Intro ***TRIGGER WARNING LOSS MENTIONED***

[notmoose]

***Loss mentioned and LC mentioned***



Hi, I am notmoose. I just had my first loss on Wednesday (8/2/17). I was almost 11 weeks. I had had spotting starting at 9 weeks. My doctor had me come in to try to find the heartbeat with the doppler at 9w 4d and 10w 2d, it was never found.

On Wednesday morning I went to hobby lobby to get stuff for my sister's baby shower. I went to the bathroom and there was a good amount of blood. I called the Dr and he wanted me to come in at 1. I went to my appt and he said I was probably miscarrying but he scheduled an appointment for an ultrasound the next day.

***TW GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION***



That night I had very heavy bleeding accompanied by strong cramps/contractions. At 11pm I passed a couple clots the size of my hand that I believe was the placenta and baby. I knew then there was no hope.

I went to my ultrasound the next morning, and like I expected, there was nothing in my uterus save for a few clots. Even though I was expecting this, it absolutely devastated me. I barely left my bed until Saturday.

My doctor did not call to tell me the results of the ultrasound. I called 4 times before I finally got to talk to the doctor on Friday at 3pm (keep in mind I miscarried on Wednesday).

I am absolutely devastated. We tried for 7 months to get pregnant. When we finally got the positive I was ecstatic, so grateful, and couldn't wait. My sister was due 2 months before me. We bought matching outfits, talked about how our babies would be best friends, and planned to get professional photos done. The day I got my ultrasound to confirm my miscarriage she got an ultrasound to find out she was having a baby boy.

Idk how to get through this. I have been drinking my feelings and hiding from my family. My heart is broken and I don't know how to get back to "normal". MH has taken on 100% of kid duty. I can barely make it an hour without crying. I have been drunk for 2 days because I can't stand feeling all my feelings.

How do I move on? How do I stop crying and get back to being myself? How do I be a mom again when my heart is breaking every minute I'm awake?

[bethkate]

**lurking**

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how hopeless you feel. I know how hard it is to feel like you'll never be able to rebound, but you will. The pain never completely goes away, but over time, it does lessen. Hugs to you as you try to move forward.

[hawkward]

I am so sorry for your loss.

It's still so fresh. I promise you it won't always feel this raw. My sister and I were due the same day. She has a three year old and I do not. I admit sometimes it's still hard to be around my niece, but most of the time it's okay. Give yourself time to grieve before you set any expectations for the way you'll move and feel from this point forward. It's fine and normal to take some time and space for yourself, and it's okay to tell your family that if you need to.

[cnf]

I am so sorry for your loss. Time helps, I promise. Grieve, feel your feelings, cry as much as you need. It's ok to do so.

[LED]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry you had a shitty experience with your doctor's office, that only makes it harder. Loss is hard, even after you think you're done with the constant crying, grief sneaks up on you at the most random times, and that's okay. Society is weird with pregnancy loss. People expect you to be fine with the death of your child. I will never understand why. But it does get easier in time. It's never easy, but it's not always going to feel as bad as it feels right now.

[notmoose]

Thank you for your kind words ladies. It helps just to get these feelings out and just get kind/understanding answers instead of feeling judged or getting shitty "it's gods plan" replies.

[swivelchair5]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Take the time and space to heal. It's not easy, but it will get better. My story is actually very similar to yours - it took us 9 months to conceive, my SIL was due 6 weeks before me and then I miscarried in my 11th week. I can barely remember the first 6 weeks after my MC, I was in such a haze of grief. Just take it one day at a time, and take care of yourself.

[ajetter]

I really just want to hug you so bad. The first couple of weeks are so freaking hard. And like everyone said the grief may still sneak up on you when you least expect it. It's going to take a bit for your hormones to level out and those really really don't help.

Miscarriage sucks. It just really really sucks.

[DrHooch]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I had my first loss in June so I remember all too well how you're feeling. Like everyone else said, it gets easier with time. Be good to yourself, take it easy, and cope how you need to for the first couple of weeks. You will get to the point where you can function again (and if you don't, seek help - I was already in therapy when I lost the baby and it was really helpful). Go your H for stepping up. Hang in there. And remember, we are hear to listen.

[DrHooch]

Aug 7, 2017 12:53:59 GMT -6 notmoose said:

Thank you for your kind words ladies. It helps just to get these feelings out and just get kind/understanding answers instead of feeling judged or getting shitty "it's gods plan" replies.

I fucking hate that sentiment. TPs to anyone who has said that to you!

[Nymeria]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Try not to expect yourself to bounce back immediately - the best thing you can do is to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal and grieve. The pain may never completely go away, but it will get better.

Loss is such a terrible heartbreaking thing. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.

[bethkate]

Aug 8, 2017 12:33:22 GMT -6 DrHooch said:

Aug 7, 2017 12:53:59 GMT -6 notmoose said:

Thank you for your kind words ladies. It helps just to get these feelings out and just get kind/understanding answers instead of feeling judged or getting shitty "it's gods plan" replies.

I fucking hate that sentiment. TPs to anyone who has said that to you!

That's the worst.

No, I don't believe it's god's plan to take people's babies, and I don't think everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, shitty things just happen.