Feeling like a bad friend.

[LED]

It's been 10.5 years since Jackson was born, but every time I hear about a baby born at a similar gestational age or with similar weight/height, I can't help but get angry/sad/jealous/whatever that that baby made it and Jackson didn't. Like, I have trouble even reading/hearing about it. It just completely throws me back into the depths. I hate it. I want to be able to be happy for my friends without feeling so awful for myself.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'll never get past this. I've been in therapy forever and I'm pretty much at the time heals all wounds part of my grief, but it feels like time isn't actually making a difference.

[iheartbroccoli]

Big hugs.

I feel the same when I hear about miracle babies. On the one hand, I am relieved the baby lived but I also get angry. Why couldn't my baby have been the miracle baby? He was born full term, how can medicine save a baby born at 24 weeks but not mine? I also get jealous of my friends who have not experienced this and probably never will. Not that I want them to, but I'm jealous of them.

These feelings are just as intense as they were right after Theo's death. I don't know if they'll ever go away.

ETA: words


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[sandjay]

Oh yes, that's a familiar feeling. Elizabeth had anencephaly, a neural tube defect, similar to spina bifida but effecting the brain and head rather than the spine and legs. For whatever reason anytime I meet someone with a child who has spina bifida I feel a gut punch. Why couldn't E's defect had been that so she would have lived? My really good friend's daughter has SB and we talk about it frequently. Thankfully she lets me cry when I need to and then hug her and her sweet girl. Feelings man, they are never quite controllable. I think it's always going to hit you like that sometimes, and it's learning to be ok with things not being ok that's the "trick". If that makes sense. Hugs lady. It's a painful road.


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[orangepickle]

I know exactly what you mean - my son had a birth defect at birth, but no other complications and no heart problems initially, so it typically has a 98% survival rate. Now a friend I met because her son has the same birth defect has her son in the hospital after a failed surgery to fix his defect, and it's bringing up a lot for me because he was experiencing a lot of the same problems that killed my son and yet the very same hospital has managed to keep him alive. Of course I don't wish badly for him but I'm so heartbroken for my son and have been dealing with all the feelings of, "why him?" all over again for the last few weeks. So all that to say, I don't have any advice but it seems like a lot of us are in same boat/state of mind.

[fikafairy]

I get many, many feelings of this too. I took EVERY precaution to try and help K make it. I researched EVERYTHING about isoimmunization, and asked all the right questions. She was so strong, and such a fighter - and still didn't make it.

I keep seeing moms have success in my FB group for ISO, and there have been a few that make me just want to punch a wall. I am thrilled that their babies made it, but a lot of it was stupid luck in the face of unawareness. I get the angry feelings like - I did everything I could, why wasn't it enough? Why could they continue on unaware of the danger their babies were in and shrug it off, but still take their babies home?

I also get mad because this whole thing has ruined my ability to even think about trying again on my own, despite the fact that I don't have underlying issues conceiving. How can I even contemplate that? How am I supposed to complete my family when it will cost a fortune to do so, and I can't willingly (possibly - 50/50 shot) put another baby through that?

I have no answers, obviously. Just hugs for all of you. It's too hard some days.

[peaseblossom55]

I feel so sad whenever I see twins, especially twin girls. Our next door neighbors have twins girls who were born right around the time when Anne.liese should have been born too. It's such a punch in the gut.

[LED]

Jun 8, 2017 16:51:13 GMT -6 peaseblossom55 said:

I feel so sad whenever I see twins, especially twin girls. Our next door neighbors have twins girls who were born right around the time when Anne.liese should have been born too. It's such a punch in the gut.

My twins didn't make it very far, but of my miscarriages it's the one that hits me the hardest and affects me the most. I talk to a friend about it often, she lost triplets early, and her multiples loss also hit her a lot harder than her singleton loss. I can't imagine making it further and then losing twins. *Hugs*