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Post by ambiguousmango on Jul 28, 2017 12:53:53 GMT -6
Is it bad that it makes me feel better that I am not the only one not getting laid? Also I have been bad about not wanting to go on bcp right now since we want another kid in the next two years and it's not like we have enough sex to justify the hormones. Does this make me crazy?
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Post by thelittleredm on Jul 28, 2017 13:22:02 GMT -6
ambiguousmango, We are content with our two kids right now but not ready to be finished. Because it has shown to take us awhile just to get pregnant, I'm not on any birth control. We just track and pull out.
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Post by thelittleredm on Jul 28, 2017 13:53:11 GMT -6
Okay. Here's a real confession.
But first:
I love H. I do. I hate what he's gone through and can't imagine the things he's seen or done that he HASN'T told me about.
I have to work almost daily not to allow myself to get angry, upset, etc. at him for things he struggles with because of his PTSD. I hate so many things that have happened as a result and it is hard not to hold it against him when I KNOW it isn't his fault AT ALL. I hate that family vacations will never be what I wanted them to be. I KNOW there are plenty of places we can go where he will be okay but I hate that there are also plenty of places that I no longer have as an option to go to unless I want to go alone or with someone else. And to go along with that, some of those places he is 100% not okay with me going to with anyone unless it's him but he won't ever go (NYC, Las Vegas, etc.). He says he wants to take a cruise but we'd have to dish out the extra money for one that is less kid friendly and smaller in the HOPE that he could manage to stay on without completely ditching the boat and never getting back on. Travel is just an example, there's a lot more that I don't want to go into detail about.
I read an article that said that unmet expectations are a leading cause for divorce. And I'm completely not surprised. I catch myself planning for an alternate future that doesn't include being married to H and I'm so guilt ridden about it. I know I've been struggling with some mild depression issues popping back up and I do plan on seeing someone about it but I have no extra money to spend on it right now.
I feel like such an awful human and wife.
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Post by ambiguousmango on Jul 28, 2017 14:01:37 GMT -6
thelittleredm first off ::hugs:: you are not an awful person or wife. I can't imagine the stress and all the things going on with your life. I know this is not the same but my Dad was in the military and he was stationed in Bosnia for a year, when he came back he was a different person. It was really hard for a long time for my parents. However they made it through by talking and communicating with one another, and as time went on he was much more like the Dad that left. Does he have a service animal or anything? I have limited exposure to this type if situation but maybe it is something to look into?
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Post by thelittleredm on Jul 28, 2017 14:05:31 GMT -6
ambiguousmango , No service animal. He passed the initial interview process for a program here that works with veterans to train their own service dogs but it never got past that point because we kept having issues getting an appointment with his primary at the VA. I keep trying to encourage him to get back to doing that process or join some sort of veteran support group but he brushes me off all the time. ETA: I think it doesn't help that when we do talk about things that have changed because of his PTSD, he always ends the conversation telling me that if I ever wanted to leave him because it was too hard, he wouldn't stop me. Like, after trying all the things (counseling, etc.) if I still wanted to, he would let me. It hurts and I get why he's saying it but still.
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Post by ambiguousmango on Jul 28, 2017 14:08:53 GMT -6
thelittleredm that is so hard, keep encouraging him I know that means a lot. Also it's probably hard dealing with an illness you can't "see", but I bet if he could connect with someone who is also going through it he would feel better. You are amazing.
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Post by judyblume14 on Jul 28, 2017 14:50:54 GMT -6
That's really heavy, thelittleredm. I'm firstly so sorry that your H battles with PTSD. I cannot even imagine. I'm also really sorry that you have to battle it, too. You are not a bad wife, and not a bad person. Your family has an invisible stressor that most people, thankfully, will never understand. Keep talking about it. With him, and to us. I'm glad to see you're considering counselling. Sounds like you could both benefit from that. Does he see a counselor? |
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Post by thelittleredm on Jul 28, 2017 14:52:55 GMT -6
judyblume14, He used to go to a lady at the VA and when he has really bad days, he says he needs to see her but he's never even called since his 12 week program ended. Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
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rinny
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Post by rinny on Jul 28, 2017 16:42:32 GMT -6
I can relate to all of this. I had been trying a lot harder lately, but was actually thinking yesterday the surgery provides a nice excuse for a bit.
I have no drive while Bfing but if last baby was any indication it will be back in full force once my cycle resumes *knocks on wood*
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rinny
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Post by rinny on Jul 28, 2017 16:43:42 GMT -6
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ellabee
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Post by ellabee on Jul 28, 2017 16:59:51 GMT -6
So many hugs for you thelittleredm. I bet that took a lot to put that down in writing. I'm so sorry that your H is going through that and also for what it means for how you live your daily life and future. You are not an awful human at all, and honestly it sounds like your open acknowledgement of your feelings makes you a better and more understanding wife. I wish I could say something that could help, but I know there's no easy fix for what you guys are dealing with. I'm always here with an open ear if you need it though. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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Post by meeggaannw on Jul 28, 2017 17:01:40 GMT -6
thelittleredm hugs mama, I can't imagine how hard that is. I have so much respect for you for sharing your feelings, you are in no possible way an awful human or wife. Like judyblume14 said, we are here anytime you need to talk about it.
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Post by thelittleredm on Jul 28, 2017 17:08:12 GMT -6
Thank you ladies. H and I have discussed what we think would happen during a hypothetical divorce and I like to think it would go smoother than imagined. I hope I never get to the point where that's more than a hypothetical. We had a brief separation once and the amount of backlash I got from it was awful and I don't want to do it again. But I also worry that I would stay with H just because of said backlash and how that would affect my kids and their relationship with our families.
Idk. It's all really confusing.
Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
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Lakes
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Post by Lakes on Jul 28, 2017 17:48:01 GMT -6
I think ellabee said everything perfectly and much more eloquently than I could express thelittleredm so just *hugs* |
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Lakes
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Post by Lakes on Jul 28, 2017 17:49:26 GMT -6
I'm in the car on the way to NY for the reunion. Mh just cracked open a Red Bull. It smells like 2am and regret.
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peaseblossom55
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Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear.
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Post by peaseblossom55 on Jul 28, 2017 19:06:19 GMT -6
Is it bad that it makes me feel better that I am not the only one not getting laid? Also I have been bad about not wanting to go on bcp right now since we want another kid in the next two years and it's not like we have enough sex to justify the hormones. Does this make me crazy? Same. I just got bcp & a prescription from my OB yesterday after my annual I really don't want to start. I figure the odds of me getting pregnant are so low. I don't want go back on the hormones.... :-( |
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peaseblossom55
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Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear.
Posts: 1,461 Likes: 3,090
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Post by peaseblossom55 on Jul 28, 2017 19:09:40 GMT -6
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Post by meeggaannw on Jul 28, 2017 20:52:08 GMT -6
I'm in the car on the way to NY for the reunion. Mh just cracked open a Red Bull. It smells like 2am and regret. I say this too! I immediately feel hungover when I smell Red Bull, and it's not even something I have ever had. |
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Lakes
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Post by Lakes on Jul 29, 2017 5:30:57 GMT -6
I'm in the car on the way to NY for the reunion. Mh just cracked open a Red Bull. It smells like 2am and regret. I say this too! I immediately feel hungover when I smell Red Bull, and it's not even something I have ever had. Yes! It immediately made me want to hurl. Of course the last time I had Red Bull was 10 years ago at kareoke when mh and I finally hooked up. So good awful drunk memories 😂 |
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carrots
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Post by carrots on Jul 29, 2017 11:03:16 GMT -6
thelittleredm that is so much for both of you to deal with. I'm not great with words but agree with ellabee that your honesty and acknowledgement of your feelings shows a lot of strength.
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