Sibling Rivalry / Jealousy

[sudsy]

Does anyone have any tips or resources for sibling rivalry and how to manage it? I have always made sure that everything (attention, gifts, praise, etc) is super equal between my two kids because I know it's always been an issue. Think counting Christmas presents to make sure everyone gets the same amount. The jealousy and acting out that is coming from my DD is escalating and I’m trying to find ways to make it better. She has literally said to me “you love DS more than me”, and I don’t know where this is coming from other than the fact that DS is 2 years younger and needs more assistance from time to time. He’s also always been more affectionate, since day 1, and DD doesn’t like a lot of physical care.

It doesn’t help that I’m alone, so we all have to agree on activities together, and the moments I have when I can do solo outings is super limited. Even when i have the chance, the jealousy only calms down temporarily. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong or what I've done to make her think I don't love her equally.

[mapleme]

Have you checked out Siblings Without Rivalry?

My sister and I did not get along as children and while we get along as adults, we don't have a close relationship at all (in spite of having totally compatible personalities - if we met as strangers we would get along great). I didn't want that for my kids, so when I found I was pregnant a second time I started reading that book and I feel strongly that it has made a huge difference in my daughters' relationship. Honestly it's been so long since I read the book that I can't even really pull out any specific lessons that were from that book vs other general parenting books that I read when they were little. But I do remember them talking about *not* making everything perfectly equal, as that can make things worse.

[sudsy]

Mar 17, 2024 9:14:22 GMT -6 mapleme said:

Have you checked out Siblings Without Rivalry?

My sister and I did not get along as children and while we get along as adults, we don't have a close relationship at all (in spite of having totally compatible personalities - if we met as strangers we would get along great). I didn't want that for my kids, so when I found I was pregnant a second time I started reading that book and I feel strongly that it has made a huge difference in my daughters' relationship. Honestly it's been so long since I read the book that I can't even really pull out any specific lessons that were from that book vs other general parenting books that I read when they were little. But I do remember them talking about *not* making everything perfectly equal, as that can make things worse.

I will definitely check that out. Thank you for the rec!

[sudsy]

I was an only child, so sibling dynamics is kind of foreign to me.

[FlightView]

My youngest would make comments like that. Especially if I was holding DS, I would tell her that I have one arm for each kid and invite her in for a snug.

[AmyG]

Somewhere along the way you have to introduce the idea of equity not equal. When she was little she got help with xyz because she needed it. Now she's able to do these other things that are for bigger kids. Her gifts at xmas will start to look smaller but that's cause she doesn't want a million big blocks she wants a cell phone or earbuds etc.
But she gets what she needs and he gets what he needs but the needs are never exactly the same for siblings. Love and caring from you is the same level but how you can show it to each of them is almost always gonna be different because they are different. It's also a sign of being the older kid that things feel differently so the jealousy is often really wanting for a simpler time as her younger sibling hss for her as she grows up and has bigger feelings and the world becomes bigger for her.

[coffeecake]

I don’t know how old your kids are, but I agree with letting her stay up a little later to spend some one on one time with you. My DD and I will watch shows together some nights without her younger brother and it’s fun to have a series for the two of us to watch together.

It’s hard to balance the attention and I’m sure even harder as a single parent. My DS has always required a lot of attention, while my DD is more go with the flow and just a quieter person. I do sometimes feel like I spend more time with him because of his personality and she has made comments about it. You’re not doing anything wrong, this stuff is hard!

[roselab]

We talk a lot in our house about fair not being the same as equal, and that because dd and ds are different kids, they have different needs and wants, so we parent them differently to try to meet those needs, but we try to keep it fair even if it's not equal. I like the example of going to a candy store and telling them they can each pick out 1 piece of candy within reason (if they are old enough to understand within reason). Would it be fair if we picked out what they got and made them pick them same thing just so it would be equal? Esp. if they like really different things? But it also wouldn't be fair if 1 picked a GIANT chocolate bar (like bigger than they can carry) and the other picked a little lollipop. But if dd wants this pack of gummies, and ds wants this pack of chocolates that is similarly sized but happens to cost $1 more, is that fair even if it's technically not equal? This works for us because they have really different taste in candy and really LIKE candy and would rather get what they actually want than care if they are spending the exact same amount.
But it carries over to more intense stuff too. At times each kid needs more attention than the other depending on what they are dealing with, so they have come to be understanding about that and not get jealous of the other. Dd still has trouble with ds not wanting to spend as much time with her now that he's older, but that's a different issue.

[imapenguin]

+whatever to exhaustively talking about fair vs equal in our house. I also think have DD1 “help” the younger two whenever she’s able makes her feel like she is getting some special privileges and them like they are getting special attention.

[piratecat]

You’re a good mom so don’t think of it as anything you did wrong. Sibling dynamics are hard.

In addition to all the advice above, I regularly talk to them individually about how hard it is to have a sibling. I think it helps for them to feel seen and to know that they’re not alone in those feelings.

[trueblue]

For starters I think it’s a sign that she is continuing on her path of self awareness, as much as it sucks

Another mom weighing in on fair v equal, my kids are tired of me saying that fair is something that comes to town once a year (as in THE fair). When my kids get on a ‘not equal treatment’ tangent I point out all the things the older kid is allowed to do that older kid really enjoys that the younger is not and ask if they want to go back to that life where they can’t do those things (they do not). I also use those times as a springboard for a conversation that it’s easy to reach a point where you take for granted what someone else does for you and just see what they are doing for others.

That being said can you start alternating who gets to pick the family activity so it isn’t being perceived as being controlled by one family member (with the clear admonition that if the non choosing party complains or makes it a miserable experience they lose their next pick and you decide what gets done (aka chores)); let the older one have a few more privileges that she helps select (which also will help with discipline if needed because you know she values); let her stay up 30 minutes later, etc?

[mapleme]

Oh, also one thing that we have done that has been amazing to balance "fair" in our house is "Day of Firsts." My kids were constantly fighting over who got to go first for everything. Even things that they didn't want to do. So a couple years ago we created alternating day of firsts. C goes first for everything on one day and M goes first for everything the next day. It's been truly amazing. We actually mark it all out on the calendar so that no one needs to remember. My kids are 100% fine with being second if they know that tomorrow they will get to be first. It's not an existential answer to sibling dynamics, but it eliminated multiple battles a day.

[agm04]

we've been navigating the same issue in our house with our 9 and 6 year old girls. we had our youngest in therapy for a few months, and her therapist emphasized that me trying so hard to make things equal was probably part of the problem (which was news to me...my parents always did that and something they did worked). but like others have said, talking about the fact that they're different kids with different needs means they will get different things has been helpful and i think is starting to sink in.

ultimately, i understand that the root of the problem is that they have some unmet need(s) and they're doing their best to communicate that. even just asking "what makes you feel loved?" and trying to focus on doing that specific thing has been helpful - and that thing can definitely change from week to week. for us it's been a 2 steps forward/1 step back situation, but it feels so good to see things working.

understanding the rivalry has been HARD for me, because my sister and i have gotten along my entire life. i don't remember ever resenting her and she's always been so nice to me. it bothers me so much when my kids are at each others' throats all the time, bc i want that closeness for them, too...but i can't force it.

[lifesaverz]

Others have given great advice, I really like the equitable but not equal thing, as well as recognizing the unmet need that the child who is jealous may have. We have a bit of the same issue on occasion with my DD, who is 10, being jealous of my DS, who is 7, & similar dynamic you described in that my youngest is more affectionate, while my DD is not. We do have certain things we try to make fair, such as they switch off every other time who goes "first" in the shower, like another PP mentioned, & we rotate who picks the movie for our movie nights. We do allow my DD to stay up later than my DS.

One of the best things I've done I think is that this past year I started doing a "chat time" with each kid at bedtime, where I will spend 15 minutes or so per kid just sitting on their bed & chatting. Or sometimes we'll work on something together while we chat, like a puzzle. But I've noticed the 15 minutes is not enough for my DD, as she would be upset when it ends, so I just spend longer with her, usually about 30 minutes. I don't think my DS even notices, but it means a lot to my DD, so I do that for her. I feel it has improved our connection.

They both have big needs sometimes as my DD is autistic, & my son has hearing loss & wears hearing aids, & I think for both of them their needs outshine the others' at times, so I'm always trying to be cognizant of that, & trying to let them know they will both get what they need. Because my DS & I are more similar (both have ADHD, & both like affection), I also try to be extra cognizant to point out to my DD the things I love about her, even though we're different, & that you don't have to be just like me for me to love you, if that makes sense.