sudsy
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Post by sudsy on Feb 21, 2024 18:03:39 GMT -6
I received a letter from DD’s school today that someone in her 4th grade class died. It was suicide. A newly 10 year old girl committed suicide last night. According to DD, they haven’t said much. Just that parents got an email and they would talk more about it tomorrow. Not even that someone died. The school stated they have a crisis team in place that will be working with students. So far, all I’ve said to DD was that a student passed away. At the time, that was all the info I knew. I didn’t have a name to provide her. I still don’t. Now I’m finding out via our county scanner that the girl lived in the subdivision next to mine and likely would have ridden the bus with DD for the past couple of years.
I don’t know how to navigate this. Do I tell her it was suicide before she goes to school tomorrow and hears other people talking? How the hell do I explain this to a 9 year old? I’m a mess thinking of the parents, thinking of the teachers, thinking of the kids. How does this happen?
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AmyG
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Post by AmyG on Feb 21, 2024 18:31:33 GMT -6
Didn't want to read and not reply. Hugs to you.
I'd try to reach out to school counselor or other expert for advice. Maybe someone with that training will weigh in here but it's been kinda slow.
We had a 11 year old scout situation. We are ones who told the school. They brought counselors to school and scouts. We tried to tell parents enough info without compromising the child's privacy. But it hit the news and some children scouts knew and spread the details.
Personally I would try to tell my child to get ahead of it all. But it's such a hard conversation.
Check online hospice resources for how children process death and grief differently by how old they are. That info helps you to know which direction their thoughts are likely to go and how much to share. Answer questions they ask as honestly as you can. I don't know is an honest answer.
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byjove
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Post by byjove on Feb 21, 2024 18:44:14 GMT -6
I think that you should be honest with her and explain that this usually comes from a place of depression. She needs to know what to do if a friend were ever to come to her with suicidal thoughts or if she is ever feeling them herself. It is heart wrenching, but all too common by 9. We had to deal with it with a friend of DD1’s in 4th grade last year (confiding to DD she had plans to unalive herself) and also with self harm with DD1 at age 9 as well last summer.
Be as frank as you can while keeping it age appropriate (it can’t be a secret, it is an emergency, tell a trusted grown up, etc).
I feel for her family 💔💔💔
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jaygee
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Post by jaygee on Feb 21, 2024 18:56:49 GMT -6
I’m so sorry. What an unimaginable loss for your community.
There are no right answers but I always try to speak to my kid first so I can give him the message I want him to hear before he hears what others say. I’m hopeful the school messaging will be solid but worry about the other kids and what they hear and repeat from their families.
You might want to start by googling explaining suicide to elementary aged children and see if there are videos or articles that can guide you.
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fire
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Post by fire on Feb 21, 2024 19:23:09 GMT -6
I think I would let the school/crisis team tell her. The crisis team is trained for that and they will be supporting the school staff in their messaging. I would let her know that if any of the details she learns tomorrow are upsetting to her that you will gladly come get her. And I would be ready for a converstation when she gets home to answer quwstiongs and tell her all the things I think she should know about sucide, why, to speak to someone if she needs to etc. Kids are going to talk whether it be on the bus tomorrow or 3 days from now. I wouldn't want to put the burden on my kid to have to not talk about it herself on the bus or to friends etc. I also wouldn't want to have the convo at this point in the evening when my kids were 10 (bedtime) and definitely not before putting them on the bus to school in the morning.
I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here. My kids are older so it is hard to know what I would do at 10. Hell at 15 I questions what I would do. You know your kid best. There is nothing in the parenting manual about this stuff. Big hug to you as you navigate through all of this with your daughter and your community.
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Post by yellow711 on Feb 21, 2024 19:32:10 GMT -6
Sadly, we had to tell our 10 year old earlier this week about our neighbor dying by suicide.
It was one of the hardest conversations we have had with her. I know your situation is different due to a classmate.
Feel free to DM me and I can share with you the booklet that was helpful for us to use as guidance for talking to her
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Post by coffeecake on Feb 21, 2024 19:34:03 GMT -6
This is heartbreaking. I am so sorry you have to navigate this with your daughter and for this little girl and her family. I also have a fourth grader. I am torn on what I would do. If I had this talk with my DS at night, I don’t think he would be able to sleep. I would probably either try to have a conversation in the morning or wait until she gets home tomorrow, even though that leaves her hearing about it at school. I honestly don’t know the best way, but I don’t think I could put it on my kid right before bedtime.
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trueblue
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Post by trueblue on Feb 21, 2024 19:45:19 GMT -6
I have typed and deleted a few responses because they just didn’t sound right. First I am so so sorry you are in this situation. I would likely withhold the cause of death and identity of the child tonight unless specifically asked. If possible I would drop your kids off at school tomorrow to avoid the bus chatter and give the school a call to find out a) what was told to the kids and b) what resources the school has for parents to talk to their kids about this.
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rvasc
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Post by rvasc on Feb 21, 2024 19:53:30 GMT -6
This happened when I was in fifth grade.
It is horrible. It is the very worst thing. Those parents. It’s awful.
But yes, I would be honest. I found out before my mom did because in the 90s sometimes things happened like that, and I wish I did not find out the way that I did.
I went to the service and I am still glad that I did. It was not a good friend of mine but it was my best friend’s “boyfriend,” and he was a lovely boy. It felt respectful to his family.
One thing that happened to us is that they sent the custodians to get his desk like a week after he died, and we all kind of burst into tears. I doubt that would happen now.
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sudsy
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Post by sudsy on Feb 21, 2024 19:54:46 GMT -6
So far, I’ve told her about the death and had a very serious conversation about going to me or someone she trusts if she is feeling overwhelmingly sad or hopeless or angry and unsure of what to do. I told her I love her and that nothing will ever change that, that I love being her mom and I would always be here for her. Then I started crying and felt like I was too emotional to say anything more right now. I want to talk about suicide, bullying, what to do if a friend says they want to hurt themselves, but I could tell she wasn’t focused enough to have that kind of long talk. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I should have pushed. She’s such an anxious kid, and I’ve been making huge strides with her. I just didn’t want to overload her before she goes to sleep. I’ll see what the teachers say tomorrow. Unfortunately she’s with her dad this weekend, but maybe I could have a talk on Sunday to check in.
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klw
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Post by klw on Feb 21, 2024 19:59:42 GMT -6
I really have no advice but, I think what you said was fine. Hugs to you all. ❤️
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byjove
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Post by byjove on Feb 21, 2024 20:10:13 GMT -6
Hugs ❤️❤️ I don’t think you necessarily needed to push. You know yourself and your kid. You can continue at another time.
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Post by GhoatMonket on Feb 21, 2024 20:10:37 GMT -6
I think you did great sudsy and recognizing how much she's able to process/pay attention is important. You hit the top points- it can be an ongoing thing that leads to other topics. I will second amy's suggestion about hospice services for how to talk to them at their age or even to find other resources. Social workers at hospitals are also good about this and may also have suggestions on other resources that might be somewhere that you/she can reach quickly.
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thatgolfb
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Post by thatgolfb on Feb 21, 2024 20:22:11 GMT -6
I’m so incredibly sorry. How awful. I think I would personally talk to my daughter first. Not to say that is the correct answer, because I don’t know what is.
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Post by thechickencoop on Feb 21, 2024 20:52:59 GMT -6
Sudsy, you're doing great. I don't have any advice but I'm so so sorry.
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tinyjoys
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Post by tinyjoys on Feb 21, 2024 20:56:23 GMT -6
I am so sorry, but you’re doing great, suds. It’s okay, even healthy, for your children to see you experience emotions. You are an amazing mom and they are lucky to have you. You opened the line of communication, even if it feels like you cut it short.
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jorkzy
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Post by jorkzy on Feb 21, 2024 21:00:28 GMT -6
Omg how awful. I’m so sorry. I think you did great in starting that convo with her. It can be an ongoing conversation for sure, and she might continue to bring it up for months/years (I know my 10yo would, processing things in his own time).
Hugs
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rvasc
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Post by rvasc on Feb 21, 2024 21:03:34 GMT -6
You know her best. You gave her what she could handle in the moment. You’re doing great. I found out about the death from another kid, and that was, frankly, terrible. It was during Sunday school too, so I couldn’t ask any questions or discuss it because none of the other people in my class knew the child who died, and I was too shy to ask to go to my mom. I just sat there thinking it couldn’t be true until we got home and my mom asked me what I heard. I would much rather my mom had told me.i don’t think it would have mattered to find out how. I feel for that class and teacher. It is one of the hardest things I’ve been through, honestly. Classes are like little families. We were so sad. We talked a lot about feeling like we could have stopped him, so maybe watch for that if she already has anxiety. There can be a lot of guilt with suicide. The dougy center has great resources for grieving kids. www.dougy.org/resources/audience/parents-caregivers?how=suicide&who=friend&type=
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jaygee
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Post by jaygee on Feb 21, 2024 21:57:40 GMT -6
I think you did a good job in a super tough situation. It’s perfectly appropriate to treat it as an ongoing conversation. Especially at her age.
I forgot earlier to share some advice that’s always stuck with me about talking to kids about tough things. After you’ve told them the information, ask if they have any questions to gauge if they need more info or if they are content and need to process before getting more. Then follow up in a bit (depends on the situation how long to go in between) and see if they have any questions and if you have more to say, continue. I think a lot of times we as adults over explain or give too much information and we need to consider how much kids can absorb at once. And also recognize that if something is info they really need, they will likely ask because they aren’t as ashamed of questions as adults can be.
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tinyjoys
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Post by tinyjoys on Feb 22, 2024 5:37:00 GMT -6
It’s also okay to not have all the answers right now. You’re both experiencing something for the first & it’s hard in a positive situation, let alone this.
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kayc
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Post by kayc on Feb 22, 2024 6:29:37 GMT -6
Hugs sudsy. I don’t have much advice except to keep doing what you’re doing. Talk with DD openly and honestly and just be there for her (which is obvious that you are ❤️).
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roselab
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Post by roselab on Feb 22, 2024 6:59:53 GMT -6
I'm so sorry. I think what you said was fine. I always try to follow my kids' leads when having tough conversations. I give them the needed information as factually as possible, but then I leave it open to if they have questions or want to discuss anything about anything related to it. And I make sure they know that can be anytime, it doesn't have to be right then. And I accept their responses and how they want to deal with it. My ds tends to accept things at face value and then not want to talk about them. But my dd will come back with questions at random times that let me know if she's still thinking about something and it's affecting her.
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McBenny
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Post by McBenny on Feb 22, 2024 8:07:09 GMT -6
Unfortunately, I have been in this position. I take the questions and comments as they come. This is what I have done so far. Unfortunately, my children have lost a few classmates. I would just ask her if she has any questions or concerns about it and just go from there.
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Post by rhymeswithdisco on Feb 22, 2024 8:52:13 GMT -6
A very dear friend of mine died by suicide last fall and I had a conversation about it with my 4th grader. We discussed that she was sick and that she was not able to overcome her illness and she died. We talked about trusted adults to talk to about how we are feeling and the importance of taking kids seriously when they are feeling sad or hopeless or anxious.
Sending love to you and your kiddo as you navigate this and love to the family as they navigate this.
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McBenny
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#sickomode
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Post by McBenny on Feb 22, 2024 9:06:22 GMT -6
I think the talk should entail more than feelings of sadness. I think it should cover thoughts of self harm specifically as well. People with mental illness often get intrusive thoughts of self harm. Age appropriate of course.
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wedding
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Post by wedding on Feb 22, 2024 9:13:18 GMT -6
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. It’s horrible.
**TW**
The summer before 3rd grade a teacher at Cs school died by suicide. We didn’t talk about it because it was summer break and she was a float teacher that I had never heard of before so I figured he didn’t know her. About a week into 3rd grade one of the 3rd grade teachers took her own life. She was good friends with the other teacher and jumped off the same bridge. Both teachers had been with the school for 20+ years.
School was canceled for a couple of days but they never said the teachers died by suicide. They just announced the death and that they would be giving the teachers counseling and then when back in school would offer individual counseling that parents could also attend.
C had a very hard time with this and I was honest about what happened and we discussed suicide, why people choose to do it, and what to do if he ever feels that way. The atmosphere as school was awful for a while since the other teachers were distraught and that was what bothered him most. He didn’t know either teacher well but he’s very empathetic and hates seeing others sad. I went to a counseling session with C and the counselor said the teacher passed away and C clarified that it was by suicide. The counselor shut him down and said that the family wanted to keep that private. Which I get, but everyone knew and to prevent them from discussing it with the counselor was ridiculous. We didn’t see another counselor but I had some numbers on hand in case I thought it would be necessary.
My friend has three girls with one being Cs age, 8 at the time, and did not say how the teacher died. Instead the girls heard at school and were given a lot of false and sensationalized information that my friend then needed to address. I felt that I made the right decision with being honest at the forefront and opening up the conversation.
That was super long but I hope it helps in some way.
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Post by icedcoffee on Feb 22, 2024 9:32:29 GMT -6
I think you handled it well.
Last school year a 5th grader at my kids school died of an overdose. I thought the school would use that opportunity to talk about drugs, etc but they did not. So I had to have my own talk with my kids because while it was wild to think about, obviously kids their age are exposed to drugs, and untrue rumors were circulating like wildfire. I was disappointed in the school but maybe the parents requested it be that way because the news was pretty tight lipped about the situation as well (I know someone adjacent to the family). So who knows.
Suicide at that age is absolutely heartbreaking to think about. I'm so sorry for your community's loss
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McBenny
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#sickomode
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Post by McBenny on Feb 22, 2024 10:14:39 GMT -6
Dupe
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AmyG
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Post by AmyG on Feb 22, 2024 10:38:48 GMT -6
As said above, the official word from school may be only that they died. And any discussion of suicide may be shut down because the school may treat it as personal private info or that its too hard of a conversation to have well with hundreds of kids all at a different place in their ability to understand that situation and what it means conversation. I hope that it will be better than that but be prepared as best you can.
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Post by microworm on Feb 22, 2024 12:16:01 GMT -6
Didn't want to read and not comment. How devastating. I don't have advice because this has not come up for us yet, though my oldest is in 4th grade as well.
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