|
|
Post by unicornofthesea on Jul 17, 2020 17:03:52 GMT -6
So my ex brought his gf around the kids. My 6 yo tells me all about it (😒). Our divorce was finalized last month and even though custody is 50/50 he’s barely seen them....
I’m upset he didn’t talk to me first about it but also not surprised. It’s been eating me up because he was the cheater in the relationship and text book narcissist..but also super outgoing and has a charming personality. I’m not jealous of them per say, but I’m jealous he has a gf when he was not a great husband and has been a pretty shitty dad lately.
It’s a tough pill to swallow that he is living his best life (driving a nice car, gets to travel for work, off on weekdays,etc) while I’m working 9-5, have the kids all the time and recently got dumped by my...”maintenance man” because I could never get a night off to hook up, which I think is making things harder.
We haven’t been on good terms and when we aren’t life feels miserable. I need to make peace with him because that’s what I need to be happy, but there’s so many fears of this new motherly figure that could be in their lives. She has a son and my oldest tells me all about them without even asking.
All i want is my kids to be happy and grow up to be amazing people. Even if that means I have to suck it up and be the bigger person to fix things.
I’m struggling.
I hate him.
He doesn’t deserve anything he has, but my kids deserve a good dad and he’ll only be that if I pretend to worship the ground he walks on.
It’s so so hard. If anyone has been in my shoes or has any advice I’d love to hear it.
|
|
brux
Diamond
Posts: 35,330 Likes: 282,461 
|
Post by brux on Jul 17, 2020 17:09:08 GMT -6
There’s a big difference between not getting in his way of being a good dad and bending over backwards to make him look good.
Don’t badmouth him and help smooth the path for your kids when your Ex treats them poorly.
That’s all you need to do. That and figuring out how to keep your eyes on making your own life great.
|
|
Tlex
Ruby
Posts: 22,759
Likes: 154,991
|
Post by Tlex on Jul 17, 2020 17:09:24 GMT -6
I don’t have co parenting advice but I didn’t want to read and not give you support.
I’ve know you long enough to be confident in saying ex is a total dillweed and you WILL have a better, more beautiful life in time. I’m sorry you don’t get to be first. But first isn’t always best.
Are you talking to anyone for counselling? I think I’d turn my efforts and energy on this inwards. Focus on growing a happier you, alone. You absolutely do not have to pretend to worship the ground he walks on and I am concerned that you think you really have to play those games. I know all about having a malignant turd of a narcissist in your life and how playing nice helps, but there are other ways to live with them when you aren’t LIVING with them. I think you could use some professional help getting strategies for this.
|
|
pobre
Ruby
Posts: 22,375
Likes: 203,340
|
Post by pobre on Jul 17, 2020 17:13:33 GMT -6
What happens specifically if you don’t worship the ground he walks on? I have some ideas but I need details.
|
|
|
|
Post by unicornofthesea on Jul 17, 2020 17:17:57 GMT -6
I do not bad mouth him AT ALL to my kids. Not one word.
I ask if the new gf and her son are nice to them and if they had fun and that’s it.
My bff’s in the other hand know what a POS he is, but my kids do not and never will.
|
|
|
|
Post by unicornofthesea on Jul 17, 2020 17:18:50 GMT -6
What happens specifically if you don’t worship the ground he walks on? I have some ideas but I need details. He threatens to cut off child support (which I literally cannot pay bills without) and doesn’t pick them up from daycare on his days. |
|
pobre
Ruby
Posts: 22,375
Likes: 203,340
|
Post by pobre on Jul 17, 2020 17:25:48 GMT -6
What happens specifically if you don’t worship the ground he walks on? I have some ideas but I need details. He threatens to cut off child support (which I literally cannot pay bills without) and doesn’t pick them up from daycare on his days. And what kinds of things set him off? |
|
pobre
Ruby
Posts: 22,375
Likes: 203,340
|
Post by pobre on Jul 17, 2020 17:26:42 GMT -6
I would contact your lawyer about getting child support garnished from his paycheck if that's an option. I imagine even threatening it would be enough for a judge to do it easily.
|
|
|
|
Post by unicornofthesea on Jul 17, 2020 17:27:29 GMT -6
He threatens to cut off child support (which I literally cannot pay bills without) and doesn’t pick them up from daycare on his days. Do you document each instance of this? If not, start, immediately. I do. He hasn’t actually done it but threatened. |
|
|
|
Post by unicornofthesea on Jul 17, 2020 17:29:13 GMT -6
I would contact your lawyer about getting child support garnished from his paycheck if that's an option. I imagine even threatening it would be enough for a judge to do it easily. He owns his own business so I don’t even know if that’s possible. He’s only threatened and hasn’t actually done it yet but also need it to stop |
|
|
|
Post by unicornofthesea on Jul 17, 2020 17:32:08 GMT -6
Kids sees more than you think. You don’t have to badmouths Him but don’t play him up either. If he doesn’t pick them up, tell them you understand the disappointment and try to get in something fun. Trust me, kids will eventually realize their parent isn’t shit. It kills me because his dad cheated on his mom, he’s had half siblings reach out to him over the years that he didn’t know existed, he knows the pain of choosing parents...... yet did it to us. I hate him for being hurt by that and not breaking the mold, but also he grew up with that so maybe I should have known it would end like this. |
|
zoeylucy
Amethyst
Posts: 7,162 Likes: 26,488
|
Post by zoeylucy on Jul 17, 2020 17:38:55 GMT -6
I would contact your lawyer about getting child support garnished from his paycheck if that's an option. I imagine even threatening it would be enough for a judge to do it easily. If you have any texts from him about this, save them. |
|
zoeylucy
Amethyst
Posts: 7,162 Likes: 26,488
|
Post by zoeylucy on Jul 17, 2020 17:45:18 GMT -6
You need therapy if you haven’t already started. It is ok to take your own power back. You are done bowing and scraping to him, you’re divorced now. If he abandons his children at pickup or doesn’t pay child support, those actions have consequences. He needs to know that you will make him accountable.
|
|
sterling
Global Moderator 
GD
Posts: 15,047
Likes: 130,313
|
Post by sterling on Jul 17, 2020 17:49:51 GMT -6
You need therapy if you haven’t already started. It is ok to take your own power back. You are done bowing and scraping to him, you’re divorced now. If he abandons his children at pickup or doesn’t pay child support, those actions have consequences. He needs to know that you will make him accountable. This. And I’d make daycare well aware. Do you have someone who could help with pickup if he doesn’t show up? |
|
cribs
Sapphire
Posts: 4,276 Likes: 19,978
|
Post by cribs on Jul 17, 2020 17:51:50 GMT -6
I would contact your lawyer about getting child support garnished from his paycheck if that's an option. I imagine even threatening it would be enough for a judge to do it easily. He owns his own business so I don’t even know if that’s possible. He’s only threatened and hasn’t actually done it yet but also need it to stop They can deduct it from his bank account in some places. Not legal advice. |
|
McBenny
Unicorn
#sickomode
Posts: 52,186
Likes: 296,690
|
Post by McBenny on Jul 17, 2020 18:13:29 GMT -6
Kids sees more than you think. You don’t have to badmouths Him but don’t play him up either. If he doesn’t pick them up, tell them you understand the disappointment and try to get in something fun. Trust me, kids will eventually realize their parent isn’t shit. It kills me because his dad cheated on his mom, he’s had half siblings reach out to him over the years that he didn’t know existed, he knows the pain of choosing parents...... yet did it to us. I hate him for being hurt by that and not breaking the mold, but also he grew up with that so maybe I should have known it would end like this. I don't understand the yet did it to us? Y'all marriage ended. That doesn't mean your kids have to choose parents. That's 2 different things to me. 🤷🏻♀️ |
|
|
|
Post by donnameagle on Jul 17, 2020 18:24:55 GMT -6
You have some options here. He can’t just take child support away, if I were you, I would be looking at a way to make it so that he doesn’t control that. It comes from his check. Document and screen shot and call your lawyer they will give you advice.
My advice, and easier said than done, is to stop fixating on how great his life is. His life is over to you now, with the exception of how he treats your kids. Done, done, done. 1. His life ain’t that great. 2. Who cares if it is?
It’s time to make YOUR life great. Get some childcare in place (when I was a single mom and my parents were not an option, I traded off with friends)
Get involved in something. Tennis. Running. Book club. Don’t care what it is, just get involved.
Go through your house and make it YOURS. I decorated my master when I was single in crushed velvet and white with splashes of mauve. Mirrored night stands. It was girly AF. If you can’t afford to redecorate, just rearrange the room. Make that house yours. Rearrange the whole house. Try to look at having the kids more as a favor he is giving you (trust me this one is harddddd on the long days, I know, I really know). BUT. Fuck that dude, he is missing out on his kids life by not showing up. He is losing in that regard in every way. Try to adventure with your kids (even if that means a beach or lake trip each weekend, or even just social distancing at parks) turn the everyday mundane into magical. I let mine camp in the living room a lot. Some of this will be fake it till you make it.
I would look to something that’s just for you too, a way to reset your brain and get some adrenaline. I highly suggest working out with some kind of program (lots are free! Let me know if you need some rec’s)
About the new GF.... Remember that he has not changed, and she is in for some misery.
Lastly, therapy as soon as you can ❤️
|
|
|
|
Post by readyornot on Jul 17, 2020 23:40:59 GMT -6
unicornofthesea I was in your exact place about a year ago & yea, it really sucks. I am always just a PM away if you need to vent❤ About your ex. I wish a mother fucker would try to pull my child support. You go right ahead & get your lawyer on the phone & find out what you can do to garnish his check. Fuck him forever thinking he can hold that over your head. Nope. It doesn't work like that. Document every single thing, even if it seem petty.
|
|
zoeylucy
Amethyst
Posts: 7,162 Likes: 26,488
|
Post by zoeylucy on Jul 18, 2020 6:09:35 GMT -6
Everything donnameagle and readyornot said. I’m in the midst of redoing my entire house. I currently have drywall dust and exposed subfloor everywhere, but my house is going to reflect 100% ME, and be my haven when it’s done |
|
|
|
Post by cabbagecabbage on Jul 18, 2020 17:51:29 GMT -6
It's okay to grieve. It's okay to wallow. You're in that part. I guaranfuckingtee you'll look back one day without the dreams in your eyes and be so glad you're free of him. You can miss the person you thought he was but you aren't missing a man who does those things. His true self sucks.
He drives a car. He has a girlfriend and few responsibilities. All that can be built on lies. It looks so good but you know he's bad guy. You have your kiddo and your freedom from him and the opportunity to build your own future. Even if your life isn't feeling flashy, you absolutely got the better deal.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamycooler on Jul 18, 2020 18:53:57 GMT -6
I’m not able to respond appropriately right now, but I get 100% where your coming from and I’m sorry. My exH sounds very similar. I’m so sorry and I can tell you what has helped me once I’m able to better respond. Lots of love to you!
|
|
