Major life stuff

[wedding]

So I’ve mentioned for a bit now that I’ve had some heavy stuff going on. This is going to be a long one but I wanted to share now since I just shared about my marriage and sex life which has been affected by my mental health around this situation. C is unaware of it so I don’t know what impact it has one him.

I wrote this out a while ago and have struggled to talk about it with anyone so I’m just going to post it without reading it again. Feel free to ask any and all questions.

Obvious PDQ.

[wedding]

Two weeks after Christmas my parents told my brother and I that my mom had a baby and placed it for adoption. This was before my parents met and we don’t know the dad. All I know is that it was a “fucked up situation”My mom was 19 and still living at home with her mentally abusive mother. She was sent to a home for unwed mothers in Boston to live out her pregnancy. My mom did not want to give the baby up and even named him my grandmothers favorite name when he was born in the hopes she would let my mom keep the baby. She didn’t have a choice and was told if she kept the baby that she would no longer see her family(she’s 1 of9 kids) and would be a social outlaw. The baby was born and he was placed in a closed adoption.

Two years later my mom is with my dad, gets pregnant again, they marry and my brother is born. I arrive 3 years later. My parents have been happily married for 43yrs.

My parents planned to never tell us about the baby. About 7 years ago a law changed in MA that allowed for children or parents of closed adoptions to contact the adoption agency and the adoption agency would contact the other party asking if they would be willing to 1)communicate through the agency to each other anonymously or 2) release their identity to the other party. They could also choose to say no thanks. My parents went through a stage of panic but they never heard anything. Until last year.

Last spring, in the middle of a big home renovation so my mom was already nuts, she gets the letter from the agency saying he reached out. This explains her extra nuttiness during that time. She felt that she couldn’t reject him twice so they communicated anonymously through the agency. My mom would write a letter, mail it to the intermediary, they would send it to him and vice versa. They did this from May 2019-January 2020. It got to the point where they wanted to reveal their identities so my parents thought it was a decision we needed to be involved in.

The story my mom gave was heartbreaking and shocking. She had expressed anger about the way she was treated by her mom before but was never specific. My grandmother had 9 kids. There were clear favorites in the group and my mom was the one girl that was not on that list. Without getting into all of that, it laid the groundwork for some real dysfunction that still exists with my mom and siblings today. It explains a lot.

My parents were afraid we would be angry they didn’t tell us or think less of my mom. We were not angry and if anything I felt empathy and respect for her in being so strong through everything. We gave permission for my mom to reveal her identity. My parents were clear they wanted to keep this information in the immediate family and I was comfortable with that. All of my moms siblings knew she gave up a child and she confided in two of her sisters about the recent contact. The third sister had made really shitty comments in the past about it so she hadn’t told her. My fathers family knows nothing but my paternal grandmother is a special kind of bitch and had already deemed my mom a slut when she got pregnant with my brother. So imagine how that would go knowing this information. My moms parents died a long time ago.


After we were told I was just in shock. Obviously I spoke with DH and my dad a bit after the family meeting that day. I also confided in my close friend at work and then my therapist. I was in a place of shock for a while and still am kind of. It’s unbelievable and I feel like I’m in some weird soap opera.

After they tell us my mom starts talking about Bob all the time. A week or two later she tells me she is going to meet with the third sister who was mean before and let her know. When I asked why, she said she felt weird leaving her out. I got pretty upset for a few reasons and asked her not to. 1) her sister isn’t likely to be supportive and my mom hadn’t started her own therapy yet and I felt very protective of her. 2) what if she told someone who told someone and then it is out to everyone and my grandmother finds out and makes their lives a living hell 3) I wasn’t ready to have people asking me questions. In fact, I didn’t want to talk about it and really haven’t wanted to. Which is why it took me six months to share here.

My dad was able to talk some sense into my mom. After that though my mom still keeps peppering conversations with Bob info and every time it sends me on a huge anxiety spiral. I was in a very long bout of major depression for about 7mos and was finally getting better and was afraid this would set me back so I called a family meeting and asked for two things 1) can we only talk about Bob if I bring it up? I explained why and it was agreed. 2) I feel very uncomfortable with everyone knowing and am not ready for the “oh how are you” pats on the back from my aunts. It was agreed and my mom had realized it was a bad idea and it would be a family decision when she was ready.

Fast forward and I am working through things in therapy but have this huge mental block when it comes to Bob. I’m not usually one for avoidance but I pushed this all aside and if brought up I shut it down. I was still in this place when COVID happened so it wasn’t on my mind at all. I was struggling with C and balancing everything so I was stressed to the max.

After things calmed here a bit with the virus my mom cut Cs hair (outside, everyone masked). Afterwards she says she needs to talk to me and she says “I wanted to let you know that I’m telling my siblings about Bob and it’s for MY therapy”. She said it very bitchy and I was taken aback. I responded calmly with a wow and asked “what if it gets back to gram?” She says “I don’t care what that bitch has to say”. My gram lives two miles away. She is a manipulative bitch but my dad still loves her (I do too) and it would cause my dad a lot of headache if she knew. I felt that was a pretty selfish response on my moms part. Then my mom goes on to talk about Bob and his family. It’s like she saw the door crack open and had to push it all the way. I kept saying “that’s nice” and trying to be blunt and end it. I finally had to say we needed to go because I couldn’t fit any more anxiety in my head or I would explode.

The next day my dad asks to stop by. So I know what this is. It’s my mom told my dad that I might be mad at her and he’s feeling me out. My dad and I are really close and we can have a real conversation about my mom being self centered and dramatic. Of course it turns into a thing where my mom is literally crying to my dad that she’s losing her daughter and she can feel me pulling away. Bear in mind it’s been less than a week at this point. Not shockingly my dad brings my mom on the next check in. Mostly because she is driving him nuts. I explain my piece and how I felt she was laying a hammer on me and also assured her that we can have an argument and it doesn’t mean she’s losing her daughter or that I’m pulling away. She says “well I’ve felt you have been pulling away for a bit now”. I was like “mom we talk every week. We haven’t visited because of a pandemic! Sigh she is so extra.

I don’t think I mentioned Mother’s Day the above with the haircut was after MD. I sent her flowers like I always do. We also did a driveway visit since we were all sheltering in place. I get a bitchy call the Tuesday after saying she just got the flowers I sent and they were dead. I explained they were to be delivered the Friday before and I would contact ProFlowers. She said she thought I forgot about her. I told her I’ve never forgotten about her so if she thought that she should have brought it up. I also reminded her that we SAW her that day! I told her I’d take her out once the virus ended vs replacing the flowers and I got an a brusque “fine” as a reply. Come to find out she had been bitching about me since Mother’s Day that I didn’t get her anything. My dad even had to point out on the delivery receipt when it said what day they were to be delivered. She makes such a huge production out of these things and it is infuriating. Shes actually still complaining about the dead flowers a month later!

Our shared birthday is next week and she wants to go to dinner. She wanted to go out without C and told me to get a sitter and I said no. We did that last year per her order and I hated that he wasn’t at my birthday. Not to mention I’m not having a sitter at my house right now. We went out last weekend with them and I was uncomfortable being out and honestly would rather Take-out and cake in their backyard. I haven’t found the strength to tell her this yet but I need to this weekend.

So that’s my mama drama. It’s a lot so if anyone actually read all that, I really appreciate it.


Oh right, you probably want to know about half-brother Bob. He is 45, married, and has two kids. I don’t know their ages but he sent some pics and the little one looks about 5 and the big one about 8. He is married to a Russian girl he met in college. They moved from the Boston area to South Carolina shortly after graduation and work in finance. He has asked about me and my brother and my mom has answered. It sounds like there will be a meetup at some point between him and my mom and then maybe all of us depending on how things go. Callan and my brothers boys know nothing and won’t until we are actually going to meet them. I purposely haven’t gotten his last name because I won’t be able to resist a deep google dive and I’m emotionally not ready for that. In his pictures he has a slight resemblance to my brother. But it’s slight. I think the older daughter slightly resembles me and my mom but we could be seeing things that aren’t there. No one would pick me, my brother, and Bob from a crowd and think we were siblings. But I guess my brother and I don’t look a ton alike either.

[tgrimes]

Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share this with us. We love you.

[nam2013]

That is a lot to take in. We’re always here if you need to vent or talk any time you need to. Bug hugs.

[klong11]

Damn girl, no wonder you've been stressed. That's a major life change and I wish your mother was listening to your feelings on the matter. I'm glad that she was able to reconcile with him, but whether or not you do, should be on your own terms and they should understand that.

I hope you get the birthday YOU choose to have this year. Cadence wasn't with me this year for my birthday and it def. felt like part of me was missing.

[vino]

Wow. That is a lot. Thank you for sharing with us, we love you and here for you.

This is a major life change that is new to everyone, everyone is going to go through acceptance at different times and I hope that your Mom realizes that soon. It could be an awesome opportunity to have a wonderful new relationship and family added to your already great family, but if she pushes it might just harm that organic process that needs to happen. Whenever you come to the next step be sure to analyze that it is for you and the right time, not for or against your Mom, which I’m positive happens naturally with parents because we all want to belong.

I dislike that she is requesting C not be at your birthday, there is no reason to head to a restaurant right now and take out in the backyard with everyone can be very special as well.

[klong11]

wedding how does your brother feel about it?

[trtlcrzy]

I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with this big life change. Do you feel like you want to have a relationship with Bob? I’m sorry that your grandmother was so awful to your mom and put her into that position.

[wedding]

Jul 1, 2020 12:17:53 GMT -6 klong11 said:

wedding how does your brother feel about it?

He seems to (and says) he is fine with it. I think he is seeing it as a positive that there could be a new relationship from all of this.

[wedding]

Jul 1, 2020 12:23:14 GMT -6 trtlcrzy said:

I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with this big life change. Do you feel like you want to have a relationship with Bob? I’m sorry that your grandmother was so awful to your mom and put her into that position.

I think so. My parents would meet him first so if that goes well I think I am open to it. 

[slenle]

Wow, that’s a lot! I hope, after some time, that this is positive thing and you can have a good relationship with Bob and his family.

[guster]

Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m sure it had been challenging to carry this all around with you. We’re here for you through all of this. ❤️

[jewels]

wedding that is a lot. Thank you for sharing it with us. I hope this turns into a good thing and a positive relationship in your life.

[lahdeedah]

wedding Big hugs. You have so much on your plate and despite what you may think, I think you are handling it well. No one can tell you how to feel or if you want a relationship with this person now. Your decisions should be respected.

This may be a silly question, but I chuckled every time I read Bob. Is that really his name? I’m sorry I laughed if it is. I first thought it was just a fill in, but the more you said it I thought maybe it’s his real name.

[wedding]

Bob is his real name. I laughed too. I thought my parents were keeping him anonymous🤷‍♀️

Before we had a name for C we called him Bob because it’s just so plain. I do love it for an animal name.

[chrisy01]

wedding big hugs. You are dealing with a lot right now. Just take it moment by moment and trust your gut. We are here if you need us.

[klong11]

Bob is one of Cadence's nicknames. It evolved from Bee. 🤷

[peachsmama]

Thats huge. Its crazy. I'm sorry she's not respecting your wishes. I'm very protective of my mom as well so I understand your feelings of wanting to keep it from others. I hope as time goes on, healthy boundaries and relationships can be formed.

Thank you for sharing with us. We love you.

[lahdeedah]

Jul 1, 2020 17:18:36 GMT -6 wedding said:

Bob is his real name. I laughed too. I thought my parents were keeping him anonymous🤷‍♀️

Before we had a name for C we called him Bob because it’s just so plain. I do love it for an animal name.

I think it was funny because Bob was a kind but weird older man that was in my professional program and it just tickled me to think of him.

[kim22]

Wow that’s a lot. I hope it all works out for the better and you can all be happy you have connected. Keep us posted if you feel comfortable.

[tallb]

This is a lot! Talk about a lot to process.. I hope that things can calm down and there may be potential for a good relationship down the road, but that will take time.

Also it's your birthday celebration too, so I am team hard pass on going out and getting a sitter. (I get the hard to push back thing though, but still)

[jewels]

Oh yeah, the birthday thing. This gets me every year when you mention it. I feel like birthdays etc should default to the younger or milestone one. Like sure, if it's her 70th or something, let her have it. But all the others, you should be the default.

I would not be getting a sitter and going out. And for once you have the perfect excuse since you can say you are not comfortable with someone in your home.

[wineallthetime]

Oh wow. That's a lot, wedding! If it brings any comfort we have friends who went through kind of a similar situation a couple years ago. His dad had a one night stand and didn't realize he got a woman pregnant before he met his current wife. The son found him from one of those DNA/ancestry kit things and reached out. Now they're all very close!

We love you and are here for you as you navigate all of this.

[inthekitty]

Oof, that's a lot wedding. I'm sorry you've been going through so much and your mom has been pressuring you to feel a certain way about it. As previously mentioned, no one has the right to try to push you into something you're not ready for or how to feel, especially when family drama is inevitable. I hope in time it ends up being a positive thing and maybe a relationship forms with Bob, or at least having skeletons out of the closet will eventually improve the family dynamic.

As far as the birthday goes, I'm team backyard BBQ. You have the perfect excuse with the pandemic. It's not cool of your mom to pressure you to leave C out, especially for the 2nd year in a row.

I confess I also loled at Bob and wondered if that was his real name. In a horse show the girls are obsessed with, one of the horses is named Bob. It takes place in the UK so it's pronounced with a British accent and Cass talks about "Bob" all the time with the accent. Cracks me up.

[lahdeedah]

I also have a story not quite like this, but similar wedding re: brother. I didn’t want to take over the thread yesterday, but I’ll share if you want to know. It won’t really give any other perspective because, like you, I just ignore and put it to the side because...just no.

[wedding]

Jul 2, 2020 12:29:01 GMT -6 lahdeedah said:

I also have a story not quite like this, but similar wedding re: brother. I didn’t want to take over the thread yesterday, but I’ll share if you want to know. It won’t really give any other perspective because, like you, I just ignore and put it to the side because...just no.

Please share!

[lahdeedah]

Ok.

So obv PDQ.


I’ll delete later...

[inthekitty]

lahdeedah, wow. Sometimes life is more like a soap opera, isn't it? I've got several crazy elements like that with my family and in a similar vein I choose not to devote much energy to it. I figure I've got enough to focus on with my own immediate family. Sorry for the situation and how your dad has handled it all these years.

[jewels]

wow lahdeedah that is a lot.

[guster]

That sounds so complicated, lahdeedah. We’re here if you ever need to talk about it.