trtlcrzy
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Post by trtlcrzy on May 9, 2020 18:03:10 GMT -6
For us it was mostly an emotional decision. Before I had any kids I always said I only wanted 2 but that obviously changed. Mainly I was concerned about when, because I didn’t want them too close together. This baby is a little farther apart from S than I wanted but it’s all fine. I don’t want 4 though, because that’s too many kids for me.
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Post by flamingo on May 9, 2020 18:20:45 GMT -6
I waffled about a 3rd more than DH. He always wanted 2 and it would have taken me really being gung-ho to get him on board with another, I think.
Practically speaking, for these last few years of his military career and then once he goes to the airlines, my H will be gone A LOT. So a third would have largely fallen on me, plus balancing school and activities for the big kids solo.
DH's big thing was that each additional kid 'resets the clock'...we'd be that much farther from having college paid for, kids out of the house, being able to do some of the trips we want to take (with/without kids), etc. He is a bit older than me so I could see where he was coming from.
This will sound terrible, but what finally cemented it for me was spending a weekend with my nephew when he was about 14 months, lol. I enjoyed my kids being babies, but after that I knew I didn't want to go back to that stage.
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kim22
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Post by kim22 on May 9, 2020 19:12:10 GMT -6
I planned and prepared for every detail in my life but when it came to kids, I just kinda let what would be, be. DH wanted 2, I wanted 3 so we had 4 😂 I like to be busy and stressed, it’s how I do my best work. I also probably am one of those freaks that would never have felt “done” having babies. If it wasn’t for my 4 c-sections, I would have probably been expecting a quarantine baby by now.
Whatever you decide, someday you won’t see it any other way.
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trtlcrzy
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Post by trtlcrzy on May 9, 2020 19:17:46 GMT -6
flamingo that's interesting! While I definitely could go without more diapers and motn feedings, I do think of one more as extension of the sweet innocent little kid days! Although now that A is almost 3 it's nice to have some more flexibility. And DH and I do want to be able to travel, take the kids places. And be able to involve them in activities, sports, etc. It's like I can see the next phase of life calling me but I'm not sure I'm ready to step through that door! Re: other kids babies, I wish I had a pull one way or the other. I just met my coworker's newborn, and didnt feel a pang for those days, but also wasn't feeling a sense of "glad I'm not doing this again!" When we were having issues ttc this time I had a few moments of thinking maybe it was for the best that we weren’t getting pregnant because the kids are getting easier to do things with and I didn’t have to “start over”. But I know I would have been super bummed to not have a 3rd in the long run. Plus I really, really love the nb/infant stage. |
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slenle
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Post by slenle on May 9, 2020 19:59:18 GMT -6
I’m one of 4 and Dh just has a sister. I’ve always though my family as more fun. Haha. But really, I knew I wanted 3 for sure. Dh would have been fine being done at 2 but i knew we weren’t complete. Another thing i think of - we’ll have adult children longer than children under our roof, so I’d like a bigger family down the road. We waited a year longer than I originally thought we would for #3 which had its pros and cons. H was a handful toddler, so a baby would have been a lot to add to that. Now the kids are 6 and 4, which is great since they are helpful, but also harder because we were so far past the baby stage it almost felt like starting over. We were finally used to them being pretty independent and comfortable leaving them with grandparents for a weekend, and now it’ll be a while before we get that again (my choice). But now that L is here, I am 100% done. Definitely feel complete and ready to purge the baby stuff. The newborn stage was great. Months 3-6 were rough, but the past month had been great again and he’s really fun to be around  |
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Post by lahdeedah on May 9, 2020 20:18:20 GMT -6
I think I thought I wanted 3, but I think 2 is good for me now. I don’t love pregnancy at all and even though M was a great baby, adding number 2 was way harder than I thought it would be. I should say it was harder mentally and emotionally for me. I already don’t feel like I give the two I have enough and I know adding a third would really take its toll.
It’s a combination of that, Mh’s job/schedule, living away from family and not having a great support system, and what I would have to sacrifice if we added a third like travel, experiences, etc. I would also probably need to work full time forever if we had a third, where as right now I don’t. I love working and it’s the one area of my life where I feel like I shine. I will always work, but right now I don’t “have” to be full time to feel secure in where we are financially.
Whatever choice you make will be right for you!
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Post by peachsmama on May 9, 2020 22:33:49 GMT -6
I’m one of 4 and Dh just has a sister. I’ve always though my family as more fun. Haha. But really, I knew I wanted 3 for sure. Dh would have been fine being done at 2 but i knew we weren’t complete. Another thing i think of - we’ll have adult children longer than children under our roof, so I’d like a bigger family down the road. We waited a year longer than I originally thought we would for #3 which had its pros and cons. H was a handful toddler, so a baby would have been a lot to add to that. Now the kids are 6 and 4, which is great since they are helpful, but also harder because we were so far past the baby stage it almost felt like starting over. We were finally used to them being pretty independent and comfortable leaving them with grandparents for a weekend, and now it’ll be a while before we get that again (my choice). But now that L is here, I am 100% done. Definitely feel complete and ready to purge the baby stuff. The newborn stage was great. Months 3-6 were rough, but the past month had been great again and he’s really fun to be around Literally exact same feelings. I originally wanted 6. When M was born I said 4. And it wasn't until a pregnancy scare a few months back that I knew we were done. It was the first time I ever felt relieved at a negative test. A took in his "sample" yesterday so we'll know Monday if he's sterile. |
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nam2013
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Post by nam2013 on May 9, 2020 23:38:57 GMT -6
This was an emotional decision. Somehow the first two where a ‘given’ and this felt more ‘optional’ for lack of a better word. I’ve always wanted 3-4 kids, Dh wanted 3.
Poof
Dh and I both have two sisters, so I’m sure that plays a part too.
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Post by wineallthetime on May 10, 2020 5:02:22 GMT -6
I’m one of 4 and Dh just has a sister. I’ve always though my family as more fun. Haha. But really, I knew I wanted 3 for sure. Dh would have been fine being done at 2 but i knew we weren’t complete. Another thing i think of - we’ll have adult children longer than children under our roof, so I’d like a bigger family down the road. We waited a year longer than I originally thought we would for #3 which had its pros and cons. H was a handful toddler, so a baby would have been a lot to add to that. Now the kids are 6 and 4, which is great since they are helpful, but also harder because we were so far past the baby stage it almost felt like starting over. We were finally used to them being pretty independent and comfortable leaving them with grandparents for a weekend, and now it’ll be a while before we get that again (my choice). But now that L is here, I am 100% done. Definitely feel complete and ready to purge the baby stuff. The newborn stage was great. Months 3-6 were rough, but the past month had been great again and he’s really fun to be around This is very much us. I always thought I'd have 4 (I'm one of 4). But feel done and complete at 3! My two older were 4.5 and 23mo when A was born. Going from 1-2 was WAY harder than going from 2-3 for me. I will agree that I love that the older two (6 and 4 now also) can be much more independent while chasing a 2 year old outside and trying to get him not to climb on every table/counter can get a tad old haha |
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nam2013
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Post by nam2013 on May 10, 2020 8:16:12 GMT -6
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Post by wineallthetime on May 10, 2020 8:23:56 GMT -6
I think because the older two were used to not being the only child and C was a bit older and more independent! C had a reaaaalllly hard time adjusting to being a big brother the first time. Even with A in the hospital the first 6 weeks it was an easier transition for me! Plus, you're already used to juggling more than one kid. Remind me...will you find out if #3 is a boy or girl?? |
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Post by wineallthetime on May 10, 2020 8:31:43 GMT -6
mamabear, just do what I do when you're on the fence... don't be super careful and see what happens lol. With A I was chatting my ovulation and avoiding sex in that window with extra days built in for an added buffer. Obviously I knew this could happen but was still a tad surprised. Now that I'm 99.9% sure we don't want a 4th we are much more cautious. My middle was the only one we actually fully discussed and tried for 🤷
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nam2013
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Post by nam2013 on May 10, 2020 9:22:37 GMT -6
I think because the older two were used to not being the only child and C was a bit older and more independent! C had a reaaaalllly hard time adjusting to being a big brother the first time. Even with A in the hospital the first 6 weeks it was an easier transition for me! Plus, you're already used to juggling more than one kid. Remind me...will you find out if #3 is a boy or girl?? Nope, team green over here. And yes by that time ds will be 7 (wth) and Dd 4.5, so a lot more independent than ds was at 2.5. |
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tallb
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Post by tallb on May 10, 2020 12:16:57 GMT -6
We were on the fence and decided to see what happens while we decided and then got pregnant on the first time it could have happened. So I don't recommend that approach. I was hanging on to all baby things and not ready to give them away, but also wary of the logistics and finances involved. We were making it work and now just surviving. The big kids adore her and get such joy from her, as do we, and we definitely feel like we are done.
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lfig
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Post by lfig on May 10, 2020 12:20:59 GMT -6
We were on the fence and decided to see what happens while we decided and then got pregnant on the first time it could have happened. So I don't recommend that approach. I was hanging on to all baby things and not ready to give them away, but also wary of the logistics and finances involved. We were making it work and now just surviving. The big kids adore her and get such joy from her, as do we, and we definitely feel like we are done. This was my sister going from 3 to 4. They were on the fence, and decided to let nature take its course while they figured it out. And BAM pregnant. It took her a long time to get pregnant with her first and with her twins. And she said had they waited 1 more month there probably wouldn’t have been a #4 because the twins hit the terrible two stage and it was rough. 😂 |
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chrisy01
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Post by chrisy01 on May 11, 2020 9:02:25 GMT -6
I’m going to be honest our decision has been fully financial at this point. We would struggle if we had a 3rd. C joked the other day about winning the lottery and going for a 3rd and I said nope I’m done. Which I thought would never happen. I love both my kids but I’m struggling with the 2 and a third would push me over the edge mentally. However C hasn’t gotten procedure yet and I’m only on an iud so I could always change my mind.
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tgrimes
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Post by tgrimes on May 11, 2020 10:02:31 GMT -6
I can't afford another child and I'm out of bedrooms. Also with my PPA after both kids, I just don't think my marriage would survive going through it again. So, we're done.
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jewels
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Post by jewels on May 11, 2020 11:08:36 GMT -6
mamabear - I, personally, feel we had no other choice. I was very AMA with both kids, and now I would be almost ridiculously so, which would open me up to so many more complications. I don't think my marriage could handle that, nor do I want to be close to 70 and still have kids in college. Adding into that the fact that under normal circumstances MH travels so much, it just seems impossible. I miss the baby stage and lament that I will never have a newborn again. It definitely saddens me. But I know without hesitation that it is the right choice for our family.
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cagoldi
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Post by cagoldi on May 11, 2020 12:02:38 GMT -6
I’m in a different boat than most, but I was adamant about NOT wanting three.
There was no part of me that didn’t want to be done having children. My own health problems, severe PPA/PPD which were exacerbated terribly after Poppy’s birth, financial stress, feeling the time crunch, trying to deal with X’s delays and him getting in the process of being diagnosed right as P was born was all just too much. It still is. I love Sparky and will never regret being her mom and the boys having a sister, but the cost to my health, the time I can’t devote to developing X the way I want to, and the ultimate end of our marriage is too great a cost.
Again, I want to emphasize this is a very different situation since it was communicated to Pete I did not want more children, so our partnership was clearly already in trouble.
If you decide to TTC again, I would strongly recommend getting out ahead of any potential issues that remain from previous mental health struggles. And, IME, new babies have a way of finding those spots where you might not have even anticipated there could be a problem, so I would do a ton of work on figuring out what that might mean for you.
I know that I cannot get my brain back the way it was before. In some ways, that’s great. These babies are making me become the most loving human I possibly can. But it’s also terrifying knowing how dark things can get and that if I go back to that place, they won’t have a mother.
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Post by peachsmama on May 11, 2020 12:54:11 GMT -6
Before our scare, I was adamant that we weren't done and I wanted 4. A was adamant that we were done and he only wanted 3. We both admitted we were afraid of the other resenting them because of whatever choice we made.
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Post by wineallthetime on May 12, 2020 9:26:29 GMT -6
I can't afford another child and I'm out of bedrooms. Also with my PPA after both kids, I just don't think my marriage would survive going through it again. So, we're done. Besides the financial aspect, was it hard to come to terms with that decision? I'm hopeful we'd get ahead of any PPA but the. I wonder if I'm playing with fire I will say getting on meds during pregnancy was a game changer for me. I was in a completely different mental state after A was born...and that's saying a lot because he had a very traumatic delivery and then long hospital stay. I was shocked my anxiety was pretty minimal. Nothing like the first 2. |
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tgrimes
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Post by tgrimes on May 12, 2020 10:13:12 GMT -6
I can't afford another child and I'm out of bedrooms. Also with my PPA after both kids, I just don't think my marriage would survive going through it again. So, we're done. Besides the financial aspect, was it hard to come to terms with that decision? I'm hopeful we'd get ahead of any PPA but the. I wonder if I'm playing with fire Yes and no. Lol. It wasn't until my loss after H that I realized being done after 2 was for the best. 1- that was my 2nd loss and I didn't want to go through that again. 2-we were pretty happy with the way things were with just the 2. |
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tgrimes
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Post by tgrimes on May 12, 2020 10:13:22 GMT -6
If you can afford a 3rd and you're questioning it this much, it sounds like trying for a 3rd is what you want to do. Your kids being older by the time a 3rd hypothetically would arrive, definitely helps. They'll be more independent and allow you to focus more on the baby.
If the PPA is what concerns you the most, you can get on medication before you deliver. It doesn't always work 100% of the time for everyone though. I know a few people that are not on our board anymore still struggled a bit, even with medication. But a lot of my friends that started earlier with meds swear that helped them tremendously.
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inthekitty
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Post by inthekitty on May 13, 2020 7:59:53 GMT -6
I come from a family of 4 and originally wanted 4 or 5 of my own. There will always be a part of me that wonders about a third. Most of the decision is practical for me. My husband is much older than I am (which also adds to health risks). I want to travel a lot more in the future and that's much easier with 2 than 3. I don't think my marriage would survive it. Many times I don't feel like I have the time I want to devote to my 2, adding a third in the mix would just make me stretched thinner.
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