First loss

[champagne]

I’m not sure if anyone comes to this board but I just need a place to go. My H and I have been fighting IF for 5 1/2 years. We saved for years for IVF after multiple failed other attempts. We’re 100% OOP for treatment. Anyway, I had a frozen Embryo Transfer on Oct. 29 that was successful. After 5 years I saw my first positive pregnancy test and we were so over joyed. Last week I had my 6 week ultrasound with my RE and she couldn’t find the fetal pole. She prepared me for the worst but wanted to check in again in a week. Today at the follow up I was told it won’t be a viable pregnancy and I can stop my meds. I can’t believe this is happening. I’m so devastated and don’t know what to do. Any advice or hairpats welcome.

[enchanted]

I am so incredibly sorry.

The best advice I can give is let yourself grieve however you need to. Feel what you feel. It's so hard at first, but eventually, you will start having good days again. It just takes time.

And please know you can always reach out to us here or through PM. Unfortunately, there are quite a few here who have had losses.

Sending hugs.

[sammysam]

I'm so so sorry. I wish I had any helpful advice but I don't. It is unimaginably terrible. And after the road you have had to travel to get to this point I cannot begin to understand what you are going through.

With both of my losses people expected me to just get over them and move on. It was like as soon as the D&C was over everyone acted as though it had never happened and didn't understand why I was so upset. Don't let anyone make you feel like you shouldn't be allowed to grieve. You lost your baby. That you love. Take whatever time you need for yourself and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. I cried. A lot. For weeks. Even longer. Eventually you will start to feel better. But you will never forget. Even now it hits me at the strangest times.

The best advice I got on here was not to make any big decisions right away. Just take the time you need for you. And don't let anyone make you feel bad for doing whatever you need to do for yourself right now. Just take care of you.

[hawkward]

I’m so sorry for your loss.

[caer]

I’m so sorry. It’s awful and so unfair. Please know you can come here to vent or scream or talk anytime you want. Talking everything out really helped after my losses, because it really is a lot to process alone. Sending you love and strength. ❤️

[Yogurt]

I'm so sorry. It's one of those things where for me, there was nothing that could be said other than, "I'm sorry" or sometimes life just fucking sucks.

People around you will say stupid hurtful words most likely. Something that helped me was being open about my losses (back to back early losses) because then everyone started opening up to me about their losses.

It was a sad club I didn't want to join but I realized I could lean on so many of the women around me to scream and cry.

Your loss must be so painful due to your journey to the pregnancy and I am so profoundly sorry.

[lizblue]

I am so so sorry. We went through the IF and IVF road for many years and it only ended in loss. It is so very painful and no words will make it better. Please know that there is a community of women here who really get it and we are here for you to scream, cry, laugh, heal. Take it one day at a time. Sending big hugs.

[champagne]

Thank you all for your advice I really appreciate it. Yesterday I was such a mess. I cried until I had a massive headache and then cleaned the house to try to distract myself. I couldn’t sleep last night, I’m just so overwhelmed with emotions. We only have one embryo left and it’s not great quality so I’m so scared this is it for me and I’ll never get to carry a baby of my own. I’m going to try to take care of myself today and go get a pedicure.

I don’t really no what to expect next. I stopped my progesterone yesterday and it felt so weird. I’ve been taking meds like clockwork for months now. How soon should I expect to start bleeding? I know everyone is different but I’m just trying to get an idea. Thank you again everyone.

[caer]

champagne - I wasn’t on progesterone for either of my losses but I’m guessing it will depend on what your HCG is. My first loss was a MMC at almost 9 weeks and I didn’t have any bleeding until after the D&C. My second loss was around 5 weeks and the bleeding started when the line on the HPT was almost gone. With the second loss, it was just like a normal, slightly heavy period after it started. But I imagine experiences vary greatly.

(((Hugs))) I’m keeping you in my thoughts.

[sammysam]

champagne with my first loss (a MMC caught at 10 weeks) we knew development had stopped at around 6 weeks. I opted to let nature take its course. I spotted a little around 12 weeks and then hemorrhaged at 13 and had to have both misoprostal and a D&C in an attempt to stop the bleeding. That is not the norm though. With my second loss this past summer again we found out at 8 weeks that development had stopped around 6 weeks. But because my HCG was so high and still rising it was likely that my body wasn't going to figure it out on its own any time soon. They made me wait 1.5 weeks to get a repeat US just because of the HCG but then I had a D&C immediately after (the next day). I bled quite heavily after because I developed a hematoma from the procedure. But I didn't bleed at all before.

I think HCG will be your biggest indicator. Once it starts to fall you will likely start bleeding not too long after.

I'm so so sorry.

[Yogurt]

I didn't start bleeding until hcg was super low, like under 10. ❤❤❤❤❤❤

[champagne]

Thank you for sharing your experiences caer, sammysam and Yogurt. I have an appointment with my OBGYN next week (going through her vs. RE so it will be covered by insurance) so I guess I’ll know more of what she wants to do after that. I also want to add that I’m sorry for all of your losses as well.

[thechickencoop]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope your regular OB/gyn can provide you with some guidance and maybe some answers. {{hugs}}

[oldbaylover1024]

I'm so sorry for your loss, champagne. {{hugs}}

[nikkipal]

champagne, I’m so very sorry. It sounds like you’re being gentle to yourself which is important. Lean on your loved ones and feel free to vent here if needed. This board isn’t very active, but lots of folks check in to provide support when needed. Love and light to you and your husband.

[mirabelle]

Sorry for your loss champagne and battle with IF, sending many hugs.

[champagne]

Dec 3, 2018 16:04:01 GMT -6 nikkipal said:

champagne, I’m so very sorry. It sounds like you’re being gentle to yourself which is important. Lean on your loved ones and feel free to vent here if needed. This board isn’t very active, but lots of folks check in to provide support when needed. Love and light to you and your husband.

Thank you! I went to the pedicure on Saturday and the lady across from me was complaining about being 1 day past her due date. My eyes may have rolled all the way back in my head. So I rushed out trying to get away from her and in doing so I put shoes on too fast and ruined the pedicure. 😆 Oh well.

[flyliceandcoffee]

champagne, I am so so so sorry. Like everyone said, take the time you need to grieve. From my experience, be open about how you're feeling, especially, and most importantly with your husband. Loss is such a personal thing, but you are both hurting (even if it may not seem like) and not being open with each other about it can and often does lead to hurt feelings, resentment, etc down the road. There are, unfortunately, way too many of us here who have been there. Each situation is a little different, but we've all experienced that hurt and that loss so use us, lean on us, vent if you need to. We get it. And we all want to be here to help you through this tough time.

[champagne]

Dec 5, 2018 10:44:25 GMT -6 flyliceandcoffee said:

champagne, I am so so so sorry. Like everyone said, take the time you need to grieve. From my experience, be open about how you're feeling, especially, and most importantly with your husband. Loss is such a personal thing, but you are both hurting (even if it may not seem like) and not being open with each other about it can and often does lead to hurt feelings, resentment, etc down the road. There are, unfortunately, way too many of us here who have been there. Each situation is a little different, but we've all experienced that hurt and that loss so use us, lean on us, vent if you need to. We get it. And we all want to be here to help you through this tough time.

Thank you so much for your advice and sharing. I’m also sorry for your loss.

I met with my doctor again today and since I’m still not bleeding she will have me try the medication. I’m nervous but also want to get it over with in a way. I’m still devastated and I know DH is too.

[enchanted]

I hope the medication works for you. Getting the physical part over helps, though I will say, I did lose it when I realized the bleeding had stopped. Grief is weird.

Keep talking to your husband and to us, if it helps. We hate welcoming anyone to this shitty club, but we do so with open arms because we get it.