If you or your partner decided to SAH

[poppyc8]

cassafrass" I'm a stay at home mom who used to work full time. I find being a stay at home mom to be just as hard as working if not more. here are a few notes about staying at home :

-Do the math upfront and make sure it works for your family (it sounds like you have already done this)

-don't expect him staying at home to make your relationship less stressful or give you more time together unless you have a plan mapped out ahead of time to make that happen (i.e. Someone to baby sit during the week or weekend for you to have a date night or free time on the weekends)

-decide in advance if he will also be responsible for cleaning the house and dinner. What are both your expectations on those areas?

-decide what your bedtime routine will look like now that your roles will change.

I find the hardest thing I encounter is on the weekends I need a break from the kids from being around them all day and I crave independent time. my H also needs a break after sitting at a computer all day. so most of our arguments are when we don't talk in advance about what our weekends will look like.

[Cher]

cassafrass, I think what works for everyone will be different but I still have my own account for some of my purchases. I budget an amount from MH's salary and put it in my account. I don't use it for everything, we also have a joint checking account, but I use it here and there. I consider it good for MH's stress level. He really doesn't need to know how often I get my lashes done.

That said, prior to SAH, we had totally different accounts. We paid bills separately. He opened a joint account for us and the few times I withdrew money from it, I would pay it back, which drove him crazy. But I'm generally someone who prefers to have my own finances, so even though we have a joint checking that we actually use now and we pay bills together, I need to have my own account, its good for my stress levels too. MH lovingly refers to it as my "escape fund".

[cassafrass]

Jun 3, 2017 19:32:31 GMT -6 milliegrace said:

Jun 3, 2017 19:24:05 GMT -6 cassafrass said:

So, sort of related question, but how do you handle spending money with one income? We've never just had one income before - even when I was in grad school I had a fellowship and my own separate account.

Right now we both put $ in the joint accounts for bills and savings and then use the remainder in our own accounts for gas, lunches, coffee, whatever.

Well. When you stay at home you actually need a lot less spending money.

I mean more like the logistics of it, just one joint account cs transferring money to his own account?

[cassafrass]

Jun 3, 2017 19:34:43 GMT -6 Cher said:

cassafrass, I think what works for everyone will be different but I still have my own account for some of my purchases. I budget an amount from MH's salary and put it in my account. I don't use it for everything, we also have a joint checking account, but I use it here and there. I consider it good for MH's stress level. He really doesn't need to know how often I get my lashes done.

That said, prior to SAH, we had totally different accounts. We paid bills separately. He opened a joint account for us and the few times I withdrew money from it, I would pay it back, which drove him crazy. But I'm generally someone who prefers to have my own finances, so even though we have a joint checking that we actually use now and we pay bills together, I need to have my own account, its good for my stress levels too. MH lovingly refers to it as my "escape fund".

This seems like a really good system. I don't want him to feel weird about some random fun spending here and there as long as it's within budget. He also has a semi-successful Etsy shop and a paypal card attached to it that is his alone. I think allocating a predetermined amount of money per month then just transferring it over automatically is probably the best route for us.

[Cher]

cassafrass, it works really well for us. I put my Ebates and my ThredUp cash in there too. Sometimes, I go months without using it. Sometimes, its all I use. But I like having an account that nobody sees but me. Because, sometimes, you need to go to the Starbucks drive-thru two times in one day, judgement-free.

[cinnamonlatte]

I started staying home after my second was born. Our daycare lady decided to retire and instead of finding a new daycare it made more sense to stay home. I would have only been making a few hundred dollars a month after daycare for both kids. I had about an hour commute each way and we ate out often since it was hard to make dinner after work.

My husband has a pretty stressful job, and it is very nice for him not having to worry about leaving work early to pick up the kids.

I watch my friend's two kids four days a week, which is not ideal for me, but nice to have the extra income. I think it might be helpful to sit down and figure out who will be responsible for what around the house. Is he going to cook during the week, clean, grocery shop etc.? Also that both of you understand that after work hours both of you are sharing the parenting.

[cassafrass]

Jun 3, 2017 19:44:35 GMT -6 Cher said:

cassafrass, it works really well for us. I put my Ebates and my ThredUp cash in there too. Sometimes, I go months without using it. Sometimes, its all I use. But I like having an account that nobody sees but me. Because, sometimes, you need to go to the Starbucks drive-thru two times in one day, judgement-free.

Lollll who even does that?

::nervous laughter::

[milliegrace]

Jun 3, 2017 19:40:16 GMT -6 cassafrass said:

Jun 3, 2017 19:32:31 GMT -6 milliegrace said:

Well. When you stay at home you actually need a lot less spending money.

I mean more like the logistics of it, just one joint account cs transferring money to his own account?

Keep separate personal accounts, maybe have an agreed upon amount budgeted for each of you to have spending money each week. I'm kidding that coffee and lunch money won't so much be a thing anymore but everyone deserves a little pool they can pull from without feeling guilty.

[milliegrace]

Or, everything that Cher said.

[poppyc8]

cassafrass I find I spend less money because I'm not commuting to work anymore so I save on gas and I tend to have coffee at home and use our groceries to pack a lunch for myself and the kids where as before I spent a ton of money on Starbucks on my way to work.

We also had separate accounts when I worked full time and now we have one account. It was different at first to have one account but now I'm used to it.

[Cher]

Jun 3, 2017 19:50:34 GMT -6 milliegrace said:

Or, everything that Cher said.

Just a good rule in general.

[bridge]

This has been such a great thread for me. I've always wanted to stay home. When I was asked as a kid what I wanted to be when I get up I would say "a mom". That said, going back to work after DS has been great for my sanity. I have a very professional career that I have worked hard for, and when we start TFAS I know that I'll have to start thinking about what I want to do. I'm very fortunate that, for me, it's a choice.

Basically, part of me wants to stay home, part of me wants to go back to work. Lots to think about. Thank you for this thread.

[silvermelody]

I'll add that I have more education and time invested in my career, and I didn't want to give that up. So that was definitely a factor. DH has been doing random ass jobs (mostly sales) for the last decade, so he wasn't throwing away a long tenure at a good company.

[dc2london]

I was a teacher in a public school before I had children. I loved my job, and I was good at it, but let's be real--public school teachers don't exactly roll in the cash. And that's ok, I knew that going in. I could have kept working and put one child in day care and still brought home some money, but the minute we had to put two kids in day care my pay would have become a wash.
I really wanted to stay home. I felt that I could be my best self as a stay at home parent. I was content being at home with him all day, running the household and going to play dates or Gymboree. I didn't feel like I was missing out by not being in the workforce. I was, and still am, happy hanging out with my kiddos all day.
That's an important question any potential stay-at-home-parent has to ask him or herself: Am I content to run the household all day, every day? There's no right or wrong, better or worse answer. It's just an individual choice. The minutiae of running a household can be dull as hell or a welcome challenge. It really comes down to the individual parent and family and their needs.

When we neared the end of my maternity leave it was a bit of a leap of faith to tell my principal I wasn't coming back. Logically, I knew that my H made enough money to support us, but it was going to require a few adjustments in how we spent (e.g. less dining out, a cheaper cable plan). We discussed the areas we could cut costs and how comfortable we were with those cuts. For our family, we decided, the right choice was for me to leave my job and become a SAHM.

As for the sole breadwinner thing, it's stressful. It doesn't keep my H up at night or anything, but he is definitely aware of the responsibility he carries as the income earner for our family. There are considerations there, like slightly more bold career moves he might make if he weren't the sole breadwinner. He might choose to practice on his own if he didn't have to provide the pay and healthcare for a family of 5, but that's not really an option for him right now, KWIM?

Don't minimize how much of a mess children can make during the day. I wash dishes three times a day. I sweep my kitchen three times a day. I mop parts of the kitchen daily. When they are in your home rather than a daycare, they are trashing your home, rather than a day care.

However, for my family, having me stay at home works so well. So very well. I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity. If your H thinks he would be happy as a SAHM, I'd say go for it. The things you described as current struggles (e.g. meal planning, conflicting work schedules, no quality time with your spouse or the family as a whole) would be more manageable with him SAH. As long as you are ok with your role as the income earner, and he is comfortable with his role as the SAHP (and that doesn't mean the only parent or default parent, it means the parent that stays at home during the work day), I would say go for it.

[cassafrass]

I knew you all would have great suggestions and stories. I really appreciate all the feedback!!

[dc2london]

god it's so hard to discuss this topic diplomatically. I'm always eager to convey how much I love staying at home with my children but hesitant to prescribe that as a universal choice or solution

[pumpkin]

Jun 3, 2017 19:24:05 GMT -6 cassafrass said:

So, sort of related question, but how do you handle spending money with one income? We've never just had one income before - even when I was in grad school I had a fellowship and my own separate account.

Right now we both put $ in the joint accounts for bills and savings and then use the remainder in our own accounts for gas, lunches, coffee, whatever.

We've only ever had one account, so nothing really changed. I tell him how much is left after bills and groceries and he always texts me if he needs to spend more than $10 for lunch or whatnot (not for permission, more as a "hey, we've got $xx in the account, right?")

[sven]

I decided to not go back to work after maternity leave. I had a long commute, made less than half what MH makes and it was soul sucking awful job.

That being said, SAH is not what I thought it would be. I've found it to be really difficult to balance everything I consider to be "my job." Most of that is me not knowing how much work having a child would be and having unrealistic expectations of myself. I'm still figuring it out but I am grateful for the flexibility we have. Also for me, not having to mentally worry about anything except taking care of myself and my family has been very valuable and I think I'm the end our household runs a lot smoother than it would if I worked outside the home.

In terms of money, we are on a very strict budget. I had his paycheck sent to my account and I handle bills and everything from there. We get a cash allowance each month that we can both use for whatever we want. He has a Craigslist buy and sell business that he uses his own account for and can do whatever he wants with that money. Also, he doesn't get PTO so we always have to have a well stocked emergency fund.

[dc2london]

We don't use separate bank accounts bc that's just not how we operate. Basically if I'm going to make any sort of major purchase, I run it by him and we discuss it. He does the same. Pretty much if it's a single thing over $100, we talk about it first. It's usually just a, "Hey, we need this thing." "Ok, cool. Go buy it."
If it's new clothes for the kids, home improvement, kid activity fees/tuition, etc, no discussion is warranted.

[pumpkin]

Jun 3, 2017 20:04:17 GMT -6 dc2london said:

I was a teacher in a public school before I had children. I loved my job, and I was good at it, but let's be real--public school teachers don't exactly roll in the cash. And that's ok, I knew that going in. I could have kept working and put one child in day care and still brought home some money, but the minute we had to put two kids in day care my pay would have become a wash.
I really wanted to stay home. I felt that I could be my best self as a stay at home parent. I was content being at home with him all day, running the household and going to play dates or Gymboree. I didn't feel like I was missing out by not being in the workforce. I was, and still am, happy hanging out with my kiddos all day.
That's an important question any potential stay-at-home-parent has to ask him or herself: Am I content to run the household all day, every day? There's no right or wrong, better or worse answer. It's just an individual choice. The minutiae of running a household can be dull as hell or a welcome challenge. It really comes down to the individual parent and family and their needs.

When we neared the end of my maternity leave it was a bit of a leap of faith to tell my principal I wasn't coming back. Logically, I knew that my H made enough money to support us, but it was going to require a few adjustments in how we spent (e.g. less dining out, a cheaper cable plan). We discussed the areas we could cut costs and how comfortable we were with those cuts. For our family, we decided, the right choice was for me to leave my job and become a SAHM.

As for the sole breadwinner thing, it's stressful. It doesn't keep my H up at night or anything, but he is definitely aware of the responsibility he carries as the income earner for our family. There are considerations there, like slightly more bold career moves he might make if he weren't the sole breadwinner. He might choose to practice on his own if he didn't have to provide the pay and healthcare for a family of 5, but that's not really an option for him right now, KWIM?

Don't minimize how much of a mess children can make during the day. I wash dishes three times a day. I sweep my kitchen three times a day. I mop parts of the kitchen daily. When they are in your home rather than a daycare, they are trashing your home, rather than a day care.

However, for my family, having me stay at home works so well. So very well. I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity. If your H thinks he would be happy as a SAHM, I'd say go for it. The things you described as current struggles (e.g. meal planning, conflicting work schedules, no quality time with your spouse or the family as a whole) would be more manageable with him SAH. As long as you are ok with your role as the income earner, and he is comfortable with his role as the SAHP (and that doesn't mean the only parent or default parent, it means the parent that stays at home during the work day), I would say go for it.

Excellent point! It's not something people immediately consider when debating the do I stay or do I work topic. I am like you, I very much enjoy being at home and running the house. It's not always easy, but I feel like I am where I was meant to be (if that makes sense). 

[pumpkin]

dc2london, We are very much on the same page of this SAHM thing.

[Deleted]

We have always had a joint account. Most of the non bill spending is on a card I pay off every month, and he never really looks at that. He spends money for the businesses on a business card that I never check. We run large purchases by each other for home and business, but trust each other to manage our own "zones."

[Pistol]

I was working in a manufacturing plant when I had a m/c. When I got pregnant with R I had some difficulties and we decided it wasn't worth the risk for me to continue working there due to heavy lifting, minimum of 10 hours on my feet, etc. H had a good enough paying job that I didn't need to work so I quit. The kids are 3 and 4 and I'm trying to go back again now though. I'm probably a special snowflake on this tho.

[mb3]

I resigned one month after my twins were born. The major driving factor was childcare. Between both of our schedules we essentially needed childcare 7 days/week, 16 hours/day. (I worked rotating shifts and days, it was never consistent). Frankly, we couldn't afford childcare with two infants. My husband makes significantly more than I do and gets better benefits. Additionally, I was struggling pretty badly with PPA and really wasn't in any shape to be back at work when I would have needed to. I knew me returning to work wasn't going to be a sustainable option and so we made a clean break so that I resigned on good terms with my boss (who is known to carry grudges).
I ended up going back to work- for the exact same boss- in an extremely part time role after 2.5 years at home.

What I wish I had known beforehand:
The importance of making parent friends. I thought I needed to find people I shared common interests with. In the end I realized that sharing a common experience can be enough. They might not be your best friend but they'll get what you're going through as a parent.

What I think helped me was having a routine, making sure we got out of the house, and setting a rule that I got a shower every single day. No matter how late it is, I always get a shower. It helps me mentally.

[leahcar]

MH is a SAHD. We had initially planned for him to cut his hours and a month into maternity leave- it became apparent we would need more support. So he basically quit with my blessing.

My career has continued to grow in a way it couldn't without H's support. H is SO much happier and healthier. The social options for SAHDs are not as good as those for SAHMs. A lot of moms won't socialize with him. He gets most daytime social interaction from his gym and then a regular volunteer spot. That social interaction is so critical.

The only downsides for me, besides money, are stress. I freak out over ANY work issues because all our eggs are there. Still - this is the right move for us, for now.

[loony]

Jun 3, 2017 19:44:35 GMT -6 Cher said:

cassafrass, it works really well for us. I put my Ebates and my ThredUp cash in there too. Sometimes, I go months without using it. Sometimes, its all I use. But I like having an account that nobody sees but me. Because, sometimes, you need to go to the Starbucks drive-thru two times in one day, judgement-free.

I have one of these too.

We run an Airbnb, and while the main payment goes into the "house" account, the $75 cleaning fee goes into my own personal account. I also have been working very part time over the last two years and that money is basically "beer & pedicure" money.

We also had completely separate finances, and it's been a huge adjustment for me.

Even though he has no problem with me spending "house" money on things, I still feel guilty some times. But I also do the whole budget, so I know how much there is to spend...he's the one that gets chastised for spending usually.

[olenka]

My SO was a SAHD when my daughter was born til she was about 18 months. He was a drywall installer and made great money, but his body was giving out after doing it for 20 years and he hated it. He did pick up PT weekend work doing maintenance at my D's DC, in exchange for tuition payment. He's since gone back to work, but a totally different career.

[Minerva]

Jun 3, 2017 19:24:05 GMT -6 cassafrass said:

So, sort of related question, but how do you handle spending money with one income? We've never just had one income before - even when I was in grad school I had a fellowship and my own separate account.

Right now we both put $ in the joint accounts for bills and savings and then use the remainder in our own accounts for gas, lunches, coffee, whatever.

We were already putting all of our income in a joint account when I became a SAHP. We had several financial talks in the process of making the decision. We created a budget to make sure we could swing it that included monthly spending money for both of us. We also talked very explicitly about how even though I wouldn't be bringing in money, I was still contributing equally to the household and was an equal financial partner. Our talks were mostly a matter of reassuring my insecurities when we were transitioning to a single income household. At this point, we budget a bit more spending money for me than DH because I'm out and about with the kids most days, plus the pink tax means my stuff costs more.

[Deleted]

We have one joint account that we use, and each have our own credit cards. It works for us.

[betches]

I'll be honest, I haven't read the whole thread so I apologize if this has been mentioned eleventy times already, but I would have very candid discussions about what you two both expect from whoever SAH. Is their only job to keep the kids alive during the others business hours and all additional parenting and responsibilities split 50/50? Does the working parent expect some/all cleaning to be taken care of? I would also discuss having set breaks for the SAHP. Those were the two biggest hurdles we had to overcome once our daughter was born. In fact it took a full on breakdown when he didn't tell me about a work dinner for him to realize staying at home didn't mean not working

As for us, we decided I would SAH when we were starting to discuss TTC. We both had pretty demanding jobs that required lots of travel and it just wasn't feasible for both of us to maintain that schedule