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Post by lucilleaustero on Dec 8, 2017 9:07:58 GMT -6
Hello. I usually post on General Discussion, but did not want to post there.
My cousin, who is one of my best friends, was scheduled for a c section yesterday morning. Her baby died. Brooklyn Grace. They live across the country and we do not have details yet. I was texting with her Wednesday night and every thing was fine and she was so excited. They tried for this baby for 4 years. 4 fucking years. We are all devastated for her.
What can I do? How can I help her? What do I say? I love her so much and I am heartbroken for her.
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hawkward
Global Moderator
Loss, Infertility
Posts: 19,637 Likes: 123,085
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Post by hawkward on Dec 8, 2017 9:27:41 GMT -6
I'm so sorry for your family's loss, lucilleaustero. Use Brooklyn's name when you talk to her. Text her throughout the day. Texts are great because they're low energy. She can know she's being thought of without having to respond if she doesn't feel up to it. "I love you and I'm thinking of you," is enough. Tell her when she's ready to talk, you're ready to listen. Never ever ever use the phrase "at least." IME and from talking to others, it feels like people are almost afraid of you after loss. Having someone just reach out is invaluable. Keep doing it, too. People forget about children they can't see. She's going to need someone to remember, and you can be that person for her. If you can, offer to help with funeral arrangements or any phone calls that need to be made. Make your offers as specific as possible, like "email me X's phone number and a list of what you need from them, and I'll call them at 2 PM." Can you send her meals somehow? Either with a takeout GC for food they can pick up or (best option) have delivered? ADLs can feel like such a huge hurdle, so anything that can help her handle all the little daily tasks of living is good.
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Post by oldbaylover1024 on Dec 8, 2017 11:03:39 GMT -6
I'm so sorry for your family's loss, lucilleaustero. My heart goes out to all of you. hawkward is wise. Use Brooklyn's name and text v. call, at least for now. She may come to a place when she's ready for calls, but for now text is best. Ordering food for her would be a great help. I'm so so sorry.
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aprilz81
Platinum
Posts: 1,760 Likes: 4,025
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Post by aprilz81 on Dec 8, 2017 11:36:11 GMT -6
Mark down her birthday in your phone/calendar wherever you will see it and make sure you acknowledge it every year, especially the first year. You won't be "reminding" her because she will be very aware of the date and the fact that her daughter is missing.
If you are comfortable, let her know you would love to see a picture of Brooklyn if she wants to share. One of the hardest parts for me was not feeling comfortable sharing pictures of Ava because she wasn't a "pretty" newborn due to her stillbirth and a difficult delivery. Only a handful of people have seen pictures of her so if someone specifically asked me to see a picture it would have meant a lot to me.
This last one will depend a lot on your friend, but you will know her best. I received a few gifts that mean a lot to me, a personalized Christmas tree ornament, a plaque with a Bible verse with her name, etc. If you think this is something your friend would want then send it. Some families aren't ready for gifts like that at first (understandable) so you may want to wait a bit, but again, you will know her best.
When she is ready to talk just listen, don't try to make her feel better or use trite phrases (and even well meaning phrases sound really trite after losing a child).
If they are having a funeral I would avoid sending flowers, personally I didn't want something else in my house that would eventually die and need to be "thrown away". Send a card, make a donation to a charity in Brooklyn's name, send money to help with funeral expenses, etc.
I'm sorry for your friend, losing a child is never easy, especially when it is unexpected.
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Post by lucilleaustero on Dec 8, 2017 13:43:06 GMT -6
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Post by oldbaylover1024 on Dec 8, 2017 13:44:04 GMT -6
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aprilz81
Platinum
Posts: 1,760 Likes: 4,025
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Post by aprilz81 on Dec 8, 2017 15:48:56 GMT -6
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hawkward
Global Moderator
Loss, Infertility
Posts: 19,637 Likes: 123,085
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Post by hawkward on Dec 8, 2017 17:29:33 GMT -6
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peaseblossom55
Platinum
Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear.
Posts: 1,461 Likes: 3,090
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Post by peaseblossom55 on Dec 8, 2017 21:47:02 GMT -6
I am so very sorry for the loss. Everyone gave great advice already.
I would keep in touch ask how she is doing I had a friend who checked in with me throughout the whole first year. Every few weeks it meant so much that when Everyone else stopped checking in she still did.
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cribs
Sapphire
Posts: 4,276 Likes: 19,978
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Post by cribs on Dec 9, 2017 15:14:23 GMT -6
lucilleaustero I'm sorry. I would keep checking in with her. I love anything with my son's name on it. I have an ornament that I got the first year that I love. I put up a stocking for him too. I know she probably won't be up for stuff like that this year but I'm am glad I have things like that for this time of year. Also again i am so so sorry
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Post by fikafairy on Dec 9, 2017 16:31:45 GMT -6
hawkward had a lot of great suggestions. Keep checking in with her, even if she doesn’t reply. Also, do your best to never ever forget. The worst feeling in the world is thinking that the baby didn’t matter because she (or he) isn’t physically in front of you anymore, especially when others forget or exclude them. I’m hyper sensitive to that right now because of how my ILs are/have been about our lost daughter, but it’s still good advice. Brooklyn Grace is a beautiful name! I am so sorry for your friends loss. Check in on due dates, birth dates, and the days leading up to major holidays. Just a simple “thinking of you and Brooklyn” can go a long way. Most of all, use her name.
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jrun2013
Sapphire
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Post by jrun2013 on Dec 10, 2017 10:28:42 GMT -6
I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have anything new to add, just pretty much +1 to everything Hawkward said. The texting was especially helpful for me in the early days because I could communicate, but actually talking would make me lose it.
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