Advice on how to help mom who lost micropremie

[shambam08]

My cousin gave birth to her little boy at just shy of 24 weeks. He passed away after almost 4 weeks in the NICU. My heart is broken for her. After she gave birth she seemed okay but when his health started deteriorating she shut everyone out. I sent her messages every few days to let her know we were thinking of them. Now that he has passed I don’t know what to do for her. I unexpectedly ran into her yesterday and I feel like I totally messed up trying to talk to her. My kids were with so it was just an awkward situation. I did tell her if she ever wanted to just hang out or talk to call me. I don’t want to be pushy or annoying but I’m worried about her. She had some substance abuse issues before getting pregnant and I fear she’ll go back down that dark path. What can I do to help her through this difficult time? I had an early loss and I was devastated. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to lose a baby you’ve been able to see and touch for 4 short weeks.

[enchanted]

I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for her and your family.

I am running errands, but will come back later with some resources. I didn't want to read and not respond.

[enchanted]

I'm sorry. I didn't forget.

The biggest things are to use the baby's name whenever you talk about him and let her know that you are thinking of her and are available to listen. Send her texts (like you did when he was in the hospital) so that she can respond on her own time, in her own way. Remember to keep doing it. There is a lot of support at first, but after a month or so, it seems to go away and that's hard. She may not always respond (or never), but knowing someone cares is huge.

If you know her due date, send her a card to let her know you're thinking of her around that time. The "what ifs" are hard. Remember the baby's birthday day and the day he passed and send her cards next year (in the next few if you think of it) on those days.

Are you close enough that giving her an ornament with the baby's name on it at Christmas would be appropriate? I know how much I cherish the ornament my parents gave me for what should have been our lost baby's first Christmas.

This is also a good post to read from a mom who lost a preemie: pinchofyum.com/what-to-do-when-your-friend-loses-a-baby
Like the author says, you know your cousin so if some of it isn't a good fit, then don't use it.

You're a good cousin for wanting to help her through this.

[fikafairy]

enchanted had a lot of great suggestions. One thing I can say is there are lots of things to NOT say (like this article - www.verywellfamily.com/what-should-i-say-after-the-death-of-a-baby-284514) that people tried to say to me that made it worse.

I will also echo that there was a lot of support at first, but over time it all fades and many people forget the important dates or that support is needed around other things.

I'm so sorry for your cousin's loss, and the grief that is rippling through your family.

[shambam08]

Jan 23, 2019 0:07:07 GMT -6 enchanted said:

I'm sorry. I didn't forget.

The biggest things are to use the baby's name whenever you talk about him and let her know that you are thinking of her and are available to listen. Send her texts (like you did when he was in the hospital) so that she can respond on her own time, in her own way. Remember to keep doing it. There is a lot of support at first, but after a month or so, it seems to go away and that's hard. She may not always respond (or never), but knowing someone cares is huge.

If you know her due date, send her a card to let her know you're thinking of her around that time. The "what ifs" are hard. Remember the baby's birthday day and the day he passed and send her cards next year (in the next few if you think of it) on those days.

Are you close enough that giving her an ornament with the baby's name on it at Christmas would be appropriate? I know how much I cherish the ornament my parents gave me for what should have been our lost baby's first Christmas.

This is also a good post to read from a mom who lost a preemie: pinchofyum.com/what-to-do-when-your-friend-loses-a-baby
Like the author says, you know your cousin so if some of it isn't a good fit, then don't use it.

You're a good cousin for wanting to help her through this.

He was born just before Christmas so I had a friend make her a beautiful hand blown ornament. It was simple and just blue but I thought it would be nice for her to have regardless of the outcome. I also made him a blanket for Christmas. I was the only extended family member that acknowledged him at Christmas (he was a week old). My thought was that it was his first Christmas no matter what and it should be treated as such. I have saved his birthday, due date and passing date in my phone so I won’t forget. I will continue to send her supportive messages. I’m okay if she doesn’t respond back. I just want her to know he was loved and will always be a part of our family. We aren’t super close because there is a big age gap but I think everything she has gone through has made her grow up in a hurry. She actually said he saved her because of the dangerous lifestyle she was living.

[peaseblossom55]

Everyone has given great advice. I am so sorry for your cousin. I had some good friends who continued to check in for month and months after we lost our babies most people trailed off after a month or two.

[oldbaylover1024]

You've gotten amazing advice. Keep checking in because, as PP said, most folks trail off after a few months.

And give her SO support, too. Sometimes they need support, too, and aren't getting it because the mother becomes the prime focus. MH appreciated texts and cards after our losses, too.

You're a great cousin for being there for her.