Post by surprisepartysue on Jun 23, 2017 10:21:58 GMT -6
I'm not sure the proper way to post. I'm just lost and don't know who or where to turn.
Tl:dr this is my story I feel like I needed to write it out. I'm struggling emotionally with the past two weeks.
I experienced my first loss on Tuesday at 6w 3d. I have two daughters 3 & 1. Both of those pregnancies took careful planning and months of actively trying. This was my surprise baby. I found out two weeks ago. I was sad and angry because the timing was off, and Dh and I were recently talking about maybe being done with having kids. I didn't understand how I had gotten pregnant when it took so much for me the first two times. I also found out a week before I was leaving for an all girls trip to Mexico. After a few days I began to be excited. This was a gift God wanted me to have. He wanted me to have 3 children. I still ended up going on my girls trip. I babysat my sister and friend while they got wasted. Several times I heard "I wish you weren't pregnant so you could drink and have fun!" Each time I was ok with it. I am not a big drinker. One or two is enough for me. I even had my BF say " wouldn't it be crazy if you didn't drink this entire time and you had a false positive?" I know she never thought I'd lose the baby. But that's what happened. Tuesday we got up at 2am and flew out of Mexico at 6am. When we landed in Houston at 8:30am I went to the bathroom and noticed brown spotting. I ended up calling my doc and leaving a vm for the nurse. I didn't hear back until I landed in the town I live in. She wanted me to come in and get my betas tested and a rohgam shot. I went in at 3:00pm and did both. By 7:30pm the brown spotting turn red and I called DH, who was at work, and told him we needed to go to the ER. After a 6 hour ER visit and a traumatizing vaginal ultrasound the doc came in to tell me there was a sac but no heart beat. That combined with my betas of 700 they believe the baby didn't develop and I was in the process of a MC. Dh was angry and non supportive at this point. I cried and told him to leave. I know he was scared and that's how he was coping but selfishly this was happening to me, to my body. I needed compassion and someone to hold me. We got home at 2:45 am, MIL was at our house with the girls. She held me while I cried and told me it will be ok. Finally after 24 hours of being awake I got some rest. My mom picked up the girls so DH and I could sleep and process the events of the night before. I literally laid in bed all day and cried.
Emotionally I'm still a wreck. I do feel better when I'm around my girls. Dh has been supportive and trying to make things better for me. I've had family members try to call me but I can't talk about it. I lose all my composure the moment I try to speak. I haven't been able to reply to any of my texts. I just can't talk about it.
I just don't understand. It's making me question my faith. Wasn't the baby a gift from God? How did I have a surprise baby without having the struggle of conceiving I had with both girls? If this was a gift God gave me then why take it away from me? It's it because I was angry at first? Is it because I went to Mexico? Did He think I was ungrateful? Why did this happen? How do I move on?
So sorry for the long post I just needed to write this out.
Tl:dr this is my story I feel like I needed to write it out. I'm struggling emotionally with the past two weeks.
I experienced my first loss on Tuesday at 6w 3d. I have two daughters 3 & 1. Both of those pregnancies took careful planning and months of actively trying. This was my surprise baby. I found out two weeks ago. I was sad and angry because the timing was off, and Dh and I were recently talking about maybe being done with having kids. I didn't understand how I had gotten pregnant when it took so much for me the first two times. I also found out a week before I was leaving for an all girls trip to Mexico. After a few days I began to be excited. This was a gift God wanted me to have. He wanted me to have 3 children. I still ended up going on my girls trip. I babysat my sister and friend while they got wasted. Several times I heard "I wish you weren't pregnant so you could drink and have fun!" Each time I was ok with it. I am not a big drinker. One or two is enough for me. I even had my BF say " wouldn't it be crazy if you didn't drink this entire time and you had a false positive?" I know she never thought I'd lose the baby. But that's what happened. Tuesday we got up at 2am and flew out of Mexico at 6am. When we landed in Houston at 8:30am I went to the bathroom and noticed brown spotting. I ended up calling my doc and leaving a vm for the nurse. I didn't hear back until I landed in the town I live in. She wanted me to come in and get my betas tested and a rohgam shot. I went in at 3:00pm and did both. By 7:30pm the brown spotting turn red and I called DH, who was at work, and told him we needed to go to the ER. After a 6 hour ER visit and a traumatizing vaginal ultrasound the doc came in to tell me there was a sac but no heart beat. That combined with my betas of 700 they believe the baby didn't develop and I was in the process of a MC. Dh was angry and non supportive at this point. I cried and told him to leave. I know he was scared and that's how he was coping but selfishly this was happening to me, to my body. I needed compassion and someone to hold me. We got home at 2:45 am, MIL was at our house with the girls. She held me while I cried and told me it will be ok. Finally after 24 hours of being awake I got some rest. My mom picked up the girls so DH and I could sleep and process the events of the night before. I literally laid in bed all day and cried.
Emotionally I'm still a wreck. I do feel better when I'm around my girls. Dh has been supportive and trying to make things better for me. I've had family members try to call me but I can't talk about it. I lose all my composure the moment I try to speak. I haven't been able to reply to any of my texts. I just can't talk about it.
I just don't understand. It's making me question my faith. Wasn't the baby a gift from God? How did I have a surprise baby without having the struggle of conceiving I had with both girls? If this was a gift God gave me then why take it away from me? It's it because I was angry at first? Is it because I went to Mexico? Did He think I was ungrateful? Why did this happen? How do I move on?
So sorry for the long post I just needed to write this out.