|
|
Post by sweptaway on Jan 6, 2021 11:18:19 GMT -6
UPDATE: I wanted to thank everyone for sharing your thoughts and stories. Today is the day that we need to say goodbye to our pup. We told DS about two weeks ago that the dog was sick, and we explained the euthanasia process to him this morning. Of course he's gutted, but I am glad in the end that he has a chance to say goodbye. So sorry to all of you who have had to do this, too
I know there isn't a right answer here but trying to get some perspective. DS is 8. He's been around for the death of two cats, but was younger and not so attached or understanding.
Our dog has lymphoma and was diagnosed about 2 months ago. He was doing well and fairly spunky for a while but he is now clearly starting to decline and we think we do not have much time left (maybe a few weeks? It's hard to know as he has some days that are better than others).
H and I are struggling with what, if anything, to tell DS. I think we should tell him that the dog is getting old and slowing down (we already hinted at this when the dog did not come on the last hike we went on for that reason), and that he isn't feeling well. H thinks we should be honest and tell DS the dog has cancer and isn't going to live much longer. I just can't bear how sad that will make him and I'm afraid it will color the time we have left.
I'm also worried about how to handle logistics when the time comes because I definitely do NOT want DS to know when we chose to euthanize; I want him to think the dog died naturally when the time comes. I don't want it to be a total shocking surprise to DS but I also don't want him to spend weeks being sad that the dog is going to die (because I've spent the last two months being sad and worried about it and it sucks).
(relevant FYI we are not God or heaven people and DS has experienced death of family members so I'm not looking for advice on how to talk to DS about death in general)
Discussion?
|
|
pobre
Ruby
Posts: 22,372
Likes: 203,324
|
Post by pobre on Jan 6, 2021 11:22:28 GMT -6
Personally, I would most likely tell him the dog is sick.
I would not lie about the manner the dog dies. What is your reasoning for that?
|
|
|
|
Post by sweptaway on Jan 6, 2021 11:24:06 GMT -6
Personally, I would most likely tell him the dog is sick. I would not lie about the manner the dog dies. What is your reasoning for that? I think euthanasia is a really hard concept for an 8 year old and I'm afraid he's going to think we killed his dog |
|
pobre
Ruby
Posts: 22,372
Likes: 203,324
|
Post by pobre on Jan 6, 2021 11:25:21 GMT -6
Personally, I would most likely tell him the dog is sick. I would not lie about the manner the dog dies. What is your reasoning for that? I think euthanasia is a really hard concept for an 8 year old and I'm afraid he's going to think we killed his dog Ah. I disagree, but you know your kid best. |
|
Pistol
Diamond
Posts: 28,064 Likes: 62,420 
|
Post by Pistol on Jan 6, 2021 11:28:55 GMT -6
Personally, I would most likely tell him the dog is sick. I would not lie about the manner the dog dies. What is your reasoning for that? I think euthanasia is a really hard concept for an 8 year old and I'm afraid he's going to think we killed his dog I think you could frame it as the dog is in pain and while it is normal to want to have the dog around as long as possible that it is actually in the best interest of the dog to allow him to be out of his misery rather than suffering so long. I feel like my 8 year old would understand that but you know your kid best. |
|
|
|
Post by sweptaway on Jan 6, 2021 11:29:55 GMT -6
pobre, Pistol, I appreciate the perspective. Definitely something to think about.
|
|
Pistol
Diamond
Posts: 28,064 Likes: 62,420
|
Post by Pistol on Jan 6, 2021 11:38:08 GMT -6
Our dog died on her own. H and I kinda knew it was coming (she was 13 and we could see her slowing down) and would make comments like she won't be here forever and things like that occasionally. Not to bum the kids out but just to try to prepare them that there would be a day she would not be here. They handled the death pretty good, IMO. C still says he misses her and that he wants another husky but overall they did OK. I don't know if it was our casual mentioning of eventually she would be gone or what but I feel our other dog took it harder than they did.
|
|
|
|
Post by shan-ah-doo on Jan 6, 2021 11:39:38 GMT -6
I have no advice but wanted to just give some ❤️. I’m sorry.
|
|
|
|
Post by sweptaway on Jan 6, 2021 11:41:56 GMT -6
Our dog died on her own. H and I kinda knew it was coming (she was 13 and we could see her slowing down) and would make comments like she won't be here forever and things like that occasionally. Not to bum the kids out but just to try to prepare them that there would be a day she would not be here. They handled the death pretty good, IMO. C still says he misses her and that he wants another husky but overall they did OK. I don't know if it was our casual mentioning of eventually she would be gone or what but I feel our other dog took it harder than they did. I remember that and I'm sorry. We are definitely going to prepare him, I think I just want to minimize the time he has to deal with it. My H wanted to tell him right away, and I'm just trying to balance too much time and not enough. It all stinks. And damn you guys, my kid loves this dog so so much. |
|
|
|
Post by filingjointly on Jan 6, 2021 11:45:27 GMT -6
You obviously know your child best and I don’t think your approach is wrong in any way.
I was an anxious child and being told a beloved pet was sick and nearing death would have stressed me out quite a bit. That being said,I was older than your son when we put our family dog down but I so so appreciated having a time the night before to say my final goodbyes.
|
|
|
|
Post by sweptaway on Jan 6, 2021 11:46:28 GMT -6
pobre, would you consider having your son present for the euthanasia itself?
|
|
|
|
Post by sweptaway on Jan 6, 2021 11:47:20 GMT -6
You obviously know your child best and I don’t think your approach is wrong in any way. That being said, I was an anxious child and being told a beloved pet was sick and nearing death would have stressed me out quite a bit. I was older than your son when we put our family dog down but I so so appreciated having a time the night before to say my final goodbyes. I'm an anxious adult and it IS very stressful. I'm not sure if I am projecting that on DS or not. Did your parents just tell you the day before? |
|
brux
Diamond
Posts: 35,304 Likes: 282,199
|
Post by brux on Jan 6, 2021 11:47:23 GMT -6
pobre , would you consider having your son present for the euthanasia itself? nope. |
|
ktg
Moderator 
Posts: 5,947
Likes: 32,962
|
Post by ktg on Jan 6, 2021 11:48:00 GMT -6
We euthanized our dog (he was 14) in August, after a brief but obvious decline in his health. We told our kids (3 and 5) in clear terms what we were doing and why. The 5-yr old very clearly understood and was very upset, which is exactly what I expected, since death upsetting and grief is hard.
I did not want her thinking the vet was a bad place or person, or that pets go there to die. I wanted her to know WE, my husband and I, were making this decision because we did not want our dog to suffer needlessly when his body was failing.
Both kids still talk about our dog randomly and the 5-yr old talks through us choosing to end his life. It was difficult, but I have never regretted telling my kids the hard truth.
|
|
|
|
Post by filingjointly on Jan 6, 2021 11:50:04 GMT -6
You obviously know your child best and I don’t think your approach is wrong in any way. That being said, I was an anxious child and being told a beloved pet was sick and nearing death would have stressed me out quite a bit. I was older than your son when we put our family dog down but I so so appreciated having a time the night before to say my final goodbyes. I'm an anxious adult and it IS very stressful. I'm not sure if I am projecting that on DS or not. Did your parents just tell you the day before? My situation was a little different because we knew my dog was getting older but she took a turn for the very worse almost overnight. So then my parents told us and we all took time that day to say goodbye and she was gone the next morning. ETA: I’ve never thought about it but I guess it’s entirely possible my parents knew she was going downhill before they told us. |
|
|
|
Post by greykitty on Jan 6, 2021 11:50:45 GMT -6
One suggestion - talk to your vet about the euthanasia procedure at their practice and what they think about having your child present.
Many vets will perform the procedure at home, and while I said goodbye at the vet's practice, it was sad but far more peaceful and loving transition than I had anticipated. I was allowed all the time I wanted/needed to say goodbye. COVIC has altered some protocols, but something to discuss with the vet, I think.
I am so sorry.
|
|
Pistol
Diamond
Posts: 28,064 Likes: 62,420
|
Post by Pistol on Jan 6, 2021 11:52:09 GMT -6
pobre, would you consider having your son present for the euthanasia itself? Not pobre, but if you tell him ahead of time, I think 8 would be reasonable to let him make an informed decision on how involved he wants to be. |
|
brux
Diamond
Posts: 35,304 Likes: 282,199
|
Post by brux on Jan 6, 2021 11:52:14 GMT -6
DS was 5 when we had to decide to euthanize our family dog. She was noticeably declining and he was aware that the dog was getting sicker.
I didn't explain euthanasia to him at the time, but on the day I took the dog to the vet, I told him that I thought this was the dog's last day and he should say goodbye.
Now that he's almost 8, I would explain the process in advance to him. That pet owners who love their pets sometimes have to make tough decisions along with the advice from the expert veterinarians when the pet is in too much pain and it's life isn't best to continue.
Say that you'll bring the pet to the vet where the dog will get a shot that stops the pet's heart. That's it's very fast and painless for the animal and once they die their pain will go away and their body looks like they're sleeping.
I'd also explain that this *isn't* something that typically happens for people, that he shouldn't be worried that a doctor and his family would make that decision for anyone.
|
|
|
|
Post by sweptaway on Jan 6, 2021 11:53:19 GMT -6
One suggestion - talk to your vet about the euthanasia procedure at their practice and what they think about having your child present. Many vets will perform the procedure at home, and while I said goodbye at the vet's practice, it was sad but far more peaceful and loving transition than I had anticipated. I was allowed all the time I wanted/needed to say goodbye. COVIC has altered some protocols, but something to discuss with the vet, I think. I am so sorry. I have personally been through 3 euthanasias at this practice and I've already made sure we will be allowed to be present. They are very compassionate. I think we will probably tell DS about the illness this weekend; the comments here have given me a lot to think about regarding end of life logistics. This part of life/death/pet ownership/being a grown up really sucks |
|
|
|
Post by sweptaway on Jan 6, 2021 11:53:42 GMT -6
pobre , would you consider having your son present for the euthanasia itself? Not pobre, but if you tell him ahead of time, I think 8 would be reasonable to let him make an informed decision on how involved he wants to be. Well, that's a smart thought, too. Thank you |
|
brux
Diamond
Posts: 35,304 Likes: 282,199
|
Post by brux on Jan 6, 2021 11:54:21 GMT -6
I think being present for the actual death is very person specific.
H, for example, can barely handle thinking of a dog's euthanasia from 8 years ago. I wouldn't bring a child along, lest it be a traumatic emotional experience for them. But I'd explain and share basics and give as much detail as the child wanted.
|
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2021 11:54:27 GMT -6
Losing a pet is so tough, heartbreaking really.
Your kid at 8 is going to process it differently than you will. It may be more or less intense and there is also the possibility that his grief will be relatively short lived.
I would tell him the truth that the dog is sick. If you decide to euthanize, explain that it is the right thing to do.
I would not take him for the procedure though. That part is very, very hard to witness.
|
|
|
|
Post by sweptaway on Jan 6, 2021 11:55:03 GMT -6
DS was 5 when we had to decide to euthanize our family dog. She was noticeably declining and he was aware that the dog was getting sicker. I didn't explain euthanasia to him at the time, but on the day I took the dog to the vet, I told him that I thought this was the dog's last day and he should say goodbye. Now that he's almost 8, I would explain the process in advance to him. That pet owners who love their pets sometimes have to make tough decisions along with the advice from the expert veterinarians when the pet is in too much pain and it's life isn't best to continue. Say that you'll bring the pet to the vet where the dog will get a shot that stops the pet's heart. That's it's very fast and painless for the animal and once they die their pain will go away and their body looks like they're sleeping. I'd also explain that this *isn't* something that typically happens for people, that he shouldn't be worried that a doctor and his family would make that decision for anyone. This is exactly how we handled things the last go 'round; DS was probably the same age. I was kind of going to play it the same this time but I am definitely considering your suggestions here. |
|
Pistol
Diamond
Posts: 28,064 Likes: 62,420
|
Post by Pistol on Jan 6, 2021 11:55:04 GMT -6
Not pobre, but if you tell him ahead of time, I think 8 would be reasonable to let him make an informed decision on how involved he wants to be. Well, that's a smart thought, too. Thank you I'm sorry you guys are going through this. I wish you the smoothest transition you can have. I won't say its going to be easy because its not but I hope that your family is able to find peace. |
|
brux
Diamond
Posts: 35,304 Likes: 282,199
|
Post by brux on Jan 6, 2021 11:56:34 GMT -6
DS was 5 when we had to decide to euthanize our family dog. She was noticeably declining and he was aware that the dog was getting sicker. I didn't explain euthanasia to him at the time, but on the day I took the dog to the vet, I told him that I thought this was the dog's last day and he should say goodbye. Now that he's almost 8, I would explain the process in advance to him. That pet owners who love their pets sometimes have to make tough decisions along with the advice from the expert veterinarians when the pet is in too much pain and it's life isn't best to continue. Say that you'll bring the pet to the vet where the dog will get a shot that stops the pet's heart. That's it's very fast and painless for the animal and once they die their pain will go away and their body looks like they're sleeping. I'd also explain that this *isn't* something that typically happens for people, that he shouldn't be worried that a doctor and his family would make that decision for anyone. This is exactly how we handled things the last go 'round; DS was probably the same age. I was kind of going to play it the same this time but I am definitely considering your suggestions here. A couple times I realized that my approach last time wasn't perfect. He's asked how I knew she was going to die that day. He also asked where her body went, if I saw it disappear before my eyes when she died. So I realized that he's old enough to know more about the logistics and decision process. |
|
pobre
Ruby
Posts: 22,372
Likes: 203,324
|
Post by pobre on Jan 6, 2021 11:57:09 GMT -6
pobre, would you consider having your son present for the euthanasia itself? No. He said goodbye at home the morning of. |
|
|
|
Post by sweptaway on Jan 6, 2021 11:58:24 GMT -6
This is exactly how we handled things the last go 'round; DS was probably the same age. I was kind of going to play it the same this time but I am definitely considering your suggestions here. A couple times I realized that my approach last time wasn't perfect. He's asked how I knew she was going to die that day. He also asked where her body went, if I saw it disappear before my eyes when she died. So I realized that he's old enough to know more about the logistics and decision process. Ah well, we have always buried our pets in the yard so that piece allows for some "closure" at least. |
|
|
|
Post by filingjointly on Jan 6, 2021 12:00:58 GMT -6
Also, I am so sorry about the situation. Every part of losing a pet sucks. ❤️
|
|
|
|
Post by daometjing on Jan 6, 2021 12:12:14 GMT -6
We had our dog euthanized last week. My kids are 4 and 6. Before I left, I explained that she was very old and we talked about how she was sick and in pain and did not have a good life anymore. I explained euthanasia and why we were choosing to do it, and said that the doctor and I were going to have a discussion to decide if that was the best choice for the dog. They know I was a horse vet, so my oldest had questions about exactly what would happen, so I explained the procedure and that the doctor would give the dog medication that would cause her to not be alive anymore. They each took some time to say goodbye to her before we left.
|
|
|
|
Post by ironcorgi on Jan 6, 2021 12:16:08 GMT -6
I struggled with this a few months ago. DD (just turned 7 at the time) knew our dog was sick and didn't have much time left. We just told her that she had a sickness the vet couldn't cure and the medicine would help her symptoms for a while, but it would not cure her.
My dog was diagnosed with less than 2 months left to live, but the vet warned it would most likely be weeks and not months. She actually didn't decline too bad until the evening before she died. I was going to take her to get euthanized that morning, but she ended up passing before I could even call and make the vet appointment. I wouldn't wait too long to have the discussion because I thought my dog had at least another week left by the way she was acting that weekend.
It really helped DD to say a last goodbye after she passed, so I would consider letting your child have a chance to say goodbye, even if they aren't in the room when the euthanasia happens.
We are all still pretty emotional about the whole thing. I had her for 15 years and DD did not know a life without her. DD also still talks about her A LOT. But we cremated her and have her ashes and paw print, so that also gives us all some comfort.
DD's cousin is religious and talks about heaven, so DD decided our dog went to doggie heaven. I haven't said anything otherwise.
Anyway that was word vomit but TLDR I would tell him and be upfront about what's going on. You don't know how much time you truly have left and I am so glad that DD was somewhat prepared because I was an emotional wreck for days and could not have handled dealing with her shock and questions about what happened to her.
|
|
