After the loss- what helps?

[August Blooms]

This board isn’t so active but I’m hoping someone around can help me out. It’s been a week since my miscarriage happened. This pregnancy was #3 and happened because my IUD went missing. I went for my dating ultrasound at what should have been 10wks 5 days and no heartbeat was found. I miscarried last Wednesday and spent the day at the hospital with super heavy bleeding, I ended up having a D&C. I basically gave birth to my baby in shared emergency room washroom. I spent the day alone at the ER and after my D&C my husband picked me up.

On top of the miscarriage, we moved, started a reno right away and my husband was deciding on a new job offer all within a few days. I see a psychologist but she is super busy and I’m hoping for a cancellation. In the mean time I’m really struggling, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m tired. Things had already turned upside down with this pregnancy and now after the my life has been turned upside down, it’s been completely shaken up again. I have no one to talk to in real life. My husband is seeming to fail to understand exactly how it has impacted me and is fixated on the new house and the new job.

So my question is what helps get through this period? Is it just time?

[caer]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I had a loss at almost 9 weeks that ended in a D&C a few years ago and an earlier loss last summer after an unexpected pregnancy.

For me, the most helpful thing was to keep talking through everything. I know this board isn’t very active but please know that you can use this space to talk about whatever you’re feeling. The people who are here get it. It’s a messy and difficult thing to go through and it’s ok to vent or scream or complain. Whatever you need.

Time does help, too. Those first days are so freaking hard but it will get easier.

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and that you’re in such a difficult place right now. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and sending you love and hugs.

[mirabelle]

For me the only thing that has truly helped has been time and talking about it with others when I felt ready. I’m on Zoloft and that helps a lot too.

With my H I just got used to talking at him about my feelings even though I could tell he could not relate because he didn’t have the physical trauma and the mental anguish I was going through. Looking back and even now I am grateful he was strong and almost emotionless about it for me because if we both would have been torn up to the level I was I don’t know what that that would have done to our relationship.

I’m very sorry for your loss and what I imagine was an awful and physically painful time in the ER. My heart aches for what you’ve gone through. Those first few months I was just going through the motions and would break down out of nowhere because little things would remind me of what had happened. Give yourself time and space to grieve and I hope so badly for you that you can see your therapist soon because talking about it helps a lot and just reliving the events in a safe space is important too and working with your therapist to figure out what to do when those vivid thoughts and memories creep up on you, because they will and it can change the whole course of your day. I also had to learn to be real blunt with some people who couldn’t fully grasp what I was going through without getting too specific with them.

[hawkward]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Almost seven years ago, I had a similarly physically traumatic loss in the ER. We were in the middle of moving back to the States and it was like there was no time for me to just grieve. H was starting his new job and we were living temporarily apart as we found a house, etc., and he was fixated on all that. A long time later, I told him I was really angry at him because my life felt shattered and he just continued, and he was like "...I couldn't just stop because you needed that more." It was a big OH moment for me.

Two things helped me- going to bed and then getting comfortable with telling people what I needed or how I was feeling. I blocked off an entire day to myself and stayed in bed and cried. I mean, I was still tired and sad and in pain but the act of saying I am not okay right now instead of just KOKO with life felt like a release for a bit and helped me regroup.

This board isn't very active, but there is a group of us that is always around checking in. Whenever you need to talk, we're here.

[oldbaylover1024]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Like others have said, this board isn't very active, but we're around and checking in. Please know we're here <3

My first two losses were very similar to yours. I'm sorry you were alone in the hospital during your D&C, and that all this additional life stuff is going on. Things that helped me were talking about it with a close friend that GOT it; take time for yourself and do not apologize for it; and finally, allowing myself to grieve. You suffered a loss and it's okay to recognize that loss. Feel what you need to feel. I found once I allowed myself to properly grieve I felt better. Not perfect, not exactly like myself, but I felt like I had given myself permission(?) to move on with life.

Over time I've become much more vocal about my losses, but it took a while to get there. We're here for you whenever you need to talk.

[enchanted]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm also incredibly sorry you were alone. 

Like the others said, it just takes time to find your way forward. Talking to others who get it. You can post here or message any one of us. I know the board isn't active, but we are here.

I know you said you're hoping for a cancellation; reach out to the grief services at your hospital. I know some offer free counseling for at least a session or two. (I also know not all hospitals do that, but it can't hurt to try.)

*poof*

As for your husband, I wouldn't be surprised if part of his fixation is him not knowing what else to do. Be honest with what you need from him. I know it's not always an easy thing to do face to face. There is no shame in writing him a letter/email. Men also grieve differently. *poof*

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. <3

[August Blooms]

Thank you all for sharing your stories, I’ve read them over the past few days, I’m sorry for your losses and that you have had similar experiences. My day to day has been getting better, today was a good day for the most part, I’ve only cried a few times. Its such a rollercoaster of emotions. It’s not been easy with my husband, I will maybe try a suggestion or two from here to try to talk to him, I’m not good at sharing things so it’s not going to be easy.

I hate being in survival mode, I feel like such a crappy mom and wife, but I know if I don’t deal with my feelings it will make things worse in the long term.

My psychologist had a cancellation for Tuesday so I’ll be able to talk to someone, she is super busy and actually had two cancellations so I’m booked for 2 appointments over the next few weeks. I’m looking forward to the appointment, now I just have to survive the weekend.

Sorry for the word vomit, thanks for taking the time to read and offer your advice. It really means a lot.

[caer]

Thinking of you August Blooms. I’m glad you were able to get an appointment.

[Yogurt]

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you.