AMAZING update!!! Tw *parental health* tw *divorce*

[xolastunicornxo]

Guys, I’m sorry. I’m starting a thread because I am not doing well, but I don’t want to bring down the thread. I feel like my whole family is collapsing and I feel like I’m drowning.

I’ve told you my mom is having health/memory/issues. It’s getting worse. She totaled her car last week (everyone is fine). My dad tells me she’s barely sleeping and having fights with people who aren’t there. She’s paranoid and angry. I’m going with her to the dr and we should have the results of the mri. I’m so scared I can’t breathe. And my dads not doing ok, and he’s not going to do ok. Alcoholism runs in our family and I’m worried he’s going to start drinking if we get bad news and/or if things keep going downhill.

Then my sister text me and asked to chat tonight. I assumed she wanted an update on mom. Nope. She dropped a fucking bombshell that she and my bil are divorcing. They have been together since they were 17. They are ultimate relationship goals. They have three kids. He’s been in my life since I was 4 and I am completely devestated.

I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t know how to handle all this.

[flamingo]

Oh my goodness, Unicorn, this breaks my heart. I don't even know what to say but I didn't want to read and not post. I'm so sorry you're going through this with your parents. And then add in your sister's news and whoa. Was there any clue they were having issues?

I guess I would advise you to just take it one day at a time. I know that's not particularly helpful but I think trying to look down the road longterm at this point is going to feel even more devastating :/ Hopefully once you have some more information from your mom's healthcare team, even if it's worst case scenario, at least you will know what you're dealing with and can start helping your parents formulate a plan. Maybe your dad will do better once he can take some concrete actions. I think the not knowing is maybe the hardest part of situations like these.

My grandmother had Lewy Bodies disease, she was diagnosed young--in her 60s. If the doctor doesn't mention that tomorrow, might be worth inquiring about. There are some things that differentiate it from something like Alzheimers or vascular dementia. The sleep issues, hallucinations, paranoia, and angry outbursts you are describing make me wonder.

So many hugs to you guys. I will keep y'all in my thoughts and prayers.

[peachsmama]

I'm so sorry! No advice but didnt want to not post after reading. That is way to much for any one person, I bet you do feel like you're drowning! Did your sister give a reason?

[klong11]

When MIL was diagnosed with early onset dementia she began showing similar traits. Look up "sundowning". Basically, as the sun goes down their symptoms, agitation, forgetfulness, etc., seems to get worse. MIL had many conversations in the middle of the night and argued quite a bit with FIL then as well.

I'm sorry your family is having to go through this. Something that really helped FIL with the stress of it all was to have a day helper come in a few days a week just so he could get away and have done time to himself.

You might also look into various classes/activity centers that focus on the Alzheimer community. They are just things she can do to keep her mind active and possibly slow the forgetfulness. I know she has yet to be diagnosed, but it could still be helpful.

Again, I am very sorry.

[Sunny41]

First, you and yh are relationship goals.

Where are you going for the MRI? Barrow has the best dementia experts in the phx region. Do you have any anxiolitics for the scan? Can you call in to her dr to get an ativan? They don't provide them at the scanner. Don't give it to her before checking in, you don't want it to wear off if there is a long wait. With her symptoms this might be best so they can get a good MRI on her. They won't let you in the scanner with her but you can ask for updates if it is going to be long.
With regard to diagnosis or after care, get help to the house. Get your dad the number for a counselor and support group. I'm not sure if it would help but the are lots of research studies going on there and that might give them something to feel a part of. You might ask if a PET scan would help with her treatment and diagnosis.

Feel free to PM me any questions, my area is dementia and mri/pet scans.

[Sunny41]

I'm sorry about your mom's health and your sister's relationship. I know the are lots of tough changes going on and you just want to curl up in a ball and be by yourself. You will be a shoulder for your dad, mom, and sister and it will be tough. You need to make a plan early or a safe word that says this is too much for me right now.
Big hugs!

[vino]

Oh Unicorn, I’m so sorry. This is a lot happening at once and it’s all so heartbreaking. I hope you’re able to get some answers for your Mom tomorrow and get a plan in place for her. As far as your Dad, when you’re there tomorrow ask if there is respit care. Someone will come to hang with your Mom and give your Dad some time, caregiver burnout is real and hopefully they’re able to help.

That totally sucks about your sister and BIL, how sad

If there is anything you need please let is know, we’re here for you and love you ❤️❤️

[nam2013]

No advise, but I’m so so sorry. That is a lot. I don’t have any idea how their divorce is, and this is anecdotal, but my aunt and her then partner split up a longggg time ago (like 30years ago). They kept being amicable and my mom him (who saw him as a brother) are still friends. They both found new partners and all of them where at my wedding.

Big big hugs, where here any time you need to talk.

[trtlcrzy]

I’m so sorry, this is too much. I hope you’re able to get some answers tomorrow for your mom.

[guster]

I’m so sorry, @unicorn. That’s a lot for you to handle. We’re here for you if you want to talk. I hope the appointment goes well, and there’s a way to put a plan in place for your mom and dad that makes it a little more tolerable for everyone.

[kim22]

I’m sorry, your plate is full enough taking care of your kids. I hope the appointment goes ok. Maybe your dad will surprise you. My FIL has 2 types of cancer and my MIL managed everything for him. When she had a stroke and passed suddenly, we didn’t think he would do well but he has handled all his medical stuff and made a bunch of friends and we rarely see him because he’s busy and we are happy for him.

While your sister’s news was a shock to you, it may have been a long time coming for her and if it’s what she wants, in time she will be happier.

[lahdeedah]

I’m sorry this is hitting you all at once. Previous posters gave great advice. Maybe ask her doctor about what she can do to help her sleep at night?

Ditto to what Sunny41 said. A lot of patients think we can give them something when they come for scans, but they have to get those meds from their doctor before they come to the appointment.

Also sorry to hear about your sister. I’m sure it’s hard on everyone.

We’re here for you to vent and for support anytime. Big big hugs. Please try to take it one day at a time and give yourself some grace.

[wedding]

I’m really sorry. I don’t have any advice except to make sure to take care of you first.

[mwhip]

This is a lot for one family at one time, I'm so sorry for all of you. Would your parents consider a home for your mom? Somewhere that can monitor, but that you dad can also stay or visit? To take some of the stress off him and the family? I hope you get some answers today and I'm glad no one was hurt in the wreck.

Also sorry to hear about your sister. I will say, when I divorced, very few in my circle knew we were even having issues. You put on a happy front so as not to worry everyone, but at some point, you can't take it anymore and have to move on. I know it's hard, but I hope she finds happiness.

Hugs to all of you.

[snoopmommymom]

I’m sorry Unicorn. That’s a lot to deal with. I agree with what Klongoria said about sundowners. My mom is going through that with my grandma right now. Alzheimer’s is tough on the family. My aunt was diagnosed in her 50’s. There will be good days and very forgetful days. Both your mom and dad are lucky to have you. Hang in there.

[lfig]

So sorry unicorn! You’ve got a lot on your plate as a mom of 4, but now to add in this....

My MIL was sick for a very long time. Dementia was her biggest issue, and it’s hard to watch. My FIL was her caregiver and it was tough for him. I definitely think you need to check into respite care. As well as look for activities at a local community center or something. Bingo, card games, something....that will give them something to do and be around people. With my grandpa, who currently is battling Alzheimer’s, when he was in the early stages staying active helped a ton. It kept his mind going.

As far as your sister and bil go. I hope it is amicable and you and bil can still be a part of each other’s lives. I know it must’ve been a shock.

Lots of hugs to you. Take a deep breath and take it one day at a time.

[tgrimes]

Son of a bitch! Why does everything have to happen at once? I'm really sorry you're having a tough time dealing with all of this.

Is her appt today for the MRI results?

I'm very similar to you and see the big picture of everything and immediately start worrying about every detail. So, I'll suggest getting a notebook and start writing everything down in order for you to just take one day at a time. We're here for you, no matter what you need. Just let us know.

[xolastunicornxo]

Thank you everyone, I love you guys. I’m struggling today and I didn’t sleep well last night, but I need to put on my big girl pants for my moms appointment today.

Sunny41 she did the mri right before Christmas so we should be getting the results today. I may pm you if I have questions after.

My sister and bil is just literally the most blindsiding news I ever expected. But she seems ok, it actually seems like she was the one that wasn’t happy. It was brave of her to follow her heart, because the easy choice would have been to just stay. My bil is a great guy, and amazing father, and they also have family money. She didn’t have to work, and neither did he. They both got to stay home with the kids, had lots of disposable income to do fun stuff, etc. almost a year ago she picked up a part time job, I think she was just feeling stifled and she wanted some independence. Anyway, point is I know she’s following her heart even though it’s the harder choice. It seems like they want to keeps things very amicable right now, kids 50/50 and mediation instead of lawyers. She already got a new house that close to the old one.

I’m worried about what this news will do to my parents though, especially my mom. And I’m worried my dad is going to react in a negative way that will drive a wedge between him and my sister, when we really need to all come together right now.

I’m sorry, I’m just blabbing a stream of consciousness right now.

I’m the youngest by quite a bit and I remember growing up I was always so mad because no one ever told me anything and I was always the last to know anything. I miss those days.

[tgrimes]

What time is the appt? I would start imagining different scenarios of the results and have a list of questions to ask the doctor for each scenario. I'm odd and immediately prepare myself for worst case scenario, just in case.

[xolastunicornxo]

Jan 11, 2019 9:03:42 GMT -6 tgrimes said:

What time is the appt? I would start imagining different scenarios of the results and have a list of questions to ask the doctor for each scenario. I'm odd and immediately prepare myself for worst case scenario, just in case.

It’s at 11. I have a tentative list.

[tgrimes]

Jan 11, 2019 9:13:05 GMT -6 xolastunicornxo said:

Jan 11, 2019 9:03:42 GMT -6 tgrimes said:

What time is the appt? I would start imagining different scenarios of the results and have a list of questions to ask the doctor for each scenario. I'm odd and immediately prepare myself for worst case scenario, just in case.

It’s at 11. I have a tentative list.

Good.  You may want to record what the doctor says on your phone, too.  Just in case you miss something or you get emotional and can't process everything right then.  

[xolastunicornxo]

Jan 11, 2019 9:17:04 GMT -6 tgrimes said:

Jan 11, 2019 9:13:05 GMT -6 xolastunicornxo said:

It’s at 11. I have a tentative list.

Good.  You may want to record what the doctor says on your phone, too.  Just in case you miss something or you get emotional and can't process everything right then.  

That’s a good idea, especially since I have to relay everything back to my dad. Thank you.

[inthekitty]

I'm so sorry unicorn. Any one of those things is hard to deal with and having it all at once has to be overwhelming. I wish you the best at the appointment today. I hope you get some answers and directions on what to do next. Has your dad had issues with alcohol in the past that leads you to think he would start drinking? If not maybe he'll avoid it. At the end of the day, as hard as it is, you can't manage how he copes with everything, but you can manage how you do. Take care of yourself. I'm thinking about you.

[jewels]

I have no better advice than everyone else already gave, but I just wanted to chime in to say it is a lot, and I'm sorry this is all happening

[cagoldi]

I’m so sorry your family is facing so many big challenges at once. Your mom’s condition seemed to accelerate kind of quickly, and that adds to the difficulty since no one has really been able to get their arms around the situation yet.

I don’t have any advice other than to echo what flamingo said, and it’s much easier said than done, but try not to borrow trouble by worrying about the what-ifs. And, of course, take whatever time you can find to make sure you are ministering to your own needs.

Hoping you get some answers and a good plan for a way forward today.

[joelies]

Just wanted to send some love. I'm so sorry about everything with your Mom but I agree that you should look for support in the dementia community. You could use the support, commiseration, advice, etc. As for your sister, I get it. My best friend and her STBXH are both friends of mine from high school, so while we don't go back quite as far, it was a punch in the gut when she first told me. I hope they keep things amicable as time goes on and I hope your Dad can be respectful of what she's going through. And hopefully she can give him a bit of leeway if he's not. Lots of hugs, lady.

[vino]

Thinking of you xolastunicornxo, lots of love

[tallb]

All the hugs. This is so much to deal with.

For the divorce, I'm glad your sister is going for what makes her happy, but I'd prob still need to mourn the changes, since your BIL is family too at this point. I'm glad things are amicable though, but still, that's tough.

I'm glad your mom is including you in appointments, but I'm still so sad this is happening. Sending you strength♥️

[mskatiep]

I don't have anything too add to what everyone has said, but I just wanted to give you *hugs* and let you know I'll be thinking of you and your family.

[xolastunicornxo]

You guys! Whatever you put into the universe helped. Are you ready for this? Her brain scan came back clean! Only normal signs of aging. But get this... her blood work showed incredibly low b12 levels. And that can apparently cause: memory issues, confusion, mood swings, depression and anxiety. That coupled with the sleep issues and “night terrors” (the doctor is now calling them) and only really getting 4/5 hours a night he thinks was making it worse. I started sobbing in the office, I was 100% planning for worst case.

So plan is a stronger sleeping pill to get her through the night, b12 tablets, and b12 injections, and check back in in two weeks.

If the night issues continue he will send her to a neurologist for further testing, but the fact that the mri came back clean... I’m floored and grateful.

I called dh and asked him if I was crazy and if I had been blowing things out of proportion, and he said absolutely not he thought we were dealing with some sort of debentures diagnoses too.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I cannot tell me how much your support and advice meant to me today... I was falling apart and you guys pulled me together.

I still have to deal with my sister and the divorce, but for the rest of this weekend I’m going to bask in this good news and the huge weight that has been lifted.