Need to vent TW loss, LC & TTC

[sammysam]

It took us 8 cycles to get pregnant last year. It ended in a d&c at 13 weeks. It took us 9 cycles to conceive again. I just had my second d&c at just under 10 weeks this past Friday. And I'm heartbroken.

I'm just feeling lost now. I don't know that I can go through this again emotionally. I'll be 40 in the new year. I feel like maybe these 2 losses are telling us to be happy with the child we do have.

I know SO really wants another...I just don't know that I have it in me to do this again. I don't think I can handle another loss, surgery, etc. I almost bled out the first time as I opted to miscarry naturally and ended up hemorrhaging...which still ended in a d&c. This time the doctor agreed that it wasn't worth the risk so I went straight for the d&c. And both times I was terrified of leaving my 4.5 year old DD without me.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I know how this goes. I was here less than 10 months ago. I know how crappy this is. I think I'm just struggling with what to do next. I really don't think I can do this again...but I also don't know that I'm ready to give up on another baby. I know I don't have to decide anything right now...but I feel like I need to make a decision so that I'm not sending SO mixed signals and getting his hopes up if I truly am done. I'm just terrified of something happening to me because of it and DD having to grow up without me.

For those of you with losses behind you...did any of you opt to not try again? To keep your family as is? I need some personal experience to help me move forward here.

Thanks:)

[enchanted]

I'm so sorry. No one should have to suffer loss, let alone multiple losses.

The best advice I can give is to just give yourself some time.  Don'tmake any decisions right now. You're still so close to it. It may be that you find you can't try again and that's fine. You may also decide to try and that's fine, too. Just give yourself some grace and time to grieve.

[nikkipal]

I agree with giving yourself some time. Maybe even discuss with SO a plan to reopen the topic at a specific point? Like in a month, or when AF returns? Then you won’t feel like you’re leaving SO in limbo.

MH supports my desire to have another, but I think he’d rather pursue adoption (which I’m open to, but maybe not there yet). He’s always scared of losing me. As I mentioned in the other thread, I nearly died 10 years ago. I wasn’t a parent at the time. But survivor guilt is real, and I’m still dealing with the trauma of all of it.

Sending you all of the light and peace, sammysam. Feel free to reach out if you need.

[purple]

Oh sammysam, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's so unfair.

I think giving yourself time is all you can do. Right now everything is so raw. Don't try to make any decisions at the moment.

Do ask for help if you can. I still wasn't very good at it, but asking for help as much as I could last year sped up my recovery a lot. Time alone is what helped me begin to heal, physically and emotionally. Obviously everyone is different, but if you can, try to identify what would help most and talk to your SO and others to help you achieve it. You really do need to put yourself first right now. It's only by doing that that you will be able to be there for your SO and little girl.

You're welcome to PM if it will help. My experience is that after facing death, nothing ever looks the same again.

[caer]

Oh sammysam, I’m just seeing this. I’m so freaking sorry. This fucking sucks and is so unfair. I wish I could make this better for you.

My situation is different but I’ll share in case it’s helpful. I had my first loss a few years ago and we definitely knew we were going to try again. We ended up doing IF treatments for that pregnancy.

I just had a second loss a few weeks ago. This was a surprise pregnancy - we were not TTC. I’m 99.9% certain we’re not going to TTC again and are going to choose to love our family the way it is. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that there’s some anger and sadness at having to go through this a second time and also have to “end” on this. Like, last time I had some healing from getting a healthy baby at the end but I won’t get a happy ending this time. tThat may not make sense but those have been the feelings that I’ve been working through.

So all that to say that there is no right or wrong answer and sometimes both paths suck. I’m always here if you want to chat or vent or scream at the universe. Sending love and hugs.

[oldbaylover1024]

I'm so sorry for your losses, sammysam.

Maybe taking some time is the best thing right now. Take some time to heal, talk to your SO, and grieve. You have been through a lot and maybe a small break to think is warranted. {{hugs}}

[sammysam]

caer I'm so so sorry you are having to go through another loss. And thank you for sharing. It really does help. Loss sucks and I don't think enough people understand in order to be truly helpful. It's nice to hear that you are choosing to stop...only because it makes me feel at least a little bit at peace with possibly not trying again. I'm just worried that if I do decide to TFAS one more time that it would be for the wrong reasons now. The older DD gets the more I see how much better we work as a family of 3. I don't know. I'm still processing. I'm benched for at least 6 weeks anyways so I guess I'll see where my head is at when I get there. Thank you for taking the time❤

[sammysam]

Thanks everyone. I agree. I need time. I'm constantly back and forth on this. The hardest part is that I know SO will support whatever decision I make but that if we don't TTC again he will regret it. The problem is that I just don't know that it's the right thing for us moving forward.

I've been trying to take moments for myself but I don't really have the chance. SO works crazy hours and I'd living in a different city for work right now and my parents are OOT for another few months. So hours after the surgery I was full time parenting in my own again (I'm a teacher so I'm off for the summer with DD). So I'm trying to get through this without DD being too affected. I cried a lot the day after but I told her I had a tummy ache so she keeps asking me now if my tummy is ok.

Thanks for the responses. I just needed a place to vent. I'm benched for 6 weeks anyways so I guess I'll revisit TTC at my post op appointment. In the meantime I'll try to figure out how I actually feel about everything.

Thanks for taking the time to offer support:)

[sammysam]

purple How are you doing? Gah. The worst part is that I think the biggest obstacle for me to TFAS again is fear. I'm more afraid of having a repeat of last year only this time actually dying than I am of anything else. Even with this pregnancy I was already freaking out about something going wrong again during delivery and feeling like I was potentially putting my want for a second above DD having a mother. Which is maybe dumb and maybe not. I almost died during delivery and again after my first MC so I think my fears are legit at least in some way. Before DD I would have taken the risk in a second. Now I feel like the universe is warning me that it is not a good idea for us. Do you still worry about having a repeat of what happened following your first loss? It's just that it has only been me and DD since she was 11 months old. I just can't wrap my head around potentially not being here for her. Which is not totally warranted as the chances of something going wrong are so slim. But I just can't shake the fear and the bad feeling.

[caer]

This is all a lot to deal with and think about sammysam. Physically, emotionally, mentally - you’ve been through a hell of a lot in past year. Remember to give yourself some grace. I hope time brings some clarity and peace.

I don’t know if this will be helpful but have you ever thought about meditation/mindfulness exercises? I gave it a try when we were dealing with IF a few years ago and it did seem to help. I was so caught up in the what-ifs that my anticipatory stress level was off the charts. The exercises helped me get out of my own head for a little bit each day. I used a free program from Circle + Bloom that was TTC specific but there are loads out there.

[purple]

sammysam, I hear you so hard about the fear. I'm only just beginning to recognise that myself. I had a really difficult pregnancy with L. My doctors were so concerned about my safety that I went straight to the HDU from theatre. I was only there for 24 hours and they loved me because I was compos mentis and I had a tiny baby, but I now realise that they were afraid I wouldn't make it. And then I got MRSA in my incision and was on antibiotics for six weeks, and I had post partum bleeding for five weeks and then after 24 hours my period came back. Looking back I'm not surprised I couldn't breastfeed. It's amazing that I managed to pump four ounces three times a day for five months!

And because it had taken so long to conceive and I was 38 we started trying again when she was only eight months old. And then when she was eleven months I nearly died. And then the Brexit vote happened and I kind of dropped out of life and just existed for a few months. I couldn't talk about the miscarriage so I didn't face the fact that I'd nearly died. I just got on with parenting, because I had to.

And then I had two chemical pregnancies and realised that actually, this miscarriage thing is really common, and I started to talk about it.

And then I lost the twins. And I had flashbacks, and I really took on board that I almost died when Gracie did. It's a life altering realisation.

So yes, I am afraid. Every single month, as my period gets closer, I am afraid that this month I won't be pregnant, again. I am afraid that I will be but it won't work out. I am afraid that I will be and it will be another difficult pregnancy, only this time I'm a full time parent. Sometimes I think I'm insane to be still trying.

For me, I am still trying right now because, bad as it is, the alternative is worse. I really do believe that L is meant to have a living sibling. I know that if I do have to give up, H will completely support that and embrace being a family of three, and I know how sad he will be if that happens (as will I).

I have a kind of mental line in my head. If I have another full miscarriage, I think I will have to stop. But I can probably cope with another two or three chemical pregnancies if I have to.

I said something about this in the ttc thread, but actually, I think it's probably a good thing for my body that it's been a while since my last chemical pregnancy. I'm praying that having a chance to heal and strengthen will make my next pregnancy more likely to succeed.

It's hard. It's so, so hard. But ultimately, all anyone can do is what they believe to be the right thing for their family.

I'm sorry that you've had to go right back into parenting. That's really hard. Will your parents be back soon? Can they do some extra babysitting to give you a break? I know your SO works away and it's always hard, but it must be so far beyond hard right now.

Please let me know if there is anything at all I can do. I really mean it! And I'm sorry for wittering on for so long in your thread.

[purple]

caer, I'm so sorry that you've recently suffered another loss. I hope you're managing to look after yourself a little bit.

[sammysam]

caer That's a really good idea. Thanks for suggesting it. Art and music are my two meditative activities that calm me and help get me centered. I don't think I'd be able to keep DD out of my sketchbook...but I think taking some time to pull out the guitar every day would be a huge help. DD will usually go off with her ukelele for at least a half an hour when I pull put the guitar. I hadn't even considered this. Thank you!

[sammysam]

purple you're not wittering at all. Every comment you give is so so appreciated. Honestly. I know we have had some similar experiences and it helps me feel like someone else truly gets it.

I so hope that your next pregnancy is the one and that it gives you the family you have been fighting so hard for. Your love for your family is so clear in each of your posts. I can see why you are still trying and I am confident you will get what you have been dreaming of. I think you're right that your body finally getting a bit of a break is a good thing. And hopefully it will lead to a full term pregnancy soon.

My sister and her partner are staying with us for a few months so I'm not alone. But DD won't do anything without me so it's actually more work having people here. But it's good. We at least get our and go places every day so I'm keeping busy if nothing else.

I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and see how I feel about things a few weeks from now. I still can't imagine packing DD's baby things away. But I also can't imagine going through another surgery this year. I'm hoping at some point it will just become clear.

[caer]

Thanks purple. I’m thinking of you, too, and hoping for an easier path for you from here. Many hugs.

[caer]

Jul 24, 2018 15:35:03 GMT -6 sammysam said:

caer That's a really good idea. Thanks for suggesting it. Art and music are my two meditative activities that calm me and help get me centered. I don't think I'd be able to keep DD out of my sketchbook...but I think taking some time to pull out the guitar every day would be a huge help. DD will usually go off with her ukelele for at least a half an hour when I pull put the guitar. I hadn't even considered this. Thank you!

I really hope it helps. I think it’s even better if you can find some comfort in an activity that also brings you joy. ❤️

[DrHooch]

I am so sorry for all of you ladies who are struggling with such difficult decisions and situations. My second m/c landed me in the ER but I wasn't close to dying by any means, so I can't even imagine adding that in. DH was ready to try again right away but I needed recovery (mental and physical) time. After a few months I was ready again, but that was also helped along by my age and my RE's assessment that it was probably not a good idea to wait any longer than 6 months to try again if we were serious about a second. I think a third m/c might have been the end for me, though. Fortunately, it hasn't come to that (yet). I can completely understand not wanting to try any more in your case, sammysam. Take some time and try to ignore your biological clock - a couple months really isn't going to make a huge difference.

[petrichor]

sammysam

TW living mentioned

It has been a few weeks and I hope you are physically recovering and also have had some reflection time.

I wanted to share (briefly I hope) my story.

It took us 6 years to get our first living child (mc, full term stillbirth, then him). We always wanted a sibling for him. Had 6 more miscarriages. During much of that arduous time I questioned whether continuing to ttc was the right choice. Wasn't our one son enough?

It was brutal on our marriage and of course each loss was devastating. I turned 40. Then 41. Then 42. I had 9 babies in heaven.

Our second living child was born when I was 43, 10 years after his brother.

I don't know what the right choice is for you and your family, but I pray for peace for you with whatever decision you make.

I know my situation is not yours, but I wanted to give you hope that age 40 and a history of miscarriage does not count you out.

Either way, you're stronger than you will ever know.

[sweetc129]

I’m so sorry I’m just seeing this. So much love to you. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and please take care of yourself.

[sammysam]

Thanks sweetc129 . Just waiting for AF to come back and I think we're going to give it one more shot. I have an appointment with the RE booked for November so I'll see what they say too.

I hope all is well with you guys:)

[sammysam]

petrichor DrHooch Thank you so much for sharing these stories. They help a lot. I am a couple of months out now and feeling more like myself again...and I'm ready to try again. SO told me he was completely fine not trying again but then I realized I actually need another child now. So much so that I'm almost in tears at other people's pregnancies. You have both given me hope though that it could still happen for us. So I'm going to give it another shot. I'm hoping third time is the charm here...but I'm feeling now like as long as nothing life threatening happens I'll probably keep trying as long as we are able.

[DrHooch]

Good luck, sammysam. Keep us updated.