WWYD? Grandma in hospital

[babybean]

MH’s 101 year old grandma fell on Christmas Eve and is in the hospital. She’s a 6+ hour drive away. She could be fine, but I know falls can be major for elderly people. I’m debating staying back with DS (2.5) and sending MH, SS and FIL, but I’m feeling conflicted because DS and I might not be able to see her again if things go south. We had a visit planned over the summer but my stepsons mom can be a real witch and kept him during our scheduled time so we had to cancel.

CONS:

- it’s a 6 hour drive with good weather, we’d have to stop more for DS and me needing to pee. Plus we just got hit with a ton of snow.

- Driving in December/January in Montreal. With kids.

- the cousin we always stay with can’t accommodate us because he has in laws over. A family friend has a studio we could use but it’s too small for all of us so we’d have to find accommodations if we all went.

- money for accommodations, food, gas, emergency etc.

- It likely would be an overwhelming production for her having so many visitors, moreover since DS is a teething honey badger. Beyond that I’m not sure what the quality of the visit would even be. If that makes sense.

- hospital germs for pregnant me and DS.

- if she does pass we’ll have to drive back for the funeral.

PROS:

- Getting to see her possibly for the last time.

I feel like a jerk that’s making excuses. Or that the ‘driving back for her funeral if she passes’ is shitty to even have on my con list. She’s lived a long life and we’re all amazed that she’s held on. She’s been in and out of the hospital for years and defies what the doctors say and magically pulls through, but she’s 101 now. All my grandparents passed before I was born so I don’t have experience approaching this. Am I being insensitive or thinking about this the wrong way? (MH supports me staying back btw.)

Tl;dr - is it shitty of me to stay behind with DS while mh/ss visit an elderly family member 6+ hours away in the hospital?

[snowmoon]

I would stay back. The amount of snow we've gotten is not anything that I want to be travelling in-especially for 6+ hours.

That and visiting someone in a hospital while pregnant and with a toddler could be miserable. My 2.5 year old couldn't be expected to use an inside voice/walk/not touch everything. Hospitals gross me out.

[ovenrack]

I would stay back. Have DS draw a card. Support your husband, and the rest of his family however you can.

And I say this as someone who has dealt with a lot of sickness and death with immediate family members. It isn’t always the best if everyone drops everything and comes at once.

[polson]

i would probably stay back as well. i don’t think anyone would fault you for doing so. having ds draw a card to send is a very sweet idea

[auri]

I'm sorry that your husbands grandma is in the hospital. I would probably stay home if it were me. 6+ hours of driving in the snow plus taking a toddler to the hospital just doesn't sound like a good idea to me. Have you been able to get any information on how she's doing? That might give you a clearer picture on what to expect if you did decide to make the trip. What does your H think? Does he want you there for moral support? That also may change my opinion.

[Leaf 🌱]

+1 to auri. If you want to go for personal reasons, go. If YH *needs* you physically there for his mental and emotional wellbeing, go. If the answer to these are no, then stay home. It would be miserable to have a toddler in a hospital, YH can probably crash with some one far more easily, and you’d be putting yourself at risk. The cons are not insurmountable if you need to go for one of the first two reasons but it may be better for you to stay. ovenrack is very right - you’re just going to end up standing around or sitting at a hotel. She probably needs rest and quiet. See what you can do from Home for them.

When we had a death in the family when DD was two weeks old, DH went alone. His family really needed him and he wouldn’t have been able to focus on them if we had been there. It was better for him to deal solely with his family and have me be physically and emotionally rested so he could call whenever he wanted and talk for however long he wanted. I honestly would not have been able to support him like that if i was exhausted by the entire day. I feel like it kind of makes me sound horrible, but it was 100% the right decision and I have zero regrets. I was also able to place amazon orders for stuff they needed overnighted, send meals, have groceries delivered, notify some friends of the situation and generally field questions and phone calls, and make some arrangements DH didn’t have the bandwidth for. There’s a lot of really helpful things you can do from home.

[babybean]

Thanks, guys. Mh’s fully supportive of the decision to stay so it’s more a “what if”/guilt issue on my part. From a practical perspective it just makes the most sense for DS and I to stay, but it feels...wrong to be prioritizing like that I guess? I’m a bit high strung anyway but pregnancy is making me extra crazy so I’m overthinking everything.

Leaf 🌱 That doesn’t sound horrible to me on your part at all.

[mattsgirl2004]

I agree with PP's. I would stay put too. I don't think you should feel guilty about it. It just makes more sense to not go.

I'm sorry about your DH's grandma.

[sweetc129]

I would stay back. It is hard. My grandfather was sick and in the hospital (92yo) when I was 37w pregnant with DD#1. Everybody said don't go and risk getting sick. I decided I should visit him and sent my step mother an email on 9/11 that I will stop by the next day. My water broke and never made it. He passed away a few days later. I feel really bad, but know that the decisions I made is what was best for our family at the time. It sounds like in your case it makes sense to just send your DH.

ETA: ((HUGS)) Sending good thoughts and healing vibes to your DH's grandmother.

[babybean]

Hugs sweetc129. Life can be so tricky sometimes.

[Rama]

babybean, I'd also stay home. It's not only more practical for you and the toddler, it's not going to be helpful for grandma to have so many people pile in on her so quickly after getting admitted, either. Maybe if she's still laid up in a week you and H can try to figure out how to get you and DS out there, but until the chaos works itself out, it's actually much more likely that you'd be another body getting in the way. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Your cons are valid reasons. If grandma were up and able, what would she tell you to do? Would she tell you to stay for you and your family's collective well-being? Or would she tell you to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and trudge through the misery of 6+ snowy hours on a road with a 2.5 y/o just to watch her lay in a bed out of obligation? I'd be pretty surprised if anyone picks that second option.