nikkipal
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Post by nikkipal on Jul 19, 2018 7:10:31 GMT -6
This board doesn’t seem very active, but I’d like a place to vent, so here I am. Was pregnant with my second (I have a 4y dtr), and went in for my 8wk US and intake appointment. They found a fluid collection in my abdomen (which has been there, I guess related to previous abdominal surgeries). There was a gestational sac, no yolk sac, and of course, no baby.
They drew an HCG that day, and now I’m back for my second lab draw (2 sticks, no blood yet). I’m in the same stupid lab chair as when I had my drawn in when I was pregnant with my dtr.
Ok. They brought in a nurse and she got it. I’m so freaking glad to be out of there. I have an appointment in Family Planning this afternoon. Preop appointment tomorrow, and D&C in the OR next Tuesday. I’m hoping everything looks good so that we can proceed as planned. I was tracking ovulation, and there’s really no way I’m not having a miscarriage.
I’m really heartbroken. We had told DD about the pregnancy, so now she’s processing everything too. Yesterday she said she wants the baby back and now she’ll never be a big sister. That slayed me, and we cried about it together. Mostly, she is understanding, and being really good about sharing her feelings. My husband has been great too. My mom is coming to town for my D&C.
I go from from feeling numb to just completely devistated. Part of me didn’t feel like the pregnancy was real (I felt that way with DD until she was born). I just feel like I’m moving through this cloud of sadness. I’m off work for a bit, and trying to be gentle with myself. I’m nervous about the D&C and anxious to get through it.
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hawkward
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Post by hawkward on Jul 19, 2018 7:36:42 GMT -6
I’m so sorry for your loss.
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Post by oldbaylover1024 on Jul 19, 2018 7:40:20 GMT -6
I'm so sorry for your loss {{hugs}} I hope the D&C goes smoothly. I've had two and I know some other women on this board have as well. Feel free to ask any questions. Both my procedures went very smoothly. I basically was put under, came out of the anesthesia in recovery, and was discharged shortly afterward. I hope it all goes well for you, too.
The emotions come in waves. Let them come and process them. We're hear, too. Saying it's a lot to process is a huge understatement. Is there anyone your DD can stay with for a night so you can have an evening alone to deal with some of these feelings? I had two losses before I had my rainbow son, and it was nice to send my rainbow DD off for a night so I could cry and deal with my emotions without holding back in front of her.
{{hugs}}
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nikkipal
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Post by nikkipal on Jul 19, 2018 9:41:02 GMT -6
Thanks for the replies, I do have questions. I appreciate hearing that your D&Cs went well. I have a friend that had it done in the office, and her experience was terrible. I’m glad to have the option of getting it done in the OR.
Did anyone get any gift or something as a small memorial? I looked at a few things on Etsy, and there are a lot of options. Some speak to me and some do not. I’m just curious.
I have some feelings about the fact that there was nothing there but a gestational sac. I don’t really get what that means. I had so many pregnancy symptoms, so I was hopeful that it was a good sign. I guess from my reading, the chromosomes likely didn’t combine correctly, but my body just went along like there was something there. I will ask at clinic today.
They mentioned that they would do pathology on the D&C products, but I’m not sure what they’re testing for? I guess maybe hereditary conditions that would make future pregnancies problematic?
Anyway, thanks again. I know that this is really common, but the social stigma about discussing it makes it feel so ducking isolating.
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Post by oldbaylover1024 on Jul 19, 2018 10:19:11 GMT -6
My D&Cs were in an OR, not my OB's office.
MH and I bought a small memory box where we kept some mementoes - hospital bands, notes from family/friends, stuff from the OB visits, etc. I know some women have purchased jewelry from Etsy and some families plant trees/bushes/flowers.
In my experience, the tissue was tested for abnormalities. We never received an answer for our losses, the tissue showed no abnormalities. It was unsettling and I was not prepared for that. It's also tough to get 100% clarity from the tissue since some of yours can be intermingled. Ask your clinicians.
The social stigma sucks, but this is a safe place {{hugs}}
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Post by enchanted on Jul 19, 2018 10:29:26 GMT -6
I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so devastating and I hate that you have joined the crappy club.
I didn't have a D&C so I can't help there. My husband bought me a necklace that I wear daily. Etsy has quite a few beautiful options for loss jewelry.
I know this board isn't super active, but there are posters who check the loss boards daily and we're here to listen and be your shoulder.
I hope the D&C procedure goes smoothly and you are able to rest.
Be gentle with yourself. The first two weeks were absolute hell. It just takes time. Eventually, you'll have more good days than bad.
Hugs!
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sarahh
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Post by sarahh on Jul 19, 2018 12:38:45 GMT -6
I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had two losses - one I had a D&C and the other was natural. My D&C was a blighted ovum which sounds like is the same as you. I had a ton of pregnancy symptoms but there was also no baby for me. That was my first loss. The D&C was easy but I had a lot of trouble emotionally trying to understand why and I'm not sure anyone really knows why it happens. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve. I agree with oldbaylover1024 is there someone to watch your DD so you can have some time alone to process? Vent away here. There are a lot of us here to vent to.
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nikkipal
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Post by nikkipal on Jul 19, 2018 13:41:06 GMT -6
DD has been in daycare and I’ve been taking time off, so I do feel like I’m getting plenty of time to process. They just told me they’ve rescheduled my surgery for Thursday which is a bit annoying (but they did it for reasons related to my safety, so that’s good). I am being seen first thing, so I will have much of the day while DD is at school. I’ve been feeling anxious to get it over with, so I hadn’t given much thought to how I would feel after. It’s good to know it may be terrible.
I got my ultrasound report this afternoon, it looks like it probably is blighted ovum. I have a repeat us scheduled for Tuesday, and I’m wondering if it would give any new information. I’m pretty sure it would be insanely triggering to go through again, so I’d rather not. The nurse mentioned that didn’t I want to confirm it, but I honestly have zero hope that it’s a viable pregnancy. I know when I ovulated, and there is pretty much zero chance I would have conceived, miscarried, and conceived again.
DH’s stepmother called to check on me today. She’s never had a loss, and while she was being very sweet, I can’t help but being somewhat bothered by her comments. You know, maybe it’s God’s way of making sure I don’t get more than I can handle. I think she meant it in terms of the fact that most miscarriages are caused by severe genetic abnormalities. There’s just this annoying voice in the back of my head that thinks maybe she meant that I can’t handle parenting a second child, since I have mental health concerns. Gah!
All in all, this shit sucks. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Post by enchanted on Jul 19, 2018 14:28:02 GMT -6
Ooof. All the "God's plan" and "God needed another angel" stuff drives me over the edge. I know it's meant well, but it hurts. I'm sorry.
ETA: And coming from a mother-in-law, I can see why it nags at you that way. I'm sure she meant it kindly (re: a sick child). It still hurts, though.
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caer
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Post by caer on Jul 19, 2018 16:58:53 GMT -6
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’ve had two losses. My first was a D&C after a bad ultrasound at 8.5 weeks. The procedure was very easy - no pain, very little recovery, very quick. I was basically back to “normal” physically by the time I got home.
I never bought anything for myself for my first loss but my favorite gift was simple - a candle in the scent of the flower of the month my EDD. My second loss was just last week and I haven’t really decided if I’ll do anything this time. But definitely do what feels right for you. What you want is something that might become more apparent in time.
Please vent away. I know that this board isn’t very active but I know posters (me included) check it and are here to support you. Lots of love and support being sent your way.
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nikkipal
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Post by nikkipal on Jul 19, 2018 18:57:15 GMT -6
caer, thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve just had another loss. And of course, for all who have shared, I’m sorry for your losses. I guess what I really want to know is when it will stop hurting, and that doesn’t seem like something anyone can answer. People who are close to me have shared stories of losses that happened decades ago, and they still feel it.
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Post by enchanted on Jul 19, 2018 20:49:50 GMT -6
nikkipal It just gets...easier. You never forget and you will always know how old that baby should be, but you just find a way to live with it and find joy in life again. I'm six years out and really only have two or three days a year where it's raw again and maybe one or two where I actually cry. Like I said, it just gets easier.
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Yogurt
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Post by Yogurt on Jul 19, 2018 22:15:03 GMT -6
nikkipal, I am so sorry you find yourself here. I have had two very early losses, so I can't speak to the d&c, but I can understand how horrible the comments must have been to hear. Honestly, there is nothing to say but I'm so sorry and it just fucking sucks. Life can be so cruel and I am truely sorry. Please be gentle with yourself as you work through this. I hope your procedure is as easy as possible.
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caer
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Post by caer on Jul 20, 2018 4:52:44 GMT -6
nikkipal - I’ll just ditto enchanted and agree that it does get easier, even if it never goes away completely. FWIW, my first loss was also a MMC and I found that to be particularly difficult because there was a lot of shock involved. Like everything was fine until all of a sudden it wasn’t. So just be very gentle with yourself. This is all new and awful and heartbreaking. But there will be better and easier days ahead. (((Hugs)))
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purple
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Post by purple on Jul 20, 2018 6:36:04 GMT -6
nikkipal, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Comments like your MIL's are so difficult. I try to remind myself that no-one knows what to say. I've had one D&C. Mine was an emergency general anaesthetic the middle of the night following a heamorrhage and ambulance, but the process was straightforward. Physical recovery took a few weeks and was much more faster and less painful than the natural miscarriage I had. Once they had confirmed that it needed to be done I was taken straight to theatre and was back on the ward in 90 minutes. I was nil by mouth and on a drip for the rest of the night, but I was discharged in the morning. Make sure they give you the good painkillers. I needed dihydrocodeine at least once a day for the first week. It sounds as though you have lots of care for your dd. That's good. I went straight back to full time parenting 36 hours after my d&c because my daughter was only eleven months old, and it was a big mistake. With my natural miscarriage which was a Monday evening, I was able to arrange care for the rest of the week, and my physical and emotional recovery were much faster. You are the important person at the moment. Don't be afraid to ask for help. If you need to tell the world about your loss, do so. If you need to keep quiet about it, do that. Miscarriage is a huge taboo still, which is ridiculous for something so common. But only you know what you need to do, and if it's different every day, that's okay too. This isn't an active board, but it's an important one.
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Post by oldbaylover1024 on Jul 20, 2018 7:11:55 GMT -6
nikkipal - I'll +1 that it gets "easier" in a sense you learn to live around the grief. I have days that are tough, but they're fewer and farther between, 6 years later. Certain milestones are hard, certain days are hard, but you kind of learn to function and get through it. I won't say it goes away, but it becomes a part of you and you learn to adapt to the "new normal." My first two losses were MMC and they definitely hit me v v v hard. My other two losses were earlier and didn't require any D&Cs, so I was able to process them a bit differently, mainly because I was home in my own environment. I remember going in for the D&Cs on those mornings and really struggling. After the procedures I was okay - sad, emotional obviously, but okay. Be gentle on yourself and know that you are not alone. Regarding the comments... I hate to say this, but folks just don't know that a simple, "I'm sorry," is enough. They try to justify the loss to make you feel better and it's their way of comforting you. The 'God's plan' and 'angel' comments come from a good place. YES, they sting. YES, they are unwarranted and (sometimes) unwanted. Definitely be ready for more of those kinds of comments, unfortunately. As common as loss is, it's still a tough conversation for some people to have. And people that haven't experienced loss just don't get it, not that way a fellow loss parent does. I'm sorry you are experiencing those comments {{hugs}} I took advantage of some services my hospital offered and it really helped. Maybe reach out and see if there's a support line you can call or a group. I found it helpful to talk to someone in my dark moments. They also have a memorial service once a year and MH and I attend that service. And we're here, too. I know this board isn't super active, but women obviously care about what you're going through and want to support you. Again, you are not alone.
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Post by oldbaylover1024 on Jul 20, 2018 7:13:15 GMT -6
And I'll add that it's therapeutic for me to have a place like this. To know I can come here on a random day and talk about my losses and KNOW you guys get it. To have a place that is judgment free is VERY important to me.
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addymac
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Post by addymac on Jul 22, 2018 12:27:12 GMT -6
nikkipal, I'm so sorry i'm late to seeing this. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. There's not much more I can say that hasn't already been said. Time. I hate being told that time helps, but really, it does. The pain doesn't go away, it just... you just get used to it and it becomes are part of you, and then it's like welp okay then. Some days are harder than others. Some are easier. Some days you might feel "fine" or almost normal and then feel guilty - it's okay. I think you find a new normal. That's what I'd tell myself on days when I felt better but still had the pain there- it's a new normal. I had an MMC and had to have a d&c- I found it helped to have it all done and over with. despite having seen the baby on the u/s, we still sent the tissue for pathology - my dr wanted to make sure it was not a molar pregnancy because that can sideline you for several months, whereas a blighted ovum and "regular" mc, you are usually cleared to start trying again as soon as you want to. Most doctors don't do chromosomal testing on the tissue if it's your first MC, unless you push for it or have a history of chromosomal issues. Also - usually they do a final u/s to confirm - it's not that they think you conceived, mc'd, and conceived again - it's to make sure that it was an MC - like it wasn't a super late implantation and that the last u/s you had wasn't just too early, and that there is the original baby in there. It also is a confirmation for them, to proceed with the d&c. I *think* if you want to avoid it, they will most likely just do one right before the d&c in the OR- that's what they did for me, although there was really no doubt in anyone's mind that it was an MMC- they did one more u/s before going in, the day of my d&c. I was knocked out so I didn't have to see it again. I read you were wondering about a blighted ovum- like why a sac but no baby - blighted ovum basically means that everything started okay - conception, but then something went... wrong... for lack of a better word, and your baby stopped growing before it could grow and implant, but your body didn't realize it and kept going with the sac. Usually it's "just" a chromosomal abnormality, the cells realize it, and they... self-destruct... for lack of a better word. I hope this helped. Also... people will say really shitty fucking things. come here and vent. I would not have gotten through my loss without these ladies. We are here for you. The things my own family members said to me were so hurtful, I'm still not "over" some of the shit some friends said to me when they found out about my loss, but you learn to move on from it... Sending you hugs and remember to be gentle with yourself. <3
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addymac
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Post by addymac on Jul 22, 2018 12:31:17 GMT -6
Oh, as for memorial pieces - yes. I got a memory box, we put all the things we had in there - initial u/s pics, our pee stick (sorry not sorry, I kept it), and a few mementos I got off Etsy- a necklace and an ornament. I got a necklace with a bead for the EDD month and a pendant with a saying. I got a christmas ornament with footprints. and I put a bracelet a friend sent me for christmas that year. I also got a Molly Bear, so when I was ready, I moved the Molly Bear from my bedside to the box. It helped to have tangible things to hold onto when I felt that I had nothing to remember my baby by.
<3
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nikkipal
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Post by nikkipal on Jul 22, 2018 20:43:17 GMT -6
Thanks again to all of you who have shared. I can’t begin to say how much it helps. The weekend was ok, although I’ve been on and off really bitchy to my husband, which I feel badly about. He’s been mostly understanding.
Today I went to church. I cried quite a bit while I was there. DD goes back to children’s church after about 15 minutes, so that wasn’t so bad. Maybe it was the babies there, or the fact that just a week ago I was looking fondly at families with more than one kiddo and thinking about our growing family. Or the fact that I loved singing there when I was pregnant with DD, knowing she could hear me. Probably all of it brought the tears.
We have a prayer ministry after church where you can go and request confidential prayer. I joined three women (who had prayed for me a couple of years ago when I was dealing with anxiety), and I told them what I was going through. They held my hands and had their arms around me and prayed for me, DH, DD, and the baby I never got to hold. One of them shared her mc story with me, and we both cried and hugged. It was really powerful and wonderful, and somehow they all said the right things.
Our pastor caught up with us after we left. DH had texted him about what happened on Tuesday and we never heard back— apparently he didn’t see the message. He was very sweet and asked if I’d be ok with other church members knowing so that they could pray for us too (I am). He’s also planning to come up to the hospital Thursday to be with DH while I’m in surgery.
I often feel pretty out of place at my church, and I have some serious issues with some of the beliefs that they have. DH and I spent years finding a place we felt comfortable, and we’ve been here for about 5 years now. Regardless, today I felt so grateful to be part of that community.
All of it really does come in waves, and it’s a lot. I’m anxious to get through the surgery and move on, but I’m ok that I’ve got a few more days at home to grieve privately before my mom gets here and all of that. My betas were dropping, and my pregnancy symptoms are pretty much gone, thank goodness. It’s such a mindfuck to have symptoms and feel crappy, and know it’s not a viable pregnancy.
Whew, that was long. I’m so glad to have a place to vent. I definitely never wanted to be part of this club, but I’m so glad it’s here.
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beenthere
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Post by beenthere on Jul 23, 2018 9:07:16 GMT -6
I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you strength for tomorrow. 💙❤️
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sammysam
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Post by sammysam on Jul 23, 2018 21:04:31 GMT -6
nikkipal how are you doing today? I managed to get my d&c done on Friday. I went to emergency and they got me into the OR that day. This is my second one this year. The procedure is short. You'll have some bleeding for a few days after, and some cramping for a day or two. I was surprised how hard it hit me emotionally the day after. So be prepared for that. I think it's the finality of it all. Last time I was 13 weeks and they did the procedure after I hemorrhaged and almost bled out so I think the fear of dying superceded my grief. And I had been grieving since 10 weeks when we found out about it so I had more time to process...but this time I was just under 10 weeks and I made the decision to have the surgery myself. It all happened so fast and because this all just happened to me in September I wasn't prepared to have it happen again. Letting go of the family you pictured and wanted is hard. Also, I went in with an obvious baby bump both times and came out with a flat stomach after. That hit me harder this time too. Also my hcg is still quite high so I'm still super nauseous and still have all my pregnancy symptoms...though they are finally starting to diminish. The grief hasn't really gone away for me. I was pregnant all last summer so when the warm weather hit I felt the sadness from last year...missing the baby we didn't have. I imagine next year will be the same as I found out I was pregnant right at the beginning of June. As far as the sac and no baby, once fertilization and implantation take place the embryo splits into 2 layers. The inside layer (baby) and the outside layer (sac and placenta). With a blighted ovum the outside layer continues to grow so your hormone levels increase and you have all the symptoms. Just the inside layer doesn't. My hcg levels this time around were still exactly where they should have been for how far along I was as well as continuing to increase. The same was true in September. It sucks. I bought a stupidly expensive doll that I know DD will love as a momento. Having something tangible that I can see DD hugging and playing with help me. I did the same last time. Last time it took months before I stopped randomly tearing up. I'm feeling it more this time and I know it will be the same. I'm heart broken. I know exactly what you're going through and I'm so sorry you are having to go through this too.
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nikkipal
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Post by nikkipal on Jul 24, 2018 2:42:06 GMT -6
Hey sammysam, thanks for checking in. I’m doing ok, have started to have some cramping and spotting, so that has kind of messed with me some. I think just bc I want to make it to Thursday and have my procedure as planned. I’ve had amazing support— I really don’t regret having shared the news of my pregnancy early, bc people have been so kind. I’m amazed at all of the women who have told me they’ve been there— I guess I shouldn’t be, since it’s so common. DD has been processing everything so well, and I’m so proud of her. I let her pick out a doll, she ended up picking this mermaid doll. She took her to daycare for show and share, and I think she’s been using it for her lovey at nap time (doesn’t want to bring her home). I think DH is sad, but more so worried about me. Both how emotional I’ve been and the fact that I have to have surgery. I’ve had a catastrophic health event, and he worries so much that he’ll lose me. My event was over ten years ago, and I still struggle with the trauma of it. I’m definitely mourning the family I hope for. I’m hoping to ttc again after AF returns, but it took me awhile to conceive, and I’m not sure how it will go AL. I should probably just focus on the present, but it’s not really in my nature. I tend to go after what I want pretty relentlessly. I’m at peace with a family of three if that’s what ends up happening, but I know I’d regret it if I didn’t try. I’m glad your surgery went well. I wasn’t in J/F 19 very long, but I was so touched by your kindness. Let me know if I can do anything to be there for you.
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Post by oldbaylover1024 on Jul 24, 2018 6:59:39 GMT -6
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sammysam
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Post by sammysam on Jul 24, 2018 7:01:25 GMT -6
nikkipal I'm so glad your DD is processing this well. I hadn't really told DD yet but out of nowhere yesterday she said for the first time that she wanted a baby brother or sister...after so adamantly not wanting one for so long. So that is messing with me a bit now. The cramping and spotting might be a good thing heading into Thursday. They will still do the procedure but knowing your body started to recognize what is going on on its own might make you feel a little more at peace with the procedure. At least I hope it does. I'm so sorry you had to deal with a traumatic event in the past. It makes events like this so much more scary and stressful for everyone. And I'm so glad you have such wonderful support around you. I'm one of those people who break into tears whenever someone asks how I'm doing so I tend to try to deal on my own. Which isn't always so helpful. Thinking of you and your family. And please keep updating and venting. Also, come over to TTC once you're ready. There are so many loss moms over there and they are amazing support once you start thinking about TTC again. They have gotten me through so so much over the past couple of years.
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addymac
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Post by addymac on Jul 24, 2018 10:21:15 GMT -6
sammysam im so sorry for your losses. nikkipal. Hope you can find time to just be until your procedure. I hope the pregnancy symptoms subside soon. Sending you both lots of hugs and strength.
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nikkipal
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Post by nikkipal on Jul 25, 2018 11:12:20 GMT -6
The past couple of days, I had been feeling kind of guilty that I had been feeling fairly normal and hadn’t cried for a day or so. Intellectually I knew I shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling normal, but there it was.
I realized that I had a therapy session scheduled for tomorrow, which I needed to reschedule since my surgery is tomorrow. She actually had an opening for today, so I went in and cried for basically the whole hour. It felt good to get it out, and I’m glad to be in therapy.
I’m slightly anxious about surgery tomorrow, but mostly I want it to be over. I’m so glad my mom will be here tonight. I know my husband is completely freaked out that I’m having surgery, and also that he’s experiencing the loss too. He hasn’t been sleeping well, which makes everything worse.
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caer
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Post by caer on Jul 25, 2018 12:09:11 GMT -6
You’ve continued to be in my thoughts nikkipal. I’m glad you were able to see your therapist today. I hope tomorrow is as easy as possible. Sending love and hugs.
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sammysam
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Post by sammysam on Jul 25, 2018 17:49:02 GMT -6
nikkipal I am sure everything will go smoothly tomorrow. I am always the most anxious right before they start so I know telling you not to stress is pointless. Let yourself feel whatever you are feeling. I shared my thoughts, worries and anxieties with the surgeon and anesthesiologist before my surgery. They calmed me down and made me feel so much better. Don't be afraid to let them know what you are feeling. Thinking of you.
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Yogurt
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Post by Yogurt on Jul 25, 2018 20:00:21 GMT -6
I've also been thinking of you. Sending you a big virtual hug.
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