I need you people

[bubbles]

It's ok to be in "holding pattern" right now. No decisions have to be made. The fact that you feel like you don't know what to do, leads me to think your not ready to make decisions and that's ok. You may wake up tomorrow, next week or even next month and be ready to make decisions. For now, I would have brief, on your terms conversations with him and let time will tell when your ready to make decisions. .

[McBenny]

Jun 1, 2017 15:52:06 GMT -6 itsme said:

You don't have to have a decision today. No deadline or time line is right.

[lizblue]

I've been here itsme. Partner of nine years was fucking her boss and I found out (she didn't tell me). It ended that night for me. I lost 40 lbs, I had two trips to the hospital, chain smoked, gave up eating, did some other bad things and drank my (low) weight in wine every single day.

All this is to say - I was a goddamned mess but these things got me through:
-there was a teeny tiny flicker of light/hope in my gut that knew I was badass enough to get through it. I protected that teeny tiny light and even on very gusty days, it never went out. Protect your light. It's in there.

-my best days were on the other side of that time. I found a partner who is better for me in all ways and the strength I found in myself then has carried me through a lot more. Your best days lay ahead of you too. Whether you stay or go, your partnership will be better one day (with H if he can do it or with someone entirely better or just with yourself .)

This will be a lot of huge ups and downs for you. When you are at the lowest don't forget that they will go up again.

I continue to think of you.

[dc2london]

I missed the OP but I think I got the jist. I'm so sorry. I imagine the restless feeling and flood of emotions you're experiencing is completely normal and I understand your desire to DO something but the uncertainty about what to do. I think you need some space from him--emotional and physical. He needs to GTFO the house. And be gentle with yourself. Get some gatorade or popsicles and make sure you are hydrated and at least have some electrolytes.
Big hugs. I"m so sorry.

[nevertoomanyshoes]

When an ex cheated on me I had "heard" about it but he just kept on denying it. Small town rumours. I was fairly sure he did, but the has this intense urge to know the truth like I couldn't make a decision to stay or leave until I knew all the nitty gritty. Then his close friend confirmed it. He had caught them. Ex admitted it but wouldn't give me what I needed info wise. So we existed for a few weeks in this "I'm not sure" stage. He threatened to propose to prove he wanted to make it work (I was 21 at the time).
Then, one day, he was in my kitchen trying to hug me and he just asked "where I was with us" and I just knew. I ended it. He tried to guilt me in to giving him another chance, that it was my fault it didn't work because I wasn't giving him another chance. That actually cemented to me that he had no clue and that was it.

I'm not saying that's what you should do, I'm saying you can take your time and process until you get that clarity. You don't owe him a deadline. You owe your own happiness to take all the time you need.

[Cher]

You don't need to decide anything today. Or tomorrow. Or next week. And even if you do decide something, it's not going to automatically fix everything. No matter what you decide, I think there's a long path ahead of you and some things will be forever changed.

When my dad had an affair, it was ongoing, it was with someone my mom knew and got along with and my mother was a SAHM with two kids (including a newborn), who completely depended on my dad. There were rumors my mother was ill because she got so scary skinny. It broke her. Her whole life was changed. But my mom is the strongest person I know because she rebounded. I think she lives her best life now and not being with my dad is such a blessing for her, she would agree. Not saying that's the right choice for you, just that whatever you choose, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. That said, even almost 30 years later, even with extensive therapy, every so often my mom will say something about her view of fidelity, or marriage or even women that my stepdad works with, that makes me a little head-tilty. I compare it to how I view a lot of things post-loss, she had the rug pulled out from underneath her, everything she assumed that was perfect, was not. Her views are forever changed. I get that.

So, I think it's possible to heal from this, I think it's possible to move forward and live a life better than you ever imagined, and I sincerely believe you will. But I think this will forever change you, no matter what you decide to do, and that's okay.

[lifesaverz]

Jun 1, 2017 13:11:59 GMT -6 McBenny said:

I don't know why I would need counseling if I didn't fuck up but I know this is the norm here so I am releasing it.

Because this shit fucking sucks & she might want support? I mean, getting counseling in no way has to mean that you "did something wrong". It may just be that you're going through something difficult & it helps to have a safe, judgement free space to process that, or because you're wanting personal growth or to get stronger.

[sunnysideup]

I want to give you all the hugs. As others have said, nothing needs to be decided right away. And even when you decide something it doesn't have to be permanent. You can change your mind as you work through your feelings.

I saw this mentioned by another poster but I'll also recommend checking out the surviving infidelity forum. In particular the healing library had some very helpful information about transparency, what you might be feeling, and some steps you might be thinking about. I found it tremendously helpful to read through when I was in the thick of wondering if everything I was feeling was "normal" and also feeling very confused about what to do.

You are a strong and wonderful person. You are going to make it through this all. Take it one day at a time, or even one minute at a time.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ouiserboudreaux]

Well, Cher just made me tear up so I'm going to pour some wine now.

[Cher]

Jun 1, 2017 17:04:03 GMT -6 ouiserboudreaux said:

Well, Cher just made me tear up so I'm going to pour some wine now.

Have one for me too! 😘😘

[critter015]

I don't go here and I didn't read the whole thread, but I've been dealing with a similar situation myself and found a great resource at www.marriagebuilders.com Tons of info on what to do and a community of people who have been there.

[gingy]

Others have given great advice re: when to make these decisions. There is no deadline on it. Hell, I went back and forth for close to a year before I decided that staying was what I really wanted.

If you can't eat right now (and I didn't for at least a week... lost a ton of weight), try sports drinks. They'll at least get some electrolytes in you. I lived on Sonic Powerade slushes for a while.

Whether you try for individual counseling or as a couple, either will help. We started going together after I initially decided I wanted to stay and we needed a third party. I still see the therapist I found for myself. I know you're having trouble getting in places, but just ask to be put on the cancellation list and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that you get in soon.

[nenarene]

I'm just seeing this and wanted to throw in my voice too. When my marriage was ending this place was invaluable for me. Every kind word or thoughtful piece of advice made me feel less alone and sometimes was the only thing that kept me from completely withdrawing into myself. Use us as much as you need.

The limbo is the worst. Individual counseling allowed me to finally open up and talk to someone about all of the things I was too ashamed to talk about with people I knew. I highly recommend it. I spent my limbo period concentrating on my kids and taking care of myself. a bite of food here and there is better than nothing and eventually I got my appetite back. I researched houses and I started planning for my financial freedom by opening a checking account. Little things to make me feel like I was doing something even though I wasn't ready to make that final decision.

[mishka29]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Hugs to you and sorry the shake sucked!

Been said a bit already but I think you need to be super clear with your dh about what you do know you want right now. Him out of the house, out of your face so you can have time to process without having to take care of him and his feelings. Time to absorb and no pressure on you to decide the future. Him to take care of the kids on these specific days and times so that you can go for walk or sit in a park or stuff your face with ice cream.

I'm the type of person that needs all the details so I can understand that desire. I don't know that it would be helpful but I would want to know how it started and make it clear that you need to full honestly so you can feel like it's all on the table and there are no more secrets. What's the point of lying now, can it really get any worse?

That other husband is a moron if he's going to believe his wife bc why would your dh admit to 2 years. He could have said 2 months.

That's my 2 cents anyway.

[itsme]

Well I ate some chicken things and fries and a piece of chocolate and now I feel terrible.

[lizblue]

Well you were probably feeling terrible anyway. At least you got some yummy food down.

[itsme]

I also talked and told him I can't think about if I'm staying or leaving that we just have to deal with this and get past it before I can think about the future. But it's definitely really hard when he's here.

[itsme]

It helped me to say that. Like it's going to be just fucked up for a while and that is not on me. It's hard but I can see that light.

[itsme]

Youu know what is super annoyingn??? My hands are so sweaty all the fucking time.

[itsme]

Oh another super annoying thing is he has two job opportunities we were already thinking about. One does not require a move and is what we were leaning towards. The other does require a move but puts us back way closer to supportive family. So now it seems more important to be near supportive family, but how can I try and make that decision right now?

[Bluebird]

Just stopping in here to remind you that you are never alone, even when it feels that way. You have support here, and we will continue to be here.

FWIW, individual counseling for me when my first marriage fell apart helped me process the anger I was feeling. I was furious with my ex for being such a fuck up, and I was furious with myself for being suckered (which is what it felt like to me). My counselor helped me get through the grief of losing the life I had planned for myself, and I really needed the help. I coped in some really unhealthy ways and was a hot mess for a while.

Whichever way things go with your marriage, you WILL get through it.

[brux]

I would suggest thinking through some big picture stuff on your own without his chirping in your ear.

Why do you want to stay married to him? What's stopping you from leaving?

What seems hardest to you about working through and staying married?

What seems hardest to you about leaving?

[jfresh]

Jun 1, 2017 18:48:14 GMT -6 itsme said:

Snip

I think time apart isn't final. Even just for a few days to give you some room to breathe and think and process. In my message to you I mentioned it took me six months to make my decision, during that time we lived apart and I stayed at the house one night a week so we could talk, spend time as a family, etc. 

[cosmic]

I just wanted to send you internet hugs <3 I am so very sorry all of this has happened.

[willow]

Jun 1, 2017 11:11:34 GMT -6 HilarityEnsued said:

Jun 1, 2017 10:44:27 GMT -6 brux said:

It's shitty. It's going to stay shitty for a long while.

I don't say that to make you feel bad, but to let you know it's normal. There is nothing anyone can say or do to unring this bell. So as much as you can, stop digging for how and why and whhhyyyyyy meeeeeee. Because there is nothing in those questions that will make you feel more settled and less uncomfortable.

But the future is out there for you, and I guarantee it's filled with happiness and joy.

I was going to basically type the same thing.

Often in these horrible situations, when you are in the thick of it, you (understandably) lose perspective that it will take a long time to dig out of this shit hole.  

When I've been in the midst of really really shitty times in life, the thing that gets me through each day is telling myself over and over (often out loud), "it can't always be like this, things have to get better".  It's like a lifeline and a saving grace for me.

I also think it helps to take the pressure off the day-to-day and set up a larger timeline for trying to turn things around.  Like "this time next month I'm going to have done xyz".  So when you wake up each day and realize that... jfc this is still my life and the reality sets in daily, it's a small thing to hold on to to keep yourself pushing forward.

The bolded part is so essential, I think, to getting through any personal crisis or tragedy. After my H died, my therapist gave me more or less a breathing exercise where on the inhale, I say to myself (usually in my head but out loud is fine too) "it is what it is" and on the out breath "I will be ok". Doing that over and over, plus reminding myself that this too, shall pass, helped me get through some extremely dark times.

It doesn't mean it will all be ok now or very soon. But the pain isn't forever, and sometimes that continual reminder can at least pull you through to the next day.

Many hugs to you, my friend. Whichever way you choose to go, I hold you in my heart now as you hurt and go through the painful part of it all.

[Deleted]

I just want you to know I'm thinking about you and offering my support

[aeroplaneoverthesea]

I'm sorry you're struggling. Keep getting up every morning and surviving. Your husband has delt you such a shit hand, he's going to have to get comfortable with all of the uncertainty and work that's to come. Take time for yourself. You deserve it.

[allisong]

itsme - do you know if your insurance has a health advocate attached to it? Some policies do and if you call them and tell them what's going on and that you need someone to talk to they'll call on your behalf and 90% of the time will get you an appointment with someone right away.

[itsme]

I don't know. I'll try tomorrow

[bugglesbee]

I'm new and I don't know your whole story but I want to offer ((hugs)).