Feeling stuck.

[LED]

We were going to a neighbor's birthday party and I was signing the card. I had all our names down and then H said Jackson. I immediately assumed he was talking about our son since I was writing down all our names. I had such a swirl of emotions in that half a second. A lump in my throat. Then he handed me a twenty, which I then realized was why he said Jackson. Not because he was thinking about our son.

Sometimes I wish I would have picked a less common name. One I would never have to encounter unless it was intentionally referring to my baby. The party was last Saturday and I just can't shake it. How could H refer to a twenty as a Jackson when I'm writing our names and not even think about our son? I miss him so much. It's supposed to get easier, but I feel stuck.

[heartpresidents]

Aug 27, 2017 7:27:59 GMT -6 LED said:

We were going to a neighbor's birthday party and I was signing the card. I had all our names down and then H said Jackson. I immediately assumed he was talking about our son since I was writing down all our names. I had such a swirl of emotions in that half a second. A lump in my throat. Then he handed me a twenty, which I then realized was why he said Jackson. Not because he was thinking about our son.

Sometimes I wish I would have picked a less common name. One I would never have to encounter unless it was intentionally referring to my baby. The party was last Saturday and I just can't shake it. How could H refer to a twenty as a Jackson when I'm writing our names and not even think about our son? I miss him so much. It's supposed to get easier, but I feel stuck.

I'm so sorry, that's miserable. Can you talk to your husband about it?
I don't know about you, but this hasn't gotten any easier for me. I'm maybe better able to carry the weight than I used to be, but hearing Lincoln's name or people asking how many kids I have stings just as much as it did 3 years ago.

[LED]

Aug 27, 2017 19:44:18 GMT -6 heartpresidents said:

Aug 27, 2017 7:27:59 GMT -6 LED said:

We were going to a neighbor's birthday party and I was signing the card. I had all our names down and then H said Jackson. I immediately assumed he was talking about our son since I was writing down all our names. I had such a swirl of emotions in that half a second. A lump in my throat. Then he handed me a twenty, which I then realized was why he said Jackson. Not because he was thinking about our son.

Sometimes I wish I would have picked a less common name. One I would never have to encounter unless it was intentionally referring to my baby. The party was last Saturday and I just can't shake it. How could H refer to a twenty as a Jackson when I'm writing our names and not even think about our son? I miss him so much. It's supposed to get easier, but I feel stuck.

I'm so sorry, that's miserable. Can you talk to your husband about it?
I don't know about you, but this hasn't gotten any easier for me. I'm maybe better able to carry the weight than I used to be, but hearing Lincoln's name or people asking how many kids I have stings just as much as it did 3 years ago.

I think I will talk to him. That's probably a good idea. I'm always really afraid of coming off as needy or overly emotional and have a really hard time expressing when I could just use a hug. I'm getting a little better at it with one friend, but even still if it's big emotions I tend to just hide.

[aprilz81]

I'm sorry LED! I would talk to him about it when the time feels right.

**trigger warning for current pregnancy/rainbow baby**

I'm starting to show now and I know I'm going to start getting questions of "oh, is this your first"? I'm dreading it because while I can talk about Ava without crying sometimes it is just easier not to.

[LED]

Aug 28, 2017 7:25:26 GMT -6 aprilz81 said:

I'm sorry LED! I would talk to him about it when the time feels right.

**trigger warning for current pregnancy/rainbow baby**

I'm starting to show now and I know I'm going to start getting questions of "oh, is this your first"? I'm dreading it because while I can talk about Ava without crying sometimes it is just easier not to.

In a lot of ways, my grief got worse after my rainbow was born. Or maybe I'm just reminded of it more? I don't know. But I was definitely not ready for it. It's like I never really dwelled on the littler aspects of what should have been, just the general "I should have a son." But after R was born it was he should be here to see this. To see her smile. To make her smile. To make her cry. Ugh. I'm sure it's also made worse by being OADNBC. But still.

I get questions about is this your first all the time and I never know how to answer. Sometimes I say yes just to get out of the conversation and sometimes I say no. I hate small talk.

[aprilz81]

Aug 28, 2017 12:14:27 GMT -6 LED said:

Aug 28, 2017 7:25:26 GMT -6 aprilz81 said:

I'm sorry LED ! I would talk to him about it when the time feels right.

**trigger warning for current pregnancy/rainbow baby**

I'm starting to show now and I know I'm going to start getting questions of "oh, is this your first"? I'm dreading it because while I can talk about Ava without crying sometimes it is just easier not to.

In a lot of ways, my grief got worse after my rainbow was born. Or maybe I'm just reminded of it more? I don't know. But I was definitely not ready for it. It's like I never really dwelled on the littler aspects of what should have been, just the general "I should have a son." But after R was born it was he should be here to see this. To see her smile. To make her smile. To make her cry. Ugh. I'm sure it's also made worse by being OADNBC. But still.

I get questions about is this your first all the time and I never know how to answer. Sometimes I say yes just to get out of the conversation and sometimes I say no. I hate small talk.

I get where you are coming from.  I do find myself thinking more about Ava now that I'm pregnant again, every appointment brings back memories, especially when I have to visit MFM at the hospital where she was born.  I'm sure it will get worse when we have Faith home with us and it really hits me that this should not be our first experience with middle of the night feedings and diaper explosions.

Hang in there, we are here for you!

[heartpresidents]

Aug 27, 2017 23:15:04 GMT -6 LED said:

Aug 27, 2017 19:44:18 GMT -6 heartpresidents said:

I'm so sorry, that's miserable. Can you talk to your husband about it?
I don't know about you, but this hasn't gotten any easier for me. I'm maybe better able to carry the weight than I used to be, but hearing Lincoln's name or people asking how many kids I have stings just as much as it did 3 years ago.

I think I will talk to him. That's probably a good idea. I'm always really afraid of coming off as needy or overly emotional and have a really hard time expressing when I could just use a hug. I'm getting a little better at it with one friend, but even still if it's big emotions I tend to just hide.

Good luck! It can be so hard to talk about big things like that, but I hope it helps.

[jrun2013]

TW LC and pregnancy mentioned

I really struggle with the how many children do you have question. I have a three year old and sometimes if I'm out with her people will ask if she's an only child or something along those lines and I usually quickly respond with yep and change he subject, but then I feel like shit.

Then the other day I was shopping at Motherhood Maternity and the sales clerk asked if this was my first. I said third, thinking that would be it, but then she asked how old the other two were l, so I said one was three and one was stillborn and then I started crying in the store.

So, yeah, I feel like I can't win with that question.

[jrun2013]

Also, I'm sorry you're feeling this way LED. Sometimes I question if this ever will actually get easier. It has to some extent, but then the grief comes back!with a vengeance.

[peaseblossom55]

I'm sorry I haven't seen this until now. I feel like it never gets easier. I miss my girls so so much. I think having E makes it harder sometimes. It's a lose lose situation when someone asks how many children you have. If I tell the truth. 1 on earth and two angels it can be so awkward. If I don't mention my 2 angels I feel so awful for not. I just figure it will never get easier I will find different ways to cope. I saw kids in my town getting on the school bus for their first day of school, it made me sad that I will never get to see Ma.ggie or Anne.liese have their first day of school.

[LED]

Sept 6, 2017 18:09:57 GMT -6 peaseblossom55 said:

I'm sorry I haven't seen this until now. I feel like it never gets easier. I miss my girls so so much. I think having E makes it harder sometimes. It's a lose lose situation when someone asks how many children you have. If I tell the truth. 1 on earth and two angels it can be so awkward. If I don't mention my 2 angels I feel so awful for not. I just figure it will never get easier I will find different ways to cope. I saw kids in my town getting on the school bus for their first day of school, it made me sad that I will never get to see Ma.ggie or Anne.liese have their first day of school.

yes. First day of school, pretty much every year, always gets me. I have a "goddaughter" that is about 5 months older than Jackson, and a niece that's about 6 months younger. So it's constant reminders of what he would be doing. It's so hard.