Loss detected at 8 wk US

[caer]

Thinking of you today. ❤️

[purple]

Thinking of you today, nikkipal.

[oldbaylover1024]

Hope all goes smoothly today, nikkipal. Thinking about you <3

[nikkipal]

Surgery went well and I’m home now. Worse part was waking up with a central line in my neck that was hurting like hell.

I did start bawling on the OR table bc I felt like my next surgery was supposed to be a CS, not a D&C. Glad to be home now and exhausted. Thanks for all the well wishes and support.

[sammysam]

nikkipal so glad it went well. Cry as much as you need. Mourning is such an important part of being able to move on.

Thinking of you❤

[oldbaylover1024]

nikkipal - I'm glad it went well. Do what you need to do today - cry, eat ice cream, watch something on Netflix... take care of yourself. I hope your and YH get some quiet time tonight, too.

{{hugs}}

[caer]

I’m glad it went ok nikkipal. I hope you can get some rest now. Sending hugs.

[DrHooch]

So sorry for your loss, glad to hear the D&C went well. My first loss sounds similar to your experience - HCG rose normally, I felt pregnant, but the fetus was almost not visible in my first u/s at 7 weeks, and I started bleeding the next day. My RE thought it was a blighted ovum, and since it was my first m/c, no testing was done. With my second m/c, we did get testing, and it showed trisomy 16, which honestly made me feel better (I couldn't blame myself for having done something wrong).

I put together a necklace to memorialize my losses because I couldn't find exactly what I wanted anywhere. It's just a silver heart with the birthstones of all my babies hanging off of it. I wear it all the time, and it was particularly helpful early on to have a physical thing I could hold on to when I was going through those really rough moments.

[nikkipal]

I’m sore and tired, but I do feel a sense of closure after the D&C. I plan to return to work Monday, so I’m hoping that goes well. I have lots of support at work, which is great.

Having my mom here is great for the most part. She did mention to me how scary it all is for her and my husband, and maybe I should stop TFAS. She acknowledged that it’s a decision between me and him, but was seemingly suggesting that I was being selfish and should consider whether he wanted another at all.

I understand her concerns, and that I should take this time on the bench to consider these things, but now I just keep thinking I’ve missed my one chance. I know my husband needs time too. This shit is so hard.

[nikkipal]

Whelp, I need to do more venting.

Went back to work yesterday. It's been ok, but a little bit awkward when people ask where I've been. I have no problem saying that I had a miscarriage (I'm getting used to it), but for people who don't know me so well, it seems like it would just make them uncomfortable. I'm still feeling really sad and angry a lot of the time, and it's amazing all the things that seem to trigger that (stick families on cars, for example). I'm still pretty crampy from the D&C as well, which is frustrating.

MH seems to be struggling with how sad I've been. I don't know if he thinks I should be over it by now, more likely he just doesn't know how to help. He's definitely a man who tries to fix things, and I'm sure it's just going to take time for me to feel myself again. I've also been more irritable with him and with my dtr, and I feel really guilty about that.

I restarted couch to 5K (walk/run program), and that seems to be helpful. The endorphins are good, and it's a great stress reliever for me.

[oldbaylover1024]

I'm sorry, nikkipal. Is it possible for you to take a day off this week when your dtr and H are at DC/work so you can be alone? I know I needed some REAL alone time after my losses to process everything. And it's okay that these feelings are creeping in still. You are still grieving and grief is a tough emotion.

YH may be figuring out his own feelings while also trying to be supportive of you and your household. You're all trying to figure things out. And we all process loss differently.

I'm sorry. We're here. Vent away {{hugs}}

[caer]

So many hugs nikkipal. I’m sorry things have been so difficult. Please don’t feel bad for being irritated. You’ve been through a lot and you’re still in the early days of healing. Things will get easier. I’m glad that you’re finding C25k to be helpful. Running has been the best thing for my mental health and saved me after my losses. Sending love.

[nikkipal]

I hope it's ok that I keep using this place to vent, b/c I need to today. It's been over three weeks now, and of course some days are good and some are bad. Today is not awesome. I keep feeling F'ing triggered by things all the time that are just part of existing in the world. Like pregnant bellies, big sister tshirts, and again with the stick people families. A grief counselor I work with suggested listing out my hopes for the baby (like maybe running into the grief instead of avoiding it, so I'm going to do that here:

I hoped the baby was a boy (but DD wanted a sister, so that would be ok too).
I hoped the baby would be sleeping on my chest when DD turned 5 two months after my due date.
I envisioned being pretty big around Christmas, and how sweet that would be (at least in pictures), and having pregnancy photos done with DH and DD together.
I hoped the baby would steal his sister's toys and make her crazy but also I know she'd love him so much.
I hoped the baby would have red hair like his daddy.
I hoped to feel all of the things again, like baby kicking inside of me.
I hoped to have a great BF'ing relationship like I did with DD.
I hoped the baby would grow up being buddies with my friends' baby who would be just over a year older.
I hoped the baby would love camping like his big sister.

And on and on. And now I'm crying at my desk. Part of me thinks maybe I came back to work too soon, but if I was home, I don't know if I'd be doing anything but dwell on it. And on busier days, work keeps me distracted (*knock wood, I know I'm shooting myself in the foot saying this). I'm really glad for this community, it is helpful to say these things (really, even if no one reads them).

I'm still doing couch to 5k, and it still helps (starting week 3). I don't feel sad all the time anymore, I have blissful intervals of feeling ok. It's getting better, but it's slow going.

[caer]

(((Hugs))) nikkipal. That’s a beautiful list, thanks for sharing. ❤️

[enchanted]

Hugs nikkipal.

That list is beautiful.

[Yogurt]

Thinking of you. ❤