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Post by lifesaverz on Jan 27, 2023 12:00:35 GMT -6
Have you had the mental load conversation? It seems he felt you slighted him for a reason so maybe he feels something is upsetting you too? Not specifically about mental load but I had an "I'm overwhelmed" meltdown a few weeks ago. And basically he says he wants to help but and he seesms to want me to specifically tell him what to do which...doesn't really help with the mental load. I carry a lot of the mental load in our house as well, so I get it. But I've had to really work on communicating more of what I need. My H can only help if I let him, you know? If you just "take something on" (like planning a holiday, etc), the other person may just assume it's taken care of, but if you communicate hey let's sit down & plan this together, pick party supplies or gifts for the kids, etc, he may be able to help (if he's responsive to that), & then you don't have to carry so much. Involve him, ask him to be part of it. |
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Post by wildflower on Jan 27, 2023 12:01:33 GMT -6
I started clearly explaining what I wanted for my birthday/Mother's day/whatever and it sets us both up for success. I usually want to not plan, cook, or clean up dinner.
I often want chocolate and or flowers. My birthday is the same week as Valentine's. It's not difficult to find those things m
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Post by DavidRose on Jan 27, 2023 12:03:32 GMT -6
Have you had the mental load conversation? It seems he felt you slighted him for a reason so maybe he feels something is upsetting you too? Not specifically about mental load but I had an "I'm overwhelmed" meltdown a few weeks ago. And basically he says he wants to help but and he seesms to want me to specifically tell him what to do which...doesn't really help with the mental load. This is so hard. Mh and I try to divide tasks so that one person is fully in charge. Like he meal plans and cooks so he also grocery shops. I explained that he needed to be in charge from the beginning. So remembering/thinking about the task, planning and execution. |
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Post by lifesaverz on Jan 27, 2023 12:07:12 GMT -6
Not specifically about mental load but I had an "I'm overwhelmed" meltdown a few weeks ago. And basically he says he wants to help but and he seesms to want me to specifically tell him what to do which...doesn't really help with the mental load. Trust me I get it We have had to have these conversations because my h will think I’ve got everything and I’m drowning. I did start with lists and now still sometimes I have to say hey you know we have a million things coming up can you do xyz I’m also a product of myself and I want help but also want things done certain ways and had to learn to give up control on some things. Not saying this is you at all just that it was an adjustment Totally agree, it can be hard to let things go/not be in control, but it's so worth it in all the ways. |
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McBenny
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Post by McBenny on Jan 27, 2023 12:13:52 GMT -6
I'm kind of laughing at not liking cake then being upset at not getting a cake though There could have been other efforts made, like a pie, cookies, cookie cake. |
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Post by McBenny on Jan 27, 2023 12:14:56 GMT -6
My oldest turns 10 (DOUBLE DIGITS) next week, and I feel like i haven’t done nearly enough. I need to order a cake, I only have one present, and we have a camping trip planned for friday. But I feel like it should be a bigger deal and I need to work in a few more surprises. Cinnamon rolls maybe? Balloons? More gifts? Sigh. How about the balloons outside his door and streamers thing so when he opens his door the balloons surprise him. Birthday breakfast with a balloon. My youngest is obsessed with balloons so please excuse me if yours are not. LOL |
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Post by McBenny on Jan 27, 2023 12:17:48 GMT -6
So Wednesday was DH birthday and I was out of steam from Christmas and ds2 birthday/party. And it was in the middle of the week. So I didn't manage to get a gift. I did pick up sushi and sake for dinner. He doesn't really like cake so I didn't do that. He was mad I didn't get a gift or cake. So I am grabbing something today. I feel bad but also am a little annoyed that he is upset. This would hurt my feelings. Christmas was a month ago. I do not need a gift persay. We do a birthday dinner out. If you expect acknowledgement on your birthday, then reciprocate. If you been doing something, then keep doing it. For me, it would be the lack of effort. However, acts of service is my love language so there is that. I feel everyone has their thing that they are into - books, shave club, edibles, knitting, crafting, etc. We all have our things that we are into or like so maybe his is now birthdays. |
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Post by McBenny on Jan 27, 2023 12:18:02 GMT -6
I'm too afraid of road rage from other drivers to flip people off or be aggressive where they can see. I do yell in my car often though. They shoot and kill people here over road rage. |
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Post by McBenny on Jan 27, 2023 12:19:03 GMT -6
My 11 year old is mad that I won't buy her lululemon, since that is all the rage in 6th grade. I have never purchased myself anything from lululemon, certainly not going to spend that much on her clothing. I found myself telling her the same things my mother told me in 1988, when all the other kids wore was GAP. My transformation from "I will be nothing like my mom when I grow up" to "She was right about almost everything" is almost complete. Buy the Amazon dupes. |
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Post by McBenny on Jan 27, 2023 12:19:34 GMT -6
I have been the ‘forgotten’ spouse for birthdays under similar circumstances. It straight up sucks. As an adult I can understand and rationalize being overwhelmed by life and burnt out but grabbing a cake and a card from a grocery store is minimal effort so yeah it cuts when you realize that you aren’t even worth that minimal level of effort from your partner. Yep |
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Post by McBenny on Jan 27, 2023 12:21:50 GMT -6
We still get a small cake even for the not cake person for us to eat and plus candles and singing. We sing birthday songs for the person.
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Post by McBenny on Jan 27, 2023 12:24:57 GMT -6
I hate getting cards. Unless they're Christmas cards with a picture of the family or have a special message inside I'm almost certainly immediately throwing it away. I would not want my husband to bring me home a card on my birthday. This is clearly so specific to the couple. In general I don't do sulking in adults and barely tolerate it in kids so if H had an issue I would expect that he would straight out tell me, hey I'm really bummed you didn't get me a cake because I look forward to it every year or whatever. Moping around the next day would not be happening. But again we don't have enough info for me to decide my feelings. Did he say he was sad and felt left out? Or did he spend the past days silently fuming every time he was in the same room as her? I didn't see sulking posted. I saw mad and then the word upset. I assumed he communicated his disappointment to her with words but who knows. |
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Post by McBenny on Jan 27, 2023 12:26:10 GMT -6
I guess it's a confession, after years of swallowing my disappointment year after year, I let not only MH know but my kids, I expect an effort. Something. I put effort into their special days. I would like the same.
There is nothing wrong in my opinion to speak up and let people know that what was normally done or not normally done, no longer serves me. I was clear in that I expect the same effort and attention that they like on their birthdays. The end.
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Post by McBenny on Jan 27, 2023 12:27:28 GMT -6
We all know that I love bdays, so I'm ready to riot on Flippin's H's behalf. But first I need to know what their established birthday history and traditions have been. I will say, you are part of the reason I have turned my birthday feeling around. |
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Post by Eagles on Jan 27, 2023 12:33:27 GMT -6
Birthdays as an adult are hard. I have had my feelings hurt on my birthday more than once but also never really communicated what I want. DH has also had his feelings hurt because what he wants is different from what I want. He is more of an acts of service person and I am more gifts. We have landed on dinner out and an experience (usually a baseball game). It makes us all happy. Sometimes life happens and celebrations are subdued. I can't judge that but communication is important. Milestone birthdays are different. DH will be turning 50 next year and wants a big restaurant party with friends. I will be planning a 13th birthday party and a 50th within months of each other. Lord help me. I turn 40 next year. Luckily mine is in April so I’ll have time And yes I’ll plan most of my 40th because I’m particular. My sister will help and my h will show up 😂 I planned my 40th and H paid for it. That was my gift. It was perfect. |
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Post by brux on Jan 27, 2023 12:34:12 GMT -6
We all know that I love bdays, so I'm ready to riot on Flippin's H's behalf. But first I need to know what their established birthday history and traditions have been. I will say, you are part of the reason I have turned my birthday feeling around. This is the greatest birthday gift I've ever received. |
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Post by flojo on Jan 27, 2023 12:35:40 GMT -6
I get MH a cookiepuss for every birthday. I think he’d be rightfully upset if I didn’t.
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Post by Sweetjane on Jan 27, 2023 12:38:47 GMT -6
sterling we do balloons all downstairs, a HB banner and photos. The birthday person, in our family, gets their photos stuck in the kitchen cabinet door frames. I just grab random photos of them from birth to now and stick them up in the cabinets. Like where the frame meets the front. So easy and it's like their own wall of Fame for the week. Get those big mylar balloons 10, and tie them to his chair.
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Eagles
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Post by Eagles on Jan 27, 2023 12:39:00 GMT -6
I think flippinchica 's husband is being a big bratty baby. Personally. It was a Wed. You got sushi. Shut up. Amen. |
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Post by McBenny on Jan 27, 2023 12:39:41 GMT -6
Also, for me and mine. I do not buy adults Christmas presents so we usually go above and beyond for friends and family. So why does it have to fall flat for me?
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brux
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Post by brux on Jan 27, 2023 12:41:04 GMT -6
I totally sympathize with being maxed out on the mental load, coupled with birthdays and holidays always seem to be mom's job with husbands saying "let me know how I can help" at best.
But, to me, part of being a partner in a relationship is making my people feel special the one day a year that is their day. I don't really get to half ass it, unless I've had a conversation in advance that "this week I just cannot do one more thing, so we'll do a mini celebration on your bday and a celebration on this particular later date once I can get my shit in order. I'm sorry to do this, but I'm maxed out."
The special takeout dinner is a step toward that, but if history or family traditions include gifts and cake (or dessert), the lack of those things would feel like a slight to me and would hurt my feelings.
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brux
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Post by brux on Jan 27, 2023 12:42:28 GMT -6
H's birthday is 4 days after DS's, plus H is a twin and has shared his birthday his whole life...so I already know he's a little jokey+sensitive about not mattering.
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Post by McBenny on Jan 27, 2023 12:44:26 GMT -6
I have shared before that at one point and time, I had an actual list. A whole list of what I needed done daily, weekly, monthly etc. It was on the refrigerator for all to see. (The kids were much younger then).
That way I don't have to aggravate myself with telling you what needs to be done. You can go and see. Also the visual helps everyone to see just what goes into keeping this place running.
Mine thought I would just let him know or tag him in and I felt he could open his eyes and see and look around.
Anyway, I feel it saved the relationship. He does way more now than he did before. Also, me leaving him in Louisiana with two kids really did it. When they followed me to Texas, I gained a new spouse and a true partner. The time he had them solo made him realize and be more appreciative.
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Eagles
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Post by Eagles on Jan 27, 2023 12:44:46 GMT -6
He wasn't ignored. He got a thoughtful dinner.
It's been life on the mental struggle bus at Casa Eagles for a few months, so on our most recent birthdays we each gave a small gift to the other in the morning before work and said I love you. We've put in more effort in the past but we understand that we're both overwhelmed af and hopefully next year we can do something more special.
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Post by wasabi on Jan 27, 2023 12:45:02 GMT -6
Cookiepuss?
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Post by wasabi on Jan 27, 2023 12:45:24 GMT -6
SO would probably like that for his birthday too
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McBenny
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Post by McBenny on Jan 27, 2023 12:45:57 GMT -6
H's birthday is 4 days after DS's, plus H is a twin and has shared his birthday his whole life...so I already know he's a little jokey+sensitive about not mattering. This is so insightful of you. I have been made to feel as though I do not matter since I was a young child so to see you say this brings happy tears. |
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Post by McBenny on Jan 27, 2023 12:46:25 GMT -6
SO would probably like that for his birthday too LOL |
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Post by flojo on Jan 27, 2023 12:47:00 GMT -6
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Post by miawallace on Jan 27, 2023 12:47:06 GMT -6
I’m very extra when it comes to celebrating my kids about any little thing. I think I’m that type of annoying mom. I think it’s a middle child feels thing. I’m healing my inner child that way.
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