Support Please - TW: PG & LC

[booklover811]

TW: PG, LC, and loss







I posted on the Facebook group, but here is my story. I have an 18mo son, had a mmc in February at 9w and am in the middle of a cp at 4.5w right now.

I need support and I don't know where to turn. My family is not being super supportive. My mom told me yesterday "well at least you can get pregnant!" I almost lost my shit. My husband is acting like it's not happening and just being totally normal. I know that's his way of coping now, but I need more.

Everyone keeps telling me to keep my chin up and stay positive. I don't want to! I want to cry and mourn my baby, but I still have to go to work and take care of my family.

How did you find a balance between your grief and continuing your daily life?

[caer]

I'm so sorry for your loss booklover811. I'm sorry your mom said that to you and that your husband isn't being supportive. It's ok to be sad and mourn and to feel whatever you're feeling. I know one of the hardest things for me was the way the world kept going while I was falling apart. I tried to find time in the quiet moments to mourn - light a candle or let myself cry after everyone else had gone to bed. I'm sending you many hugs.

[littlelion]

booklover811 , I'm sorry for your loss. It is hard to go thru the daily routines while all you want to do is hide and cry.  I'm sorry your H isn't being supportive. I think it helps to go on with normal stuff when you know you have a time or place for the mourning to happen. Like caer , maybe find some time in the evening to reflect on your feelings.  I like to read beautiful quotes/poems about my lost pregnancies.  Here is a place you can maybe find some comforting words: www.sayinggoodbye.org/

ETA: the website has issues with the poems and quotes section, but if you google "saying goodbye quotes miscarriage" you'll see it as images. 

[LED]

booklover811, can you please add the TWs to the thread title as well? Thanks.

ETA, also, since this is a loss board, it's assumed loss will be talked about and does not need a TW.

[LED]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You absolutely have every right to grieve however you need to. Have you had a talk with your H about what you need from him and how he can best support you? I know for me a talk like that with my H was really helpful. He didn't mean to be dismissive, but he just didn't know how to help so her encouraged me to cope the only way he knew how. Which was absolutely not helpful to me. The talk really helped. As for the shitty comments, I'm so sorry. They're hard to avoid.

[booklover811]

Thanks ladies.

LED I tried talking to him a bit this morning, but it was rushed as we were all trying to run out the door. I'll talk to him more tonight.

[sven]

I don't have any advice, but I just want to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. ::hugs::

[addymac]

I'm so sorry. Can you take a day off from work or take a day to yourself? Tell DH you can take the kiddo for the day and just let you be? And maybe try and talk to him again about what you need. I'm so sorry your mom said that to you- my sister said the same thing to me when I was going through my loss, it really stings.

Sending hugs and I hope you get some time to grieve in the way you need. 💛

[Radley]

It's okay for your H to pretend like everything is normal, but it is also okay for you to know it's not. Maybe sit down with him and say something along the lines of "I realize this is how you cope and I'm trying to be respectful of that, but I would appreciate if you could maybe take kiddo out somewhere so I can have time to process". I cried when everyone was in bed, in the shower or whatever. I also didn't cry a lot though, I tend to repress crying a bit. I don't recommend that.
Maybe text your mom and let her know those kinds of comments are not helpful in the slightest and although you understand it was supposed to be comforting, it wasn't and request that she refrain from that line of "comfort" in the future. I snapped at my MIL when she told me "you can have another baby". She has never lost a child but I didn't care, I told her "I don't want another baby, I wanted this one" and handed the phone to H so I didn't have to talk to her anymore. It's probably for the best to let her know that it hurt. She may apologize.

Eta: it's okay and valid for your both to grieve in your own way as long as no one is invalidating the other person's needs and feelings. If you need him to hold you, hopefully he can do that. If he has a moment when he needs you to let him forget, that's okay too. I'm so terribly sorry you are going through this. If you need someone to message, go ahead and PM me any time.

[agpjt413]

I'm so sorry for your loss booklover811 - sending so many hugs your way. I'm also sorry you're not getting support from your mom & H. I agree with many of the suggestions the ladies have made. Please make some time for yourself to grieve however you want. I felt the same while going through my losses - it was tough trying to put on a happy face in public when you're grieving. We're here for you.

[smores]

booklover811 The other ladies have given good advice. I want to let you know that I am so, very sorry for your losses. It was really hard for me to figure out the balance as well, especially during/right after when everything was still so raw emotionally. I did most of my crying in the shower for a while. I just told myself that I could cry for as long as I was in there, but that when I turned the water off I would have to pull myself together. I don't know if that's the best way to cope, but it allowed me to have my time to grieve and be mad and just cry, even if it was only for 10 minutes.