Feeling Bonded with baby

[pinkcat]

Since so many of you are STM or TTM, I would love your advice on how to feel bonded with baby!

I am really worried that I don't feel bonded enough with him yet, and that when I deliver I will feel detached from the situation. I am a little over 36 weeks right now and love feeling him move around, kick, etc. But it feels more like a "Wow, it's so cool that it's happening, bodies are amazing" type of thought instead of "OMG I love this baby so so much already" type of thought. Does that make sense? I feel very protective but it feels more conceptual right now instead of feeling connected with the baby. 

I know that people don't always have the big "a-ha" feeling after delivery where you feel bonded right away with the baby, but how long does it normally take? Is it normal to still feel this way while pregnant, especially if it's your first? I would love to find a way to feel more attached and connected before birth! 

[benandjerrys]

I don't really feel bonded yet. Not really. I was pretty instantly bonded with my first at birth but definitely not before. It all seems pretty mythical before birth to me.

Lots of people don't feel bonded for 3 mos or so when babe gets a bit of a personality but I will let others speak to that.

Definitely no reason to worry for right now though, totally normal.

[amesie]

Looking back, I think it took a while to truly feel that bond with DD1. I think I *thought* that i was bonded and super attached to her. But that level of bonding took some time. It all just felt so surreal in the beginning. I will say that I vividly remember BFing her for the first time and feeling a connection then.

With that being said , I’m much more relaxed this time around, and now that I have experienced that love for one of my own children, I think I feel more love and attachment to this baby sooner than I did with my first. I don’t even know if this makes any sense.

I guess what I’ll end with is don’t stress about feeling it right away. It is so stressful and surreal the first time around, and there’s so much you are learning and the baby is learning that it’s easy to not feel it for a while. You definitely won’t be the first person to not feel a connection or bond immediately after meeting him.

[flippinchica]

I'm not sure there is much you can do to make yourself feel more bonded. I haven't felt really bonded to baby while pregnant either time and I can't pinpoint when I felt it. It was more of a gradual transition.

[tiffrobot]

My experience is more like amesie s, it was just so surreal and I was more scared than I realized the first time around (he was also born at 33w and had a 2 week NICU stay), so with the girls when they were immediately placed on my chest and I just got to keep them with me from minute one, and already kind of knew what I was in for, it was a very different, relaxing feeling.

I think the biggest thing to remember is they are humans too. I remember telling my dr with my oldest at one point “I have to remember he’s not a robot and things don’t happen by the book”.

I think I felt most “connected” during this pregnancy, partly because I was constantly keeping my kids in the loop and having them enjoy it with me, partly because I was slightly less concerned about having a preemie again after going full term with DD1, and just experience with being pregnant in general, and having a better idea how my life was going to change again, there was just slightly less mystery than the first two times.

[mrsp84]

I know I’ve shared this before here, but I did not feel any type of bond with DD1 after she was born. In fact, I was going through some difficult times. Between a 36 hour+ labor and not being able to BF, I was so exhausted and just wanted to sleep. I put so much pressure on myself to make sure I BF during those initial moments and it really got to me when she didn’t latch as easily as I thought it was supposed to be.

I would say that once I made the decision (and was completely ok with it) to formula feed around 6-ish weeks PP, I had a huge sigh of relief. Sleep deprivation and all the stress I was feeling as a FTM, I was just kind of existing and floating through each day. I don’t think it was PPD, just learning to get used to my new norm.

As for this pregnancy, I don’t feel super connected with her yet, either. It was the same with DD1. During pregnancy, I thought the hiccups and kicks and all that were so cool; and I still do. It’s amazing, actually. But, I need to see her. I am hoping this time around is different. I’m more knowledgeable, laid back and to see how DD1 is so excited to be a big sister definitely helps. And, if BFing gets hard again, I’ll be ok and so will she. My sanity is more important than struggling through something.

Sorry, it’s probably more than you asked for. The bonding thing was definitely not something I was told about before. I thought I was broken. The more I talked about it, the more I found out it was more normal than not.

[pinkcat]

Thanks so much guys! mrsp84 tiffrobot flippinchica benandjerrys amesie

Reading through all of your responses is definitely making me feel better and like I'm normal feeling this way. Now I am getting more excited...and simultaneously more nervous as well!

[jessijean]

DS2 is about 4 weeks old and I'm still not really there. When I was pregnant I was bitter that my relationship with DS1 was going to have to change. We still napped together most afternoons plus I was in so much pain physically I just couldn't feel bonded. Now that has all changed and my time is split. It's not like I don't love my newest son, it's just a transition. Plus I have yet to be alone to care for him. My mom had been here 1.5 weeks and I've been somewhat hands off which I know isn't helping the bonding.
Honestly I didn't feel bonded with DS1 for months after delivery. Now we are super close.

[mrsp84]

jessijean, this is where I think I’ll struggle, too. I really do not know how it’s possible to love another baby as much as I love DD1. I know that it really is possible, but like, I don’t understand how. I’m soaking up as much time as I can with DD1 because I know my focus will be on the new baby for a while and I don’t want her to feel neglected. It’s going to be hard for me to adjust.

[easternshoregirl]

For me, the anxiety of those first few days clouded my ability to bond.
As the weeks went on and that cloud lifted, it happened, little by little.
I did feel a connection to him from the beginning though, knowing it was my body that had nourished and cared for him while I was pregnant. That is something our partners are not lucky enough to have.

[girlonabike]

It took about 4 months until I felt like I had a connection with kiddo. Pregnancy was neat, but it was still a foreign concept that this was a "person" in there. He was just a kicking, hiccuping nebulous blob. When he was born, he was a screaming, crying, sleeping bundle of frustrations. I loved him, of course, but mostly because I had to. It wasn't until he started being able to interact and react to me that I started feeling a bond. That first smile. The reaching out. The baby laughs. Then the "mama!".

Now he's a 2.5 year old little BOY and I can't even imagine that he was the same nebulous blob that was in my womb. And I love him to death.

It's completely normal not to feel bonded at this point! You don't really know each other yet. It will come.

[helloerrbody]

I felt really attached to DS1 throughout pregnancy and bonded right away with him. (Not helpful, I know, but wanted to share my experience honestly.) I did have that overwhelming feeling of love right when he was born. That said, it is also totally normal to not feel this way and to not bond immediately. I've had many friends that took awhile to "bond."

This time is totally different. I am so focused on DS1 and he is my whole world, that I sometimes feel "guilty" in regards to DS2 - like oops sorry, I know you're in there. I'm not bonded with him at all this pregnancy. I'm hoping to feel it when they place him on my chest but even if I don't, I know it will come. <3

[cake]

I’m a ftm as well and felt similar to you throughout the pregnancy. I found it almost surreal that I had a baby inside of me. I did not at all enjoy being pregnant and would sometimes think ‘what if I don’t like being a mom?’ But then I’d be lying in bed at night and feel the baby move and think it was really cool.

Now he’s been here 4 days, currently asleep in my chest and I look down and realize that this is kinda great. I wouldn’t say that when he was put on my chest for the first time, all covered in fluids and vernix, I had an instant love and bond. I didn’t cry tears of joy, but I did like it. At his first appointment yesterday, he had dropped a significant amount of his birth weight. It’s been a scary 24 hours as I’ve had to start suplimenting with formula. I never realized I could be this scared for another human being. I would say this is what bonding feels like.

Don’t be surprised if it takes weeks or months for a bond to develop. But also, did not be surprised if it happens immediately or within the first couple of days. Everyone is different and there is no right or wrong answer. You’re going to do great!

[snowyowl]

I don’t think everybody gets the bond during pregnancy. I do know people who completely fall in love with their inside babies, I’m not one of them. I thought maybe the second time around would be different because it would feel more “real” than it did with DS after going through it once, but it’s just not my experience.
I worry about him and hope everything will go well and am excited to see him... but I don’t really know how to bond with someone I haven’t met 😛 He’s still an amorphous blob, as someone said above.

After I had DS I don’t remember there being any lightbulb moment. I remember being really focused on getting some sleep, feeding him, dealing with his jaundice, etc. It honestly never crossed my mind to wonder “do I love him right now? Do I feel bonded to him right now?” I know it must have happened at some point, but it definitely wasn’t something that hit me all of a sudden.

[dragonflyinn]

I haven’t read all the responses yet but I definitely didn’t feel super bonded with DD right away. It wasn’t for a few weeks, after we were home & got into our little routine. Of course I loved her right away but didn’t “feel” this instant connection to her. I was also stressed and nervous about being a FTM. I will say when they put DS on my chest this time I felt immediately connected to him. I loved him instantly in a mushy “feelings” kind of way, that I didn’t have instantly with DD. I think bc I knew what I was getting this time— I have a little BFF in my DD and knowing I was about to have another CHILD, a sweet person who would grow into the best personality, be so fun, etc etc. It just felt different & more relaxed.

So all that is to say— pinkcat don’t be worried if it isn’t this immediate OMG WE ARE SO CONNECTED thing. Especially your first time. It is all brand new for you & sometimes the “new-ness” of it all makes it hard. the mushy feelings will come. then you will be like me and bawling your eyes out at the thought of your 2.5yo going on a weekend away with daddy haha.

[jessijean]

In all honestly I didn't enjoy being a mom until DS1 was a bit more mobile. I feel bad because that's what I teach at the university (child development, parenting) but I just didn't feel like a good mom. I feel like a lot of that was I felt like my "me" time was non-existent. I eventually came around.

[sarahh]

Jan 23, 2018 15:55:32 GMT -6 jessijean said:

In all honestly I didn't enjoy being a mom until DS1 was a bit more mobile. I feel bad because that's what I teach at the university (child development, parenting) but I just didn't feel like a good mom. I feel like a lot of that was I felt like my "me" time was non-existent. I eventually came around.

I’m right there with you. I feel like a babysitter until I can get through the newborn phase. That’s how I felt with DD1 for the first few months and how I’m feeling so far with DD2. I’m so tired and feel like I’m just going through the motions.

[ajetter]

I was super bonded with my pregnancy with DD1, and then she came out and I felt... nothing. I don’t know. I was so overwhelmed by all of it and ended up with PPA and PPD and it was a while before I felt bonded with her. I loved her, but it was strange.

With subsequent pregnancies I never really felt bonded with the pregnancy, but the second they put them on me I was filled with so much love for them. I think because I knew what everything entailed, where our relationship could go.

All that to say I wouldn’t stress about not bonding with the pregnancy. It will all work out in the end.

[sunfrogger]

I have to come back to this when I can sit down with my laptop and type a better response. But I'll be back!

[rebeccabunch]

Lots of good posts already but I did not feel bonded w DS1 during pregnancy. It could’ve been an alien in there for all I knew. I think my excessive bleeding throughout added to my detachment. Once he was born I didn’t have the moment but it came over time.

I felt a bit more bonded w DS2 during pregnancy but not completely. Probably felt the love a little sooner but that was more confidence than anything.

I feel the most bonded to this baby. Not sure if it’s jnowing the sex this time, knowing it’s my last or experience.

Bonding isn’t like moment. It’s over time. A body of work. My bonding with my children is something that continues to grow and deepen all the time. I’m more confident in my mothering abilities now than 6 months ago type of thing.

[watermelonseed]

mrsp84 I can relate so much to your post.

BF and the LC’s really took a major toll on how I bonded with DD1. I am going to go straight to FF this time and hope that improves how I initially bond with the new baby.

I think everyone deals with pregnancy and new motherhood in their own way, each time. And that is ok! Parenting is a daily roller coaster and in your own time and at the end of the day you will love your kid.

[pinkcat]

There is so much good advice in this thread! Thank you everyone for sharing....so glad there are so many BTDT moms on our BMB

[pinkcat]

Jan 23, 2018 19:24:36 GMT -6 rebeccabunch said:

Lots of good posts already but I did not feel bonded w DS1 during pregnancy. It could’ve been an alien in there for all I knew. I think my excessive bleeding throughout added to my detachment. Once he was born I didn’t have the moment but it came over time.

I felt a bit more bonded w DS2 during pregnancy but not completely. Probably felt the love a little sooner but that was more confidence than anything.

I feel the most bonded to this baby. Not sure if it’s jnowing the sex this time, knowing it’s my last or experience.

Bonding isn’t like moment. It’s over time. A body of work. My bonding with my children is something that continues to grow and deepen all the time. I’m more confident in my mothering abilities now than 6 months ago type of thing.

I love the idea that it's not a moment, it's a continuation that happens over time. I will keep that in mind whenever I feel worried! 

[sunfrogger]

Okay, I'm finally back.

as a FTM, I really looked forward to the first time I was going to have a baby. We had a name picked out at 22 weeks. We had the nursery done by 7 months. We were so infatuated with the IDEA of becoming parents for the first time, it was insurmountable the amount of love we felt for this baby. My husband snuggled with my belly every night and kissed her good night and good morning.

When she got here, I was expecting a lot more tears and instead, I was just, oh my god, there's a new person. I made this. It was actually really underwhelming. And it was stressful. but as time went on that bond grew and grew and grew, until now she's 2, and I yell, "my Emma!!" and she yells, "My mommy!!" and runs into my arms and gives me the biggest squeeze in the whole wide world. It is definitely not defined by one moment.


For me, this time around, I have actually really not felt bonded with this baby at all. When I think about her, it's in terms of how it affects her big sister. We've just BARELY landed on a name (and we're not even telling people - and just now started occasionally referring to her by her name instead of baby sister). Her bedroom is a mess. I have struggled a LOT with that this pregnancy. But - knowing that it's not one moment, but the growing of that bond and relationship over time - has put me a little more at ease with that.