Birth/labor feelings

[flippinchica]

Now that we have all had our babies I think it is a time we need to be able to get out feelings about our birth experiences. I'm so relieved everyone is safe but birth is scary and emotional.

[bassa]

That's funny, I was thinking recently that we should do a thread like this. Like, it is not an inconsequential experience. Definitely worth processing it all a bit! I'll be posting later when I have more time to write something out.

[flippinchica]

My 2 labor experiences were just so opposite. The first was long and drawn out but mostly calm. The second was fast and furious topped with the last 10 minutes of pure panic when he was stuck. I'm so grateful the scariness turned out ok but I do have a small part that wished I had that moment of holding up the baby and putting him in my chest. Both times they had to go straight to the peds team. The first because of meconium and the second because of the shoulder dystocia. I know it is silly to care and the practical part of me knows how lucky I am.

[yellow711]

I am grateful James is healthy but his birth was emotionally, physically and mentally scary and exhausting.

I went to a regular OB appointment and found out my blood pressure was extremely high and that sent me to the hospital. While in triage, they monitored my blood pressure and tested blood/urine. After that monitoring/testing, it was determined I had preeclampsia and I would be having the baby!

I spent 1.5 days being induced, the medical team breaking my water, being on the highest dose of pitocin, and trying to labor on my own. After all that failed, I needed an unplanned C-Section.

Trying to heal from the C-Section was hard and I was still having high blood pressure issues days after his birth.

Preeclampsia is scary and I am glad I didn't have any major complications.

[yellow711]

Mar 2, 2018 15:45:45 GMT -6 flippinchica said:

Now that we have all had our babies I think it is a time we need to be able to get out feelings about our birth experiences. I'm so relieved everyone is safe but birth is scary and emotional.

Thanks for posting this.  

It is good to process our feelings and get them out.  

[sunfrogger]

This is good. Thank you. I'll be back. But I need this. I was just thinking how I was going to need to take extra care

[sunfrogger]

Honestly? I was scared I was going to die.

All of the things before the OR pale to my fear of being separated from my family. The whole time being wheeled to the OR for the D&E I kept thinking about my DD1 and how I needed to make it home for her.

The consent for surgery form I had to sign basically said, do this or you could die.

I've never ever ever been so terrified in my life. And I told MH he had to go take care of O so I faced it alone. I told him yday what the consent form said bc he had no idea. I was so so so so so so scared.

Seriously, I might need to go through talk therapy or something. It's really really scary and I'm now terrified of every little thing.. Low bp. This spinal headache I have. I'm so afraid it can turn into something big and I'm going to die and lose everything. I've never even thought about how truly terrifying death is because I've never faced it. And yeah.

I'm going to go finish crying in a corner while I process a bit more. This is hard.

Thanks flippinchica for starting this thread. I know I really personally need it and I know many other ladies here had such cray births they could benefit as well.

[marygracerich]

@sungrogger keep in mind that yes, it was scary and yes it was dangerous but you are probably feeling more extreme feelings because of the ginormous hormone dump you are experiencing. It will probably be at least a few more days of feeling shitty. It will still be scary and you still may want to talk to someone but it shouldn’t be as extreme when the hormone dump is over.

[sarahh]

Hugs sunfrogger.

I’m pretty unhappy and bitter about my experience. I had a c-section scheduled but went into labor the day before. The on call doctor sent me home when I went in because my contractions ranged from 2-4 minutes apart and he wanted them to be 3 minutes consistently. I went home and was super uncomfortable so went back to the hospital after a few hours. My water broke as I walked in. They had a bunch of emergency csections that morning so they scheduled me for 3 hours from when my water broke. Little did they know that I would progress from 1cm to 10cms in less than an hour. They rushed me to the OR and we had to wait for them to clean it before we could go in. I was in so much pain and she was coming fast and I didn’t really understand how far along I was. They had to push my baby back up in order to make the incision for my csection. I’m angry for two reasons. 1) I don’t think they should have sent me home after when I came in the first time since i had a scheduled RCS the next day and 2) I wish they had told me how far along I was because I probably would have gone the vbac route. After all of this the on call doctor didn’t come to check on me. My regular doctor came the following day.

[jessijean]

sunfrogger I'd encourage you to go talk to someone about it if you feel it would help you. Definitely sounds terrifying and I can't imagine having those thoughts immediately after/during what should be one of the happiest times in your life.

[sunfrogger]

Ty marygracerich ❤️

[sunfrogger]

Mar 2, 2018 21:08:26 GMT -6 jessijean said:

sunfrogger I'd encourage you to go talk to someone about it if you feel it would help you. Definitely sounds terrifying and I can't imagine having those thoughts immediately after/during what should be one of the happiest times in your life.

Agree. Not that it's holding me back from bring super happy at all..I just randomly get very teary over it all.

[helloerrbody]

sarahh, I’m sorry that happened that way. I’d be upset about the same things you are. (((HUGS)))

[sunfrogger]

sarahh that's definitely not fair. You were a scheduled C. You going into labor should take have changed that!

[flippinchica]

sunfrogger I'm sorry. That is scary and I hate that it really is a valid fear. I hope the abject terror fades with time. Talking to someone is a good idea.
sarahh I would be unhappy too. I was pissed for you when it happened. I might consider complaining to the hospital or office manager.

[ajetter]

sarahh I was very pissed for you when it happened. To basically force you to go through the entirety of labor and then still slam you with a Slav section is so dumb. They should have evaluated and thought it through more, but really just done the csection when you came in laboring.

[Deleted]

There are local midwives/doula/lactation consultant groups who host support groups for traumatic birth experiences, I really encourage anyone who is struggling to seek one of those out. They helped me immensely with DD1 <3

I am still struggling with my birth experience. I am angry with myself for being induced and not waiting it out. I did it because it was the convenient option, but the experience was terrible and nearly identical to DD1's birth.

***TW***
While delivering both DD1 and DD3 there was a period of time when they lost the heartbeat. DD1's was easily found with a scalp lead but she had other issues - undiscovered vasa previa as well as a terrible cord insertion that lead the OB to tell me she was shocked DD1 did not die. I was on mag for DD1 and so doped out that I didn't know half of this was happening at the time.

With DD3 they lost her heartbeat. When they couldn't find it on the first scalp lead, then tried another scalp lead and couldn't find it again, I was certain she was gone. They started prepping for an emergency C but I knew in my heart that with no heartbeat for 5 minutes it would already be too late. DD3 was delivered minutes later with the cord around her neck and a true knot in the cord and I can't help but think that maybe I've had the ultimate miracle twice now.
***end TW***

My biggest struggle is an entirely selfish one. I want another child, but I feel as though I have cheated fate twice. Emotionally I cannot go through a traumatic delivery again. I was not prepared this time - I thought it would be a simple, easy delivery like DD2 because birth is supposed to get easier every time, right?! If I have another I will absolutely not be induced, but then I get nervous that by going far post term I am introducing other risk factors.

That is probably all flameworthy that having another child is my biggest desire and also biggest fear. I know I should be thankful for the safe and healthy children I have.

[jessijean]

Wow peachesncream I can't imagine going through something like that... twice.

[flippinchica]

peachesncream a true knot is scary. But I don't think wanting another child is flammable at all.
I was worried I was being selfish about trying to avoid an induction. It is pretty commmon for OBs to want to induce Moms over 35 and not let them go past their due dates. I did not want to be induced only because of my age and looked for providers that did not believe that. I worried I was being selfish and taking unnecessary risks by avoiding an induction.

[Deleted]

flippinchica I don't think either way is flammable. I am frustrated that my doctors office didn't discuss the options more thoroughly with me. At my 40 week appointment he basically said "I am obligated to tell you that if you go past 41 weeks your risk of stillbirth increases and I have to ask you if you would like an induction." 🙄 my mom was in town and was planning on leaving shortly after the 41w mark so part of me chose induction for childcare convenience. I am sure it is a pleasant experience for some but I definitely prefer being patient and waiting for my body to do its own thing. It is such a hard decision to make.

[tiffrobot]

sunfrogger definitely don’t hesitate to discuss your feelings with a medical professional. ❤️

sarahh I’m sorry things worked out that way. I hope you someday are able to find peace with your delivery.

@peachesandcream I don’t think those are flammable thoughts. The fear we feel with our children is very real and unlike any other feeling of fear I remember having before, no matter how serious the circumstance. Someday I hope you can feel settled with a decision that you know is right for you!

[ajetter]

My birth was not traumatic. It was painful and not at all like I had envisioned, but was is really getting me is a lot of it is simply my own fault and I can’t stop dwelling on it. I didn’t advocate for myself nor did I have any experience with natural birth, so even though I was coping fairly well, as soon as I started feeling nauseous I threw in the towel and asked for the epidural. That didn’t work. I should have tried different positions. I should have asked DH for more help. I should have told everyone to just stop freaking talking to me.

I didn’t and it’s fine. She’s here. But I have this nagging I want a do-over feeling. However I’ll never get a do over. And I’m bitter about the stupid cost of the epidural that didn’t work. Oy. I need to just get over all of it. But that’s where I’m at.

[amesie]

Mar 4, 2018 18:21:50 GMT -6 ajetter said:

My birth was not traumatic. It was painful and not at all like I had envisioned, but was is really getting me is a lot of it is simply my own fault and I can’t stop dwelling on it. I didn’t advocate for myself nor did I have any experience with natural birth, so even though I was coping fairly well, as soon as I started feeling nauseous I threw in the towel and asked for the epidural. That didn’t work. I should have tried different positions. I should have asked DH for more help. I should have told everyone to just stop freaking talking to me.

I didn’t and it’s fine. She’s here. But I have this nagging I want a do-over feeling. However I’ll never get a do over. And I’m bitter about the stupid cost of the epidural that didn’t work. Oy. I need to just get over all of it. But that’s where I’m at.

I can totally sympathize with this. This was how it was with my DD1. I had no other prior experience obviously with the epidural, so I didn’t know what to expect and how much I should/shouldn’t feel. All I knew at the time was how much it hurt. But the nurses kept telling me that it was the pressure I was feeling and that the epidural wouldn’t take that pain away. I wish so bad I spoke up for myself more and told her “NO MFer I feel your fingers prying my vag open to fit her head, I feel every single contraction, I feel EVERYTHINGGG!!!” After having a successful epidural with this past birth, I’m fairly confident in saying that I did that birth completely med free.

Having such a great labor this time around has been giving me more feels about my first birth. And it all stems around this. I wish I spoke up for myself more. I feel silly complaining about it, because we both made it out healthy without any complications. I just wish it went smoother like with DD2, and I feel like it could have had I advocated for myself a bit better.

[sarahh]

@jetter and amesie I think that may be one of my biggest issues with my birth - not advocating for myself. I guess we can all look back and think of things we should have done or said but we were so caught up in the moment or the pain that we weren’t thinking clearly.

And I get what your saying ajetter about getting a do over. This entire pregnancy I thought that was it but we decide shortly after birth that we are going to try for another. I don’t feel done and also want to end with a positive birth experience if that makes sense.

[benandjerrys]

Mar 4, 2018 19:53:15 GMT -6 amesie said:

Mar 4, 2018 18:21:50 GMT -6 ajetter said:

My birth was not traumatic. It was painful and not at all like I had envisioned, but was is really getting me is a lot of it is simply my own fault and I can’t stop dwelling on it. I didn’t advocate for myself nor did I have any experience with natural birth, so even though I was coping fairly well, as soon as I started feeling nauseous I threw in the towel and asked for the epidural. That didn’t work. I should have tried different positions. I should have asked DH for more help. I should have told everyone to just stop freaking talking to me.

I didn’t and it’s fine. She’s here. But I have this nagging I want a do-over feeling. However I’ll never get a do over. And I’m bitter about the stupid cost of the epidural that didn’t work. Oy. I need to just get over all of it. But that’s where I’m at.

I can totally sympathize with this. This was how it was with my DD1. I had no other prior experience obviously with the epidural, so I didn’t know what to expect and how much I should/shouldn’t feel. All I knew at the time was how much it hurt. But the nurses kept telling me that it was the pressure I was feeling and that the epidural wouldn’t take that pain away. I wish so bad I spoke up for myself more and told her “NO MFer I feel your fingers prying my vag open to fit her head, I feel every single contraction, I feel EVERYTHINGGG!!!” After having a successful epidural with this past birth, I’m fairly confident in saying that I did that birth completely med free.

Having such a great labor this time around has been giving me more feels about my first birth. And it all stems around this. I wish I spoke up for myself more. I feel silly complaining about it, because we both made it out healthy without any complications. I just wish it went smoother like with DD2, and I feel like it could have had I advocated for myself a bit better.

amesie I could have written this! I remember my midwife telling me that it was pressure I was feeling, not pain and I wish I had been like, "no it's not working!! Fix it!". My second birth was med free and it made me confident my first birth was also med free- this one actually hurt less than my first with the "epidural".

[Queen Mamadala]

The experience of trying to induce labor was annoying and exhausting, but active labor itself was very easy and fast. There was just a lot of time spent waiting, trying to get labor started on my own, walking, hanging out, being impatient and bored, and waiting. Most of that had a lot to do with my preference to hold off on pitocin because I didn't want CEFM, which is hospital protocol when inducing with pitocin. I wanted space to move around without the uncomfortable monitors, but I knew pitocin would work fine, I just wanted to give my body time to see if things would start without it. But my OB and midwife were great about giving me options. I opted for AROM at 4 cm, but I'd have chosen otherwise given his ROP position. His OP position is what delayed the start of labor that even ROM didn't do much to move things. It's common practice to administer pitocin within a couple hours of AROM if contractions don't pick up, but I waited 10. I did tons of walking and birthing ball exercises to help him descend and I did get to 5.5-6 cm w/o contractions, which is typical for me, but it just seemed so long when you're stuck in the hospital rather than going about your business at home. I was super frustrated that he was OP. I knew that if he were LOA/OA he'd have arrived much sooner.

As much as I initially wanted to avoid pitocin, had I opted for it sooner, it would have meant a lot less waiting and frustration. And I'd have kept my membranes intact as well, because I was GBS+ with prolonged ROM, I ended up getting 11 units of abx to prevent infection due to the ROM. The penicillin was the worst part. HATED it. It burned my arm a good 15-45 minutes on 8 out of 11 units. It sucked.

I did get to 7 cm on a small dose of pitocin, but contractions were mild and they didn't get me into active labor, and they stopped completely when it was turned off. A couple hours later I started getting contractions 10-12 minutes apart, but they never amounted to anything. Pitocin was started late morning the following day and once it was at 7mu and then 9, contractions were consistent and regular, and he was born pretty abruptly, still OP, two hours later, just as I made it to the side of the bed. "Labor" itself was quick and easy, but it just took so long to get to that point, and I have no doubt it was due to his position. Perhaps had we waited a few days or more, a week, he would have rotated on his own. Fortunately, I didn't hemorrhage like I did with dd3. I had a severe hemorrhage and experienced early stages of shock with her. While things were handled quickly and calmly, I experienced a lot of anxiety related to it during my pregnancy with ds3.

But holy shit, OP birth is super intense. He was persistently OP, so he never rotated, as some OP babies do before or during the second stage. My midwife joked that my body was made for birthing and he'd be born easily even if he remained OP. That's nice and all, but it was still pretty intense, and the birth part is what I loathe because there's rarely buildup and comes on so suddenly.