out of touch to all the other ways a family can be impacted by CPS. What would make more sense to me would be, what were the investigation outcomes? How many ruled out? How many reasons to believe? Any administrative closures? Now, let me be clear. I do not need the answers to these questions. I do not want to discuss them really. I am just saying this post screams to me - not in touch. Or maybe this is all facts for your area but it's not the norm. Well yes, I wasn't speaking directly to you. You are welcome to speak on your experience, same as me. I'm just saying that in my long experience in being a mandated reporter, what I have seen & experienced is that the goal of CPS is not to take children away, it is to provide supports so that the child is safely able to stay with the family. I'm not saying I don't see the potential problems within the system (there are many), or the other effects on the family of being reported. I fully understand that & have gone through that process with families many times. I was speaking to the larger goal of keeping the kid safe though, & saying that CPS could possibly be helpful with that. I'm also open to the fact that there may be even more issues with CPS in other areas.
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Post by Sweetjane on May 10, 2024 14:19:55 GMT -6
I don't really want to go into this conversation, but this post here - it really doesn't mean anything to me. I don't know where you have worked and reported as in the area, as in knowing the population and demographics. For the life of me, I have never heard of anyone looking at CPS as attention and resources. You merely mention only one child being removed from the home. From that to me (not saying I am correct), you seem so out of touch to all the other ways a family can be impacted by CPS. What would make more sense to me would be, what were the investigation outcomes? How many ruled out? How many reasons to believe? Any administrative closures? Now, let me be clear. I do not need the answers to these questions. I do not want to discuss them really. I am just saying this post screams to me - not in touch. Or maybe this is all facts for your area but it's not the norm. Well yes, I wasn't speaking directly to you. You are welcome to speak on your experience, same as me. I'm just saying that in my long experience in being a mandated reporter, what I have seen & experienced is that the goal of CPS is not to take children away, it is to provide supports so that the child is safely able to stay with the family. I'm not saying I don't see the potential problems within the system (there are many), or the other effects on the family of being reported. I fully understand that & have gone through that process with families many times. I was speaking to the larger goal of keeping the kid safe though, & saying that CPS could possibly be helpful with that. I'm also open to the fact that there may be even more issues with CPS in other areas. Yes, please be open to the fact that CPS/DHEC/DFCS/DHHS is different everywhere. These are state agencies, not federal ones. They do not operate the same and your experience is just yours.
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Post by lifesaverz on May 11, 2024 15:58:26 GMT -6
Well yes, I wasn't speaking directly to you. You are welcome to speak on your experience, same as me. I'm just saying that in my long experience in being a mandated reporter, what I have seen & experienced is that the goal of CPS is not to take children away, it is to provide supports so that the child is safely able to stay with the family. I'm not saying I don't see the potential problems within the system (there are many), or the other effects on the family of being reported. I fully understand that & have gone through that process with families many times. I was speaking to the larger goal of keeping the kid safe though, & saying that CPS could possibly be helpful with that. I'm also open to the fact that there may be even more issues with CPS in other areas. Yes, please be open to the fact that CPS/DHEC/DFCS/DHHS is different everywhere. These are state agencies, not federal ones. They do not operate the same and your experience is just yours. Yes I fully acknowledge that. That's why I said "at least in my area this is what would happen". That would make me feel comfortable to report it here, because I know how it goes here. Obviously I can't speak to other areas.
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Post by dontstopbelievin on May 15, 2024 16:41:41 GMT -6
If I don’t know the mom, I’m not saying anything to her, but I’m definitely going to the coaches or the organization and reporting it. That language and behavior is not appropriate around my children and if they don’t get it to end immediately, my child would be pulled from the program. I may be extra sensitive to the language based on having a child with a learning disability, but my kids aren’t going to be on sports teams at this age with anything other than supportive parents.
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